My Infestation, Let Me Show You It
Four Years

Scootastrophe!

So Noah fell off his scooter yesterday. Skinned both of his knees up.

And you know, THE END.

Unless you are his father. Remember the fruit sticker? This was way worse than the fruit sticker. Because not only was a fall off a scooter -- a three-inches-off-the-ground scooter -- the worst thing that could ever befall one's precious snowflake offspring, it was totally MY FAULT, YOU NEGLIGENT MONSTER.

My fault, his version = holding precious snowflake #2 at top of a deceptively slopey hill, allowing precious snowflake #1 to fly past me on scooter, shouting at him to "turn into the grass" when he picked up a little too much speed instead of...I DON'T KNOW. Dropping the baby on the curb to run after Noah, perhaps hurling my body onto the pavement underneath him at the exact second of impact. Stopping the scooter with my mind powers, thus revealing ourselves to be a family of telekinetic mutants to the entire neighborhood. Writing letters to the county four years ago to have the sidewalks replaced with packing peanuts. Because I really should have seen this coming.

My fault, my version = I think he was mostly mad because I was entirely too calm about it. I made him look totes uncool, you guys. There was blood and and I was all, yep, whatever, that's why we wear helmets, dude, and Jason was all, OMFG SMELLING SALTS.

We brought Noah inside and offered various bribes in exchange for calming down -- ice cream sandwich? candy? chocolate milk? -- and after awhile he mournfully accepted some chocolate-covered raisins. Jason poured himself a scotch while I hissed at him that oh, you know, IN THE FUTURE, I would prefer if he NOT shout "What the fuck were you thinking?" at top volume in front of the CHILDREN, in front of the NEIGHBORS, and on second thought, could he just go ahead and not spazz out over skinned knees, like we have BOYS, TWO OF THEM, which equals about 4,500,075 skinned knees, lifetime. Also: YOU PANSY.

(Also. ALSO! Who is the parent who vetoed the elbow and knee pad set as being "dorky"? And was upset that the bike store didn't have the skater helmet in Noah's size because it was more "badass" than the bike helmet?)

(Hint: The same parent who was now sobbing helplessly into a sofa cushion because BLOOD! BLOOD! HE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!)

Noah finished his candy and turned his tear-stained face towards me. I launched into a cheerful pep talk about falling down and getting hurt and the importance of Getting Back On and Trying Again. He nodded solemnly and announced that he also needed that ice cream sandwich, after all.

Later, Jason asked if I planned to "write about this" and I asked if he meant "this" as in, the time Noah fell off his scooter or the time you revealed himself to be a total wuss, worthy of much Internet scorn and derision because HAAAAAAAAAA YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE?

The second one, he said. I kind of deserve it.

DONE, I said. Also, you're adorable and I love you.

***

I should probably mention that prior to the Great Scooter Crash of Aught-Nine, we took Noah shopping for his very own big boy birthday bike. (SPOILER: Noah is getting a bike for his birthday. Nobody say anything to him. At least not in the...say, two hours right before we give it to him.) His favorite one was pink and had butterflies on the seat. I hope he won't be too disappointed when he gets the blue version, as I enjoy crushing whimsical individuality in favor of gender stereotyping. I can't raise a boy who screams like a girl at the sight of a bloody knee, you know?

Photo copy

BOY MUST BE WARRIOR. GO OUT AND SHOW THAT SIDEWALK WHO IS BOSS. THEN WE SHALL CUDDLE AND I WILL PINCH YOUR BUTT AND FEED YOU MORE CANDY BECAUSE AWWW, LOOK AT THOSE POOR LITTLE BOO-BOOS.

Comments

Daisy

Awww. That first skinned knee. I still have a scar from mine! (Snuck out of the backyard - used a stick & a high jump to get the latch open- to get a book out of the car, ran like hell when I got said loot, tripped, fell and blammo. Bloody murder.) He appears to be a trooper though. Also, my parents got me a new bike once a year for some holiday. Don't feel the need to do that. Seriously. It was weird. I still make fun of my Dad for that one.

