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Teh Update, Okay, Fine

POINT THE FIRST: For everyone who doubts in the existence of false positives, please go and Google "Target Up and Up Brand Pregnancy Test False Positives." Please note the dozens and dozens of testimonials describing exactly what I saw on my test: a faint but definitely-there line almost immediately (it darkened a lot by the time I took the photo, but did appear in the initial three-minute testing window), confusion and a string of negative test results afterward. Basically, if you're every in the mood for the mental and emotional ass-fuck of a false positive on a peestick, Target is the brand for you. Otherwise, DON'T BUY TARGET UP & UP BRAND PREGNANCY TESTS. THEY ARE TEH CRAP. I PEE ON THEM.

POINT THE SECOND: For everyone who was convinced they saw a second line in the third test, which, I dunno, trick of the camera or something because I assure you there is NO LINE in the actual physical test, please check out this inverted version of the photo courtesy of Ryles. Absolutely, definitively no line.

POINT THE THIRD: Sorry, everybody.

IMG_4176

(I bought like, six dozen different tests because OF COURSE I DID. I will alert you if the tide turns at any point, but at this point three definitive NO tests are trumping one suspicious possible YES. I get that this isn't as super exciting as a SURPRIZE BEBEH, but it's really for the best, for now. I AM TIRED, YOU GUYS.)

Comments

Isabel

Phew.

Fawn Amber

But dude...are you even late?

lisa

I have been waiting for the answer all morning, I even went back and re-read all the comments. I think I am a little disappointed.

Tamara

Darn. The hubs has vetoed a third kid and I was planning to live vicariously through you.

Ryles

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE... AMALAH LIKE REALLY JUST SAID MY NAME IN HER POST... HOLY COW I CAN'T BREATH.. THIS IS JUST LIKE THE TIME I WAS STANDING IN LINE INFRONT OF DOOCE FOR 3 HOURS!!!

okay.. I'm done. Sorry you waisted your money. I think everything that left a comment that they could see a line on all the others owes you a dollar! :)

thebonmama

Big Phew.

I think I need to go POAS now, and I'm not even late. Hell, I haven't even had sex in 2 weeks. I'd just feel better if I knew for SURE the answer was no, though!

Thanks, Power of Suggestion!

Maria

I'm sure you've been through the wringer in all this... suckage. But at least you know (after all of us pestering you probably ALL DAY LONG) how much you and your children are loved by all of us and we want you to have more, MORE MORE CHILDREN!!! Cos yours are cute.

cagey

Am living vicariously through your drama. Hope you are down with that.

Glad it all worked out for you!

Brandi

thanks for the update and for the heads up on target brand pee sticks.

as i waited for the update and re-read comments this came to mind:

"if the water turns blue a baby for you. if purple yee see, no baby thar be."

"what color is it?"

"pink. if the test yee should fail, to a doctor set sail."

i hope the target tests at least came with a free corn cob pipe!

C @ Kid Things

I take back my congratulations and instead offer a WHOO-HOO! But um, 3 is FUN. Ha! hahaha! ugh.

Amy in StL

Wow, I've never taken a pregnancy test but I've always wondered what was up with the ones with words instead of lines. I totally get it now; there's no vagueness in them there words.

Badger

Wine ahoy!!

Heather

I was so excited about the future pg posts! So disappointed. Oh well, hopefully in the (near) future!

PS I have used Target Up and Up brand recently and they worked great for me...but, good to know for future use!

Alias Mother

But don't you feel better now? Isn't that worth it?

(Sorry, I only pushed because I did have the SURPRIZE baby experience. Am expecting SUPRIZE baby in 7 weeks. So, you know, it's on my mind a wee bit.)

hp

Great sigh of relief for you...and for me. 'Cause everyone around me is having kids (and I'm not) and it wouldn't be fair if the internetz is having kids too. I would have to cry in my oatmeal in the morning.

chatty cricket

Dude. If you are at all feeling like this was THE WRINGER GAH LESS DRAMA PLEASE? I have been there.

Maxine Dangerous

Teh Intarwebs will get their third bebeh when it's time. ;)

Amber McN

Gah. What a mind fuck. I have to admit I was 'cited!

chatty cricket

and also, RYLES, that picture is FahREAKY. How did you do that?

