And This Was BEFORE They Handed Out the Vibrating Pens
Things Nobody Tells You: Four-Year-Old Edition

Let's Sit Down & Throw Some Words at the Screen For Awhile

Oh hi, this is me, typing with no head. It blew off. Or up. I don't know. I don't remember. Your head is where you keep your memory. All I know is that one day I looked around and realized that I have an freaking buttload of deadlines and work obligations every day and two very high maintenance children who want love and attention and someone to keep the little one from drinking dish detergent or slamming his fingers in drawers or...or...oh HELL, he's got the adjustable-blade slicer from the kitchen. Again. Today. 

Head. BOOM! Just like that.

IMG_3904

Wut?

Hilariously, optimistically, I placed an ad for a part-time mother's helper-type person about three weeks ago. And I got a ton of interest and applications and promises of never-ending love and devotion to my children, at least for 10 hours a week, as it seems This Fucking Economy has left a bazillion previously-out-of-our-price-range, actual-real-professional nannies unemployed around here, so they're all promising stuff like cooking meals and housekeeping and taking my baby to the ART MUSEUM, or something. Teaching him German. Handicrafts. I'm like: Or you could just keep his hands out of the toilets, more or less. I'm fine with that too.

And yet I have not actually contacted anyone to move forward with the whole screening/interviewing/hiring process, because I am trapped in an endless vicious cycle of deadlines, work obligations, two very high maintenance children, a blog audience that starts looking at me bug-eyed and impatient if I go more than three days without updating because UR BLOG SUX NAO. So I've determined that what I ACTUALLY need is to hire someone to hire the babysitter for me. Are you interested? I will pay you in harried weeping. 

IMG_3894 

Moooommm, I set the living room on fire again. Just FYIIIIII.

ANYWAY. Sorry. That was a boring and whiny-sounding story. I'm not doing too well as a Headless Neckstump, I guess. Oh, hey! Squirrel! And! We went to Pennsylvania this weekend for my dad's birthday party. His 80th birthday party. If you've read along for any stretch of time, at least long enough to know that my dad has nearly died like, oh, four dozen separate times, over half of which occurred this year alone, I hope you will join me in an appreciative FUCK YEAH to that.

<here is where I would insert a totally kick-ass photo of my dad holding my boys, or maybe one of the two of us, or maybe one of just him, looking healthy and vibrant, laughing at his party, surrounded by his friends, looking more like himself than he has in over a year>

<here are some crickets instead, because I did not take a single actual photo all weekend, except for that last one I just described, but that actually only exists in my head, from memory>

<and I've already discussed The Thing With My Head, Which Is Gone>

<crickets>

The weirdest part of the weekend was at one point realizing that I was absolutely surrounded by my parents' friends -- all people I've met before, but whom I ONLY know in the context of hospital waiting rooms. They're the ones who show up to visit with my mom while we pace the hallways, stare at the vending machines, grimace over cafeteria coffee. They come in, make jokes, cheerfully compliment to view from my dad's window, even if it's mostly of the hospital parking lot. They offer rides and food for my mom, and for me, big warm hugs that I accept in a stiffened panic. One friend showed me photos of a three-month-old Ezra he still had on his camera phone, snapped last January in yet another hospital room, right before my dad's heart surgery. My parents' next-door neighbor was there, a woman I've probably spoken a dozen words with, even though I know she's the rock who keeps my parents' grass mowed, plants watered and mail collected whenever crisis hits.

I chatted politely with them all, flushing whenever another nice older lady or man told me how gorgeous the boys were, and how lovely I looked. I wondered if I really did look different to them from the usual drawn, worried hospital version who had driven in after midnight the night before. One woman looked across the room at my dad and burst into tears, overwhelmed by exactly what we were all thinking. I can't believe he's still here. I'm so glad he's still here.

I didn't know what else to do, so I hugged her and thanked her. For what? She asked.

Oh, goodness. Where to even start?

Comments

Jenn

I've got nothing to say, just FUCK YEAH. WOOOOOO.

mswas

I post this all the time, but


you are such a good writer! *sniff*

Oh and FUCK YEAH HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADALAH!

Brenda

Are you saying there's an analogy between your high-energy boys and your high-energy blog readers? Maybe you could just hire the nanny to keep US entertained.

Nahhhhh....

Mrs. D

It sounds like an incredible weekend. Your parents must be wonderful people, to have so many people who care so deeply about them. How nice that you've had a chance to see that.

So sorry to hear that life is throwing you so much at once! Once you hire the person to hire the nanny, things should get more manageable. Hang in there.

