Farmville
Pierced Through the Heart

Earlobotomy

Guess what! You guys! You wanna know what I'm doing this weekend? Something I've wanted to do for ages and ages and like, forever and now I'm totally gonna do it? 

I'm getting my EARS PIERCED.

Okay, so I'm kind of messing with you there, because my ears are already pierced. Several times, actually. I think my total was...squints at ghosts of piercings past on earlobe...five. Five holes. I got my ears pierced the first time in fourth grade, even though my agreement with my parents was and had always been that I could get them pierced at 12 years old. By fourth grade, though, I was one of only two girls without pierced ears and UTTERLY DESPERATELY MISERABLE. 

I wore those little sparkly sticker things? Every day? I even kept extras in my desk because they NEVER lasted the whole day and otherwise people would know that I was just wearing STICKERS and not REAL EARRINGS because I was totally and completely FOOLING EVERYBODY, SHUT UP I WAS.

Then at home, I waged a relentless campaign of begging, pleading and probably a lot of door-slamming of the YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE variety. I think we eventually negotiated a deal surrounding the results of my next report card, or maybe that was just a cover so my parents could get me to shut the fuck up about it already while still keeping some pride and sense of parental control intact. 

And so I went with my mom to the mall and picked out the most beautiful birthstone-ish jeweled studs and BLAMMO, I was a girl -- nay, a WOMAN -- with pierced ears. And oh my God, they hurt like all hell. 

Then the 90's...happened, and you simply couldn't show your flannel-shirted self ANYWHERE with just one measly set of ear holes. You needed MORE, and you needed an ODD number because that was the only way to demonstrate your ANGST. So I got one more, because that was all my mom would pay for. 

(Then I got a job at Sesame Place and went all hardcore with two more holes once I was of legal age to get my ears pierced without a parent present.)

(Problem was that I still lived at home. So I still totally got in trouble for that.)

Anyway! So why in sam hill am I getting my ears pierced this weekend? Because apparently I have the earlobes of an old lady. My first set of holes -- the only ones that I actually wear earrings in anymore -- were always a little on the lower part of my earlobe, and in recent years have DRIFTED. DOWNWARD. I am not making this up. The holes are mere millimeters from the very bottom of my earlobe. Any type of dangly earring accentuates the unfortunate droopy-hole problem. (And I will have you know that I was not allowed to wear dangly earrings -- INCLUDING HOOPS OF ANY SIZE -- until junior high

Not only does it look pretty weird, in my opinion, it also triggers one of my All Time Top 10 Irrational Fears: that my earring will somehow get ripped out of my ear and split my earlobe in half. Y'all know volcanoes are my number-one Irrational Fear, followed by getting caught up in a case of mistaken identity and wrongfully convicted of murder. 

Irrational fear number three? The earlobe-ripping thing. 

Anyone who has ever met me at Blogher or in person otherwise can tell you that I have little to no problems with personal space invasion. I'm a hugger. I hug you; don't mind getting hugged back. I like smushing up against people when photos get taken. But so help me GOD, if I think for even a split second that you are going to touch my ears or earrings, I will fly into a crazy defensive fit because DON'T RIP MY EARLOBE I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE.

When Noah was a toddler, we were eating out at a restaurant and I bent over to retrieve his toy from the floor. At some point he reached over from his high chair and touched my earring. I flipped out, slapped both hands over my ear and then completely lost my balance and fell off my chair. Flat on the floor. But at least my earlobe was okay. 

Okay, I KNOW. Why do I bother wearing earrings at all? Wouldn't just not wearing earrings be a good, practical solution here? 

I hear you. I do. But here's the problem with that: SHUT UP. EARRINGS ARE PRETTY.

So anyway, according to Google, the too-low ear piercing thing actually isn't that unusual, and it happens to a lot of women after awhile. And getting them re-pierced higher up is absolutely an option, at least according to all the wedding message boards I came across, because apparently once you're done obsessing over your dress and flowers and bridesmaids, it's time to start freaking out about your less-than-optimal ear-hole placement that could potentially TOTALLY RUIN THE WHOLE DAY.

Thus, I am publicly stating my intention to allow another human being to touch my earlobes this weekend and re-pierce them. Though I do have to ask: are my venue choices still really the same as before? Do I still really have to go find a kiosk at the mall or wander into Claire's and ask some surly teenager sorting prom tiaras to please punch holes in my saggy old-lady earlobes? Jason graciously volunteered to do it for me but I am distinctly Not Down with that. I told him I'd prefer a professional, whatever THAT means, though he will definitely need to come and hold my hand. 

OMG, I'm totes getting my ears pierced this weekend! Because I can! And because I feel like it and SO THERE EVERYBODY and my fourth-grade self is sooooo jealous of me right now. 

Comments

mrspooley

What they said.

And here's my ear story:
Being raised in a sheltered, Christian household, my mother made me a deal (until I turned 18) - I have to be with you when you get it done, and no, I'm not driving you to the mall.
So while on a school trip to Canada, where you only have to be 17, I got them pierced at a Claire's. And had an awful experience. I came home from the trip with only one hole. A week later. I let them heal and had no holes until 4 weeks ago. I'm still nursing the ol' lobes but my cousin convinced me to go to a tattoo place. TOTALLY WORTH IT. And I need a pair of drool worthy earrings to use as my first set when I get to change out the piercing ones for the first time. Suggestions?