Annabelle

Whew for you.
Although now I'm feeling less-than-confident in my choice of Up & Up pregnancy tests to keep around 'just in case'. You know, because I'm infertile, but you never know. I mean, thank goodness we're using condo...oh, shoot. Time to go check the expiration date on the condoms.

Cecily T

Phew. I'm relieved for you. I'm only just finished w/ the first trimester of baby #2, which is like gestating a tiny energy-sucking vampire. I will, cannot do three. This is my last one.

Daisy

Say it with me now, the collective:

Awwww!

Interpret as you will. But if you are tired & not ready for a third then you are tired and not ready for a third. Which means that you know, the rest of TEH INTERNET can be a little sad for you while you breathe a sigh of relief. If for no other reason that your BEHBIES HAVE TEH CHEEKS. The cheeks we all want to reach out & pinch.

Now go drink a glass of wine or three.

Jessica

Oh gosh, I'll keep Target Up and Up brand in mind if I have to take a test. I somehow missed a pill this week and since I'm still nursing I have no idea when my cycle will return and this is exactly what I'm afraid of at the moment!

Monkey

Whew. Glad that it worked out the way that seems best for your family right now.

Kim

You make me the laugh.

Angela

That false positive I mentioned yesterday...Target brand! I hadn't thought to look for problems with a particular brand before - silly me.

Andrea

Not sure if I'm the only one, but I'm sick of pregnant! Wanting wanting wanting to be pregnant for the first time--turmoil--wish granted, adorable son born and growing nicely. Wanting wanting wanting to be pregnant for second time--anxiety--goal achieved! Second gorgeous son born. I adore you, but don't think you need sporadic scares to keep us interested--some of us thought you were funny and interesting BEFORE you were afraid of being slash hoping you were pregnant all the time.

Austin

Not gonna lie, I was totally hoping you were pregnant. But since I should probably take into account your and Jason's wishes, then I am glad for you :)

Parsing Nonsense

Whoa, that's a bit of a relief! You make adorable babies, but it sounds like another baby wasn't quite in the plans!

Andrea (@shutterbitch)

Between seeing a 6 wk old and your post all in one day yesterday, I was ready to live through you for the 3rd. I'd have my own, but I can't afford the daycare. We only just got out of having 2 kids in daycare w/ my oldest starting Kindergarten.

Sigh. I'm glad you got to the bottom of it. Hopefully if a 3rd one is in your future, it's at the right time for you and your family.

Sprite's Keeper

Um, actually, I find these scares pretty humorous since I'm going through them myself. Keep em coming, Amy! No flounce here!

Ryles

@chattycricket:

Inverting pregnancy tests is the BEST way to see if there really is a line. uhhh..not so hard to do. Open any photo editing software, invert the colors then bump up the color of the control line.

And voila! :)

Ris

Wow. This has been quite an emotional rollercoaster

Genevieve

I am sad.

I think you should get knocked up.

Amy

Any dramatic question that ends with being able to drink more wine is a good ending!

Heather Ben

break out then wine then!

chatty cricket

RYLES= GENIUS! No more leasing myself out as a vague line interpreter! Oh wait....

Devon

Maaaaan. I'm dissapointed. Yes, it's your life, and has nothing to do with me, but boy I love your babies.

Also? When would you have had time to POST? Right.

andi

dude: blood test.

Catherine S

Arggg, stupid up and up tests. Glad you are happy with your gestational status:) Sorry about the total mind fuck.

Beth

Well blame the computer monitor shininess/glare. Color changes from computer to computer. BUT! I'm glad you're happy and not pregnant! You don't really need the extra stress :) *hugs*

*m*

Babies are great and all, but .... phew!

Kim

Sorry Amy. I think I am the one who started the whole "I see some blue line on the third photo" fiasco yesterday. LOL. Merry Christmas to you and your lovely family. I will avoid diagnosing pregnancies from now on. LOL.

Sue

Way to investigate and get to the bottom of things, Amalah style! You are bold and kind to share your drama with us. Clearly, many of us were totally up for a little extra baby-making drama. Cheers!

MommiePie

Whew! Well, bottoms up...and get Jason some new condoms for Christmas - Stocking Stuffer!

