Ezra 3:16
October 09, 2009
Lo, if it is hard and unyielding, I shall whallop my noble crown against it.
If it is soft and upholstered, I shall climb atop and hurl my body headfirst from its highest peak.
If it is a place in which I may get stuck, I will get stuck.
If it is not bolted to the wall...look, you see where this is going, okay?
If it is food, I shall eat it.
If it fits in my mouth, then it is food, and verily, I shall eat it.
If it does not fit in my mouth, it is still probably food, and I shall wail piteously about not being able to eat it.
If you have forgotten to put the pet food back on the counter, I shall sense it from three rooms away, for I am all-knowing, except for where I dropped that toy I was playing with not 30 seconds prior.
If a bathroom door is open, I shall find it and pass through it and have my hands in the toilet faster than an unladen European swallow.
If you are in the bathroom, I shall choose this exact moment to trip over my stupid little plastic push toy walker and send my bottom teeth through my upper lip, just so you can hear the wailing for 15 horrible seconds before arriving on the scene, by which point there is blood gushing everywhere and because you have such terrific instincts your first thought shall be, "FORBIDDEN BABY IMMORTAL VAMPIRE CHILD!"
If you decide to inspect my lip the next day, woe shall be upon you. Woe and nausea. For I did indeed do a grisly number on myself.
If the dishwasher door is open, I shall climb upon it.
Then I shall find the knives, and you shall forced to put the camera down right quick.
If you attempt a weekly Friday blog feature regarding dated out-of-print high school textbooks and other laughable ephemera, I shall mash the buttons on your scanner with such force as to reset all the default settings so that anything you scan shall be like the Tower of Babel, incomprehensible, unreadable, and using up a fucking shitload of ink because for some reason it keeps printing instead of scanning but everything is printing all black and, like, what the hell?
If you attempt to get mad at me, I shall look at you like this, and all shall be forgiven.
Funny, delicious, and terribly frustrating.
Thanks for reminding me that it's really not so bad that my kid is not yet independently mobile.
I'll take wah-wah-come-hold-my-hand-so-I-can-walk over injury-and-blood any day!
Ahh, those faces! & the little shoes. I can't stand it. Too cute.
That. Was. Awesome.
I just love that little trouble maker.
LOVE the dishwasher pics! How do they know that exact moment when you're moving forward on the toilet to get up and shut the lid to the drop the toy in the bowl??? Evil baby geniuses!!
Ok, he is pretty much the cutest thing ever. (And this entry is hilarious.)
I'm pretty sure this was the best post ever on a Friday.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeah. 2 & 9 at our house (climbing and toilet). The best was the time he was dipping his PACI in the toilet water. Ah, good times.
The dishwasher - my first thought was wow! how does she keep him away from the silverware? and then I read on. Tip: we showed ours how to push the basket in, and then close the dishwasher door, which he does with gusto now. Voila! no getting in the dishes! Of course, Monkey See also saw us turn the knob thing to START the dishwasher so we are lucky he doesn't have the hand strength/coordination to turn it...
oh, the term "paci" was just capitalized for emphasis. I just read my own comment and went, "what is that acronym?". doh. i need more sleep. (pacifier.)
It must be impossible to stay mad at that face, especially since it looks like an adorable baby version of your own face. So cute!
Don't. Look. At. The. Face. DAMN!!
Ahhh...ain't he sweet?
(...unladen European swallow...hehe...love that movie)
... and if it is food and I find out I don't like it, I shall fling it against walls and ceilings and the spotting shall be terrible.
That's from Little Miss Kickboxer's apocryphal version ...
Speaking of Forbidden Baby Immortal Vampire Child and dishwashers, my Meredith seems to have imprinted on the steak knives. Her very existence is based upon their proper cleaning and removal from said dishwasher. So. Good luck with that.
Also, speaking of silverware - I could eat that kid with a spoon for his cutedom surpasses all evil.
Amen.
One of the funniest, sweetest things I've ever read. It just made my Friday (which unfortunately, up until now, was not making itself).
Aww, I just wanna squish him! And make a mental note to keep the dishwasher closed when the time comes for me!
Ay-dor-able!
What a charmer!
& also, now I know what happend to 2wn & Brenda. I've been waiting on pins and needles to find out if she's preggo with an interracial baby! Or whatever they called it. I just remember the horrible horrible faces...GAH!
good thing they are cute at this age. Otherwise we'd just eat them and be done with the headache. Little brother spends his days climbing attempting to scale his own personal Everest--the kitchen island.
I've been nothing but flu and woe all week, but this totally made me smile. :)
*snicker, snicker, guffaw, snort laugh*
*wipes laugh-tears from eyes*
Can I have him? I will bait, er trade, you with double chocolate cupcakes.
'Faster than an unladen European swallow' has me cracking up. Thankyou. I shall now clop away.
LOVE it. I was soooo happy to see that you posted on Friday and this post was fabulous!
My fav:
If you have forgotten to put the pet food back on the counter, I shall sense it from three rooms away, for I am all-knowing, except for where I dropped that toy I was playing with not 30 seconds prior.
So true. He is adorable. Happy weekend!
so then... how do you have time to blog?
haha, this is great
"If it is food, I shall eat it.
If it fits in my mouth, then it is food, and verily, I shall eat it.
If it does not fit in my mouth, it is still probably food, and I shall wail piteously about not being able to eat it."
Oh, what a good laugh I had reading that! My youngest is just a couple weeks older than Ezra and it seems they have a lot in common, including their love for the dishwasher. The other day while I peed, my son opened it, took out the bottom (thankfully empty) rack, and was sitting inside when I found him. Boys.
