Jedi Master
15 Months

Bait, Switch

Every morning Noah sneaks into our bed. Well, he thinks he's sneaking, though of course we're usually awake by the time he's noisily swung open his bedroom door, padded into the bathroom and made a terrific racket with his stool and potty seat and cheerful morning greetings to the monkeys on the shower curtain, wandered down the hall while clutching his latest Lego creation, shedding and retrieving blocks along the way...but then he arrives at our bedside and holds his breath and caaaaarefully and quiiiiiiietly climbs and over us, jabbing us with elbows and knees while he caaaaaaaaaaaaaarefully and quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiietly takes his place under the covers between us. "I love you too," he murmurs, even before we've said anything.

Jason gets up first while Noah and I stay in bed for as many extra minutes as I dare, nuzzling and snuggling until his feet are no longer icicles against my shins. I cannot think of a better way to start the day, although would it kill him to go downstairs and brew me some coffee first? I mean, really.

This morning was no different. He crept in and coaxed some big bear hugs from a still barely awake Daddy, then rolled over to my side once Jason got up. He was a bit extra talkative, saying something something about his friend? His friend liking a parrot? I assumed he was talking about his Lego people, who are all currently kept inside his recreation of the house from Up, complete with sails and windows and an appropriately damaged foundation that is SUPPOSED to be like that, did you not see the movie? God.

He sort-of half-laid on my head, so I could just see over his shoulder when I finally opened my eyes and squinted against the brightness...and the giant-ass stink bug sitting contentedly on his shoulder, about two inches from my eyeballs.

An unholy sound came from my throat, probably something like GAAAAAMAHGAWDHUUUUUUUHHHHHHH, while I attempted to both scream and gasp at the same time, frantically and half-blindly swinging at the vile thing several times before making contact...sending it ass-over-ass-like-head...directly onto my child's face. Years of practice with these bugs (DO. NOT. CRUSH.) saved poor Noah a instinctive face-slap, since I knew, even in my half-asleep haze, that it needed to be flushed intact lest we bring about yet another onslaught of dozens. Plus, the guts really, really smell.

Grabbing a tissue, though, was beyond my problem-solving capacity at this point, and I only succeeded in violently flicking the bug off his face and into the vast unknown. Probably behind the bed, to be hunted with the ShopVac later.

But right then, I could do little more than collapse back on my pillow while Noah wailed about the loss of his PARROT, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PARROT. I buried my face and shuddered and announced that it was high time to get out of bed.

When I went into the bathroom I realized I had an amputated stink bug leg stuck to my face. 

Anyway! The end! That was my morning. I'm just sharing because I love you. Come give us a cuddle.

PS. Doctors Without Borders, American Red Cross, Hope For Haiti.



OMG, that is too funny/scary! I couldn't imagine waking up to that!

Mrs. Flinger

My son does that same thing. He thinks he's SOOO stealth. I like letting him think that.

Of course he also thinks nobody knows when he's taking a crap under the table. I like letting him think that, too.


I may never recover from the sceond degree creep out you just gave me. Bugs. In my bed. On my children. GAH!


I can't believe you're still fighting stink bugs! I haven't seen a bug in months![okay, maybe an earwig which is right up there on the yack-scale with the stink bugs]. Hope you find your little amputee & get him with the Shop Vac before someone steps on him...cos then we can talk about the cuddling.

Parsing Nonsense

Oy, what a horrifying way to wake up in the morning!!! I hope that's the last time you wake up with an amputated limb stuck to your face.


What a horrific way to start the morning. I hate those heart pounding, blood pumping events at any time of the day, but FIRST. THING. IN. THE. MORNING! Worst start, ever. YUCK!

Sprite's Keeper

That would have been my cue to go BACK to bed.
Is it just me or does anyone else channel Doug's voice when a squirrel runs across the road?

Suzy Q

Thanks ever so for The Daily Shudder.

Keri (Auburn Gal Always)

I was thoroughly enjoying the touching story about the snuggle and imagination and memory-making and cuddles and love and all.

Then the stink bug! I completely understand with the half-awake compromised problem-solving skills issues.

Thanks for the laugh. is combining her famous giveaways with donations to Haiti.

bad penguin

What is it with bugs right now? Don't they know they are supposed to be dead in the wintertime? I have my very own version of this post written but not yet posted, due to a traumatic stink bug landing on me in the shower incident yesterday morning. While I was naked. It was awful.


Omigosh! I hate bugs, but that was really funny.


Ahahah awesome! And yes, experience has also taught me to not! crush! the stinkbug!


Sooo, you beat the shit out of your kid's stinkbug parrot? Nice! Sounds like it's time to get the kid a hamster before he befriends something more disgusting...

6512 and growing

Sounds like a perfectly normal mother/child moment.


Itchy. I'm all itchy now.

Greg S.

So, I have no comment specific to today (other than ugh, waking up to bug in bed = BAD) BUT: I've seen other blogs declaring today is Delurker Day. And, since your blog has long been one of my favorite places to lurk, I thought I'd say hi.


See you tomorrow. (Well, I'll see you, but I doubt you'll see anything from me.)


The best argument I've heard for having a child is reading that Noah was calling the stink bug on his shoulder his "parrot". That had me cracking the eff up!

Cheryl S.

BAD: Bug in bed near face.
GOOD: Noah's imagination is obviously getting better.

Loved the snuggle story. HATED the bug! Hope you got him with the shop vac!


That is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!!

Also, stinkbugs, EW.


That is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!!

Also, stinkbugs, EW.


You shoulda had all girls. That never happens in my house. LOL

(Berry berry cute, the I-Love-You-Too... awwww....)


