Portrait of the Blogger as a Young Girl
June 23, 2010
Today's childhood relic, scanned and color-corrected and offered up for your mockery, is the very first thing I ever wrote in my life. I believe I have mentioned its existence before, though it turns out I had the title and some very important plot points wrong, and now here it is: Half short story, half children's book, half early experiment in Seinfeldian-like narrative structure of NOTHING HAPPENING, and yes, I know I've included too many halves there but I'm leaving it like that.
After the jump, I present the newly remastered and out-of-my-mom's-hope-chest edition of The Little Bunny Rabbit, by Amy, age 5.
"Once upon a time in a little blue"
(In a little blue WHAT? Oh my God, this thing just hooks you in from the very first page.)
(The accompanying illustration. Which MIGHT contain a hint, but I don't know. I was a tricky little thing back then.)
"house there lived a little pink rabbit with a little gray tail"
(Oh, It was the house. Never mind then.)
"One time the little pink rabbit invited her friend the little orange turkey."
(I so did not draw that turkey. My neighbor's older sister did, I think. I'm sorry, Heather, for taking credit for your illustration all these years. Also for calling it a turkey when it might actually be a chicken.)
"For lunch they had a delicious lunch then the little orange turkey"
(I was either a big fan of the cliffhanger or just a poor planner when it came to page space.)
"Left the little blue house! Then the little cat came to play with"
(First caps-lock, now exclamation points! So you know for sure that I wrote this.)
"the pink rabbit. After they played, the little cat left. Her friend"
(The little cat. FROM HELL!!!!11!!!!)
"Dindy came she took off her hat and coat. After they played Dindy left"
(Dindy? The fuck?)
(This, apparently, is Dindy. At first I thought it was a bit unlike me to draw a witch, but now I think Dindy was actually modeled after the Cone Head ice cream sundae from Friendly's.)
(It WAS a pretty big thing in my life, at the time.)
"The pink rabbit sat down in her chair and watched 321 Contact and ate popcorn."
"And they lived happily ever after."
(Our hero, pictured at last, with what I guess is her chair and popcorn. Or maybe a butterfly with an afro.)
(And now I can never throw out anything my children produce ever again.)