That kid is so precious. I just want to eat him for dinner!
I have the exact photo of my son in/on the dishwasher. Guess what--he's almost 4 now and is no less of a wild man than he was at this age. Good luck with that one!!!!
Damn funny. He is so damn cute it hurts my ovaries and makes me want more.
Haha. My daughter is about 2 weeks younger than Ezra, and just this morning we got a very similar set of photos in our dishwasher...
And lo, we shalt all drool a little over the Ezra, for he is chunky and delicious-looking. Verily.
I'm de-lurking to say, Duuude I think my daughter might be Ezra's twin or something. She's nine months old and I just walked into her room to find her grinning away as she nearly crawled out of her crib. When she starts to walk I'm going to require sedatives or skates...
P.S. He is soooo cute, absolutely munchable.
This is the best post ever! And, he is the cutest troublemaker ever.
So sayeth the mighty, mighty Ez.
Amen.
Now that is a religion I will NEVER question.
You get bonus extra points if the baby climbs up on the dishwasher, then tosses out a dish or two, right? RIGHT?
and thus, the might ezra has spoken.
Why did you take the helmet off? I think you really were on to something there. Is there some kind of mouth guard? Could he be taught to think a surgical mask is cute?
We call our little phenomenon "Hank Smash." at 7 months he is dangerously mobile and tall (as in can reach things we don't always forsee him reaching). He destoroyed two laptop cords in as many weeks (hitting us where it hurts!). $130 bucks later we are still charmed (if also dooooooomed).
verily.
LOL
verily.
LOL
happy bday erza! love this post.
I'll add this post to my list of reasons why I don't want my son to start crawling!
But OMG, those pictures are darling!!!
The lost Book of Ezra!! Biblical scholars worldwide are in awe of your dicovery!
My son is exactly the same age as Ezra . . . and they seem to be doing exactly the same things!
This may be your best work since Fall began!
And lo, the faithful reader did comment, "Verily, Amalah rocketh above all others."
Yeah, Mia was about that age when I had to rethink my dishwasher loading strategy. Luckily my dishwasher has a utensil basket that runs front to back on the right side, rather than all across the front. So I collect all the knives and put them all, tip down (just in case), in the very back compartment. Of course, from what you say about Ezra that would probably only buy you a week or two before he'd just crawl all the way in to get to the knives, but it worked for Mia. Like all the way until she was old enough to understand "Do not touch the knives young lady!"
Amy, I've read you for years and this is HANDS DOWN the funniest post you've ever written. Oh my god.
Oh my hell Amy - that was hilarious! Mighty mighty Ez - love the face at the end.
chortle-chortle-guffaw, guffaw, snicker snort AHAHAHAHAA!
xo
b.
Genius -true, yet funny! Even made my inlaws laugh. I had to share this one around because everyone needs to enjoy this entry.
I normally just lurk and read, and don't comment, but I loved this! I was unable to leave the site without telling you that.
So funny and so true. It really is a good thing they are so cute isn't it?
What was it about the lips this weekend? My just turned one year old boy also bit himself on the upper lip as he did a nosedive to the floor (he's a little top heavy...) and blood literally FILLED his mouth. He seemed fine after being cleaned up but he definitely resembled a little vampire baby when it first happened!
Awesome. Just awesome.
Your Ezra can come play with my Miles... who managed to open up a dresser drawer and pull out all of the clothes and throw them around his room-- while he was still in his crib (allegedly napping). He also climbed over his safety gate this weekend. Am. So. Screwed.
i've always known that you're awesome, but when you said 'unladen european swallow' i kind of wanted to get in my car, drive to the DC area, and give you a hug.
unfortunately, i have 80 kindergarteners to take care of, so i guess i'll hug them instead.
this sounds awful - but i'm so glad my kid isn't the only one to fall and vampire puncture their lips and cause enough panic to last forever. Both of my girls have done it..the first with help from a playmat..the second all on her own. thank you for that. and i hope his lip is all better soon.
It was so nice of you to write a post about my daughter.
(we stick the knives in the very back. that way we have some time to run to Grace and get her out of the dishwasher before she grabs a knife.)
Brilliant!
BaaahahahHAHAhaha! I felt like I was reading a page from my own son's playbook. I especially like the Monty throwback - unladen swallow - bit.
is there anything better than funny? CUTE and FUNNY! and better than cute and funny? VERY CUTE and VERY FUNNY!
His poor little lip! Stupid teeth!
I'd forgive him all his silliness too if he looked at me like that. Because that's one heck of a cute baby.
He is too cute! what a great family you have!
sorry, not my link! my link here:http://whydoessheblog.blogspot.com/
Is there some kind of rule that says you can't just wrap them up in gauze and padding and let them run wild until the age of about four? Because that - or maybe some kind of padded suit - would be fantastic.
Gwen climbs in the dishwasher too. We should get those two together for a playdate. Imagine the blog fodder after they utterly destroyed our homes! (We'd put the laptops somewhere safe beforehand, NATCH.)
This post was hilarious. Isn't it amazing how different siblings can be? You must be exhausted. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, you just totally described my days with my 13 month old Parker! I'm glad to hear I'm not all alone in the forever chasing and saying "Get that out of your mouth!".
*seven thumbs up for Breaking Dawn reference*
Renezramee??
Oy, still doesn't make it any better.
amy and jason: beautifying the world, one little blonde dude at a time.
you've officially made my (shitty) day today. thank you!