Why God Invented Photo Cropping
Jedi Master

Better Parenting Through Abandonment

This weekend was Jason's company's annual holiday party, also known as the event we always get SO. EXCITED. about because it involves a full night away from our ungrateful, wretched children, thanks to a super-discounted hotel room and free babysitting from the in-laws, but also MORE CORRECTLY known as the event that never quite works out the way we hope, as we either 1) stay up too late, 2) drink too much, or 3) both, always both, and then either wake up just as early (or earlier) as we usually do because of 1) hangovers, 2)  construction noise from four feet from our hotel room window, 3) that weird parental spidey-sense you get because OMG, it's 7 am, my child is waking up and demanding cereal two zip codes over, or 4) some hellacious combination of All Of The Above.

(That whole paragraph, including two [2!] separate numbered lists, was one sentence. That might be my finest work yet.)

This year was no exception. After a deadly combination of inedible finger food and cheap-ass liquor, our night ended during an after-party in the hotel lounge, where I sat around talking to people I've never met before about topics I don't quite remember.  I am going to guess it wasn't my finest hour, as at some point a woman across the table said something like, "Well, I'M a Republican," and I was all, "Shit, am I talking about politics? Shit. Ctrl-Z, man, sorry." And then everyone stared at me and I started explaining what Ctrl-Z meant and the entire table was like, "WE'RE COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS, MORON."

Another woman kept trying to give me her bracelet after I said I liked it.. Then I woke up and my head hurt. The end!

At least my dress was pretty. 


(Yes, the red hair has faded muchly. That was the original idea: a semi-permanent copper color that would quickly fade to a strawberry blond in case I didn't like the darker shade. Except that I did like the darker shade and am dying to go back and color it again, but also don't want my poor over-processed hair to snap off like twigs above my ears.)

And my children were appropriately scarred for life, as they both up and got themselves massive cases of separation anxiety out of nowhere. Before we left on Saturday afternoon, Noah hurled himself onto the couch and wailed, begging us not to leave him in the care of two doting grandparents who would surely do terrible things like...I don't know, PLAY TOYS and WATCH TV with him. Last night he came into our room four times between 1 am and 3:30 am, mostly to make sure we were present and accounted for through a series of pokes and forcible eyelid openings.

Ezra was napping when we left, and oh, that was a bit of a mistake, letting him wake up after we were gone. He now fights sleep tooth and nail, thrashing around any time we get ANYWHERE near his crib, clinging to me like a desperate baby monkey. So that's fun! And not guilt-inducing at all. Or annoying.

(My in-laws are still here, by the way. The reason this entry is all over the place is that I only feel like I am "working" [and thus not obligated to entertain and/or dodge political/religious conversations with them] when I am typing. So. Typing! Typing after two terrible nights of no sleep! My brain in no longer hooked up to my fingers! Type type type-y type.)

(I haven't eaten lunch yet, either. My in-laws are like, HEALTHY, hardcore near-vegan raw food healthy, and whenever they are here I get insatiable cravings for crap like hot dogs and spend my days plotting how I could eat one [or four] without anyone noticing.)

(Oh, God. This isn't fair to you guys, making you sit around reading my stream-of-sleep-deprived-hot-dog-obsessed-consciousness. I should just go type some emails or something. Here, have a baby picture. Just try not to zerbert your computer screen, okay?)


(Next up: plot how to eat baby without anyone noticing. GLOM.)


Fawn Amber

Oooh...I like the dress. Where did you get it?? And more importantly, let's see the shoes!!!


Heather B.

Random question: was this even held at the Washington Court?


Oh, don't you love when you have drunken political conversations and you wake up just knowing that someone hates you. Good thing I am pregnant and can no longer drink.

Kate @ And Then I Was a Mom

Well, if you do eat Ezra, it WOULD be raw, probably. (Unless you roast him, which is how I like my baby done.) So your in-laws should have little to quibble with there.


I've been going red for YEEEARZZZ, so the only thing I'll say is that permanent color fades pretty hardcore, too, so semi-permanent is almost never necessary with reds. I get mine done every four weeks, and I often Colorance in between and it STILL fades more than I'd like it to, and my natural blond is a level 7 out of 10. (10 being blondest, but you already knew that)

I've tried 'em all, from Aveda to Redken to Goldwell, and now actively seek Goldwell salons. Their reds fade the least, and their new no-fade red line is HOT HOT HOT PINK when you first do it, but it fades to the right color within a day or so, and then hardly fades at all. Their regular reds are pretty good, too.

Aveda sucks balls with their all-natural shit, and so does Chi. Hippie color was not meant for reds.

