Ephemera Not-Thursday
Today @ 1 P.M.

In Which Wii Bowling Ruins My Life

Or, What Happens When You Let Your Wii Bowling Pro Status Go To Your Head

Or, Not To Be Overly DRAMATIC, Or Anything

Scene, Bowling Alley, Saturday Night

Amy: Ew. Bowling shoes? Hasn't technology rendered community shoes obsolete yet?

Jason: Wait, did you forget to wear socks?

Amy: *pause*

Amy: Yes.

Jason. EW.

Amy: Also, none of these balls have sparkly stars on them.

Jason: And?

Amy: So how will anybody know how awesome I am? That I am their better? They should put my face on a blimp, at least.

Game One

Amy: *bowls*

Ball: *gutters*

Amy: *bowls*

Ball: *gutters*

Amy: *makes lighthearted jokes at her expense, trying to mask how DEEPLY and GENUINELY rattled she is, OH MY GOD, she cannot LOSE AT THINGS, gaaaaaaah*

Ball: *gutters*

FINAL SCORE: 34

Game Two

Two couples arrive, including one guy who is already slurring his words at the top of his lungs, and are assigned to the lane next to us. The one we share tables and a score machine with. I am immediately thrown even further of my game by the presence of other actual human beings who are not part of my Mii gallery and shockingly, do not exist solely to cheer when I bowl a strike. Am so unnerved I send the ball backwards into the seating area on my next frame.

Drunk Asshole: WHOO HOOO WAY TO GOOOOO.

Jason: Hold the B button down longer next time!

Drunk Asshole: (to the waitress) Your goal tonight is to get our wives druuuuunk. The druuuunker they get, the hiiiiiiiigher your tip, okay, Peaches? (continues in graphic detail to describe WHY, exactly, he needs his wife to get druuuuuuuunk)

Amy: *bowls*

Ball: *gutters*

Amy: That one was because of FEMINISM, by the way. Not because I suck at this.

Jason: *not bowling particularly well, but at LEAST manages to knock pins down most frames*

Drunk Asshole: *is obsessed with returning unused balls in our lane to the racks, keeps trying to take our balls away, has also started referring to us by our first names, thus illustrating the reason why you always go with initials-only for the scoring screen in real-life bowling*

Amy: *bowls*

Ball: *gutters*

Drunk Asshole: Niiiice. Try aiming for the pins next time.

Amy: Really? You're going to heckle me? Because...no.

Drunk Asshole: *opens mouth, wisely closes it, appears to sense he has been outmatched in assholery*

Jason: Holy shit, what did you say to him? You actually said something to him? We've been together over 12 years and I've never seen you confront so much as a laundry hamper.

Amy: I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate this game. I hate everything going on right now and WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS? PEOPLE CAN SEE HOW BAD I AM AT THIS AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT, MAN.

Amy: *bowls*

Ball: *strike!*

Amy: *OMG POINTS! POINTS! LOOK*

Drunk Asshole: *too busy rearranging the tables to notice*

Amy: *storms back to seat, pulls HER table with HER mozzarella sticks back towards HER side of the lane because it is HERS and NOT HIS and PERSONAL SPACE and ALL THAT*

Drunk Asshole: *bowls a turkey, like an ASSHOLE*

FINAL SCORE: 19

Amy: Fuck this, let's go home.

Amy & Jason: *go home, to find both children still awake and ornery and needy, thus defeating the WHOLE POINT of getting a babysitter, but whatever, our rockstar lifestyle is what it is, yo*

Jason: Maybe next weekend we'll go play some ping-pong.

Epilogue

Amy: *gets on the Wii and bowls a 217*

Drunk Asshole & Co.: *are probably still trying to figure out what was up with that raging bitch at the bowling alley last weekend, Jesus H. Christ, her husband should try getting her druuuuuuunk next time or something*

Comments

Darcey

I laughed until my sides hurt, Amy. I rocked Wii Tennis at Christmas last year, which only emphasized the sadness that I suck at tennis in real life, what with the Serena-like foot faults (when when they weren't) and hitting balls out of the court with a mere touch of the tennis racket.

Starbuck

I thought you killed him with mozzarella sticks.

