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The Bacon Poler Express

So I figured something out, something that should really help my time-crunched, messed-up schedule quite a bit. I just need to multitask. Everything I do must serve a dual purpose. Like, I can put Swiffer cloths on the baby's knees, color my roots while I drive, teach my preschooler how to use his pragmatic language skills to argue with our health insurance. And lunch! Oh, what a pointless uni-task waste of time that is! Until now!

Yep. Time for another adventure in microwavery. On today's menu:

BACON POLES!

Baconpolerecipe

So I actually felt a little sad about how terrible that poor souffle turned out, especially since...well, come on. It was a souffle. That I microwaved. Let's not stack the deck too high against any chance of success, shall we? So I chose this recipe because 1) it contains bacon, 2) I had a coupon for bacon, 3) microwaved bacon is actually pretty darn good, and 4) BACON POLES, YOU GUYS.

MEAT STICKS.

BEEFLOGS. (Okay, PORKLOGS, if you buy into the idea of a single magical animal that gives us pork and bacon and ham and logs.)

Baconpolephoto copy

(Also pictured, top right: "Seaside Cheese Dip." The secret ingredient is canned clams!)

I'm a big fan of things wrapped in bacon, and an even bigger fan of meats on sticks. Put meat on a stick and wrap it in bacon, and I will...uh. I will eat it. Yeah. I'm that serious. (Although if you present me with the other recipe on page 55 -- Microwaved Bacon-Wrapped Chicken Livers -- I may pass on those.)

ANYWAY! It's a pretty straightforward recipe. Packaged breadsticks, bacon, scissors, paper towels and a paper plate.'Twas a simpler time, in a way.

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I wish I could say that my perfectly seasonal choice of paper plate was intentional, but it's actually a leftover from last Halloween. (I also may have some fun-sized toffee bars or some other thing that no one in our household likes. You know, in case our BACON POLES! don't turn out so well.)

Cut bacon in half with scissors. Ew. This is actually not super fun, but I suppose it's necessary to achieve true spiral "barber pole fashion."

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Mmmm, meat barber lollipops.

Now, there was no way I was going to follow the times in the recipe -- while "Defrost" and "Medium" have proven to be fairly comparable, cooking on "High" in a modern-day microwave is the 1977-equivalent to roasting over an open rod of plutonium.

My microwave actually has a "bacon" setting, but it requires math and stuff, like dividing an 8-ounce package of bacon by 10 strips and then multiplying by three strips, which means this is about 2.4 ounces of bacon but you can only enter whole numbers awwww fuck it, let's just nuke the plate for a minute and a half or so.

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The crackling sound means it's working! Or that it's about to explode. Definitely one of those two things.

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Okay, so the first batch came out a leeeeeettle well-done. They tasted distinctly burnt, with playful undernotes of char-broiled nitrates. The bacon-wrapped section of breadstick was cooked to the point of blackened petrification.

(STOP MOCKING ME, STUPID JACK O' LANTERN PLATE.)

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Take two! I was determined to succeed this time, since DUDE. It's a fucking microwave. Surely I can not fuck up a fucking recipe that involves little more than pressing a a fucking button. I mean, for all my mockery of this cookbook, I am running dangerously close to being run over by a GE-powered truckload of irony.

I also wanted to eat some bacon, so I made a few modern-day concessions: the rotating turntable went back in, and I used the "bacon" setting, figuring that even if the cooking time wasn't exact, the power level would be. I aimed for underdone, and checked on them compulsively. Come on, BACON POLES!

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Huzzah! Close enough, more or less. Eh.

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For cookbook-photo comparison purposes. I am so serving these at our next Key Party! They'll be awesome dipped into some Canned Clam Cream Cheese Dip!

Okay, so of course I tasted the BACON POLES!, despite the fact that the end product sort of alarmingly reminded me of these dog treats we used to give Ceiba, until we figured out that she was just gnawing off the bacon-like wrapping and then hiding the rawhide stick-part under the sofa cushions.

These were neither especially bacon-y nor pole-like -- eaten warm, the breadstick was kind of chewy. Once they cooled, the breadstick STILL tasted overcooked and the bacon was rendered down to little more than salt. A thick, reddish-brown crunchy coating of salt.

The first one was pretty good, in a "wow, it's like they figured out how to sell bacon in a vending machine" sort of way.

The second one was...uncomfortably salty. What is this world, where bacon is something other than completely delicious? I am distinctly unsettled.

By the time I nibbled on a third one my tongue was shriveling up and I needed WATER WATER MAYDAY WATER.

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Ceiba really liked them, so...that's something. 