Amanda

OMG, you grew up near Sesame Place and are now near College Park? Cause I went to College Park and now live near Sesame Place. (Is there only one?)

Yeah, I got the 2nd holes in the 90s (but was not cool enough to get asymmetrical or odd-numbered ones). But despite it being the 90s (and in College Park), I got it done... at the mall. And those 2nd holes never healed as well as my original done-at-eight-years-old ones.

Anyway, I primarily wanted to comment to say you are looking for an _earlobostomy_.

Superfantastic

I wasn't supposed to get my ears pierced until I was 12. Then I went and got an unfortunate Mary Lou Retton haircut when I was 10. Once enough people mistook me for a boy, my mom gave in. I never could get her to let me get that third piercing though.

Jules

I had my eight year old daughter's ears pierced at a tattoo parlor. Because here's a guy who spends his day piercing. Who trained in piercing. Mind you, not too many earlobes, but he was great.

chatty cricket

Ok I'm SURE people above have mentioned, but I think your doctor or even your pediatrician would do it for you.

Or you could be like my angsty teenage self and load up with an ice cube and a pointy object and do it yourself. And then hide it from your parents because you weren't allowed to get more holes in your ear. Just make sure you have neosporin on hand.

Lise

Fear of volcanoes is not an irrational fear. Trust me: I have a DEGREE in GEOLOGY, and I have learned all about them and their kind and I stay away. Volcanoes: A Completely Rational Fear.

Stimey

Would it freak you out if I told you that I had an eyebrow ring for a long time right up until my dog got her toenail stuck in it and ripped it right out? (Don't ask what the dog's feet were doing on my face.) It did waaaay more damage to the ring than my eyebrow, by the way.

I hear you on the low earring thing. That would stress me out too. Have fun at the kiosk. :)

Bear

am nine-thousandthing the encouragement to find a high-quality professional piercer instead of letting some kid with a gun do it at Claire's. For several reasons, including: better hygiene, better healing, and perhaps most importantly, a piercer will know /where/ to put those new holes for optimal, er, anti-migration.

emily

in college all of my friends were getting that hole-on-one-ear-on-the-upper-back-side-in-cartilage-ewww-gross. so i got 1 more hole each above the original set. because I thoughtthat was more acceptable. i haven't worn anything in those holes in abt 15 yrs since graduating. i don't want people looking too close at my ears because I feel like the holes are staring at them. they've never closed in. have fun wearing your earrings without fear!

Amalahalso

My sisters lobes split when she was 13 and accidentally put two backings in. She had split lobes for many years, finally getting them stitched and settling for clippies. So your concerns are valid. Lobes do rip. Yikes! good luck.

amanda

Sesame Place eh? I worked there too. Was not a banner summer! Still live about 5 minutes away.

Johanna

I just love this. You are a funny, funny woman.

Heather

I haven't worn earrings since I was eight years old, because my ear holes stretched to the edge of my earlobes within a couple weeks of getting my ears pierced. Ever since I've been terrified of putting earrings in because I'm convinced they'll get ripped out.

If only I'd known you could get them re-pierced, maybe I would have been more popular in high school. (Because you know those snooty popular bitches disliked me because I was UNDECORATED, and not because I was shy and slightly antisocial.)

From Belgium

The fear of splitting earlobe ( I once saw it happen and boy was it gross) is what keeps me from wearing dangly earings around my daughter and no she is not getting her ears pierced before she is twelve, nah.

Katie Kat

Dooood, my sister TOTALLY had the same problem, only hers actually DID rip all the way through (well, one did). (*screeches like a little girl - EWWWWWWW!*)

Anyhow, she got them repierced higher and all was well. Although, I'd always be afraid the higher hole would rip down into the lower hole, and then rip all the way through... oh... sorry... that didn't help did it? Uhmmmm... yeah.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!!! :)

Rachel

It's Monday, did you do get them pierced?? I've been waiting all weekend - I hate cliffhangers!!
= )

Molly

ZOMG! Totally one of my own irrational fears as well. We should have a party.

coach handbags

You have written an excellent blog that has convinced me to read this! Excellent Job!

Della

OMG paper clip braces thing - I had forgotten that until THIS VERY MOMENT. Thank you, Wendy!

The Queen of Hyperbole

I tore my earlobe when I was 15. And it happened in the stupidest of ways, no girl fight or ANYTHING, because I insisted upon wearing the heaviest damn earrings on the planet until, one night when I was on the phone with a friend, the hole just gave up the ghost. And I was left with a slit, a miserable slit, that I covered for years, like a biddy old lady, with the best-looking clip-on earrings I could find. But then at last, more than 20 years later, I scored new holes at the Piercing Pagoda. I went in the middle of the day, when all of the teenagers who'd be likely to mock me were in school, and got my ears pierced like a seven-year-old girl. And look at me now! Danglies and hoops, all the live-long day, without an octogenarian earring in sight.

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