I Shall Rent It Out For Weddings & Make My Fortune
Star Wherefore Art Thou

Star Wheres

Despite Noah's initially-underwhelmed reaction to Star Wars, I must now report that we are in the grips of full-fledged mania over here. His obsession grew with a slow burn: When offered the choice between going to bed and staying up late to watch The Empire Strikes Back, he picked the obvious and obliged us with an occasional glance at the screen. But then he haggled with us repeatedly over the next few days for a similar Return of the Jedi deal. And it was at some point during this film that his inner geek was truly awakened, and we have been pretty much All Star Wars, All The Time ever since. 

I can't complain: I seem to distinctly remember talking about watching Star Wars with our unborn child no more than 10 minutes after peeing on the stick. It Is Kind Of My Thing, as long as we pretend that the three prequels didn't happen, because they make me unreasonably angry, as did the dumb "special edition" re-releases with extraneous CGI banthas and shit, I don't WANT extra CGI banthas, I want my childhood belief that three-inch models on string were totally giant ships in outer space and I want it on widescreen DVD without your stupid extra Jabba scene, LUCAS. 

Ahem. Point is, I'm a huge Star Wars nerd, although also a bit of purist. Noah has seen ONLY the three original theatrical versions. He is not aware of the Other Ones or the cartoons, although I could probably be talked into the 1978 Holiday Special, because HA HA HA HA HA OH MY GOD THAT SHIT IS AWESOME. 

(And yeah. We have a bootleg copy of it. Of course we do. I told you guys about this, right?)

I also can't complain because now everyday when I drop Noah off at his afternoon school, he and another little boy re-enact their favorite scenes: his classmate mimes Luke and his lightsaber; Noah pretends he's Darth Vader falling down the stairs at the end of Jedi. Then he does his best James Earl Jones impression* and says "Help me take this mask off" to his friend. The other boy obliges and Noah immediately jumps up and declares "I'm not a bad guy anymore! I'm a good guy! Yay!" 

Redemption! And. Scene.

*I am not making that up. My four-year-old has an honest-to-God James Fucking Earl Jones impression. I've been trying and trying to get it on video but every time I pick up the camera and start asking him about Star Wars, he immediately launches into his best Star Wars According to a 3 Year Old impression.**

**Which basically sounds like this: Welllll. Welllll. Okay. Mumble mumble something Shiny Guy mmmppffg mumble smmrgg unintelligible don't talk back to Darth Vader he'll getcha it's an exciting movie Mommy can I watch the little girl on your phone again? Huh? Please? 

I dug out our old CD box set (OF COURSE WE OWN THE BOX SET) and put the movie soundtracks on my iPod, and now he sings the music constantly. (The main theme song is red, for anyone following our adventures in synesthesia.) He's almost creepily tuned in to it -- a fairly generic track will play and he can pinpoint the exact moment that corresponds to everybody falling into the "trashy pool" or when Obi-Wan "missappears" after playing swords with Vader.

(He's watched each of the movies exactly twice. TWICE.) 

One thing he does have wrong -- kind of -- is the title. Since he has no idea what the word "war" means, he originally thought it was called "Star Worth." He's now semi-corrected himself and calls it Star Wheres

Jason spent several evenings online tracking down acceptable action figures for him. ("Acceptable" meaning anything "old-style" and manufactured before the Other Ones, which...damn, I didn't realize just how much collective anger and bitterness we harbor against those movies.) I felt kind of guilty when the $6.99 toys arrived from the various collectors, all mint in their original packaging and surrounded by 10 pounds of lovingly arranged packing peanuts, only to have Noah immediately rip them open in sticky-fingered glee and start re-enacting any scene that involved the character getting hurled from great heights and distances. R2D2's legs are already coming loose and C-3PO has some suspiciously small teeth marks on his leg, but after a decade and a half in their packaging, they are certainly not lacking in love. 

He asked for a lightsaber too, of course, and that we've been reluctant to get for him. Not just because we're liberal pussies who have problems with toy weapons (we totally are), but also because the whole preschooler-with-poor-impulse-control combined with the general eye-level whackability of Ezra's head seems like a bad idea. I also think he'd challenge the TV to a duel. But when I told him I wasn't sure about the lightsaber, he took it quite well and asked for the "Yellow Letters in Space" instead. When I told him I wasn't sure they sold the opening crawl as an action figure, he also took it quite well. 

"Santa will get me the Yellow Letters," he told me, quite confidently. 


Cheeseball but true: I kind of feel like we're all a bunch of kids again. Thanks, Star Wheres.



I went and read your first date story and it was great. How cool that it was documented in the paper and that you caught on that it was a date. So cute!

Also, what do you get if you touch a frog in space?

Star warts!


Brynna has a little light saber, about the size of, oh, I don't know, a paper towel roll. It's awesome and harder for her to accidentally hit things with. I can't tell you where we got it, though. We've just kinda always had it. Also, we had a stuffed one. Brynna left it at the park, but it couldn't really hurt anyone. Just so you know that these things exist.


I've never seen one of the Star Wars movies.

I'm going to get my 1976 birth status REVOKED.


When our son was four and finished number two on the potty (after spending thirty minutes in the bathroom w/ his Star Wars action figures), his signal for us to come help him out with things was to start singing, "Dun-dun-dun dun-da-dun dun-da-dun" ala the Darth Vader theme music:)

Melissa S.

We have the same lightsabers that VHMPrincess mentioned. My husband and two sons (4 and 2) have battled all over the house with these things! I got them on ebay - here's another set up for bid now so you can see what they look like:

And I second the Galactic Heroes line of figures/ships, etc. My 4 year old is completely obsessed with the SW world and loves these guys. The Millenium Falcon is especially cool with sound effects and dialogue from the film.

Also check etsy - you can get decals that go on a wall of the opening crawl of Star Wars, or just the words "Star Wars" or "May the Force be with you".

I so love that my son is as into this as I am. And I am holding off on those stupid prequels for as long as I can. We don't own them and never will.

Melissa S.

One more thing that Noah (and all other SW obsessed kids) may like - the episode of the Muppet Show with Mark Hamill as the guest. C3PO and R2D2 are also in it and Chewbacca appears at the very end. Mark appears both as Luke and as himself (Luke's cousin). I had a really hard time explaining this confusing concept to my boys, but they loved it and laughed hilariously at Gonzo as "Dearth Nadir".


The tauntaun sleeping bag was on think geek before april fools. It was not part of the april fools thing Nerd alert haha.


My husband most likely wishes he would have married you, instead. I'm the anti-Star Wars.


based on your adventures with thomas the train back in the day, this is probably not the best saturday activity, but i am super excited about it and thought i would share: http://www.starwarsinconcert.com/


This is awesome! Between the ages of 7 and 9, i would run frantically to answer the door every time the doorbell rang because I was *convinced* that it was Luke Skywalker coming to whisk me away to Tatooine. To this day, I'm not sure how my mom handled the devastation each and every time that it wasn't Luke at the door. Sigh.


We have finally decided (hubby was the hold out odd because his college nickname, Han) that our just-turned 4-year-old is ready to watch for the first time. I CAN'T WAIT!!! And yes, old school all the way. He will watch it just like I did and he will watch it a million times, just like I did! Even got my coloring books and trading cards ready (remember those, came with gum?)

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