(It will probably surprise absolutely NO ONE AT ALL that Paula Deen has her own recipe for BACON POLES! She makes hers in a fancydancy oven. And then she covers them in cheese.)

(BACON POLES!)

Comments

Jess

I have two words for you: Caramelized Bacon.

You can search around for a recipe. They basically all say: Dip bacon in brown sugar and cinnamon. Bake. Eat.

Ridiculously good.

jonniker

Swear to God I almost just barfed reading about DIP with CANNED CLAMS. And I'm not even pregnant. BARF BARF BAAAARRRRFFFFFF.

Angela

Good lord, that looks awful. and I was definitely in the camp of all bacon is good bacon...till now.

Oh, and I'm also in my first trimester and nearly lost it at canned clams. blerrg

lol

Gina

OMG, my mouth has been watering from the get-go! They look and sound really good, cuz y'know... they're BACON! BACON, I love you! Love you too, Amalah!

Trout Towers

My mom used to buy canned clams. Oh, hork.

12ontheinside

I just snorted so loud I woke my other half. At 12:30am. Which is hard to do!
I may now rethink the microwave book I kept in my cleanup last week - from memory it was margaret fulton's favourite microwave marvels or something like that. I'll either throw it out or start cooking from it, so my other half starts cooking my dinner...

momtrolfreak

your posts make me so happy LOL! I'm disappointed that the BACON POLES!!! were not really yummy, because I would so totally have tried them. After yurking over the canned clam dip YURK

Heidi T

Alright, this is really bad, but I want to try the curried pineapple piggies.

tasha

I wish you lived in my town...i'm pretty sure we would be great friends because you are freaking hilarous...like snort my coffee through my nose hilarious.

Julia

this is the first recipe I learned when I took a MICROWAVE COOKING class in 1982? we rolled them in parmesan cheese (the fake canned stuff) before nuking. they were a hit at every party I took them to. haven't made them in about 10 years (at least) -- I might have to fire up the microwave :)

Alias Mother

I can't even think about the bacon poles because I am stuck on the combo of canned clams and cheese. Which is wrong on so many levels, but primarily wrong for what it does to CLAMS and CHEESE.

I'd ask that you make that one next, but I'm scared of the health ramifications. I don't think I can ask you to take that risk just for my enjoyment.

Sprite's Keeper

I didn't know you could can a clam. Were they hired first?

(Oh, come on! It's Thursday! My comments lost their funny days ago.)

just beth

I love that your puppy even looks less than stoked. she's all, 'well, OK, I'll eat this, but don't think this is acceptable.'

heeheee. I don't own a microwave. Not on purpose, but because we're lazy.

xo

b.

Stacy

Wow....the poles seem like a mighty adventurous microwave cooking task to tackle! Thanks for sharing that!!

Joyce

Wow. I wish I could come to your parties. I'd totally eat those pineapple wieners and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

It does not surprise me that Paula has her own recipe for bacon poles. I love that her secret ingredient is always a shitload of butter. Maybe that's what the bacon poles need?

Y

OMFG BEEFLOGS FOR REALS.

I feel pretty awesome right now. A post about BACON POLES dedicated to me. It's almost too good to be true.

Almost.

Monkey

Oh course Paula has her own recipe for bacon poles.

I once asked my husband which Food Network person he'd want to cook his last meal for him and he said "Paula Deen. It would taste good and the resulting heart attack wouldn't be so bad if I already knew it was going to be my last meal"

donna

I've had these made with a club cracker rather than a breadstick and made in the oven. Heavenly. Pioneer Woman has a recipe for that on her site.

Natballs

barf!

Notesfromthegrove

Holy crap, dude. Bacon poles is like, my NEW favorite word(s)!

beyond

like donna (above), i immediately thought of the pioneer woman's recipe. that said, i LOVE this microwave series and hope you don't give up trying out recipes and posting about them.

Erin

So you would be a fan of bacon on a stick aka Big Fat Bacon served up annually at the Minnesota State Fair. Also, bacon baked with brown sugar until nicely caramelized is known as meat candy in our house. It's quite a treat.

Belle

An oven!? That's absurd Paula. Who actually uses those things? I thought they were for decoration.

Erica

I'm going to the SC state fair tomorrow and they have chocolate covered bacon - perhaps I will recommend chocolate covered bacon poles for next year! Also I can't believe Paula's recipe didn't involve dredging the bacon poles in butter before rolling them in cheese.

Erica

I'm going to the SC state fair tomorrow and they have chocolate covered bacon - perhaps I will recommend chocolate covered bacon poles for next year! Also I can't believe Paula's recipe didn't involve dredging the bacon poles in butter before rolling them in cheese.