Lauren

Awwww usually the mom is the overreacting parent! This post was full of the funny, btw.

caleal

Ack! Too cute. Noah AND Jason.

I guess we're buying some elbow and knee pads now, huh?

liz

You are a totally rock-solid mommy. Good job!

Lisa

Dad is totally the overreacting parent in my house. Younger Boy had his 2nd set of ear tubes with a side of adenoid removal at about 14 months, and the doctor's staff asked if my HUSBAND needed a Valium because. . .damn.

Helen

When my oldest boy was 5, he was lying on a skateboard, scooting along with his hands and he rolled off, how high is that? Maybe 2 inches? he screamed bloody murder and I stood and laughed and said " DANIEL! You big girl, get UP! You feel 2 inches, stop CRYING!" and he stodd up and faced me with NO SKIN ON HIS FACE! The whole left side of his face was raw and bloody and I think I gave him ice cream and whateverthehellheliked 'til he was 20. Eli is #6, even he says " Never mind" and gets right back up again if he falls over.

Kelly

Amy, this may very well be my favorite story ever. Now get thee to Walgreens for some Batman Band-Aids.

You're gonna need 'em.

Mrs. D

Aww! Too sweet and too funny. And how cute of your husband to admit his reaction was blog-worthy.

shriek house

Oh man, I honestly don't know who is cuter, Noah or your husband. So sweet he cares about the wittle boo-boos... my husband on the other hand will be like, "My shirt! Don't get blood on my shirt!" while the kid's tooth is sticking *through* her bottom lip.

Lindsay

Tee hee! LOVE this. Partly because I caught my hubby sobbing over the first newborn video of our son the other day and partly because Noah's band-aids rock. Nicely done, momma! :)

Meighan

This post is soooo funny and sooo my real life. In the Lloyd house, hubby who is an avid hunter, fisherman, ex-college football offensive lineman, 6'5", 300 lbs. and the BIGGEST pansy when it comes to the kids. He notices EVERY bruise, bump, scratch. etc. and gives me the 3 rd degree on each and every one. Proceeds to get angry over every Boo-Boo and questions me, daycare, babysitters, etc. ability ot watch our children and protect them from getting hurt. Men are AMAZING!!

Leandra

I gotta know -- are those potatoes he's holding in his hands?

Love this story! Moms are always the ones keeping their cool in the face of blood/snot/tears.

Joyce

Heehee, poor Noah... and Jason. If it makes him feel any better, I told Twitter all about how my husband cried during Miracle on 34th Street. He still hasn't lived that one down.

And are those doughnuts or peeled potatoes he's holding in the pic?

Linda

We've been lucky with our first. A gleeful "Boom!" has been enough to quell our kid's tears when he was younger. Actual blood kinda freaks him out though. We're still looking at him and saying, "Dude! That's what it's like to be a kid. You skin your knees, you wash it off, you move on." He's less appreciative of our non-sympathy than he was from ages 0 to 5.

Missie

It is even worse if the child getting hurt is Daddy's Sweet Baby Girl. Just wait...

Kristin

You are my favorite. The End.

Amalah

Ha! No, not food products of any kind...it's a stuffed monkey with velcro paws that he likes to wear around his waist like a belt. Because why not?

Cort

First, I hope Noah is feeling better and will get back on his scooter.

Second, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Your husband and mine would get along well. When our basement flooded last year and I suggested that instead of tearing out and replacing the carpet with more carpet, we install ceramic tile, his reaction was one of pure horror, because, OMG, what if our (then imaginary, never-going-to-happen-because-we've-been-trying-to-have-a-baby) baby runs and cracks his/her head open on the tile!!!!?????

My response was, "Well, she/he will probably only do that once."

