He Maded You a Firework
America's Next Top Toddler Sensation Idol-Type Person

Bunnicula

Jason caught another mouse* last week -- a particularly feisty one that scratched at the trap all night and kept me awake until I kicked Jason in the shins and told him to move it outside or shove in the garbage disposal or something. He put it in the basement because he worried something else might attack the trap and eat it off the back deck and WHAT A SHAME THAT WOULD BE.  The next day, he drove it all special to a big huge field far away from houses or office buildings or my goddamn good baking sheets. He turned away after watching it dash off into the high grass, but turned back around when he heard a tremendous SWOOSH...just in time to see the hawk flying away with the mouse in its claws. 

*I KNOW. Oh God help me, I know. The first person to mention exterminators or poison traps or very small rodent-sized atomic bombs is more than welcome to come over and beat my husband with a common-sense stick, because my arms are plum tired out.

***

In other Stupid Nature news, a family of rabbits has moved onto our front lawn. It will likely not surprise you to hear that I've managed to make a Big Whole Thing about this, too. 

We discovered the bunnies a few days ago, after we came home from a very nice family outing at yet another toddler carwash interactive fountain, and Jason found a baby bunny just sort of...lying there in the grass, in front of our house. Concerned that it was injured or something, he picked it up. And it proceeded to scream this horrible, terrible bunny scream, over and over again. REEEEEEEET! REEEEET! REEEEEEEEEEEEEET! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!

Its anxiety was almost too much for me to bear and I started shrieking at Jason to PUT IT DOWN PUT IT DOWN MY INTERNET COMMENTERS TOLD ME THAT BABY BUNNIES CAN GET LITERALLY SCARED TO DEATH THAT ONE TIME AND MY INTERNET COMMENTERS KNOW STUFF LIKE THAT, and that's when I noticed that there were more baby bunnies hiding nearby, more sensibly in a patch of ivy. 

And THEN I noticed the mama bunny had dashed over and was crouched nearby, eyeballing us with...I don't know, really big eyeballs, looking for all the world like she was about to fly at our necks and rip our jugulars out.

Killer-rabbit 

Exhibit A: Like this.

Rabbit-montypython 

Exhibit B: And this.

Rabbit-monty-python 

Exhibit C: GRRRAAARRR PUT DOWN MAH BEBEH YOU DEAD NOW BITCH

Jason wisely put the baby bunny down and we all backed away, slowly. The mother bunny followed us, like she was unsure if we still had her baby or not, all the way to our front step. I tried to help.

"Over there! They're over there! Go get them! And then take them over there! In the woods! Away from the road! This isn't safe here!" 

She didn't respond to pointing so I picked up a leaf and tried to throw it in the general direction of the babies, but it just got caught in a breeze and flitted backwards towards my legs. 

At this point, Jason, Noah and Ezra were looking at me with a mixture of horror and pity. They went inside while I continued to berate the rabbit about her choice of nesting grounds.

I gave up after...awhile and came inside. The rabbit stayed rightthere, outside our door, staring at us with the crazy eyes. FOR HOURS.

(I know because I checked. A lot.)

And she still hasn't left. Nor have the baby bunnies. We find them randomly crouched on the lawn; they scatter whenever we water the garden; we've watched them tumble headfirst down the cement steps in a braindead panic; we've even found them waiting for us by the front door. 

Photo (28) 

Exhibit D: OH HAI. 
  
And of course, their crazy-eyed mother likes to show up from time to time too. 

Evil bunny 2 

Exhibit E: Objects in photo may be more foul-tempered than they appear.

Most of the time, though, the babies are left to fend for themselves, which I know is NORMAL and all, but oh my God, it stresses me out. I feel like I'm babysitting, and therefore obligated to go out from time to time and conduct roll call and take attendance and herd them away from the road and open spaces, so I can now be frequently spotted outside in high heels, clapping my hands and yelling at things that nobody else can see to HIDE IN THE MUMS, YOU MORONS.

Photo (29) 

Exhibit F: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!11!!

My plan is to essentially harass them enough that the mother rabbit will finally be all, "screw this, we're moving across the street" where they will be somebody else's problem. Or until someone in the neighborhood reports me to the police as That Crazy Lady Who Yells At Her Mulch All The Time.

