Not Quite Sick But Not Quite Well
The Loop

Topics in search of cohesion

Well. The inevitable happened. My microwave totally found out about my blog.

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How you gonna mock me and my ancestors NOW, bitch? Go ahead. Nuke some popcorn without your fancy modern turntable and lemme know how it goes. 

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Speaking of the Inanimate Object Uprising of 2009, I've had a vicious, three-inch-long black-and-blue mark on my left thigh on and off for years now, ever since we moved into this house. And I have absolutely no idea what piece of furniture is the culprit. I've tried to line it up with all of the obvious pointy corners, then gone through the regular motions of sitting down/standing up, and am now opening cabinet doors and drawers, and seriously, it's starting to really unnerve me that there is SOMETHING that I have managed to repeatedly walk into for THREE YEARS and yet cannot for the life of me identify what it is. Thus I cannot move it or unhinge it or take out back and shoot it because IT'S A REALLY PAINFUL BRUISE YOU GUYS.

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While I was typing that paragraph, Ezra found an open box of linguine in the pantry. 

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The Shutterfly contest has up and been extended another whole week! This means they are either super-pleased with the response so far and see no need to stop the fun...or they are not pleased with the response and it's all my fault and I need to slip them a note in homeroom all, "R U MAD AT ME CIRCLE YES/NO." Anyway. If you've got even just a spare 15 minutes and a handful of photos, you can still create and share a photo book and be entered to win a big ol' prize package.

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You know, I was not really fazed by the whole FTC blogger-disclosure thing, as I think I've always been pretty clear about what's what around here and at my other gigs (jerks thumb in direction of left sidebar). But lately I have been thinking that it's pretty damn unfair that bloggers now have to declare even the tiniest little Amazon affiliate link while cosmetic companies can have models wear insanely fake eyelashes in their mascara commercials and don't have to say anything.

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Legal disclaimer: Model was neither "born with it" nor is this any actual reasonable representation of "Maybelline," unless you count Maybelline products being applied to giant synthetic fibers that have been hot-glue-gunned to a model's eyelids and then given a good Photoshopping just for good measure. Actual results will likely closely resemble your own lashes, but darker and clumpier which honestly you should be grateful for because the longer you stare at this image the more creeped out you become because seriously, HER LASHES ARE TOUCHING HER EYEBROWS. AND I THINK HER CHEEKBONES ARE MISSING. IF SHE BLINKS SHE WILL TAKE OUT THAT ENTIRE SKYLINE. AAAAEEEIIII, AND ETC.

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And while I was typing THAT paragraph, Ezra got into the cardboard recycling and attempted to eat the picture off an empty box of waffles.

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Seriously. I feed him. Quite a bit, actually.  But I'm gonna go ahead and give him some ham, I guess.

Comments

Anne

I think all blog posts should be periodically interrupted by pictures of what Ez got into while you were typing. SO CUTE.

Janet

man, your microwave is really clean. :)

Hope

Your microwave is just mad because you gave it a taste for bacon. :p

Kim

I stayed up late last night(past midnight which is late in my world--LOL)to make a photobook to enter the contest and have been checking back way too often to find out who one only to find it has been extended.....I smell conspiracy. Happy Holidays to you guys. When did Ezra turn into a Man?

Jane

What kind of ham? OH MY GOD. Is Hormel paying you to feed him ham?

I FEEL VIOLATED.

Erin

Gotta love Toddler induced Pica! I agree with you about the FTC thing. It doesn't affect my blog so much but it does bug that traditional advertising methods aren't also supposed to stick in a plain as day disclaimer somewhere. I get that "we already understand those things are fake and those people are paid" but don't most blog readers know that amazon links are usually affiliate and how to tell the difference between a "hey they're paying me to say I like this thing" review and a "oh my god I just bought this and I loooove it" review? :)

JoAnn

hahahahaha....what a fun post! Ezra is a doll-my youngest is in 2nd grade and I miss those days. Really. I do. OMG and the bit about the eyelashes- soooo true!!!!

LD's Mom

Good thing it was linguine. When I first glanced at the picture (yes I look at pics of Ez before I read what you actually wrote) I thought they were giant scratches in your hardwood floors...

