Five Toys That Are Made of Magic
November 04, 2009
FULL DISCLOSURE: These are not paid product reviews. If they were, I probably would not get paid, because I'm not sure toy companies appreciate being compared to monstrous black magic hell demons. The links are Amazon Associates, meaning if you decide to buy a monstrous black magic hell demon today, you can click through and reward me with a shiny 1/8th of a penny, or you can open up Amazon in a different browser tab and navigate to the toys yourself, muttering "fuck you, Amalah" the whole time. I am totally fine with either.
1. Hasbro Playskool Busy Ball Popper
The Busy Ball Popper works thusly: you drop some balls into a chute, press down on a lever and and the balls pop up and out and back down the ramps as a merry little circus theme plays. And your kids. Go. Apeshit. They lose their ever-loving goddamned minds over this thing. Babies, toddlers, preschoolers. Even a jaded emo teenager would be powerless to resist squealing and clapping and jumping up and down because OMFG BALLS. Do you remember that scene in Knocked Up where Paul Rudd wishes he liked anything as much as his kids liked bubbles? I don't think there's anything in my adult life that has brought me as much crazed joy as the Ball Popper brings to my children, and I'm including the battery-operated stuff in the nightstand. The Ball Popper is a breakdancing TiVo, an iPhone that shits unicorns, the last faint beacon of hope between this generation and a smoldering pile of war and toxic air and financial ruin.
Cost: $27.99
2) Ocean Wonders Soothe & Glow Seahorse
Okay, so I know this thing doesn't really resemble a seahorse. I think it looks more like a Care Bear crossed with My Little Pony sperm, but NO MATTER. You press the beetle-like shell of a belly and it lights up and plays music, just like dozens of other toys that light up and play music, except that this one has apparently been bewitched with magical sleep powers. Yesterday I put a squalling, protesting baby in his crib while I went to retrieve some socks from a nearby laundry pile (shut it), and he kicked and cried and somehow sort of sat on the Spermhorse and the music played and he went into a dazed, silent, thumbsucking trance. Within 30 seconds, he was sound asleep. I honestly keep waiting for an indicator light to come on and tell me it's time to replace the vaporized opium packet located somewhere near the battery pack.
Cost: $14.99. Also available with an extra X chromosome.
Also bewitched with magical sleep powers of simulated ocean sounds, but be warned: It will eat through your soul at pretty much the same rate it eats through batteries. It will become the bulky, heavy bane of your existence as you feel compelled to drag it with you everywhere that your baby MIGHT POSSIBLY need to sleep, never once encountering a crib design that actually seems compatible with the straps on the back, leading to various precarious jury-rigged arrangements on Pack-n-Plays and relatives' nightstands, because your baby CANNOT SLEEP WITHOUT THE AQUARIUM. NO. NOT EVER. It will demand nightly sacrifices at 2 am of four fresh D batteries, and of course you have no choice but to placate the bubbling, lullaby-playing monster, because without it your baby might wake up at 2 am, or something.
Cost: $49.99
4) Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Learning Piggy Bank
You know a toy is educational when they manage to cram the word "LEARN" into the name twice. (Just wait until the Fisher-Price Busiest Busy Ball of Poppin' Pop Balls hits the market. It's gonna be awesome.) And yes, while both of my children were uniformly delighted by this toy, I must admit I am really including it because 1) its red curly tail looks EXACTLY like a baboon's ass, and 2) one of the song lyrics says "you can put coins in my slot and you can take them out."
Cost: $18.72.
In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of the cow jumping over the moon and there were three little bears sitting on chairs and one little boy on a big wheeled bike, and an elevator that flooded the hallway with blood and REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM...wait, what? My point is, kids really like this book. A lot.
Cost: $8.99, though don't be surprised to look around one day and realize that you own no less than seven copies of it, even though you don't actually recall buying it in the first place. You back away, a little unsettled. You trip over three or four copies of Guess How Much I Love You
That stupid ball popper is indeed magical. Once we learned to sleep through the music, we realized we could put our child on the floor with the ball popper and go back to bed for another hour. (Parents of the year!)
You can buy extra balls for super cheap, btw. Saves the kid from waking you from a delicious slumber when the few balls that came with it disappear under the bed.
My boyfriend's nieces have that glowing Seahorse thing and I can attest to its magical, hypnotic, sleep-inducing powers. It very nearly put me in a coma.
I bought my kid the Busy Ball Popper. Turned it on, it tipped over and shot three balls right into my sons face. It was magical alright because I made it dissappear from my house!
Thanks so much for this post! I am totally going to buy the busy ball-r-rama and the spermhorse for my 8 month old. Possibly the aquarium, although I am slightly intimadated and loathe to buy another battery-eater - but we're going to have retire the mobile soon in favor of a bedside sleep-inducing item. I was just thinking, while feeding the dogs and the babe's naptime music plays over the monitor, that I MUST get cracking with the Christmas shopping...
Great timing! I was wondering if the ball popper would be a good Christmas present for my 7 month old. Will be on my list!