Stephanie

Oh. If you had said it was up and up brand in the original post, I could have helped you save some money. Those things are horrible. I've had no fewer than 3 definite, blue lines appearing within 3 minutes that were absolutely not positive. I will never buy them again. They end up costing more because of having to buy a decent brand to re-test.

Glad you are happy about the result!

Dawn

Heh - that's the brand of peestick I bought when my period was MIA, because I was NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH LINES at that point in time.

Laura

Amy, I should have commented yesterday to soothe your nerves about the last two up-and-up tests...same thing happened to me! I actually thought to myself, "Maybe the instructions are mislabeled and a positive test is really a + sign in the window, rather than a line." Because that phantom blue cross freaked the hell out of me. Seriously. I usually love Target store brand everything but I'm pretty sure my sanity is worth the extra $5.

I'm sorry for your lack of pregnancy...I guess? Maybe?

Sarah Ross

Totally having my own surprise baby 21 months after the first...but I had the opposite, many, many, MANY false negatives (tests from the dollar store - oops) with wine in between, before the final positive.

Lori

My fiance is the oldest of NINE. I often catch myself staring at his mother, completely baffled as to how she survived. She still likes her kids, too. I would be in a padded room somewhere.

Anyway, glad it all worked out the way you'd hoped! :)

Natballs

i was kinda hoping you'd be preggers because she make cute babies

Natballs

YOU MAKE******* cute babies. whoops.

kelly

Wine away !!!

Liz

POINT THE FIRST: Dammit. Another Noah/Ezra look-alike would have been the very best EVAR, especially if it was a girl Noah/Ezra look-alike.

POINT THE SECOND: Thank Jesus. A Noah/Ezra look-alike would have had my ovaries spewing eggs and then there most definitely would have been a SURPRIZE BEBEH.

jodifur

Wait, so you are not pregnant?

(For the record, I never thought you were.)

Melissa

Wait! I know you were looking for clarity, so the EPT digital was the right way to go. But can I just say? I find that whole NOT PREGNANT!!!! in bold digital letters to be slightly hostile. You know, in a "what were you thinking dumbass? How could you possibly be pregnant?" sort of way.

Danielle

Pleased to be one of the happy few standing by her congrats on not being pregnant! from yesterday. Enjoy what rest you're able to get all the more because of how much less rest there would be if there were three of them!

stacy

I'm sticking with my conspiracy theory. Clearly Target and First Response and Clearblue Easy and the rest of them are just fucking with us!!! When they started selling a 3 pack I got suspicious. If they up it to, like, a 15 pack, then I really think we need to get Michael Moore or someone up in there asking some hard questions...

hope you enjoy your wine amy!

mrsmouthy

You're tired now? Mm-hmmmm....

Olivia

I love the digital test. Totally worth the $$ to me.

Marianne

Amy --- I'm glad that things are as you hoped. But I have to tell you --- you're the funniest person on the interweb. For reals.

Mary

When I saw your previous post, I immediately thought "UP AND UP!!!" because I had the EXACT SAME THING happen to me a couple months ago with an Up and Up test. I'm going to start giving those tests out as practical jokes.

txtingmrdarcy

*gives EPT test the finger*

It's time for a Mini-Amalah.

Sugared Harpy

I'm so glad it worked the way you wanted it. I know the feeling when it doesn't and oh man.

Seriously, Target, stop screwing with people!

Steph the WonderWorrier

So wait, you don't want to have a baby just because Teh Internetz wants you to?

WHO ARE YOU?!

;-)

kate

also probably dehydrated after ll that peeing. kick your feet up and have a drink

Miriam

you had ezra pee on that thing, didn't you

Erin

This is the last thing I read before I walked out the door to my 1st prenatal appiontment. The test that verified I am indeed carrying baby #3...Up and Up! I always hold my breath when they test at my clinic anyways (what if I imagined all of this!!!) but today I was really sweating bullets. No need, 6 weeks 3 days. :)

eva

Does Jason know about how expensive those pregnancy tests are? My husband does not. I will keep it that way, since I too have a sort of hobby of peeing on sticks:)

Amber H.