Jason doesn't understand my obsession with the rabbits, since they are very much a nuisance, and I've always regarded them with the same callous callousness in which I view the mice -- we had a couple get into our backyard last year who liked eating our vegetable garden and I used to watch for them so I could let Ceiba out and watch the high-speed chase that always ensued, which was HILARIOUS. (Though I intervened the one time she caught one because...well, EW.) Plus, I am aware that they are, truly, just rats with better costumes. But. Babiessss! Who are only thisbig! With wittle white tails! I can't help myself. One day they will be free to be hawk-food or roadkill, but NOT ON MY WATCH, ASSHOLES.

Photo (30) 

Exhibit G: Also, I fear this one might kill me in my sleep. REET REET REET REET!

Comments

Life of a Doctor's Wife

First, Bunnicula was one of my favorite books as a kid. But it ruined me on rabbits for good. They's scary y'all.

Second, I had no idea that bunnies made noises, other than snuffling sounds. I KNEW they were terrifying creatures.

Third, bunnies seem to be overpopulating our area, too... There are always two or twenty-nine hanging out around our apartment on a given day. Maybe they are plotting to take over the world?

Fourth, I am sorry you are still dealing with the Mouse Plague of 2010. Yuck. But I am still trying not to gag at the thought of putting a mouse in the disposal. EW. (Not that you'd ACTUALLY do that.) EW EW EW.

Suzy Q

Baby bunnies are the cutest. I almost brought one home from Tennessee once, where I was just visiting. Stupid little thing infested me with fleas. But still, sooooo cute!

Karen

Oh, do not get attached to the baby bunnies. We found a nest in our front yard one summer, and my son begged to adopt the "runt", and my husband let him...well, the son let the bunny out of the hutch "accidentally" and our cat caught it. It was nasty. And that bunny screaming is horrible!

Heidi T

No joke, but we adopted a bunny this past weekend and named her Ruby aka Bunnicula, but not because of any horrible tendencies - we just happen to do that with names of animals. We always mean to call them a nice normal name, but then it ends up being something totally else. The kids have even started calling her Bunnicula.

She is absolutely adorable and a great pet - she is litter box trained already and she loves to tease our min pin from our laps. The cat on the other hand couldn't care less about her.

Heidi T

No joke, but we adopted a bunny this past weekend and named her Ruby aka Bunnicula, but not because of any horrible tendencies - we just happen to do that with names of animals. We always mean to call them a nice normal name, but then it ends up being something totally else. The kids have even started calling her Bunnicula.

She is absolutely adorable and a great pet - she is litter box trained already and she loves to tease our min pin from our laps. The cat on the other hand couldn't care less about her.

Heidi T

No joke, but we adopted a bunny this past weekend and named her Ruby aka Bunnicula, but not because of any horrible tendencies - we just happen to do that with names of animals. We always mean to call them a nice normal name, but then it ends up being something totally else. The kids have even started calling her Bunnicula.

She is absolutely adorable and a great pet - she is litter box trained already and she loves to tease our min pin from our laps. The cat on the other hand couldn't care less about her.

Luisa

Oh my god, you are one funny lady. I think this might be my favorite post of the year.

Luisa

Oh my god, you are one funny lady. I think this might be my favorite post of the year.

Dawn

Love the Monty Python shout out. One of my all time favorite films. Good luck with the wrangling of various R.O.U.S.s....

LL

Hilarious- I was giggling so hard I woke up the baby who was happily sleeping on my chest. I got her back to sleep but I was a little sad she wasn't old enough to understand why this was so funny because I really wanted to share it with someone!

kari weber

How come you are always the lucky one?

Accidents

My partner ran over a litter of baby bunnies with the lawn mower.

Okay, so while he ran OVER them, they all survived, I just can't think of a verb to really describe what happened, succinctly. Our grass had gotten so tall (don't judge us) and the babies had been borned, and I guess they were luckily all resting in a divot of sorts that was just SLIGHTLY under the lay of the yard because though the lawnmower went RIGHT over them, they all lived. Of course as he was going over that spot, the mama who had been chillin with them DASHED out and scared the everloving crap out of him, and then he saw the babies and...he is still traumatized. He thinks himself a baby rabbit murderer even though no murdering (it would have been manslaughter, honestly...bunnyslaughter?) occurred.