He looked at me as if he'd never met before and I was the most vile monster he'd ever laid eyes on. I tried to explain that it's not like I WANT the baby to crack his/her (now her, I'm due in six weeks) head open and that we'd get those socks with the grippers on the bottom and try to teach the baby not to run in the basement and blah, blah, blah, he still gave me that look. WTF, dude?

Liz

I'm totally on your mama-is-rock-hard-daddy-eats-wuss-for-breakfast train. Here's to a lifetime supply of Spongebob bandaids for Baby and Xanex for Daddy. Booyah!

Andrea

I like your husband. Because he reminds me of my husband, who is also adorable and ridiculous.

Heather

Aw poor Noah! Sounds like it was probably harder on Jason though haha! Yeah, with two boys, probably this will happen once or twice more :P

Jamie Bowden

Man...I totally want Mutant Telekinetic neighbors.

Sprite's Keeper

Gah, my two year old's legs look like a connect the band-aid maze and she's never even looked at a scooter with interest. My husband handles them the same way. Should we book our husbands a ticket to Camp MAN UP?

Danielle

My husband is TOTALLY the overreacting parent! Of course, I'm a bit on the blase' side, too. Right now, it's mostly -- the baby tried to cruise from the coffee table to the couch and the two things weren't as close together as they usually are and he missed and fell on the floor -- but I'm sure skinned knees will play out the same way.

Jamie

Hilarious! Yep, dad is the wuss here too. He dropped the Man Cub down the stairs once and well I was all cool about it and then well laughed my head off at dad totally freaking out. Kids fall, kids get bloody, whatevs :)

Laura

It is the same way in my house. It often causes a fight between my husband and I because of his immediate reaction of anger/blame. We've talked about it several times and he goes on about how the anger comes because of his distress about his children being in pain, blah blah... I get so made when the overreaction comes with the implication of blame. ARghhhhH!!!

MelV

Oh thank goodness its not just my boy! When we went to pick out his helmet for his new bike he only had eyes for the bright pink and purple one with swirlies and butterflies, I totally would have gotten it for him but alas, husbands family is very country and i knew he'd never hear the end of it so i opted for the OH LOOOOK AT THIS COOL TRANSFORMERS HELMUT! He went for it. :)

Tracy

Dude. You have several more years of this. If your boys never end up with skinned knees, IT IS A BAD THING. Also, the public yelling/humiliation of the wife? NEVER appropriate. Someone here screwed up big time, but you're pointing fingers at the wrong person.

And I'm also wondering if those are potatoes.

Brenda

Skinned Knees = badges of courage!

I probably still have rocks in my knees from all the falling off my bicycle that I did.

Honestly. I had a friend ask me if the scars on my knees were from falling down....I had to laugh and then tell him... uh no. ACL surgery. But I love that he knew I was a klutz.

Amy

I cannot stop laughing. And my 32-weeks-pregnant-tomorrow self really needed that today!

If I had a nickel for every time I skinned a knee, elbow, hand, foot, etc., growing up... I'd be in Hawaii right now.

LPC

Boys have to fight monsters. Because when monsters come, we girls might be pregnant. Or nursing. Biology makes it so. We do our best to undo, but in the end, it is the case.

catherino

What is it with these dads? My husband is the same way. My boys are 6 and 8 and they routinely climb onto the roof of the plastic playhouse in the backyard. To hear my husband freak out about it, you'd think they were scaling the side of the Empire State Building.

lisa

um, err,
was this written by the same person who wrote about the yukky bugs on Friday?

Hey, I'll take a guy who gets all weepy about his little man's 1st skate burn over a boor who yells at him to "suck it up".

Snarky Mommy

Dying laughing at Jason. Yes at him, not with him.

We had the Skinned Knees of Death at our house this summer and they're still hot-pink scars on his itty bitty knees. But he was fine and got right back on the trike afterward and rode even more. Boys are tough and you're right, way more of this come in the future.