Bethany

I think ads need to have better disclaimers. I do like knowing in a blog whether it's a "I just bought this and love it" post or a "I was given this but will pretend I bought it because woo! monies!!!!" Yes, with good bloggers you can tell the difference anyway, but some are less naturally honest.

Also, Amalah, you were discussed at a Chrismakah party this weekend as being the favorite blogger even for those of us who aren't actually anywhere near moms (unless you count kittens, I'm an awesome mom to kitties)

Mrs. D

Awww, Ezra is so cute.

Mrs. D

Awww, Ezra is so cute.

Mary

My lashes are long enough that they touch my eyebrows even without mascara. Just saying. That part's not weird.

rkmama

re:fake eyelashes
THANK YOU and WTF. Every time a mascara commercial comes on I start yelling at the TV because mascara does not do that to eyelashes. Those adds are MAKE BELIEVE. I mean even on cereal boxes they have to write a freakin disclaimer about the picture of the cereal not actual being the size on the box's picture! (Ask Ezra! I bet it says it on that yummy waffle box, too!) Anyways usually at this point in the rant my husband takes the remote away from me and asks me to please close my eyes and he'll let me know when Glee's back on.

Camille

I second Kim....in a week it will be way too late to mail anything for Christmas. They know us desperate people are just going to order it now. I honestly thought I might win too because Brenda from Costco just called to tell me I won a "muffin reception" for my office....I never win anything. I've been robbed on my lucky day!

Susan

I think TV shows should have a disclaimer, too - those cannot seriously be Quinn's real eyelashes on Glee. Not in a million bazillion years.

Glad to see Ez is feeling better!

Lori

I have a sixteen-year-old daughter who has about a gajillion tubes of mascara because she believes the hype. I shall show her this post forthwith!

Real popcorn cooked in a three-quart saucepan with OIL is much better than any ol' microwave stuff!

Ezra is enchanting. Bless his tiny socks.

Heather

Heh love the little Ez digressions :P

Kathleen

I hate the bruises of mystery (seriously, WTF?), but LOVE the Ezra mischief. Guess he's feeling better?

MommiePie

Ezra IS a ham!

Re: your bruise...do you lean up against something when you're cooking, doing your hair, putting the baby in the car seat, etc?

Sprite's Keeper

Another WEEK!?!?
If I stare at my entry any longer, I'm gonna have to BUY IT already! This contest is killing my budget for this month!

Kim

Just reread my comment. Didn't mean to sound as snarky as it ended up reading--- just meant really wanted someone to get that prize today---and I LOVE your blog-- really truly.

chatty cricket

Will be over promptly to EAT THAT BABY.

Ok, that sounds creepy. How about instead I enter your shutterfly contest?

But that baby is damn cute.

Natballs

I was in Virginia this weekend and, while I was at the Botanical Gardens in DC, I totally thought I saw Ezra for a second there. I almost died.

Aunt Becky

Wait, she wasn't born with it? MY WHOLE VIEW OF THE WORLD IS SHAKEN.

Ashley

"While I was typing that paragraph, Ezra found an open box of linguine in the pantry. "


I totally read that line too quickly and thought it said "lingerie." Then I was very confused by the picture.

Heather

Maybe the three inch blue/black mark is from Ezra!!! I swear, sometimes my 15 mo knocks into my leg and I'm like, "YOWZA." Skull-on-kneecap contact is the worst.

Ezra's hair has gotten so much thicker since the last pics. You could do a time-elapse photo boook on his hair! Oh, speaking of, I'm glad that the contest was extended by a week! --I was going to do it, then decided not to, and then Monday morning I didn't want to check your blog bc I was bummed I hadn't entered. Not that I think I would have won or anything. I'm just sayin'...

LPC

I love Ezra. Can I trade you my working microwave with turntable for an adorable toddler boy child? No? Are you sure?

Marianne

He is so cute!

Melissa

Maybe the bruise is baby-induced? Like from carrying a car seat, or where they're legs hit you when in the Ergo? Or a spot on your leg they wrap themselves around for hugs? Just thinking, since the bruise is about the same age as Noah, right?

Della

Ezra is my internet boyfriend.