But the mom rabbit just DISAPPEARED, for like HOURS while the babies huddled together breathing quickly because the APOCALYPSE had just happened, in their world. We had to go to bed, finally, with mom still MIA. The next day they had thankfully moved to some bushes at the side of the house and I didn't have to worry about squishing them on my way to the garden. Gah.

JB

Aww, I was the one who had said that bunnies can be scared to death (it is true, tho, unfort).

*I do feel obligated to point out tho that "wild rabbits" are a different breed than "domestic rabbits."

If you set a domestic rabbit 'free' outside, it is NOT free at all, b/c it is...not very smart and will 100% be eaten by another animal. (So don't ever release a domestic rabbit outside...it won't be able to fend for itself...if you can't take care of it, take it to an animal shelter). Whereas, wild rabbits have a little more "street smarts" (so to speak, lol) and (obvs) fare better outside and can survive.

Therefore - you don't need to worry *too* much about the wild rabbits outside. They're smarter/different than "pet rabbits" with no instincts.

Hope that makes u feel better!! :) You can rest a little more easy with these guys.

birdgal

I also just wanted to say that Bunnicula was one of my favorite books growing up, and yes, I STILL have a copy on my bookshelf, you know, for when the kids get old enough (LIES!).

Jenny

I know EXACTLY what you mean. Its that mama instinct thing. My husband found a nest in our yard while mowing this spring, (they didn't even have their eyes open yet!)and we have a lab with pretty much free rein of the yard. My husband made fun of me for trying to keep the dog out of the nest and doing the things the internet told me to make sure Mamma was still coming back to feed them. Sure I know I'm swearing now that they're destroying my flowers and getting into the garden (I mean, I can share, but when you kill the whole plant NO ONE gets to eat you stupid bunnies!) but they were just BABIES, they at deserved a fair chance! (oh, and I am pregnant too, so, yeeaaaah. My poor husband. I swear I only cried a little the day after a torrential rain when I found the nest empty and no bunnies anywhere around. And our poor dog still thinks I'm completely nuts. First she's suppose to leave them alone, and now its go get 'em?)

Sprite's Keeper

Okay, the bunny thing is hilarious, but poor Jason! All he wanted to do was save a little woodland creature and then Mother Nature makes it a snack. Next time, just set it outside with the bunnies and by next Spring, Disneyland will have sprouted up next to your garden. (And charge admission, but at least they'll take over the rabbit watch.)

Sprite's Keeper

Okay, the bunny thing is hilarious, but poor Jason! All he wanted to do was save a little woodland creature and then Mother Nature makes it a snack. Next time, just set it outside with the bunnies and by next Spring, Disneyland will have sprouted up next to your garden. (And charge admission, but at least they'll take over the rabbit watch.)

amy2boys

"I can now be frequently spotted outside in high heels, clapping my hands and yelling at things that nobody else can see to HIDE IN THE MUMS, YOU MORONS."

That just made my day - SO FUNNY!!

My daughter loved the Bunnicula book too. This post is hilarious.

Sarah

Oh wow, I can't help thinking I'd be That Crazy Lady Who Yells At Her Mulch All The Time too. Of course, just until they got into my vegetable patch, at which point I'd probably become That Crazy Lady Who Sits In Her Vegetable Patch All Day Holding a Big Net.

newleaf

You need a hippie exterminator for the mice. They will come and find the holes where they come in, stuff them with steel wool and maybe leave some no kill traps.

kim

Funniest. Post. Ever. The hawk! The widdle white tails.
heeheehee. (Not a big rodent fan, does it show?)

Sandra

Gah, I hope I NEVER run into any bunnies at my house...you're scaring me lady!

Cristen

Baby bunnies are better yard mates than raccoons - which eat baby bunnies, btw. I learned that the hard way when I came outside to REET REET REET and a raccoon munching down on a nest in our garden. I had all the intentions of giving the bunnies a proper burial, but it was raining at the time. And dark. And really rainy, so they ended up in a trash can by the curb for a couple of days until the trash guys came. Really sad. Raccoons are evil.