I'm getting that ball popper stat! My sister read from Goodnight Moon at my mom's funeral - it's taken me 15 months to be able to read it to my kid without collapsing in a pool of wails. He sort of looked at me like 'really'?...and went back for the 'Sheep In A Jeep' book - which I would also recommend!
We have had ball popper love here for the last 3 years. I keep thinking soon... very soon i will be able to donate that thing, but alas... kids still love it.
We have all that was posted but the piggy bank! Goodnight moon is the best book eva! we put stars on my 14 month olds ceiling and when we get to the "goodnight stars good night air part" he looks up and points to the stars on his ceiling. So totally awesome
Don't tell him I told you this, but my almost-7-year-old first grade boy still has an earlier version of that aquarium on the nightstand beside his bed. Just last night I heard it warbling its tired battery little tune at about 3am.
Perfect. Can we request Christmas gift lists in the very near future? Please, please, please?!?!
Also, we have four of the five. No spermhorse. The ball popper is a love/hate kinda thing. It eats batteries like the aquarium and I can't figure out what's worse, when the ball popper runs low and refuses to pop the balls, or freaky sounds coming out of the aquarium at 3 am.
I am sitting here at my desk, trying not to Snort-Laugh too hard, because OMG. GOODNIGHT MOON IS CREEPY.
There, I said it.
For the piggy bank, it also sings about its little piggy face and snout. That's comic gold!
If you want #6, I suggest anything in the "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" series. My daughter LOVES all of those books, and I'm still not sure why. (I can't stand 'em)
@Andrea - your son sounds adorable! Now all you have to do is buy the bank...or wait for some random friend to buy it for you. Some awesome random friend.
Dude. We have the slotted pig, but it's the Spanish version so all I hear is "Soyyyyy chico taco enchilada" and I had no idea there were slot lyrics. I NEED THE ENGLISH VERSION.
I nannied for twins (!) in college and the only way to get them to both sit still at the same time was with that ball popper thing. It was magical. They fucking loved it.
I want to get my son the ball popper. I know he will love it forever and ever, amen. I wish I could have a magical seahorse to put him to sleep, even a battery sucking fish tank would be nice. But no, mine likes nipples. We are to the point where he wants to sleep with his hand in my shirt, touching a boob. There are a lot of middle of the night hand smacks, because it's just not OK.
We have a Fisher Price CD player that is reminiscent of the piggy bank; that CD player is the bomb. My two year old got it for a birthday present, and I swear he and his four year old brother AND the nine year old have turf wars over it.
I also have to put in a plug for this Handy Manny truck we got, the one that turns into a little fix it shop. Good Lord, my children never get tired of fighting over that. "You fixed..the fan." "Muy bien! You fixed...the clock." "Bien! You have been indoctrinated into the bilingual directive!"
I am tempted by the ball popper (that sounds dirtier than it should) but I have to give a shout out for the most magical book ever: Charlie Parker Played Bebop. If my kid is freaking out in the car, I just start saying the words from memory and viola! instant calm. LOVE IT.
We have the ball popper, the pig, and the ocean wonders aquarium. All were big hits, but ESPECIALLY the ball popper. Kids of ALL ages LOVE that thing!
When my oldest was a baby, I hid "Goodnight Moon" because I was so freaking tired of reading it all the time. Mother of the Year, no? Anyway, I apparently hid it so well that I cannot find it to this day. And that "baby"? He's almost 11.
Holy hell...last Christmas we put the ball popper together for our son and spent the remainder of the day pulling furniture out from the wall to corral balls.
The seahorse has made bedtime a breeze, and I freely admit to having a spare tucked in my nightstand in the event that "Glowy" has an accident and doesn't work.
I pretty much chose to have a baby just so I'd have an excuse to buy that ball popper toy. Don't tell my husband.
And the spermhorse actually sounds better than what we currently use - a giant purple ghetto blaster playing a mind numbing lullaby CD on repeat all night. I'm looking forward to the reaction of our hosts when we drag is to their house next weekend.
GOD, Goodnight Moon. I hate that book. Every time I read it I hear Christopher Walken's creepy-ass voice. Thanks for that, Simpsons!
Wait! Where do you buy the spare balls? NEED!!!!!!
What, no mention of the Goodnight Moon/Runaway Bunny crossover?
My daughter got the ball popper for her first birthday (I think) but it totally freaked her out until she was about 18 months. She loves it now (as do all of her cousins - ranging in age from 9 months to 12 years.)
No spermhorse or aquarium; she is a good sleeper and we sort of misplaced the piggybank. Goodnight Moon got real boring real fast - I think that we are holding steady at 2 copies. Yeah, the lyrics of the piggy bank were...different.
Totally second the 'Christmas Gift List' suggestion!
Oh god the ball popper! She loves! Keep a wire hanger handy to fish out all of the random toys that she puts in there that get stuck and then the balls don't come out and the air doesn't blow and it doesn't work and there is a major breakdown.
The ball popper! Oh how much I love the ball popper. This is somewhat awkward considering I don't have children and thus don't own a ball popper, BUT I get hyperactive when I get the chance to babysit a friend's kid that does indeed have one. Go to sleep, kid, it's my turn to play with the ball popper.
