Much Like the White House Party Crashers, This Is All Reality Television's Fault
December 17, 2009
Yesterday, 2 pm, after a combination of 1) mild yet persistent stomach issues, 2) boob weirdness, 3) overwhelming craving for an entire can of black olives in spite of said stomach issues, 4) the realization that condoms DO INDEED have an expiration date, hellooooo May of 2008, and 5) entirely way too many episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, better known in our house as The Oops You Had a Baby In Your Pants Show:
Better known as Exhibit Wait What Squint Squint No Way Squint Oh Shit
Yesterday, 5 pm, after my plan to wait until morning to retest failed miserably in the face of Googling for pictures of other people's store-brand peesticks with very faint second lines but not like, a real second line and I totally didn't actually think I was pregnant, I was just checking, because taking unnecessary pregnancy tests is kind of a hobby of mine:
Better known as Exhibit That's More Like It
Today, 7:30 am, after a restless still-unconvinced night of boob-poking, attempts to imagine life with THREE OF THEM, followed by fits of maniacal laughter:
My fellow peestick aficionados: Total false positive/defective test, yes? Proof that Discovery Health is a front for pregnancy test manufacturers to ensure that you always, ALWAYS opt for the three-pack over the single test? I can believe those two negative tests, yes? Is okay to go soothe my stressed-out nerves with wine? Should I still cancel that combination amusement park/camping/cross-country tour of public restrooms vacation we had planned in about eight months or so?
For those of you who have no idea but would simply like to tell me what I want to hear: Yes. Total false positive/defective fluke of a test. We've decided to hold off on any talk of a third baby for awhile, because it turns out that babies turn into children. (I know! The FTC should look into this.) Anyway, I thought we were being quite responsible but apparently my husband thinks condoms are everlasting like Twinkies or something. And seriously, this one woman on that show had a baby in an amusement park restroom and it fell on the floor and was just lying there and about 10 people opened the stall when they heard her screaming and were like, "WAIT HERE. I'LL GET HELP." Like she was going to wander off and get on the goddamn Tilt-a-Whirl or something, and I sat there screaming at the TV for someone to GET THE BABY OFF THE BATHROOM FLOOR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD and so that's why I had to take a pregnancy test. I had to. You wanna read a lame blog post about peesticks or you wanna walk into a bathroom stall and have to pick my baby up off the floor next summer? HUH? YOU WANNA?