Jamie

Get.Your.Shit.Together.

We need you!

Marianne

You have this amazing knack to start out absolutely random and hilarious and to end your posts so sweet.

I'm so glad to hear your dad is doing well... and that you are - aside from that head thing - doing well too. And seriously? Your boys are beautiful. For really.

Tonya

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jamie

hah- Dadalah. mswas you make me laugh!

Sweetney

We are living parallel, yet similar existences right now, you know. You, person I own a business with... oh hai! snort.

Tapas and drinking. What are you doing tomorrow?

Anna

Have Jason screen the babysitter interview candidates.

Aunt Becky

Dude. NOT COOL TO MAKE ME CRY.

Sprite's Keeper

Gotta add my FUCK YEAH to the chorus!

Margo

I'm so thrilled he is still here Amy, I've been following for like 5 years. Awesome news. Good luck growing back the head. I find chocolate and wine help.

rkmama

FUCK YEAH.
My head blew off last week. I missed it at first, but you get used to life without it- brains are over-rated.

Jen

FUCK YEAH!!! :oD

Woot!

CJ

My head blew up once and it was nice because it matched my messy house. I like it when things coordinate.

Maybe this is completely not an option, but could you take a break from your blog for a week or two? (sorry, don't hurt me!)

Bachelor Girl

If I lived anywhere near the D.C. area, I would be bringing you brownies, perfume, lipsticks and handmade greeting cards as part of my Let the Bachelor Girl Babysit the Boys Campaign.

I mean, I'm not exactly Mary Poppins or anything, but I can totally keep the kids alive for a few hours.

Becky

I so understand how you feel with this year. My son was born in January and since then my mom was in the hospital for 4 months, my grandmother was in the hospital for 4 months and now my grandfather is in the hospital for how long I don't know. My son is the one thing that has held everyone together. Watching him grow and smile everyday. Hang in there and ignore us blog readers when need be...but not for to long!

caleal

FUCK YEAH AMY'S DAD!

I'm sure once you suck it up and hire the babysitter/mother's helper/whatever, it will all be wonderful. That's the beauty of the bad economy right now... people doing the hiring have the pick of the litter, so to speak.

Laura

Again with teh crying!!! Drat you!!11!!!1!

FUCK YEAH Dadalah!!

Amber McN

FUCK YEAH!
and Ezra has PANTS on!
and now you don't have to worry about your hair.
All around awesomeness.

Sarah

Just for the record, UR BLOG DZNT SUK.
Fuck, yeah.

Parsing Nonsense

So glad your Dad gets to celebrate his 80th birthday. What an amazing testament to his life that he has so many loving and dedicated people to spent it with!

Heide

So glad you got to celebrate your Dad's 80th. And ... is that Ezra WALKING? When did that happen?

Karen Chatters

FUCK YEAH!! Happy Birthday Amy's dad!

Loren

FUCK YEAH!!! Happy happy birthday to your dad!! Sounds like it was a wonderful celebration!

MommiePie

Happy Birthday Dadalah!

And, you could totally just post pictures for a few days while you get everything else straightened out. We won't mind!!

Because shit piles up fast and starts to stink. You need to handle it.

Lauren

Yay for your dad's 80th birthday! That is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. So happy for you and your family. :)

Heather

Happy birthday to your dad! That's wonderful that he has such a strong support system of friends as well as the daughter who loves him so very much!

Fairly Odd Mother

Wait, you haven't gotten a nanny application that says, "Hey, I read your blog, totally get what you need and will be awesome to your kids." That would narrow things down, don't ya think?

And awesome about 80-year-old dad!

just beth

fuck yeah, honey. fuck yeah.

Cara

Booyah!

Sheila

I live in Northern Virginia...I will cross the bridge and watch the boys for you!
Happy Birthday to you Dad and I second the "just post pictures" suggestion.

mrsmouthy

I don't think I'd be good at hiring someone to hire your nanny, but I'd be awesome at hiring someone to hire someone to hire your nanny. E-mail me.

Liana

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!
Happy 80th birthday to The Dadalah!

Also, seriously, dearest, hire a nanny. Take as much time as you need to do it. We'll survive! :) {{{HUGS!}}}

Nancy

There are so, so many kind people out there, and I'm so glad you get to see them outside the hospital walls.

Pinkie Bling

like "Team America": AAA-MY'S DAD! FUCK YEAH!!

April

Jeez. I went into that thinking it was just going to be cute Ezra pictures, and now I'm crying. Nicely done, Amy. :)

p.s. FUCK YEAH HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Jen L.