Anna A

Oh my hell, you are hilarious. Good luck with all the creatures?

Fakey

What does Ceiba think of the bunnies? Or does he only go out the back door?

We once had a dachshund that, um, removed a family of buns that had set up a nest under the lavender plant by our front door. One by one. It was horrible.

samantha jo campen

This is my favorite post ever.

Jason and the mouse reminded me of the wedding my mom went to in Tahoe. The bride and groom released doves. And then the hawks came. I think you know what happened next. O JOYFUL DAY!

Michal

OMG!! I love the Monty Python reference! One of the best movies ever. I was actually laughing out loud at work (yes, strange looks, did in fact, come my way).

KimAZ

"It's a bleedin' bunny!"
Thank you, Graham Chapman and Amalah.

Michelle

I HATE MICE! I was terrorized by them for almost 2 months before I broke down and called an exterminator.

Do you know what those mice are doing in your walls? Making babies! And those babies will get bigger and then scitter about all over your baking sheets! It will never end, AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Seriously though, a good exterminator will know where to look for them and will plug up holes with steel wool. You can tell them to not put down any sticky traps if you want. The thought of those freak me out, so we just had them put poison blocks here and there. A few days after that, I never heard or saw another mouse again! Horray!

liz

Geez, bunnies are dumb. I guess that's where you get the expression "dumb bunny". We have baby bunnies every year in our back yard and we also have a huge dog who thinks baby bunnies are squeaky toys. I've only given birth twice but I think I would have learned if I'd given birth the first time in someone's back yard and their dog tried to squeak my baby that I wouldn't continue to give birth in their back yard.

It's a pain trying to keep the dog in until the babies are mobile.

Michele

My senior yr in high school I had to walk through a field everyday where there was a family of bunnies who terrified me. I used to clap at them to get them to scatter. This field was also near where the stoners used to hang out before school. One morning they saw me clapping at the rabbits and I never lived it down!

Can you call a humane pest removal service to help you find the source of your mouse supply? There are a few here in Northern VA.

Sonia

You are hilarious!!!!

ECB

Jason is right. Bunnies are F$%&ers. One fall, my mother and I planted over 100 tulip bulbs in the beds. The next spring the tulips bloomed the damn rabbits ate every single one of them. I hate rabbits.

HereWeGoAJen

Maybe the internet should take up a collection for some bunny food? I know, but look at the cute baby bunnies!

ndc

Hilarious post; thx for the morning funnies.

CollegeAtThirty

One of my British friends just gave me the most interesting-looking for wild rabbit pie the other day, if you and Jason want to try your hand at a new culinary experience. My friend very strongly suggested using only wild rabbits, though he assured me that my guinea pigs may do in a pinch. Needless to say, he'd be very happy to be in your position, with dinner living so close by...

(And no, I'm totally not joking or being sarcastic/ironic/funny.)

CollegeAtThirty

One of my British friends just gave me the most interesting-looking for wild rabbit pie the other day, if you and Jason want to try your hand at a new culinary experience. My friend very strongly suggested using only wild rabbits, though he assured me that my guinea pigs may do in a pinch. Needless to say, he'd be very happy to be in your position, with dinner living so close by...

(And no, I'm totally not joking or being sarcastic/ironic/funny.)

SelectNote

Oh boy. Now I have to go all "Wild Kingdom" here... I used to have bunnies as pets.

If they're out hopping around and are completely covered in fur, mom's probably mostly done with them. Even if she isn't, they only nurse once per day, so while we think she's ignoring them, that's just how it is. While they're nursing, they tend to stay in whatever burrow she's made them, so since you're seeing them, they're adults for the most part.

Bad news is, they're not the brightest creatures- I think nature probably doesn't think too many will make it, and that's why they have so many. Dogs, cats, etc. will probably get most of them. Yeah, I know, merry sunshine.

The best thing to do would be catch up the babies before they get any faster and take them to your local wildlife rescue.