As someone who just last week received a VERY SHOCKING POSITIVE TEST (x3), let me offer my congratulations on all the negatives. I'm still a little eh about being pregnant again (baby boy is 19 months old). That's not a fun feeling to have when you KNOW babies are miraculous and amazing and all that. So I'm very, very happy for you that it's worked out the way you wanted!

Stacy

I had a couple of false positives from an Up and Up...it wasn't until I took the first response that I got consistent negatives.

kelly

I am hugely relieved for you.

kelly

Clarifying: I'm relieved not because babies aren't lovely -- you and Jason make adorable kids, obviously, and you're great parents who could handle three if you wanted / needed to -- but because when peeing on a stick makes you realize just how much you want a particular result, then I am damn well going to be relieved when some other stick gives you what you want.

Kati

I probably go through this about every two months. After getting pregnant the first time so super easily I now get a little freaked out each month before my period is due to arrive. I spend a lot of money on PG tests.

Corinne

Target tests keep screwing with my mind, but I always forget it's a bad idea when I see the 3 for $10 thing

Sarah

I've read up a lot on pg tests. (You do that in the 18 months it takes you to get pg), and it looks like the blue dye tests are REALLY unreliable as you so capably demonstrated. I would go with the pink dye tests or the digital. I've heard good things about Dollar Store tests, but as there are none near me, I have no actual experience with them.

Jennifer

I'm going to leave my story of the cheapo test coming up positive while the brand name test came up negative, but when I retested with brand name 5 days later it was positive too, to myself. :)

Jennifer

Sorry. I read your post before caffeine kicked in and I completely did not get it.

Glad you are happy with how things turned out!

Jessica (@ It's my life...)

Phew! Just the thought of three babies... shivers.
Also, that inversion thing is teh coolz.

Mary

Well my 3, no 4 tests all said "NOT PREGNANT" and so I finally stopped obsessing.... I had even gone to my O.B. to have them test me (like their pee sticks are more special than the 3 I'd purchased!) and it came out, again... negative... I am in my second trimester. Hahahaha.

Kristina

I feel your pain, I had the same thing happen to me with a Target brand test. MAJOR HEAD TRIP.

Jen

Super relieved for you, Amy - much as I'm still nervously chewing my own face off over Kim and her whole "two missed pills = suprise baybee" post yesterday.

Side note: I note there's no Up & Up brand on the Target website anymore - possibly too many bad reviews with angry false positive victims?!

Cara

Yeah, I totally get how tired you are because I am too. I have two boys (almost 3 years old and 14 months old) 21 months apart. I think I would crawl in a hole and cry for the whole 9 months if I got pregnant any time soon. Oh, and I had my fun with the pee sticks too last week. I finally bought a digital EPT too.

Kate @ And Then I Was a Mom

Yep, that was me (kind of) a few months ago. Got a false positive on one of those Walgreens have-words-can't-get-it-wrong tests. I barely remembered to buckle my preschooler into her car seat before roaring off for a proper blood test. When it came back negative, I cursed Walgreens over the biggest glass of wine this side of New England has ever witnessed. Then I bungee jumped, just because I could.

Jen

I have never heard of false positives - I thought they weren't possible..?

At any rate, just compelled to say hello -- as I started reading your blog when I was pregnant with my daughter (born in '06) and then followed you through 'our' second pregnancies (son born '08) -- and just went through a 'scare' myself, and thought, "Hey, wonder what Amala's up to?" Funny timing.

Treeling

Happy for you! I don't think that you should get pregnant to entertain us, for heaven's sake. Yeesh. And one commenter doesn't even want you to have pregnancy SCARES because they bore her, apparently. So please, be more careful so that his/her day is not disrupted by yawn-worthy pregnancy-related posts again!

And, OMG. A false positive would have BROKEN me after a 2 year ttc struggle (which ended up with me reading the 0 to 40 blog, finally! Yay!)-- the makers of those tests should be dragged out in the street and shot. A false positive would also have broken me during those college-aged late-period nail-biting omigodpleaseno moments. They should be dragged out in the street and shot TWICE.

Bill McNutt

Wow. I haven't been by for a few days, and they were clearly exciting days, indeed.

I take it you and the hubs are not willing to take Final Steps to assure that there are no more false alarms, and you are planning on a third child some time?

Bill

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