The only thing more horrifying than waking up to a skinkbug NEAR MY FACE AND IN MY BED and ending up with parts of it ACTUALLY ON MY FACE is reading about it in my otherwise stinkbug free home. Because now I'm all "stinkbug free home ...OR IS IT GAH"


I've found 2 stink bugs recently in my house! And I thought they "hybernated" in winter time. Now I'm paranoid I may have an infestation inside my house and they weren't just coming in from outside when it first started to get cold this year.


Correction: you had an amputated PARROT leg stuck to your face...


Gasp! Horror! Parrot? Mwahahahaha...

samantha jo campen

I love how Noah is all "See my friend here?" and you flip the eff out and smack him away and he's left wondering what the hell just happened?

Sigh. Oh the reasons we had children!


Holy crap! What a wakeup!


We may have flying cockroaches in Texas, but at least we don't have stinkbugs!

And yes, I agree the parrot thing does say great things about his imaginative skills. Although - maybe you should show him a picture of a parrot... Birds YES, bugs NO.


sweet baby jesus, that is not at all where i thought this was going. way to keep us on our toes, and good luck with the icky bugs... :)


a stink bug leg on your face would SUCK but I'll trade you that for the bat in my basement.

Mama Bub

I just choked on my frozen yogurt, but it was worth it. MY PARROT!


oh NO! If only it really HAD been a parrot it would have been a much better morning. Ick!


Oh my god my heart is literally pounding from reading about that dang stink bug!!


Oh crap, I'm laughing so hard. I'm sorry it was traumatizing, but "My parrot! My parrot!" I can just imagine...


I just googled stink bugs to make sure they don't exist in Britain. They do, but they hibernate in winter. I think I might emigrate. Also, did you know this? Wikipedia says 'The stink bug is known as bọ xít in Vietnamese, and is featured in Vietnamese cuisine' EWWWW!


This is why I live in North Dakota, too cold for stink bugs to live here!


lol. oh, amalah! that was AWESOME. i was in need of cheering up. thanks

Mary Jo

Dude, those bugs are seriously nasty. This post made my skin crawl LOL.



This post was awesome... made my crappy day better. Noah is the best! I'm still cracking up over the loss of his parrot :)

Tina C.

my 4 year old found one this morning as well up here in balto. -- what is up with that? hasn't this cold killed them yet????????


P.P.S. Partners in Health, too.


OMFG I hate stink bugs.


As someone who has never even seen a stink bug like, ever, I am amazed by how often you seem to encounter these things.

And, bug legs skeeve me out so kudos for not freaking out at the sight of a disembodied one on your face.

Erin (Snarke)

My exact reaction to this post? Was roughly something like this "aaawwweeuuugughhhh!aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhheeeeee!"

I've been trying to comment instead of lurk but since today is delurking day: hi!

Chrystal @ Happy Mothering

Stink bugs are the worst! I can't imagine having them in my bed. As my 20 month old would say, "Ucky!"


Holy crap! ICK!


OMG, can't stop laughing, just picturing Noah chatting away, happy as a clam with his new friend and you flick him away! Wonder if he woke up with the parrot on his shoulder or if he placed him there.


iiiiieeeeee! That sure got my blood going this morning!

christine stephens

♥ ♥ ♥

Maggie, Dammit

I can't believe you killed a parrot.

Am outraged!

Katie Kat

Okay, got me laughing out loud today! "PARROT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PARROT?" OMFG... it was his little parrot on his shoulder! HA HAHAHAHAHA...

You should have left the amputated leg on your face (or shirt) as a warning to all the other stink bugs lurking (lurking; they're always lurking).



Sounds like a fabulous way to start your day. Yeah..

FYI, my eldest is 10 and brings me coffee. Just so you know, it DOES happen. Eventually.


What a classic boy moment! Next you'll be finding frogs and garter snakes in the front pockets of his muddy overall or something. Thanks for this. I LOVE to laugh so hard I cry, especially at somebody else's expense (hee).


Oops, I meant overalls.


You totally need a coffee pixie. I'd offer you mine, but I'm using him :)




The stink bugs are killing me; I thought with all of this cold weather we would be done with them until the spring.

Anyway, the other morning I was brushing my teeth and went to take a sip out of my glass water and something stopped me...thank god because the stink bug was in my cup. What if I had swallowed that thing? Would I have burped up that rotten smell for days? It makes me shake every time I think about it


oh, man, thanks for the pee in my pants morning!


That's awful. A rat once ran over my foot in the subway. It was like six years ago - I'm still getting over it.


Gah! SO GLAD I live on the west coast. Yes, we have us some freaky spiders, but so far, not where I've lived. Although, I remember once when I was playing in my front yard in California when my ankle got "splashed" by what I thought was water when I put my foot down. Since I was playing near the hose, I thought it was no big deal but decided to look down anyway. Apparently I had stepped on one end of a giant potato bug, who then splurted its GUTS all over my ankle in protest. It looked like a tube of toothpaste when you've tried getting the last bit out and one end is flattened like a pancake and the other one is bulged out. GROSS!


Oh, posting again because yes, there was one place we lived in CAlifornia that did have freaky spiders. Family lore has it that one morning I was out on our lawn when I was 2-3 years old, only to turn around and discover a PARADE of TARANTULAS! It was their yearly migration, apparently I started screaming my head off and ran toward the house. Could explain my aversion to even teeny-tiny spiders to this day. So yeah, be thankful you don't live where tarantulas migrate.

Big Gay Sam

"Anyway! The end! That was my morning. I'm just sharing because I love you. Come give us a cuddle."

Not until you get that bug drumstick off your face. :p

Bachelor Girl


I know that one day I might have children, and really gross and disturbing things like this will probably happen to me...

...but until then, I'm having a lot of fun laughing at other people.



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