And This Was BEFORE They Handed Out the Vibrating Pens
November 19, 2009
I just got back from a parents' workshop thing at Noah's school. And it was a very useful workshop, really, about how to encourage fine and gross motor development through toys and play at home. I was especially pleased to learn that I can totally do all of Noah's Christmas shopping at the $5-and-under store, along with like, some bubble wrap. The problem started when one of the therapists demonstrated a toy hanging from a doorway, designed to turn a regular balloon into a sturdier punching bag. Another parent requested the brand name, which was Balzac.
"I guess they mean like, ballsack," she said, kindly providing us with a handy mnemonic device, while jiggling the thing idly in the palm of her hand. I choked on the inside of my lung, briefly, before clearing my throat and muttering apologies for startling the grown-ups.
Then we moved on to wheelbarrow walking. A very helpful handout was provided.
COME ON.
I mean, COME ON.
(I will have you know that I behaved BEAUTIFULLY, other than a discreet snort into the edge of my sleeve, AND two whole other mothers actually talked to me afterward, voluntarily and everything. It's working! I am totally blending in! I have them all fooled! Mwa ha ha.)
(Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go collect some textured items and hide them in a shoebox. And cut a hole...in the box...and...)
I can't believe you managed to snort discreetly when faced with that "instruction." I would have lost my damn mind in front of all the moms/authority-type-figures. God save me when my child starts school...
DUDE.
That is the best thing I have seen all day. You have a will of steel to have kept the snorting discreet! Love it.
Balzac! are you kidding me? How could no on else have laughed at either of those things. Why would you want to be friends with anyone who didn't find that humorous? I'm still laughing.
Hi. Loyal lurker here. (I know I'm an arsehole. Bygones.)
This - is almost hard to believe. Way too funny!!!!!
You are to be commended on your discreet snorting. I can't believe no one stood up and actually said "OH COME ON! SERIOUSLY? THIS PICTURE?"
dude. never in my LIFE have I seen someone walking/crawling on their knees behind the person that is the wheelbarrow. are the folks at Noah's school all from Heywoodjablomestan?
Why... why are there no pants??
Oh, that's great. Pretending to be a real grown-up gets harder when comments like that get brought up. The first ever business meeting I was a part of included someone saying, "We all touch clients in different ways."
And I had to bite my lip.
Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, that's friggin hysterical! Yeah, count me in the "Would Have Laughed Until My Face Turned Blue" category. You have stronger willpower than I do, that's for sure.
Ummm...yeah. I am reading at work and hoping no one is looking over my shoulder at that obscene drawing.
(hehe...love Kristen's comment...)
I bet the other parents would have ordinarily burst out laughing, too, but maybe they were just too stunned to really react. I could totally see myself sitting there, trying to process what she just said, and thinking "Did she JUST say that?!"
Haaaaaaaaaaa! My boss was guest lecturing in one of my classes the other day and said "take it from behind" twice and I almost peed.
I am very impressed with your non-snorting, distinctly adult behavior. I could not have done it.
They had time to draw the individual fingers but not putting any clothes on these cartoons? I would have snorted so loudly it would have disturbed people. Come to think of it, maybe that's why my kids never get invited to playdates.
Ah, discretion. But this was all PARENTS, right? Imported from the Victorian era, perhaps?
I bet they totally planned the whole thing just to see who would crack!
Um ... have to agree with Kristen McD, pants would have been nice. I'm sure this is a good school and all but ... wow.
HOW did you keep it together, Amy? I would have been a giggling mess.
Related: I'm 12.
There is absolutely no way I could have made eye contact with anybody without totally losing it. I am, in fact, a 14-year-old boy. Heck, "Balzac" is already cause for laughter around our house, the helpful mnemonic would have sent me over the edge.
I guess they really do sell everything at the Dollar Store, huh?
I"m so proud of you. There's no way I could have limited my comments to a simple snort. no. way.
Hilarious! I could just walk out and express my laughter without feeling ashamed
I, too, would like to know why the person kneeling does not appear to be wearing any clothes.
I think you should ask the teachers for clarification i.e. "Should we be wearing pants when we do this?"
Another question for the teacher...
"Should stimulation include the balzac and the wheelbarrow on the same day?"
Exactly WHAT kind of school is it you're sending him too? *snort*
Balzac is actually the name of a town just outside of Calgary, Alberta, Canada where I grew up (Calgary, not Balzac). The whole town used to consist of a grain elevator and a couple of houses, but just this year they built the biggest mall in Canada (or the Universe or whatever) and now they think they're famous because they got a Forever 21 store...something like that.