Sometimes I think you're in my head: I probably would have written that homeroom-note-to-shutterfly myself, were I you. Either way, I'm glad for the extended chance. I got photo paralysis - you know, like the EXACT FREAKING THING YOU TALKED ABOUT in the original post? and wasn't able to complete a book.

I think I have my idea ready now though. :)

Also, MOAR EZRA ALWAYZ PLZKTHX

Plano Mom

You keep it too clean. You need some sticky something to keep the glass molecules together.

gemma

Come live in the UK. Our mascara ads have a tiny line at the bottom of the screen saying something like 'styled using lash inserts'. The 'volumising' shampoo ads even fess up 'styled with some natural extensions'...

Cincy

I just washed my turntable thingie today AND the inside of my microwave and it's still not as clean as that. Also, I got sick of microwave popcorn and the stovetop method wasn't really doing it for us either. Do they still make Hot Air Poppers and are they any good? Oh, and that baby is freakin' adorable!!

Noelle

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for mentioning the mascara ads. Honestly, do they think we're that stupid? I am yelling at the TV as well rkmama!

Monkey

Glad to see that Ezra is feeling better. And I am comforted by the fact that your son eats boxes too.

Now, who paid you to put the frozen waffle box in your blog? Giant frozen waffle conglomerate of some sort? National Waffle Board? Fess up.

Brandi

OMG Ezra trying to eat the picture of the waffle is too damn cute! He's adorable!

I also get bruises of mystery. I never know where my bad bruises come from. And whenever I walk into something or hit my leg and think "that'll bruise" it never does! Pretty annoying.

Parsing Nonsense

Frick, Ezra is a cute kid.

Yeah, the new FTC rules are way lame. I resent them sticking their giant fun-squashing noses in our business.

Swistle

Yes, YES! And shampoo ads don't have to say "Model does not actually use our hair products." And during a movie, when there's product placement, there doesn't have to be a big scroll at the bottom of the screen saying "THIS IS A PAID PRODUCT PLACEMENT."

Jen

Hm, I thought it was just here in New Zealand that doesn't have those ad disclaimers I'm so familiar with from back home in the UK. First time I saw a mascara ad here without the tagline: "Styled using lash inserts" I nearly choked with indignant rage!

Although personally I still think they're lying. It CLEARLY should be carrying the tagline: "Styled using big fuzzy many-legged centipedes glued to eyelids. No centipedes were harmed in the making of this commercial - they were coughed up by the cat. Not recommended for the squeamish or those with bug allergies. Do Not Try This At Home."

Gram of 3

Thank Goodness your house has not been hit with the great waffle shortage. It looks as if Ezra would be UPSET!

I have pale skin and very light lashes. I agree with Jen, they look like bug legs to me.

So now you are going to get the manual out for the microwave and look up "To order spare parts." Right? As soon as you find the book....... must be with mine.

Halala Mama

I swear Ezra and Adam must be related. Adam's been playing with his ball popper constantly (and stuffing it full of weird stuff) and I think of your colorful adjective every time it goes off! He also pulled the salad off the table today and was so disgusted that it wasn't ham, or Cheerios, or who knows what he was looking for...that he spread it all over the floor. Wanna have a play date? at YOUR house. lol

Elaine

I dnt know how tall u r but I have a perma-bruise from my bathroom cabinet handle from leaning waaaay in to put my contacts in (or put on my mascara that doesn't look like an ad. at all). Or maybe one of the pantry shelves? Or it's a varicose vein which can certainly hurt.

Kate

I read that as "Ezra found an open box of LINGERIE in the pantry." and was all like 1) you keep your underwear in a box? and 2) a box in the pantry? Huh.

Belle

I really hope the contest was extended bc no one entered. Then if I actually enter, I may have a chance.
P.S. Ezra is a giant.

caleal

I had a permanent bruise on the top of my thigh for a long time. Right when it would start to fade, it would flare up again. I was convinced I was dying of some blood-cancer-iron-evil thing. Turns out that there was a certain position that I laid in in my bed, that caused the top of my thigh to press into a bar under my mattress. So I second everyone saying you might be leaning or pressing into something, instead of forcefully banging something.

kobri

Totally agree about the false lashes! I have been sayin for years that falsies in mascara commercials should not be allowed

Jen L.

