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November 2009
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January 2010

Watch Out, Tiny Town

Th *** No, seriously. That was my attempt at an entry yesterday. I sat down with the best of intentions and at least seven different topics rattling around in between and I did that dramatic arm-stretch-finger-wiggling thing and typed two whole letters. The? That? They? I don't even remember. Despite officially taking his first tentative steps a couple months ago, Ezra -- driven by the urge to either keep up with Noah or avoid getting trampled by him -- still mostly crawled everywhere. Until, like, Monday. Now he really and truly walks, FrankenThriller-style, all over the place, shrieking gleefully at... Read more →


Thrilling! Christmas Recap! But Only Kinda!

THINGS I DID: 1. Dyed my hair red. 2. Like, seriously red. 3. Like Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog red. Like mentally ill ginger with eyes like a bush baby red. Like I have been clearly watching too many geek-friendly musicals red. DONT STOP BELIEEEEVIN. 4. Cursed out a jolly plastic toy rocking horse using a slightly different interpretation of the words "insert" and "slot A" and "slot B." Drank way heavily. 5. Confronted childhood fears. Drank way heavily. (Trust, you'll be reading MUCH MORE ABOUT THIS LATER OH YES.) 6. Instilled all-new childhood fears in the next generation by letting... Read more →


Pimp My Track

BACK THE FUCK UP. IS THAT THE ISLE OF SODOR ALL OF A SUDDEN? IS THAT A RAMP? AM I TOTALLY MESSING WITH YOU RIGHT NOW? FUCK, IT'S A RAMP, MOTHERFUCKERS. WITH DUPLO BLOCK COLUMNS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THESE DUPLO BLOCK COLUMNS? IS THAT GENUINE FAUX COBBLESTONE DETAILING ON THOSE DUPLO BLOCK COLUMNS? SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING TRUCKS. THEY'RE ALL, WHO LIVES HERE? THE POPE? WE'VE GOT COWS. WE'VE GOT MILK THAT IS DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGER THAN OUR COWS. ALL THIS, AND WE'RE ON A BOAT, MOTHERFUCKERS. HOLY SHIT, IT'S A BRIDGE. AND LIKE THREE OR FOUR OTHER... Read more →


Life at the Overlook Hotel

Obligatory Kids Out Cavorting In The STORM OF THE CENTURY Photos When you're only three feet tall, two feet of snow is downright magical. Once you're over five feet tall, it's mostly a pain in your chapped-up ass. Especially if you are like me, and thus woefully unprepared for this sort of nonsense. This was my plan to protect my Ugg boots. I think the bags may actually be an improvement, aesthetically speaking. We mashed Ezra into a size 6-12 month hand-me-down snowsuit and dropped him into the nearest snowbank... ...failing to notice that he managed to lose his mittens... Read more →


Shutterfly Contest Winner

(A real entry is coming later -- thanks to school closings, I'm busy playing Wii with my cleaning lady's children and feeling like the Biggest Spoiled Bourgie Asshole ever. Also, they are kicking my ass at bowling. What the HELL.) Just wanted to pop in and announce the winner of that Shutterfly thingie. Out of 211 photo books, two were mine (I was so pleased with the first one that I ordered another, bigger, fancier, paid-with-my-own-actual-cash-money one as a gift for a few people), so I used a random number generator to pick our winner: Counting up from the first... Read more →


Teh Update, Okay, Fine

POINT THE FIRST: For everyone who doubts in the existence of false positives, please go and Google "Target Up and Up Brand Pregnancy Test False Positives." Please note the dozens and dozens of testimonials describing exactly what I saw on my test: a faint but definitely-there line almost immediately (it darkened a lot by the time I took the photo, but did appear in the initial three-minute testing window), confusion and a string of negative test results afterward. Basically, if you're every in the mood for the mental and emotional ass-fuck of a false positive on a peestick, Target is... Read more →


Much Like the White House Party Crashers, This Is All Reality Television's Fault

Yesterday, 2 pm, after a combination of 1) mild yet persistent stomach issues, 2) boob weirdness, 3) overwhelming craving for an entire can of black olives in spite of said stomach issues, 4) the realization that condoms DO INDEED have an expiration date, hellooooo May of 2008, and 5) entirely way too many episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, better known in our house as The Oops You Had a Baby In Your Pants Show: Better known as Exhibit Wait What Squint Squint No Way Squint Oh Shit Yesterday, 5 pm, after my plan to wait until morning... Read more →


The Loop

The Hardest Part, at least from a day-to-day basis, the rigid, inflexible thinking. Things that must be done the way they've been done before. No variation, no deviation, from morning (and the order that breakfast items get set on the table) to night (pants come off first but socks come off last and books must be read while sitting on the right side of the bed RIGHT SIDE RIGHT SIDE!). Routines become rituals and the rituals are a religion. It's all CONNECTED, of course, we're told. I fret about OCD but am assured that no, it's SPD. Dyspraxia is a... Read more →


Topics in search of cohesion

Well. The inevitable happened. My microwave totally found out about my blog. How you gonna mock me and my ancestors NOW, bitch? Go ahead. Nuke some popcorn without your fancy modern turntable and lemme know how it goes. *** Speaking of the Inanimate Object Uprising of 2009, I've had a vicious, three-inch-long black-and-blue mark on my left thigh on and off for years now, ever since we moved into this house. And I have absolutely no idea what piece of furniture is the culprit. I've tried to line it up with all of the obvious pointy corners, then gone through... Read more →