Christina

Is it weird that I really really really wanted these to work out? And I am totally going to check out the Paula Dean version. Did you really say cheeeese sauce?

Amalah

COMPLETE RECIPE FOR SEASIDE DIP:

1 can minced or chopped clams

2 jars sharp Old English cheese spread, softened

1 pkg. cream cheese, softened

1 tbsn Worcestershire sauce

1/2 medium green pepper, chopped

2 green onions, chopped

Microwave. Consume. Self-loathe. Vomit. Repeat.

Amalah

(I love you guys, but I will not be making Seaside Dip. Ugggaaakkkk)

Amanda

All this talk about Bacon Poles and Meat Candy (but not canned clams) makes me look around to see if my husband has left for work yet.

All phallic symbols!

MommiePie

I did not check, but I bet Paula Deen recommends her bacon poles be dipped in butter. Because, you know, butter makes everything taste better! Maybe add a pound of butter to that Seaside Dip and see how it turns out?

Jane

You are brave, m'lady. But I am totally going to try Paula Dean's bacon breadsticks. I could cancel one out with 2 minutes of the 30-day Shred, right?

Angella

I have a recipe for bacon-wrapped water chestnuts drizzled in sweet & sour sauce. Yes, really.

Jamie

Dear Amy,
Let's be best friends. That is all.
Totally not a creepster,
Jamie

Corinne

You know what makes these DELICIOUS. Getting rid of the microwave and wrapping the breadsticks in prosciutto instead. Delicious salty bread without complete salt overload, mmmm

AmazingGreis

The concept of bacon poles sounds great, but the end product not so sure about that. Though, Paula Deen's bacon/breadstick picture did look amazing!

Gretchen

It takes a lot to make me NOT want bacon. This worked!

Brenda

bacon dregged in cinammon and then wrapped around a piece of pineapple and baked......then put a toothpick in them....YUM.YUM.YUM.

I do make clam chowder out of canned clams....I don't do the cutting up of fishy stuff. So, canned clams are good for some things. Not sure about the dip tho.

Heather Ann

Did no one else notice the KEY PARTY? That's where I really started to laugh!

Victoria

Fat! Hot! Ham!

Amy

I love the dedication you have to the microwave cookbook. It supplies me with many many laughs!

Sherri

OMG! Bacon wrapped chicken livers and water chestnuts are GOOD! My friend's mom used to make them. They sound AWFUL, but they're GOOD. I still make them, but I leave out the liver and put in shrimp.

The clam-cheese dip sounds like it's leave you with salmonella. Microwaved cream cheese? Really?

Nicole

Love it! Seeing as my daughter thinks bacon fat is it's own food group, she'd love this.

becks

I find it hard to believe those bacon poles are as gross as you claim... And I like my bacon crispy, so the "overdone" ones look pretty heavenly. Mmm, bacon... Maybe we'll have BLTs for dinner tonight...

Jessica (@It's my life...)

That's it. You have finished convincing me that the microwave should only be used to warm up chocolate chip cookies and heat up water for tea. And maybe nuke frozen veggies. Though, you know, salt on a stick... yum!

Alias Mother

RE: Seaside Dip recipe

What in the name of sam hill is Old English cheese spread?

Lauren

Yeah. I'm sorry to agree but they do kind of look like homemade dog treats... in the best possible way, of course!

Katie

Is it horrible that the "seaside dip" doesn't sound so bad, if you made it without the clams. Of course, you couldn't call it "seaside dip." But people might actually eat it.

Roberta

I am a totally warped bacon addict because now? Even after reading all of that, and seeing the poor little abused bacon/bread/Frankenbaconbreadstikcs? I totally want some BACON. Makes everything better.

College At Thirty

Whoa...bacon on a stick covered in cheese sauce? Aren't 8 of the 10 major food groups represented in that meal?

I can't wait to see what you try to make next. Your presentation in the glass is extra klassy! Not every pet owner goes through so much trouble for their doggies!

Lindsay

Dudes. This reminded me of a site a friend sent me about bacon. It will make you never want to eat it again.

http://www.speakeasy.org/~sjmaks/cereal/

check it out!

Saint Tigerlily

Wow. Ok, but these looked good, I mean...right? Tasty and bacon-like?

Also: Enjoyed seeing you over on Jezebel.com today, unless, of course, you didn't enjoy it, in which case I am very mad at them for reposting your When You Marry posts (brilliant) almost in their entirety...you need to tell me how I feel about this one I think. Happy? Sad? Offended? Flattered? All, of course, on your behalf.

Also, also: I once saw Paula Deen add butter to a salad. This is a true story.