Sprite's Keeper

I have the exact opposite. On the rare occasions we leave Sprite at home to focus on each other, she will push us out the door. She's three. Maybe when she's four, she'll remember to throw us the keys before slamming it shut.
Awesome midafternoon snack there. Thanks, Ez!


Oh I love the dress! And the forgetting hotel lobby conversations, not like from experience or anything, though.


Pretty artistic crooked-iPhone shot! Love the dress.

OMG that Ezra. I did not know it was possible for a baby to be that cute. NOM.


God, a DRESS and ALCOHOL and CONVERSATION with people who say things besides "mamamamamama" sounds AMAZING. Not to mention sleeping in a bed you don't have to make in the morning. Your life of oppulence and luxury is spectacular.


LOL at that first sentence, which in addition to two (2!) separate numbered lists ALSO includes FOURTEEN commas, two sets of parentheses, and strangely, two periods. Certainly your finest work, and that's coming from a 4+ year reader!


Dude, good try with the whole "Don't zerbert the screen" bit. Because nothing beckons a zerbert quite like baby chub served over fuzzy corduroy. Jeez.

PS: love the dress & also the hair color. & the cut. I'm jealous of your whole head basically.


omg. must eat baby belly now. nom.


Worst. Parents. Evar.

But you're rocking the hair, so that makes up for it. I know you wanted it darker but this looks fantastic on you. And if your iPhone is anything like mine, your hair is actually quite a bit redder than shown (got some examples of scary, bad-red hair on my own blog, and the iPhone just can't truly capture the horror).




ABC Animal Orchestra! We have that! It appeared in our mailbox for free. But we don't have the cool thing that will read it for us. Worth it?


I just inhaled the world's best hot dog ever. (With homemade chili!) You are more than welcome to join me.

(Does this entire comment sound vaguely pornoriffic?)

Mrs. D

Awwww - that adorable round baby tummy.

Also, the lighter hair color is ALSO awesome.


I got a great tip from my stylist last time I was at the salon. She told me that red hair dye will always fade even with color-safe shampoo. However, if you buy SULFATE FREE shampoo AND conditioner, it will last far longer. I was skeptical, but after a month my hair is still red. You can't even see the gray hairs yet (and you can always see them by now).


Ah, the Tag Jr. We have one though I'm sorry to say it hasn't made it out of the original packaging yet...

That is one mighty fine baby belly there! NOMNOMNOM!

My 3-year old has a different issue: whenever anyone comes to the house, she throws a fit when they have to leave. "No! You no leave now!" Her thought process: if I don't say good-bye then they can't leave! Good times.

Mrs Soup

Oh man....that baby is SO edible. Nomnomnom.

Parsing Nonsense

Man, Jason's work parties end up a lot more wild than any I've ever been part of! Sounds like a lot of fun though!


I actually find that my hippie-shit red hair dye lasts quite well -- I don't remember the last time I dyed it, but it's still red, and you can actually see my roots at this point. I wish it would fade, really.

Anyway, I use straight-up henna, from Light Mountain Natural. I put it on at night, wrap my head up in a shower cap and saran wrap and a hat, and wash it out in the morning. So... not the best control over how long it's in for and what degree of color I get. But I've never been unhappy. If anything, I've been more likely to do it again a few nights later to get more color.

I also use all-natural hippie shampoo, though. Made, basically, of mud. So that might help the color last longer.


Super cute dress! I want one!

I totally understand craving abnormal food items in the presence of super healthy eaters. My grandparents are the same way, minus the vegan thing...they like meat, but they like it practically raw, so it is all the same, right? I used to sneak junk food that I rarely eat otherwise because a) I crave it when I know I am not supposed to have it and b) I'm a wee bit of a rebel. Along the lines of "what, you are telling me, the one who gets migraines by skipping snack time, to skip lunch so I can maintain my weight just like you. I'll show you and hoard disgusting junk food in my room!" (I should note that this was from my step-grandma, who doesn't have the migraine gene that plagues all the other women in our family.) It was bad, but it made me feel a lot better!


Oh...he is sooooo cute. I love that adorable little fat baby tummy. Gawd, why isn't it so cute on me?


Baby beefcake!!!!!


I'm pretty sure you taught me the term Nom in relation to babies and for that I am eternally grateful!

Big Gay Sam

Now how many people have the mad skills to accessorize their iPhone with the dress.

I'm impressed. ;)

Heather Ben

Do you like the leapfrog reader? looks like he is using it himself.

and the stream-of-sleep-deprived-hot-dog-obsessed-consciousness is funny, so keep up with it!




Heather Ben - We have the regular Leapfrog Tag pen for Noah and he LOVES it. So great for trips, waiting rooms, extra DIY bedtime stories, etc.

