And then, there's this guy.
In other words, I don't want to talk about. Also, die in a fire.
So. Ezra. What are you up to these days? A new EP, perhaps? Drawing on your latest obsessions with Live at the Greek, That Singing Dog Thing and the theme from Blue's Clues? A little Vampire-Weekend-slash-Mozart-Magic-Cube fusion?
Working on some new performance moves, then? Pointing, clapping, signing "more" and "all done," playing "soooo big" and throwing your arms in the air like you just don't care? Making a "wah wah wah" sound with the back of your hand until all adults in the area are mimicking it like it's the goddamn macarena?
Or maybe you're on a bit of a science kick? Conducting important research in the fields of How Fast Can The Baby Get Halfway Up The Stairs Before Mama Notices OMG or Uncovered Electrical Outlets And Oh Look A Fork? I know we, your devoted constituents, are especially looking forward to reading your paper on the nutritional breakdown of microscopic crap-you-found-on-the-floor particles.
Okay, okay, you aren't here to discuss your work. How about your personal life? I assume you and Orange Toothbrush are still hanging out a lot? Any new love interests besides BlaBla the Stripey Wonder Cat and Our Extra Wii Remote Jacket, Yes I Let Him Sleep With It Last Night, Whatever, Because He Likes It, Okay?
Oh, OF COURSE. I would never tell Noah that you're the one who ate the corner piece from his dinosaur puzzle. Totally off the record, that.
Been to any good restaurants lately? I have to say, you're in amazing 25th percentile shape for the amount of food you eat. I read another interview that said on a typical day, you eat a waffle, a scrambled egg, a banana, a peach, two handfuls of grapes, half an avocado, a hummus-and-pita-bread sandwich, two meatballs, pasta, a ridiculous number of peas, tomato or pickle slices, maybe a lentil burger or salmon cake with some broccoli spears for dessert? Is it true that you once had to be forcefully removed from the vicinity of some creamed spinach because seriously, YOU HAD ENOUGH. YOU ARE FLAGGED FROM THE CREAMED SPINACH. THUS SPAKE THE WOMAN WHO CHANGES YOUR DIAPERS.
Is there anything you won't eat?
I gotta say, for someone with only seven-and-a-half teeth, you're doing pretty well for yourself.
Well, I think I've got enough here, so thank you for sitting still long enough for us to get a few photos that don't involve 1) you covered in food from hair to chin, or 2) the back of your diapered butt crawling away at breakneck speed towards the open baby gate gah gah fuck fuck fuck stop. You are really quite the little charmer, you know that? I hope, on your birthday, you get the perfect obnoxiously dangerous ride-on toy of your little daredevil dreams.
PS. Just wait until you try chocolate. Your head will explode and you will instantly become incredibly suspicious because WHAT ELSE ARE THEY KEEPING FROM YOU? BROCCOLI FOR DESSERT? WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN?