When You Viral
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First Draft Jumble

Or, Stuff That Would Have Gone On Twitter If I Didn't Lose Interest After Reaching 141 Characters

Or, Stuff That's Been Sitting In My Drafts Folder Waiting For Me To Remember What The Hell I Was Talking About

Or, I Made You A Blog Entry, But It Sucks


We have three separate garbage/recycling pick-ups on Wednesday morning, which means by 7 am I have had three separate panic attacks over THE BUS THE BUS OH SHIT WE'VE MISSED THE BUS.

It's gotten so bad that I can actually be looking out the window, starting directly AT a garbage/recycling truck and still get all twisty-in-the-heart-region at the sound of the engine and squealing brakes.

Pavlov's School Bus, you guys. WTF.


Speaking of the school bus, it shows up close to a half-hour late on rainy mornings. Because, you know, it's raining and wet and therefore we are ALL GOING TO DIE IN OUR CARS. But the return bus shows up perfectly on time, to the minute, no matter what. Now, I don't mean to suggest that I feel a little cheated by that lost half hour of zoning out over my coffee, or that I sometimes resent the efficiency of that second bus...except well. Yes. That's exactly what I mean to suggest. I'm sorry, I don't know where else I thought I could go with that story.


I am unhealthily obsessed with Fake Blogs. The people who just make shit straight up, their entire identity and life story. The total full-on trolls. I never seem to hear about them until after they've been exposed, but nevertheless I am compelled to go back and read every. word. of the drama and detective work.

You know, the people who are all, "Look at this picture of a doll/someone else's kid/child model from a diaper package that I'm passing off as my critically ill baby!"

The Muchausen by Internet people who write about their brave battle with seven kinds of cancer AND swine flu AND being the Real Hero, while using stolen photos of their hotter, thinner friend.

The housewives who pretend to be gay men, using everything they learned about gay culture from Brokeback Mountain, or who create a zillion sockpuppets and go completely Machiavellian just to become Internet Famous in a very specific segment of Livejournal fanfiction.

The teenage girls who write about being a SAHM to twins and quadruplets and sextuplets -- all totally not from IVF but from JESUS and they are all girls and identical and their names are Kaylaynia Devion Brintley Kamrie Brialynne Faith Hope Peace Godina Phoenix Ecetera. (That last one is pronounced ma-KEN-zee, of course.)

Seriously, I freaking love that shit. I mean, I really do feel for people who get taken in, and get their emotions and wallets toyed with, or have their photos or writing stolen (I've been there, and it's annoying as hell). I just...man. It's so awesome when the shit hits the fan and the person gets caught and panics and posts non-apologies for awhile before bahbleeting everything, but OF COURSE everybody swoops in and digs all the lies out of Google's cache and is all TEH CRAZY, LET ME SHOW YOU IT. IS SWEET JUSTICE TIMEZ NAO.

I eat it up, I love it so. Don't ever adjust your meds, Internet.


Let's see. What else.

The Mighty Zah is taking his Scrunchy Face to new levels, meaning he now smiles so hard that his eyes close and he bumps into things. I keep trying to get a picture of it but the sight of our camera still brings out the Serious Baby in him, so all I end up with are more photos of him giving me the stinkeye. 


So not amused. At all. Not even a little. Now take this stupid crown off, you've dressed me like a convict again and a glittery shiny 99-cent crown from the party store doesn't even make sense, much like the rest of this entry.



Oh! I didn't even NOTICE there was a freaking crown on Zah's head. It blended in with the wall-crap. And I seriously love that fucking outfit Zah is wearing.


We missed the bus today. It sucks!


Etcetera = Mackenzie? Hahahaha!!! I love that site. And I like your randomness. And I forgot about your stolen writings until you mentioned them.


I love the stinkeye!!


Okay, so it was Ectera. It's early here and I haven't had enough coffee...


I once had my writing pinched by Brody Jenner's underwear-model girlfriend. I wanted to go Dick Cheney all over her (disgustingly perfect) ass, but had my publisher's legal department handle it instead.

P.S. If you're in the market to plagiarize, perhaps pulling from a bestselling book isn't the smartest choice.

Jen O.

Serious Baby is still Seriously Cute, even though Scrunchy Face Baby Smashing Into Walls would have also been cute.


How does one find these fake blogs? Because they sound wildly entertaining, and I can always use a diversion from my own mind-numbing reality.


You rock. That will be all.


Mind numbing reality being imPULSE ECG competencies. I'm begging for unproductive diversions.


Life Of Crime Baby is working on his glare, upping his street-cred. Or something. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I, too, am a fan of the Internet Drama. In fact, I used to have a livejournal blog and I belonged to a community of people who did all sorts of SERIOUS RESEARCH about people they thought were fakes, except I did no research and just watched, because they were like another subset of crazy and it was sorta awesome, in a sad way.

Megan@Blueberry Scones

I'm with RaeAnn - where do you find these fake blogs? Ooooh, you should turn that into a weekly thing! Like, a weekly round up of the fakest of the fake: How you know they're fake, and why we should read them.


I particularly like how you fact-checked the person who was plagiarizing you on MySpace (no Ikeas in Nevada? Who knew?) Because, of course, the posts *might* be emanating from some alternate universe where you were actually blogging on MySpace. From Las Vegas. But Ikea locations were the same as in this universe. (So where *would* alternate-universe-you buy her shelving?)

By the way, I share your obsession with fake bloggers-- at least, the non-plagiarizing ones. If it weren't evil, Id be very tempted to become one.

Jay Andrew Allen

Oh, that's a LOOK.


And how about when you are a COMPLETELY REAL PERSON and people accuse you on your blog of making everything up and saying nobody who would be who you say you are would do what you do. And you think, but I am, and I do, so now what Reality Police? Huh? Huh?

Sprite's Keeper

The picture along could forgive the randomness of this post, but I've never heard of fake blogs. I've heard of trolls which, I've read, should be dispatched the same way you would a zombie.


Man, fake baby gate with the reborn baby was a fantastic train wreck to watch -- though it was sad for many people who were invested in it.


I want to read enthralling fake blogs! Post links, pretty please.
One of my favorite outfits when I was little was a convict outfit. It was as comfy as wearing scrubs. Cheer up Ezra.


RaeAnn & Megan: Here, a couple names to send you into the dark Google rabbit hole of MASSIVE TIME SUCK. April Rose (fake terminally ill baybeeee) and msscribe (total wackaloon from the Harry Potter fandom on livejournal).

I don't know what's worse, that these people clearly spent 99% of their real lives creating fake lives online...or that I can easily spend a couple hours reading about those fake lives.


Okay, a couple of my personal favorites to send y'all down the Google Rabbit Hole of MASSIVE TIME SUCK: the April Rose scam blog (fake terminally ill baybeeee) and msscribe (some crazy ambitious wackaloon from the Harry Potter fandom on LiveJournal).

Of course, I don't know what's sadder -- people who spend 99% of their real lives creating fake lives on the Internet, or the hours I've spent reading about those fake lives.


I laughed so hard at that picture of Ezra. That is the best face I've seen in a long time. He is so fully hating you for that crown on his head. If he can already give a withering stare like that, I can't wait see what he says when he starts talking!


Re: fake blogs.
I'm so naive...had no idea.


Ezra is in baby prison??? Nooooooooooo.

(He really is giving you the stink eye.)

Alias Mother

Oh, I love internet drama to an embarrassing degree. It's odd, because in real life I run far, far away from any fights like that. I can't even watch trashy talk shows because it makes me all tense and uncomfortable. But a good blog meltdown? Hand over the popcorn, sister, and let's settle in.

I find that post-BlogHer is the best time for any variety of internet crazy. All that earnestness and good will needs a balance in the universe or something.


Pavlov's School Bus? You made me snort coffee. Hey, you totally need to share the fake blogs, k? Seriously. I'm coming up next week on being a sahm for 7 years. Help me.


I'm RUSHING OUT in 6 inches of fresh snow to buy that convict outfit for Snackbox. Okay, I was going to Old Navy anyway for sleepers (Um, Carter's? Have you actually SEEN a 12 month old baby recently? 'Cause, yeah, your jammie jams do not fit my 10 month old chunk, no way no how). Anyway... how I wish they came in my size...

Snackbox's BFF is named MacKenzie, but we just call her The Terror. That way we don't confuse the eight other MacKenzies at story time.


I am so with you on the bus/trash truck thing.

GAH THE BUS IS CLEARLY HERE TWO HOURS EARLY WHAT IS GOING ON WE WILL NEVER MAKE IT!! Every single Monday & Thursday at 6 am without fail.


Fake blogs? Never heard of this but am very interested! More links please!


I am fascinated by the whole fake blog bit, too. Who thinks of that shit?


It has been raining nonstop for days (I am expecting an ark to float by soon) so we DROVE the 1/2 block to the bustop so we could wait in the car. Do not. Want to miss. The. Bus.

Still pissed about the last time and the stolen picture of the Tire (am mad for you so you don't have to be) .

all things BD

Oh, I LOVE the fake blog drama. They even created a blog (of course) to outline the discovery and revelation. Try googling "down with trolls".

First one I was aware of was about a CF girl who had a double lung transplant but it turned out she didn't have CF at all and everyone was pissed because they bought her an XBox for her hospital stay. Awesome.

Mama Flamingo

Dude! I love the fake-blogs! On CaringBridge (a blogging site for those who are ill) there were a few that people got tons-o-money. I remember the LJ/ sockpuppet one because I was "friends" with the originator of the puppets. It was crazy when all that crap hit the fan... Maybe someday I'll write about the "girl" who I became friends with as a teenager who was disowned by her family because she was disabled, lived with nuns and then died (I was sent a letter by the nuns). Oh, crazy internet, I love you!

BTW- What happened to "Claudia"?


Yeah! Inquiring minds want to know. What happened with "Claudia"? Did Yvonne go Latina on her ass?


Oh man, I know what I am spending my weekend on: fake blogs. They sound delicious. I love blog drama like trailer park people love Rite Aid's version of Keds. The only problem is that I usually don't find out about it until after it is way over.

Thanks for the hints for searches! More please!

chatty cricket

I have only been lucky enough to catch one fake blog in action (it was a fake baby/no, she's a baby not a doll/it is a miracle from Jesus that she's living today kind of ordeal/okay she's a doll but I wrote this from a place of love), and WOW I was RIVETED when it all came crashing down.

Please to email next time you find a good fake one.


When we forget there's actual people involved, the dramaz are awesome. But people make it much too easy to forget there are people involved. Off to Google :)

Zah, the crown looks adorable.


Hahahahaha, Pavlov's Schoolbus, that's hilarious


Beg to differ!! The entry makes perfect sense, and I loved it!


Why are you the funniest person on earth??!! I love you!


Hee! My little Gavin has that same "jailbird" outfit and....he's wearing it today. I'm pretty sure he and Ez are destined to be best friends.

Parsing Nonsense

The fake blogs do it for you, huh? I don't have nearly the same affectation for you, but whatever works :)


Oh, if he could talk, he would TOTALLY be saying "F you Mama"


Are you still writing a blog or do you just type whatever you are free associating? Sorry, but I miss the old you!


Oh Amy. *tsk tsk*

If you were a nice person, you would be telling us about these fake blogs. Where, oh where can we find these??


Seriously addicted to your blog. You are thoroughly entertaining and I miss ya! Its been years. Glad I can connect to you in some capacity.


I'm sure you get this all the time, but I nominated you for an award on my site.


I love the school bus thing; I love my son more than anything, but I relish the last few minutes before he gets home.

And I could see myself being a fake-blog addict. I went and got "A Million Little Pieces" after it was debunked, because I was curious what a fake memoir was like. And the thing I keep saying is that I seriously couldn't make up the shit these people talk about; their imaginations are so good, why not just bill it as fiction? I'd be more impressed that they can imagine that than I would be that those things were happening to them.


I totally love the concept of Pavlov's school bus.

I too didn't notice the crown on Zah's head until I read the caption.


I love me a fake blog as the next person, and I totally got drawn in by the TSA nonsense, but I am so confused by this msscribe thing.


Sometimes I'm tempted to say that at the end of the day life is just one big fake blog. But life doesn't seem to be just one anything.

Bachelor Girl

That photo of Young Prince Zah just kind of made my day.


I love all the drama around big fat internet liars, but I only ever hear them mentioned and then never do get to find out who they are, which makes me crazy, because I don't get to watch the horrible traffic accident that's going on.


I remember the fake blog and the zebra print. I also remember the tire. Dude, the tire was last week wasn't it? My life, flashing before my eyes in the form of your blog...... I need to get out more.


I LOL'ed for realz at "etcetera is pronounced ma-KEN-zee", ha!

I also love weird made up internet shit, and now I HAVE to see one of the teen SAHMs to a baby from jeeesus blogs, please oh please oh please. You can DM it to me on twitter, I won't tell anyone, I promise.

And the garbage truck thing? Just be glad you don't live with my dog, who barks his head off if a leaf blows by on the sidewalk. Three garbage pickups in one morning would make his head explode.


Um, Ezra's expression reflects my own pondering..."Dude, that happens?" I had no idea! Where the heck have I been? Oh wait...playing Scramble on Facebook.


Wait a minute--does that mean this is a FAKE blog? So I can stop hating you for being so thin because you're probably a fat, hairy old man with a swearing problem?



i totally wish my online life was fake. and Thalon had this exact outfit.

yea, that wasn't creepy in the least bit.


You are one of the reasons I'm so very happy Al Gore invented the Internets.


You know a lot about fandom on LJ. I am bemused.


I don't think that I've ever come across any of these fake Internet people, but now I'm dying to do just that. It sounds pathetic/hilarious/fascinating!


I also want you to provide links to these fake blogs because I too love that stuff! but I never seem to come across it in my daily trolling of teh intarwebs.


My first exposure to fake blogs was bluring on diaryland... ah, the good old days of the internets. Also, Amy, I am fascinated that you have two of us with such unusual names reading your blog. *lol* Maybe RaeAnn is actually MY sockpuppet... or I could be hers!! Oooh.

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