And also as well: Did you see Paula Deen on D-List? I joke sometimes about the butter and the cheese etc, but she looks like a hoot.

eva

Didja try putting parmesan on yours like Paula did? I'm just saying. Might up not only the "need water" factor but also the "YUM" factor.

kaelak

Ew. Just Ew. Ew Ew Ew.

Brandi

Amy, my dear,I owe you a coke. And a hearty thank you. I have had the worst day, and your Bacon Poles have cheered me up immensely! Thank you so much for this wacky bacon experiment. Now go fix some bacon so it's good! You've earned it!

Marilyn

I've made these! In the late 80s my mom bought a microwave cookbook and I went a little crazy with it. I think I made most of the recipes in there. Bacon Poles were a hit (remember this was the 80s). I also made something similar to the sausage and pineapple pictured beside the Bacon Poles but my recipe was Sausage and Canned Peaches. Oh yeah.

Amira @ DefineMature.com

I'm with Natalls on this one: BARF!

But really, you can totally ignore me because I don't eat pork of any kind.

So.....I can't judge.

P.S. I have felt sorry for that souffle since the day microwaverable souffle was ever invented.

HMFT

Bacon poles. It's just so pervy.

Funny bacon stuff:

http://www.glumbert.com/media/gaffiganbacon

And I think I've sent this link to you before. But it gets funnier the more you watch it. Like Monty Python.

Kristin

OMG, I am totally loving these posts. The ummm, errrr food sounds horrific but the posts are funny as hell.

Merry120

I laughed until I cried. The end. :)

Jessica

Wow, it's pretty hard to make something with bacon that doesn't work. I blame the microwave.

Susan

Oh yes, prosciutto wrapped breadsticks are DIVINE. I serve them at every key - er, cocktail- party we host! I have to buy an extra package of prosciutto because I eat loads of it while painstakingly wrapping it barber pole style around grissini.

Thank you for your unwavering commitment to microwavery. Now make those pineapple piggies - those look YUM-O.

Bachelor Girl

"Bacon Poles"...that's just wrong on too many levels.

Amber

We made these in 7th grade home-ec. But instead of cutting them in half lengthwise, we cut all the fat off, which shrinks bacon down to nothing and tasteless. They were really horrible. I didn't eat bacon after that for years, until Farmer's Market Pork Guy convinced me to try some of his for free last year.
Thinking about them still makes me want to gag. Along with anything else we made in that class. Much if it was done in a microwave, all of it was fat-less. BLECH

Kendra

Wow, that recipe must have done something awful to the bacon. Because I have never--never!--had bacon that I thought was too salty. I would happily dip bacon in butter and then lightly salt it. And yet somehow, I believe you that this poor, sad recipe ruined it.

I am a huge fan of the microwave, often because I forget that, even if they're not going to eat them, I ought to put some veggies on the kids' plates. But this cookbook is a beathtaking combination of hilarious and evil.

ashley

Ceiba's face shows the shame of the previous night's Key party...

Heidi

WTF YOU HAVE A BACON BUTTON?

AmyC65

My friend, a caterer, makes these in the oven and rolls them in brown sugar first? And they are awesome!! A good mustard with brown sugar glaze would also be yum?

Beyond Alice

Okay, I AM pregnant and that just looks the most absolutely disgusting thing EVER.

But I strangely find myself wanting to say "Bacon Poles" repeatedly.

Liana

BACON POLES!!!!
I would totally have tried some.

This was a perfect post to help begin my weekend :)

heather

I really like scallops wrapped in bacon, cliche but tasty! and easy to make! i'm just not with the breadstick thing. but, it does make for funny reading, i love the microwaving episodes. I love to tell my friends about my mothers "Amanah Radar Range" remember those?

Elizabeth

OMG!!! When we got our first microwave it came with a cookbook, and the first thing my Mom made was Bacon Poles! Except she rolled them in parmesan cheese before microwaving. This post took me right back to 1980!!

Britney

It may be too late to catch you, Amy, but I was moving this weekend and found a Better Homes and Gardens microwave cookbook from the early 1980s. I will send it to you if you want, just let me know. Some of the recipes look disgusting even in the photos but would be fun to try!

JennyMooMeow

I'M FREAKING DYING HERE!!!!
Because at my last job, every time we had a pot-luck lunch, this one woman would bring these exact same bacon stick things and EVERYONE lauded her for her creativity and that they were SOOOO GOOD. Oh my stomach hurts now.

mrsmouthy

Damn, I'm sad this recipe didn't work. It's my husband's birthday week and I'm looking for a way out of making him a bacon-and-sausage log cabin.

BuenoBaby

So Ceiba does this puppy always look some what hysterical or is it just with the bacon?

Cyn

How IS Ceiba, by the way? Your posts about him are always faves in my household. :)

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