My daughter never got the slotted pig (Shout out to Toy Story), but practically assaulted the damn thing at her cousin's first birthday party. I'm guessing the next kid will get one. And ball poppers? We had to ban them when our terrier went psychotic upon seeing it perform. He actually thought the thing was his own personal ball thrower. He spent many nights sitting guard in our closet, hoping it would fall from the shelf we placed it on.
Great guide!
We bought that ball popper because my husband saw it at a friend's house and went apeshit over it.
Then we discovered that our house is most definitely not flat and mommy got sick and tired of going to the far corner of the dining room to gather up all the balls, so she left them there one day too many, and the cleaners threw them out (and the Netflicks DVDs) and the ball popper last all it's magical ball tossing mystique. No balls + ball popper = really loud thing that does absolutely nada.
So now it lives in the garage where it probably dreams of electric balls.
Our Goodnight Moon has mated with Pat the Bunny. It was messy.
My son has a Lullabye Glow Worm, which for us, has two advantages over the spermhorse: 1) it's nostalgic for us and 2) it's $5 cheaper. The only problem with it is that when Danny has his weekly babysitting/playdates with a little girl a year older than he, she tears it right out of his hands as soon as she sees it light up.
This? "You trip over three or four copies of Guess How Much I Love You. The lights grow dim. And then the bunnytaur is upon you. Goodnight. NOBODY." Is hysterical.
OH GOD, I can't stop laughing. That book always walks the line between sweet and creepy, depending on my mood. Though I do have good memories of reading it to my now-almost-9-year-old. When I would say "in the great green room there was a telephone" he would say, "hellooooooooo?" in his sweet little baby voice. *sniff*
Awesome toy review! I may have snorted a couple of times. We can also attest to the power of the spermhorse and for those not a fan of underwater type baby-sedators i can also attest that the jungle version works just as well.
And Goodnight Moon? THREE copies! I bought NONE! How does that happen?
I found your blog through that Marriage Textbook thing that went viral, but I just wanted to say thanks for Obamaiconning the Ball Popper! Love that! I'm totally getting that Ball Popper for Christmas. For my baby, I mean.
I got my nephew a busy ball popper and he really did lose his little mind over it. He LOVES that thing. He also loves cramming other vaguely ball-shaped toys in it, which can be a pain to remove so it works again, but whatever, he's having fun.
"the last faint beacon of hope between this generation and a smoldering pile of war and toxic air and financial ruin."
I read that as "bacon", and you know what? That also totally works.
All I could think of was this:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/2310/saturday-night-live-coin-slot
"Peace out, coin slot dryness!" HAAAAAA!
too funny, love it.
SLOT!
OMG! I think I may have to go change my pants! Too funny! and just right... I was just wondering what to get my tiny one for the holidays and some of these look perfect!
Get used to that damn aquarium. My son is almost 6 and we still use it at bedtime every night. A common threat if he's being naughty is that there will be no aquarium music at bedtime. I'm fairly sure that the product dev team was headed by some guy named Svengali.
The Ocean Wonder Aquarium is, indeed, made of magic, and totally worth paying full price for. But I recommend expectant parents first call everyone they know who had a baby in the last five years and ask if they have the magic Aquarium packed away "just in case". I got mine from my sister in law.
I busted out laughing at "Fisher Price Busiest Busy Ball of Poppin' Pop Balls"-ha!
I LOVE this blog! You always make me laugh and I agree with you on the ball popper and the books. Hil-arious!
I am convinced that G.M. has some hidden subliminal subtext...like a Pink Floyd album. And fuck that old lady...she can't tell me shit.
You forgot Made of Magic Toy #6...The box all the other shit came in.
Hifuckinglarious!
We have lullaby glowworm, too. Why is the button so hard to push, that the baby can't do it herself?
We don't have the aquarium, but she likes the jungle version of it.
Also, our "magic-baby-silencing" book to recite from memory? "Are You My Mother?"
It's amazing.
Both my kids were addicted to the FP Aquarium, for real. We would hear it in the middle of the night as they learned to turn it on and soothe themselves back to sleep.
We used 2 sets of rechargeable batteries and once we forgot to charge the other set and my husband had to drive 20 minutes to the all-night WalMart to get a replacement set. True story. Another time we had left the aquarium at my in-laws' house and I had to drive over there at bedtime to retrieve it. After that I ordered a backup one from Ebay.
I always give the aquarium as a baby shower gift and would suggest to anyone who is about to try CIO with their baby: GET THE AQUARIUM and teach them how to hit the button. It's a miracle!
We love the ball popper and the pig too. Err I mean . . . my son loves them . . . did I saw we? Oops. Also a big hit is the ball popping train.
I think you can buy replacement balls at hasbro.com under customer service. For some reason it doesn't list the ball popper specifically, only the airtivity one. I dwould assume the balls are the same - I know the train ones are the same and here is an order form for extra balls for that.
http://www.hasbro.com/customer-service/orderform.cfm?sku=09140
ROFL! Absolutely hilarious, and so true! Every single one of those things (minus the CareBear sperm) has occupied my son for longer than I thought possible.