Whatever will Jason do if Noah gets hurt playing a sport? You must duct tape him to the bleachers so he doesn't run out onto to the field yelling, "Myyyyyyy baaaaaabyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Belle

Hahahahah my boyfriend handles our bulldog getting hurt similarly to Jason. It totally turns me on. Nooot.

Lorena

I vote more posts with Jason as the main character in the future. Man, Amy, how did you manage to get ALL of the good ones? Jason, Noah, Ezra...there's nothing left for the rest of us!

Tell Jason that pretty much all of your blog readers are now swooning over his cuteness. That should make him feel better. Or worse, depending on how creepy he finds us.

nonsoccermom

Scootastrophe indeed! OMFG SMELLING SALTS made me laugh out loud.

I agree with many of the previous posters in that my husband is totally the softie at our house. And he ALWAYS blames ME!! What is that about?!

lizneust

But is Noah going to get back on the scooter? I've got a girl a couple months younger than him and I am dreading the first time she falls like that, because it could very well be the last time the scooter gets used....

Parsing Nonsense

Man, I scraped my knees so much as a child that my knees resemble nothing so much as elephant knees now. Badges of courage indeed! If you can't see bone through the wound you're not trying hard enough!

Val

Yeah - wait until he does a face plant off the bike. OK maybe that was just my nephew while I was watching him. He knocked loose his front tooth (Labor Day weekend). When I came home from school for Thanksgiving, poor kid had an absessed front tooth and no one would figure out what happened and it took two visits to the doctor to figure out. Oops. I guess I should have told his Mom about the face plant. Me Bad.

lonek8

that is exactly how it is in my house too. my husband gets all worked up and I'm just like, yeah, let's deal with it, no one is dying, whatever. It has happened twice this week when our daughter has gotten up in teh middle of the night crying with a cough. He's all frekaing out that she's sick and i'm just giving her some tylenol and putting her back to bed so I can sleep some more. Guess which one of us is sick now? hahaha!

Alias Mother

Haaaaaaaa. This is awesome in so many ways.

May I suggest that, as penance, Jason go read the entire archives over at freerangekids.wordpress.com? That's been my "don't be a pansy, kids will live through boo boos" gutcheck.

Cincy

I wish my husband was more of a wuss. It sounds like fun!

Karen

This could have totally happened at my house. I am the one who does not screech at the sight of blood (because, MEMO TO DADS: screeching about injuries make the kids freak out and get even weepier), who calmly gets the bandaids and says, "I know it hurts, it'll feel better soon," while my husband is the one stomping around, slamming a fist into his palm, and generally freaking out.

Also? I do not freak out as much about a puking kid. My husband is AWESOME at cleaning puke out of sheets, carpets, whatever, but he cannot really deal with the kid from which the puke is spewing. It's almost like he thinks kids do it on purpose. Probably because he's thrown up twice in his life, so his attitude is, "Oh for GOD'S sake," while i'm all, "here's the bowl, let's stay calm, mkay?"

kaelak

Most. Hilarious. Post. EVAR. Y'all are HYSTERICAL.

Karen

I'll never forget the way my husband looked at me the first time our son got sick in front of him. One hand caught it while the other grabbed for a nearby bowl and all the while I had my arm around him. He was all googly-eyes, "How'd you know he was gonna?" Just did...
Daddy has certain skills but mommy is da bomb. He does the same thing with the blame though...what is up with that? Like we want bad things to happen?

Karen

I can't believe you had the audacity to move into a neighborhood with sidewalks and pavement and DANGER!! You never should have moved to the 'burbs. You'll know better in your next life.

Kathleen

Wow, it takes a real man to admit that he deserves to be blogged about.

Amanda aka Superpucky

Oh Amalah I am so dissappointed, I figured you could use the amazing powers of your brain to levetate your child to saftety. How dare you not save that sweet fragile child from certain death!
Hubby overeaction...SOOOO not cool...very big "learning" (you best naught ever do that crap evah again mofo or we gonna have a "Come to Jesus" meeting.) opportunity here.
Noah looked like he ended up with the pretty cool end of the stick though. Kick ass new bike, cool stickers AND raisinettes! Whoa! I want all of that!