Janna

Wii games make you feel like you don't suck as much at any athletic activity. Imagine my horror at running two miles in REAL life after I breezed through it on Wii Fit.

Nel

That is the most incredible story....EVER.

Want to hear something embarassing? I took a bowling class, IN COLLEGE, that actually counted as a real credit. I still suck at bowling. Except for Wii Bowling of course.

misszoot

I'm a tennis PRO on the Wii. Seriously...Federerererer (too many -ers?) would shake in his shoes watching me.

But when I actually pick up a real racket? *sigh* Well, you know what happens.

Damn Wii.

Kathy

This happens to me all the time.

Jill

I always bowl better when I'm drunk. You should try it next time!! You might break 50! **ducks**

Shana in Texas

Oh, yea! I usually bowl 300 on Wii but, I HATE it in real life. Total suck.

Cassie

I have the same problem. Mostly just with bowling, but also in other sports. Though I am not coordinated, I am always sort of (ie: royally) pissed off that I'm not totally awesome at something. I fully expect to one day be introduced to a game that I have an as-yet untapped talent for.

Next time you go bowling, ask for two lanes. They'll set it up so that you trade off which lane you bowl on (like they would if you were bowling in a league), and you won't get stuck sharing personal space. :)

And I highly recommend buying bowling shoes, even for the most casual of bowlers. You can find them for like $20. If you bowl four or five times in your life, and don't get athletes foot from sharing shoes, you'll be up!

Jenny

Wait, wait. You went on a date? Like with your husband, without your children? Just the two of you? I...I don't understand? How does that happen? Please tell me.

Heather

Haha I was in a bowling LEAGUE as a kid. What the crap anyway? And yet...when we go with friends, I'm lucky to break 100 :P (In 5 pin. We don't have 10 pin in my town for some reason.)
Also, good for you on confronting the drunk guy. I'm proud ;)

Kailee

I suck at bowling. Like really bad. Once, after rolling gutter ball after gutter ball, I yelled, "GODDAMNIT!!!."

Did I mention I was at a charity bowling event? For CHILDREN?

I am an ass. A non-bowling ass.

Jessie

Same issue here - I rock Wii sports, but lack coordination and athletic ability in real life. Especially with Wii boxing. I totally rock it every time, but would probably break something if I tried to box in real life.

Parsing Nonsense

I'm absolutely terrible at all things Wii but rule at tennis and bowling in real life.

Just with my husband and Guitar Hero: He's a real-life guitar hero, but has the most trouble with that game.

Just goes to show you: There's something for everyone.

andi

dude? why weren't you drunk? bowling in the real world is NOT a sober sport! you are likely bowling-genius as of yet undiscovered! you had a sitter! there is no reason i can see for sober bowling except maybe prison torture?

better luck next date night!

Erin

I am also the Wii bowling champion at my house. I'm afraid to go Actual Bowling for this very reason.

And also? I love that you mouthed off to Drunk Asshole because he SO had it coming, but probably won't remember it tomorrow.

Alias Mother

Wow, really? That's all it took to shut him up? Hells, I thought beatings were going to be necessary. Glad it was that (relatively painless).

My husband loves to go bowling for his birthday, so once a year I must suit up my stiff upper lip and pretend that I don't care how much I suck. And then I go hide in the skeevy bathroom and cry a little between games.

Natballs

I am a PRO at Wii bowling. I am magnificent. A champion. And drunk Wii bowling? Even better!
but REAL bowling, no. I need bumpers. I'm with you on this one.

liz

I am so proud of you for standing up to the bully!

My 7-yo son's bowling has improved with Wii use, mine? Not so much.

Corinne

Nel, you want to hear even MORE embarrassing? My mom took a bowling class in college AND GOT A C IN IT! Apparently at that school, your grade is based on how much your score improves and since she was actually good at bowling (played in a teenage league and all) she scored pretty high the first class and her score went down by the last class.

College At Thirty

You had every right to be an ass back to him. He broke the cardinal rule of The Public Place: Do not associate with anyone outside of your group. I was at Disneyland the other day with my SIL, and we kept saying lines from Office Space because she had broken down and bought one of those stupid pins from the pin trader, and this guy next to us wanted to get in on the conversation. (I know what you mean when you're talking about "flair!" I know what that's about!) It totally makes you want to just always stay at home and never go out, because at least that way, no one tries to break in on your fun.