I luv ur blawg.

FUCK YEAH, Dad! That's awesome.

Broad

He's survived all that AND made it to 80!?? Fuck YEAH is RIGHT! Good on him and y'all!

Britt

Fuck yeah, indeed.

And, also, FYI and such, I was looking at several of your gazillion other writing projects this week and thinking How The Fuck does she get this all done and I can't even get the shower pencilled in some days. So -- Fuck Yeah to you. Or something like that.

Alison C

Happy Birthday, Amy's Dad! You are rocking the 80!! xxx

L

Congrats to your dad! And?
Dude. TAKE. YOUR. TIME. We'll wait... *taps foot*...

Well, while I'm waiting, may I nom nom nom Ezra's nose? Because OMFGcutenose.

Marie

Dang, I love reading your stuff, lady. I want to be in your bebe playgroup and everything. I wept reading this blog. FY to your pops, too! Life is so good.

michele

so happy to hear about your Dad -such a nice Thanksgiving post - you do indeed have so much to be thankful for! Thank you for reminding the rest of us of our blessings big & small as well!

andrea

I like you, I really do, but you make it so difficult to feel sorry for you. Hire a damn nanny already!

Swistle

My two favorite parts were just keep his hands out of the toilet more or less, and just set fire to the living room fyiiiiiiii.

Bill McNutt

Congratulations to your Dad on reaching his 80th birthday successfully. I'm currently custodian of my father's affairs as he is currently in very ill health. After the stroke, cancer surgery, and broken hip, plus the weight loss, he's got some challenges.

Bill

Susan

SO, yesterday, Snackbox zoomed away from me while I was trying to get ready for work, and I found him in my husband's bathroom, splashing in the toilet THAT HAD NOT BEEN FLUSHED. Gross. Ew. Yuck. Fortunately it was just, um, wet, but STILL. I will be buying toilet locks this afternoon and teaching DH how to use them...

FUCK YEAH, Dadalah! Grandparents are the best thing ever for small fry.

Good luck with hiring a nanny - we have one two days a week and I swear I can see her halo glowing (try to find one who will tidy up the house, too - that is a GODSEND for me). If we lived closer than three time zones I'd totally share her with you - the boys would have a great time setting things on fire and drinking dish detergent.

Rene

*delurking*. I am soooo glad your dad is doing well. Mine had the same surgery last year on Dec. 23. He went through the same things as your dad but we lost him on Feb. 20. I'm just so angry that he had to go through all that shit, for nothing. I was reading your blog with hope for you and your family and am so happy for you all. Our Christmas, however, will be less bright. Best wishes and holiday cheer! A reader from Canada.

erin

First of all, yay for dads!

Second, this is totally weird, but I actually had a dream last night that I was "auditioning" to be your babysitter. I am, of course, not an actual option, as I live in Georgia and have a full-time job, but I did babysit a LOT in college and that's when I started reading your blog so not completely insane I guess. Except for the fact that I don't know you at all and it was very clearly your family in my dream.

Your boys were even more handsome in person.

stacy

Hi Amy, I love reading your blog because I am a SAHM to an 8 month old and yes, I do check it every day and am sad when there is no new post but...now I just feel bad!!! Sakes alive, just take your time updating if you feel overwhelmed! I would hire you a nanny/mommy's helper, having been one myself for 10 years, but there's a whole issue with me living in europe and all. so. that won't really work. But I do hope you get a hand soon, not for me, but for you! :-) (PS: whoohoo Amy's Dad!)

CS

I've been rooting for your dad: mine had an unexpected triple bypass recently. Only rooting more upon learning his age (my mom is 83). I couldn't be happier for you and them that they have such wonderful, supportive friends looking out for them. I'm positive you showed them how much that means to you. . . just by the look on your face. When you write about your family, you reach me most of all.

lydia

Jeez, lady. Take a day off! (from your blog, that is). I'll keep checking back! I agree that it is a dreadful irony that by the time a mother finally admits she needs a helper, she's way too busy to hire one! Anyway, you made me cry, that was a lovely post. Smooches.

tracy

aaaaaand i just burst into tears myself...happy thanksgiving and happy belated birthday to your dad (I'm a little behind on my reading)

Halala Mama

I know how you feel about, "would someone please keep this kid out of ___________" I found my 1 yo in the pantry, chewing on an adult cold tablet this week. We don't even KEEP medicine in there. Poison control sent us to the ER. It was pretty much from hell. I get that you need help. Totally.

tbooty

Fuck yeah! So glad to hear your dad is doing well!

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