Starbuck

lolz!!!

another Amy

You must have a wonderfully lovely marriage, because if I had written that about my husband (who is also wonderful and lovely) he would be PISSED. I certainly have thought like that, though, and let him know it.

AmandaG

SMELLING SALTS!! BWAHHAHAHA! That's some funny shiz.

Robyn

The first one's always the worst! I remember my husband going all "What have you done to MY son!" when Jake slipped in the tub, while I was holding his arm and moving in to grab the second one, and he smacked his cheek which swelled up and turned a lovely shade of purple. My husband called his sister, the nurse, who was all "Don't let him fall asleep whatever you do!" Facial injuries and concusions and whatnot. That helped. Of course, it was bedtime so he was panick attack central all night, shaking Jake awake just to "be sure". This also happened a week before his 1st birthday so he had a lovely shiner to share with the grandparents. He's been relatively accident free, accept for running nose first into the base of the couch on his 4th birthday. He just skinned his knee at school really bad last week (he's 6 now) and he's been hobbling around and rolling his shorts leg all the way up so there's no chance the fabric will touch it. It's a pretty cool skinned knee though.

Lisa

OMG. Your hubby really needs to chill. My middle son is allowed one ER visit per year! He's been in for a crashed bike, short cut over rocks...in the dark, etc. I try to keep him in one piece, but he IS A BOY. Good luck!

Heather

Bwa ha ha, Jason. ;^)
And go Noah! Get back on that scooter and show it who's boss! :D

melissa

mom to 3 boys here. 18,15 and 12. sometimes i can't believe we made it this far. I wish the E.R. had something like a frequent flyer plan. My boys wear their scars proudly.

Just Shireen

Sounds like my dad who was known to pass out when I was hurt.

heather

My son had a tooth pulled out this month. It broke after he fell off of some playground equipment back in May, but it wasn't apparent until toothache set it. The fall was bad enough to warrant a trip to the ER, which Dad didn't attend due to the fact he travels during the week for work. But then Mom was sick during tooth-pulling. Now, Mom has been to the dentist for three fillings, and she attended the tooth pulling after hauling herself out of bed. When Dad heard son crying during the actual pulling, he almost launched himself out of the waiting room and back into the examinining/pulling room.
Dads are wusses, but they never experience the "miracle" of childbirth, that's what I chalk it up too.

I give it to you for not posting really nasty if he broke rank and screamed at you in the street. I would be holding out for jewelry at that point. That's a big no no. I don't think my husband would freak over that, but your post was soo funny!

chantale

I don't ever think I have seen band-aids that big. Beats the gauze and tape I've always used.

My husband still asks me where every bruise/cut my son has comes from. He is a boy, he is in preschool with other boys, how the heck do I know where they come from? I don't even know where most of MY cuts and bruises come from!

Thrift Store Mama

What is it with husbands and kids getting hurt? Mine gets worked up over most anything, too. And also? The yelling at you outside thing? SO annoying. Mine does it too, but won't apologize afterwards.

Della

one of the best posts recently. i roared.
my husband chuckled, which is the same thing.

Also WTH is up with the "sorry, we cannot accept this data" message? I get it like every time now.

txtingmrdarcy

This post totally had me doing the "silent laugh" in my cube at work- you know, where your shoulders shake and your face hurts but you'd rather people think you're having a seizure than being the crazy chick who sits in her cube and laughs? It was like that. I can't decide whether the "smelling salts" or "pansy" lines were better. :)

rntamara

HaHaHa-
Being an emergency room nurse, it takes alot to get me in a tizzy - childhood mishaps don't qualify. I'm sure my daughter would tell you that there is not much that can't be cured with "put an ice pack on it and lie down for awhile - you'll be fine."
rntamara :)