I agree with the other commenters, though. You really should have gotten your drink on. Sounds like you were wound up and nervous. A few shots of tequila would have loosened you right up.

Judy

I gave up bowling when I was 19 because I was dating a guy who thought that was a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon (NOT!!) and I spent the whole time trying to turn so that he could not see the "9" emblazoned on the back of my shoes when his shoes had an "8" on them (wasn't it enough that I had to walk with knees slightly bent because he was an inch shorter?) and I am the only person in the history of bowling who has bowled an entire ten frames without knocking down a single pin.

I'm pretty good at bowling on Pogo.com, though.

Mama Bub

"Hold the B button down longer!" Bahahahaha!

I am a Wii Bowling STAR. Like, don't come over unless you want me to throw down. We went real bowling last week and I just kept saying, "But I'm so GOOD at Wii bowling. Shouldn't some of the skills transfer?"

Sprite's Keeper

I too went bowling on Saturday. My first game was lower than yours. My second game, I actually hit 40. The Wii has me listed as a 300, perfect Mii. I hate the Wii.
Speaking of hate, our Spin Cycle is all about hate this week, want in? :-)

jodifur

We recently went duck pin bowling. With bumpers. And I sucked. That's embarrassing.

Olivia

It's been so long since I have bowled. Now I want to go.

I feel for Drunk Asshole's wife. Seriously, he has to get his wife drunk to get laid? That is some messed up marriage.

Carolyn

The last time I went bowling in real life was the last time I went bowling in real life. My score was like 46 when I'm a Pro Bowl status on our Wii. I can't even put into words the sheer humiliation three of my kids felt when they, too, realized they were no where near their Wii scores. It was so embarrassing that the manager brought one of those rails one puts their bowling ball on to let it roll down the lane. I now prefer living in a fantasy world where I rule in bowling, ping pong, and tennis, and yoga, etc.......

Jamie

I favorited that tweet when you posted it, because I couldn't stop laughing. This just makes it better!

Kylee

I also mistakenly thought my Wii bowling skills would transfer into real bowling skills. I was so sure I ruled at real bowling that I bet my husband a homemade 5 course dinner on it. I spent HOURS cooking that dinner and couldn't enjoy it because I was too bitter about my loss.

beyond

so funny. that would be great as a short film...

Amanda

Oh my stinkin heck. So. The only time I ever went bowling (EV.ERRRR.) I chucked the ball behind me while making this... terrible shrieking noise that I still can't explain. It knocked over a table. The ball, not the force of my squealing.

I've never even set foot inside a bowlng alley since then, because I'm reasonably sure that they all have posters up with a picture of me taken from a hidden camera where I'm making the 'Oh fuck, I just knocked over a table with my ball infrontofEVERYONE!' face, that say "RIDICULE THIS GIRL. SHE IS A TOOL."

Also, wii is the devil. The false confidence inspiring devil.

die Frau

I do not have a Wii, so I suppose at least I can't compare my awesome Wii score to real life. Props to you for shutting down Drunken Asshole quickly and effectively; always the best way.

Bowling's pretty big in my area, so I just go for the 8lb ball because I have a chance in hell of throwing it down the lane. And yes, beer MUST be involved. You can't bowl without beer; it's like going to a baseball game and not eating a hot dog. And drinking beer.

Susan

I grew up in the Midwest, where the Friday night entertainment options consist of bowling and watching demolition derby, so I am actually pretty good at bowling (and I drive like a hellcat).

My problem is that I have really fat knuckles, so I have to get heavier bowling balls (with bigger finger holes) than I actually have the strength to properly propel it down the lane - I usually drop one behind me EVERY game.

Funny, I can't recall the last time my husband wanted to go bowling with me... wonder why? A

A Wii is the only thing on my Christmas list this year...

duchessbelle

wait a minute. this doesn't translate to guitar hero, does it? you mean....when i go to Bon Jovi's house I won't be able to pick up a guitar and play living on a prayer?! Nooooooo!

lisa

NOOOOOO!!! I was so ready this weekend to go out in public to show everyone the pro status bowler that is me. Does this problem also exist in basketball, because i am the 3 point shot champion in that also?