Anyways, I amuse my tween and teens by spontaneously shouting "BALZAC!!" when I'm chopping food in the kitchen or in the middle of them doing homework. Cracks them up every time.
I lost it, in that embarrassing, trying-to-hold-back-the-laughter elaborate snort that is worse than just laughing, when in our childbirth and newborn education class the instructor had us turn over our fake babies to insert thermometers rectally. I thought we would mime the action, but no. The dolls had tiny, plastic, fake baby assholes. And there was just the right amount of...resistance...when inserting the thermometer. I couldn't hold it in, my partner labeled me immature, everyone pretending they didn't hear my snort.
But whatever, he laughed during the postpartum depression video (because of it's totally inappropriate use of the star wipe).
Congratulations on the discreet snort! Because I can guarantee I wouldn't have been able to stifle my laughter at that hand out. OH MY GOD. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I would have had to bite my hand until it bled. Seriously. You deserve a medal.
Does anyone else really, REALLY want some Ben and Jerry's Karamel Sutra right now? (And I almost put BJ's Karamel Sutra, but I stopped myself, but have you noticed? Um...vibrating pen?)
hahahahahahahahahaha
I'm guessing that, with the shoebox, step 2 is to put your junk in that box. Heh.
I thought you held the other person's feet in a wheelbarrow! And who drew that? Cro-Magnons on a cave wall?
HAHAHAHAHA. I would have peed in my pants.
And like erica said, "Can you play with the balzac while performing the wheelbarrow?"
The worst is when you try to hold in the laughter for so long and then when you have to breathe, "Snnnnnnnnnnnoooort." And everyone turns and stares.
And now you're making him a Dick in the Box for Christmas?
PS) Send me a vibrating pen. My old man's about to go on a six month deployment.
glad to know I'm not the only one with the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy. I don't think I would have been able to hold it together.
whenever my husband and I laugh over a random use of the use of the word unit ("he said unit, heh, heh, heh"), we both wonder who allowed us to have children.
Oh I would have died. I once had to do the special intentions in church in grammar school and someone named Harry Bush was sick. I laughed out loud for a good minute after saying his name. Awkward.
Someone at work the other day gave me a thing to wet envelopes. It looks like deodorant, only the ball part is pink and textured. The woman who gave it to me said, "Look, it's like a tongue in a bottle!" I answered, "It must be the companion piece to Dick in a Box." She just stared at me. Blink. Blink. Come on, it was great line!
I would not have snorted discreetly into my elbow, I would have had a full on belly laugh! I impressed that you stayed so calm, but then again I still giggle when anyone says fart.
I would have been snorting too, and then I would have been trying to figure out who else had snorted so that I could make friends with them. Count me in with the Secretly 12 crowd.
Really? I don't understand how the whole room didn't drop on the floor in laughter!
And, also, I'll have you know a co-worker of mine passed by my computer just as I was scrolling to the picture. I am so embarassed. THANK YOU FOR THAT.
Why aren't they wearing any pants?? Hilarious. Seriously.
Just... um. Awesome.
LOL!!!!
HAHAHAHA. Just fell off my kitchen stool. Well, halfway.
You know what stinks? You're expected not to snort b/c you're a mom. But if it was a room full of dads, the instructor would have naturally paused to allow a 30-second guffaw break after announcing "Balzac."
Really? Not one teacher, administrator, et al, looked at these handouts and though, "Hmmm...maybe we should make it look less porny."
That is awesome! My eyes are all teary from laughing so hard. I'm so glad you have them fooled - soon you be invited to, like, Mom's Night Out or something!
i just have no words. none. i am seriously laughing my ass off.
This whole post---narrative, illustration, comments and all--made me insanely happy.
And I just read intentions at Mass for dear, departed Dick Johnson. My teenage son actually passed gas trying not to laugh out loud.
Let me put it this way. A colleague said something similar at work a couple of weeks ago, and I totally lost it!. I laughed till tears were streaming down my face, could barely stand & every time he looked at me & repeated the same damn word, I would collapse in fits of laughter. Again.
The post had me laughing, and then the comments are making me laugh so hard there are tears rolling down my cheeks. Good thing I have an office at the end of the hall...you are a hero for holding it together. I would have lost it for sure.
OH HOLY HELL NO! That's just damn funny. I mean... REALLY? R.E.A.L.L.Y??????????
I could NOT have contained myself. I'd have TOTALLY guffawed (love that word).
*SNORT - GUFFAWWW!*