I love that baby.
Dude, can you even buy a replacement microwave thinger? (That would be called a glass turntable plate, I suppose)

rhea

I remember wondering why the picture on the box didn't taste just as good as what was supposed to be in the box.

Rachael

Ezra is just SO CUTE. That is all.

Heidi

I seriously want to nibble on that baby.

Maria

He is soooooooooo CUTE!!!!

Plano Mom

I was too busy telling you that you kept it too clean that I forgot to tell you I have an extra from when our microwave was accidentally turned on 30 minutes instead of 3 for popcorn. I kept the glass, thinking "I'll need this." send me an email and I'll go find it...

Jen L 2

The thing leaving the bruise on and off on your body is obviously Noah. Think back and you'll realize he's been walking for the last three years. :)

Mrs Soup

Ha, my baby TOTALLY should be Ezra's best buddy. Because she will eat anything. Including searching out pictures of waffles in piles of recycling to make out with it. Her favorite is the pepperoni stick boxes though. She'd totally have their babies...

Nancy R

BAAHAAHAA She was not "born with it."

Bethany

I was able to use a large plate in my microwave when I lost the "real" turning plate during a move. It seemed to still work rather well.

Nerwal

So, yes, I'm in agreement with the fake lashes... tell me what you did to that model to make lashes that look like that. And Ezra = adorable.

But can someone please, please, please tell me where to buy a microwave turntable? Lowes/Home Depot do not sell them by themselves. And I am in need of one.

Amy in StL

That's always bothered me about mascara commercials. Although after buying the Sephora mascara sampler; my lashes are rocking a little closer to that look. Well... for a redhead anyway. :0

Jill

I had a bruise like that for years, and I realized what it was from finally. I would get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and I would hit my thigh on my footboard. It has a square edge and in the dark, I always cut it short. No more bruise for me!

Carla

About your standard regular bruise: I think I would have to tape a baggie of water to my leg in the right spot and hope that I notice the wetness when it breaks. Or maybe something crushable like a bathroom paper cup. Of course, then you might be unconsciously cautions about crushing the cup and avoid the thing. Oo, Oo, Oo, or a handshake buzzer! That would do it. And possibly scare the crap out of you....

Eliza

It's probably Ezra's fault that the waffle box is empty in the first place. Such a freakin' NOMable baby!

Amanda

I used to do photo books, then I discovered it was way easier to just blog about things.

However, in the spirit of competition, I decided to see if it is easier to create them today then it was in 2004.

YES! Major improvements. I like the "Simple Path" method so I don't have to make so many decisions about things. It's like the software can read my mind.

I actually created two of them, one for 2008 and one for 2009. Easy cheesy!

(Pick me as the winner!)

Elizabeth

I don't know how you've managed not to pop Ezra in the toaster, then smother him with butter and syrup and EAT HIM WHOLE. Because honestly Amy, that is one adorable little guy you have there!

P.S. Sorry about the evil bruise of evil, hope you figure out what the heck is causing it.

Penny

Could the bruise be due to leaning against your car perhaps? Like, when you lean over to put your children into their carseats?

kelly

I like your disjointed stuff-in-my-head posts just as much as your cohesive ones. You make me laugh.

Nicole

I entered your Shutterfly contest! Or at least, I think I did.... I followed your directions, at any rate. :) I'm usually not very good at these sorts of things.

stacy

I was also going to say leaning into the car to strap the kids in....

Not only do the UK ads have to say that there are lash inserts and hair extensions (in tiny print mind you) but they also have to state (also in tiny print) just how many women "agree" that a product does X ... the best one so far "35 out of 100 women agree" ---not even 50%?!?! How is that an endorsement???? hahaaa

mandy

I recently had the same preg test thing happen! I have had my tubes tied, but want another. It was crushing. I took about 30 tests too, praying for that same fake line to appear. Kroger brands also are stupid, btw. CVS brand first responses though, those were the real stinkers. Those faint lines were always there with those. I had symptoms! I thought I was pregnant. I hoped and prayed it was true, but no. :( Sorry you went through that.

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