Belle

Next time you and Jason should hire a babysitter and go to an arcade where you can play Wii Bowling and drink... that might be more successful.

Jen L.

This is extra awesome. For what it's worth, I rock ass in Wii Tennis, but can't hit a ball for anything in real life. C'est la vie.

Sheri

Want a bowling tip? Of course you do!! When you're releasing the ball, try to have your thumb pointed toward the center pin. Providing you don't put a wicked spin on the ball, you should knock down a few pins. And no I'm not a pro...just something that was shown to me and it works! :)

megs

While the virtual version at home usually helps you avoid assholery, the Wii brought it *into* our home.

I have a really competitive friend who is ridiculously good at Wii bowling. And the combo makes her *really* not fun to play with. And she doesn't even seem to notice when we each start "sitting this one out" one by one to "keep our beers company" until all of a sudden she's just practicing by herself.

Doesn't notice=delights in playing by herself and commenting on how good she is/how she's usually better for a now absent audience.

Funny thing is, she's otherwise grand. I don't know what it is about Wii bowling that brings out the worst in her.

Also, her partner said, while we were playing Wii: "Wow! This game is really sophisticated: M bowls EXACTLY THE SAME in real life...BADLY."

Laurie

I NEVER comment - although I want to - I'm just too lazy.

BUT

This exact scenario happened to me a couple weeks ago. I can bowl 7 strikes in a ROW .....on Wii....Bowling alley - high score 58 out of 3 games. I kept telling my fiance - I'm sorry you're paying for air. Then I came home and kicked his butt at Wii bowling! With my cute blue eyeshadow and pink starred, sparkle ball!

Kevin

I'm afraid my experience at a real live bowling alley, with real live bowling pins, and real live bowing drunkards would be just about the same as this. (Sigh)

I rock at Wii bowling though! And thanks for introducing me to the Wii sport resort! I had no idea such wonders existed!

Stephanie

Oh my gosh that would totally be me, right down to the part about how you confronted the guy but aren't confrontational. HILARIOUS. I'm also sorry for your misfortune.

Janssen

The "so much as a laundry hamper" comment was the best part of this post. SO funny.

Stacy

Corrine, you want to hear something even MORE embarrassing? BOTH my parents took bowling in college. In fact, it's how they met.

(they both got Bs. It was my mom's worst grade of the semester and my dad's best. they now have 4 kids, none of whom are particularly good bowlers).

Cortney

I don't laugh out loud nearly enough, but holy cow! I was laughing so hard because I was thinking that you could be me...if I had the guts to play out my Wii bowling skills in real life. I am currently convinced that the next time I hit the bowling alley, I will be a rock star.

frugan amy

Loved this so much. Am immediately sending it to my husband who I usually beat in real life but who annoys the hell out of me with his pro status, sparkly self on Wii.

Sara

This is along the lines of why I need an explanation for the fact that my husband, who doesn't dance, totally kicks ass at that weird dance dance revolution game and why I, who am a spiffy dancer, never get a frickin' arrow to save my life.

Wild to Child

Sounds exactly like me....except I'd be drunk AND I'd suck! HaHa

Amber
http://www.wildtochild.com

Olga

That was a super funny recap!
But now I REALLY want mozzarella sticks :)

mpotter

hilarious!!!
makes me wanna go out and buy a wii.

loved this.
hope drunk asshole googles "drunk asshole" and finds he's the star of a very funny post!

Lori

I kick ass at the 100 pin bowling on Wii Sports Resort but suck badly at the 10 pin on the same game. How is that possible? I fear for my sanity should I ever try to actually bowl again in real life.

I also got a hole in one in Frisbee Golf on the Wii Sports Resort and when I told The Boy he looked all confused. Apparently I forgot to include the "on the Wii" in my gloating.

rachel beto

Like, maybe you should try kayaking instead?

rachel beto

(...because the kayak paddles are bigger than ping pong paddles and therefore much more effective)

rachel beto

(at damaging hecklers.) (Sorry it took me three comments to really make that clear. This is, most likely, incredibly annoying.)

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