Chloe

this really made me laugh, not the part about the boo boo's obviously (poor noah) but because my husband (who sometimes looks eerily similar to your jason) tends to get a little wacky and illogical at times as well...for example, immediately after i read your post we went for a walk at dusk with our three month old son when suddenly we were surrounded by a cloud of gnats (i.e. harmless teeny tiny bugs that DO NOT bite) hubs flipped his lid and literally sprinted away from me with the stroller and starting frantically swatting at the stroller and our kid like a mad man in the middle of the road! i just stood there in shock...i mean i don't want bugs on the baby either, but he was acting like we had been attacked by sharks! i caught up to him, made sure we were bug free and then continued on my way, then he looked at me and said "ummm, why aren't you more upset about this? this isn't AFRICA chloe! we can't just let bugs get all over our kid!" er, whatever that means! (for the record there was not a single bug on the baby)

anyways i just wanted to tell you i'm with you.

(p.s. that was far longer than i meant it to be)

Twenty Four At Heart

He looks adorable with those bandaids on his knees!

Kristin

I love that Jason recognized his attack of wussitude. Y'all are great and I hope this doesn't stop Noah's scooter love.

Jennifer

I think it's really sad that you won't buy Noah the bike that he wants. Why should you care what color it is? If it makes him happy, then shouldn't you encourage it? At least he's showing interest in things like bikes and scooters, right?

I guess I'm just really saddened that as a parent of a special needs child you're still trying to enforce gender stereotyping.

mpotter

seriously- cracking up here.
sorry about noah, but it gave you GOOD fodder!

and yes, i'm the more blase one, too. says the mom who has had her daughter have not one but 2 bruise-marks on her head and when both knocks happened was all "oh, she's fine". (didn't even pick her up when she cried...oops)

die Frau

While we don't have kids yet, I know this will happen when we do. DH did this with our puppy a few months ago--she got an infection from her spaying stitches and he practically pulled me out of the shower, yelling that we had to get to the vet F**KING NOW, NOW! So I calmly drove us there where we found out it was...nothing.

The funny part is he SAYS he won't freak out...but I know he will. Glad Noah's ok!

Amalah

Oh seriously, Jennifer. It was a JOKE. Like a lot of things in this post. The pink one was the store's floor model. He liked it because it was the right size and easiest to pedal. I doubt he even noticed the color. His favorite colors (if you ask him) are green and blue, but the bike didn't come in green, soooo...a blue bike it is.

The kid has baby dolls and a pink tea set and is also getting a dollhouse for his birthday, so seriously: lighten up.

Kim

Did Jason read this before you posted? Yikes. My husband is the same way. Constant freak out over our two daughters now 7 and 9. I think a broken arm or a skinned knee give you character. However, I am apparently a heartless bitch who has no sympathy. He is the sweet dad with all the love. Oh well. We make a good team.

Allison

Aw, poor kiddo! I can remember how scary a skinned knee was when I was a kid... hell, they still scare me now!

Hopefully he'll get back in the saddle before too long. :)

Plano Mom

As my brother said (he who had an ER named after him) after my son face planted on the sidewalk:

"Sometimes you gotta do it wrong to learn how to do it right."

Way to learn Noah... AND Jason.

Cara

One parent is required to have a meltdown at such times. Glad Jason stepped up to the plate to cover it while you were calm.

Laura

Hey, WAIIIIIT a minute... are you saying Jason was THERE when the scootastrophe took place? And that you were holding precious snowflake #2, and precious snowflake #1 was on his scooter, and SOMEONE should have done SOMETHING to prevent the catastrophe, and Jason is saying it should have been snowflake-carrying YOU and NOT HIM???

(Apologies for lateness of comment.)

dimplecheek

It's been my experience that the moms are always the tough ones cleaning up the blood while dad drinks some liquor and avoids vomiting. Case in point: Steel Magnolias.

I love that my husband is a total WUSS when it comes to these incidents. That way, I don't feel so guilty for making him kill all the spiders that come in the house.

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