We got Ez the Tag Jr. just because he was always swiping Noah's and trying (a little too roughly) to play with it. He's a little young to really sit and read the stories with it but he loves the music and sound effects, plus the Jr pen is much harder to break.


Too late. Must google "how to remove zerbert spit from computer monitor now". And I broke a fingernail trying to tickle him through the screen.


oooh that baby tummy!


That is one cute tummy! I have my own 15 month old to love on, but that is ONE CUTE TUMMY!


Your dress (and hair) look gorgeous and there is no way no how to not try to kiss that baby belly through the screen! It's just asking for it!


You're giving William Faulkner a run for his money with that extra-long run-on sentence.


I had to chime in on the henna too. Not only is it natural but it improves the condition of your hair. http://www.hennaforhair.com/
I spent weeks researching how to color my hair the natural way on this site. There are a ton of recipes that you can follow to get the color you want. You would have to add cassia to the henna to get a strawberry blonde but its totally doable. Be warned, henna does not fade or wash out. You must be commited. It is the best thing I've ever done for my hair. Split ends and breakage are no more! And the shine?! Couldn't be shinier!!


WE'RE COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS, MORON." hilarious! like they were wearing badges to let you know. Beautiful dress.


BTW, Amy- love, love, LOVE your dress. Details at your earliest convenience please.

Jen L.

Run-on sentence = rockin'
Dress = gorgeous
This post = hilarious
Ctrl Z = effing brilliant

Plano Mom

Oh my that belly.

Bachelor Girl

DUDE! Love that dress so much! We need DETAILS.


Wow, your hair faded like overnight!!! That was way fast check out this blog about hair color, and no its not mine, but it kicks ass....

So glad you had a night out...can relate to not knowing if it was good time or just that you weren't home, so that makes it good...Ezra is the most adorable little munchkin...miss toddlers!!!


If you don't eat that baby, I will.


I too made the mistake of leaving while my daughter was sleeping and paid the price. She fought sleep so hard and would lay in her bed sniffling, asking "wake up?" for hours. I'd say, no, it's not time to wake up - time for sleep. And then it dawned on me, she was asking whether I was going to be there when she woke up. Talk about guilt. It helped to reassure her before every nap and bedtime that I was most certainly going to be there when she woke up.


I won't ZERBERT, but I may NOMNOMNOM.
I always find myself in the middle of terribly inappropriate conversations when drinking with work people. I've tried to limit myself to two drinks at a function, but that's just too miserable, so I live with the embarrassment...

Heather Ben

Thanks! My baby just turned one yesterday and when i saw Ez sitting with the Tag Jr. I wondered if she was old enough.

BTW - we got her a ball popper based on your 5 toys post a while back and she LOVES it. THANKS!!!


The parent auto wake-up is the cruelest thing ever. Could I sleep late in a luxurious hotel room after drinking 5 rum and cokes at my 20th class reunion? I most certainly could NOT. There is no thread count high enough to counter the parent auto wake-up.

Katie Kat

Oh Lord... the courduroys just make him that much more NOM-able! MUST ZERBET!!!!!!


Amy in StL

Yeah, I dye my hair red and it fades the most when I'm happy with my color. When I'm like, "OMG, for the love of GOD when will the fading start?" it doesn't fade as quickly.

I used to use Pureology (in the purple bottle) which helped. It helped better than the Biolage color safe. The Matrix made my scalp itch. Here's the weird thing: I switched to Pantene this last time. You know, the new color specific line they have? I totally think it's rocking my red better than the Pureology did. My hair looks and feels healthy and did I mention I can buy it at KMart?

I'm totally freaked out by this, but as long as it's working as well for $7 as my $30 pureology I'm totally in!


This is an absolutely fabulous entry. I wish it went on forever. Oh, how I love you. :)

Jessica (@ It's my life...)

a) That dress is teh awesomez.
b) I might now need to go look up what Control-Z does, and that really bugs me because gah, that means I'm not nearly as geeky as I thought. Bah.
c) I think that your stream of consciousness posts are my favorite. It feels like when I have coffee with friends and we're all have so much to say in so little time that it all comes out in whatever order we can get it out. Even if we talk over each other and all that.

And did I mention that the dress was awesome?


Wow! I thought I was the only one scared to eat around my inlaws. My mother in law is super healthy and after the twins were born and they stayed with us for 2 (YES 2 I was insane when I agreed to it apparently) weeks towards the end relations were a little strained so I made a lasagna and it was hard and I was tired but she refused to eat it! She told my husband she had been eating too many unhealthy things.

So when she was here for Thanksgiving she took over my kitchen and I went 10 hours without food rather than go in and have her judge me. I was so starved.


If God intended us to not eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat.


seriously that kid is fucking adorable


The comments to this entry are closed.