Good luck. :)

Katie Kat

Geez - what's with the bunny hatin? They're SO CUUUUUUDE! Our lab found a nest in our yard a couple of years ago and started eating the babies. I screamed and intervened and was able to save 3 of the 5. One was really badly hurt, and I called my husband and told him I was taking it to the vet. He about died and said NO YOU ARE NOT! Unfortunately, it died before I could get it there. But I totally would have done it!

I know... I know.

Julie

I always thought of bunnies as shy, sweet creatures until I saw one chase a snake out of our yard. Beware the wrath of Mama Bunny! Yes, I took pictures. http://www.flickr.com/photos/45749545@N00/sets/72157605250184854/detail/

Heather

Dear Amy,
I love you.
The end.

Holly

I loved Bunnicula as a kid and have been reading the books (who knew it was a whole series?)to my 5-year-old. He often now wants to pretend we're Harold and Chester. He even wore garlic strung around his neck to kindergarten one day.

Mouse

I am acquainted with the noise baby bunnies make, as my standard poodle made short work of a nest in our backyard. I thought he had a gopher at first (which are truly the worst). I felt bad, but figured he took care of rabbits that were genetically inferior in the intellect department since what mama bunny nests in a yard that reeks of dog?!

Jess

My family used to have a bunch of rabbits in our back yard. We'd try and sic our dog on them and they'd always outsmart her. It was kind of funny to watch.

Dog: Oh boy oh boy I'm chasing the rabit! Yay! Come back rabbit

Rabbit: yeaaah no. I'm going to duck into this hole over here

Dog,(to the tune of ride of the valkeries") "Chasing the rabbit, chasing the rabbit....hmm the rabbit's gone! I'll go sniff some grass"

Heather Ben

holy grail rocks!

Big Gay Sam

You're lucky these aren't Jack Rabbits. They're larger and far more aggressive. :p

Big Gay Sam

I forgot to add that I don't think those are rabbits. Rabbits build nests and keep their babies out of sight.

Hares on the other hand, will raise their young in any convenient spot.

Jenny

Check out http://www.crittercontrol.com/officefinder.html They offer numerous locations in the greater DC area, with specialists in humane and environmentally friendly pest control.

Treeling

Ah, but rats are RODENTS. Rabbits are NOT. They are lagomorphs.

So, perforce, they are not rats with better costumes.

And even if they were, the clothes make the man, ya know? And the costume is SO much better.

Kendra

Baby bunnies are cute, even if they do grow up to eat all your produce. I admire them from inside the house, while my husband shakes a stick and swears at them.

And my 6-year-old just read "Bunnicula." Did you know there are a ton of them? He's now reading all the others in the series, plus the new series about the nephew of Bunnicula, or something. But how great that he just last week found my copy and plowed through it, then I get to see other people remember it fondly too--or at least remember it.

tracey

No one can fault you: baby bunnies are too precious to be upset about. It's when they lose their cuteness and breed 3 or 4 times before winter that you start to get a trifle pissed...

Tina C.

the bunnies are acting odd around here too. is it the heat?

Jo G.

You are hilarious. I read your blog EVERY. DAY. If you haven't posted something new, I re-read the latest post.

Today while reading another fave blog, I found a confession about you and your mouse problem!

My favorite comment? The one about getting a cat or dog! HA!

http://www.truuconfessions.com/channels/Mom/confession/555816

Liana

This post made me laugh! And then I made my husband look at the pictures and I read choice bits out loud to him.
He agrees that baby bunnies are, and I quote, "So stinkin' cute!!"
We have some near our place, too.

Also, regarding the title of this post, did you actually read those kids' books that featured a character named Bunnicula?? I loved those books! :)

Lisa

new reader here. i thought Jason must be your cat's name, and i was thinking, man, that's an awesome name for a cat! was a little disappointed to realize it must be your husband.

Crystal

This may go down as one of my favorite amalah posts of all time.

...now off to put on my killer rabbit bunny slippers.

From Belgium

Awwwww. Now I am jealous since no bunny will come and live in my backyard due to our fearsome cat. Which is actually smart of them since they would just be eaten.

hari

best best

best

Megan

Reminds me of the time I found a swan pair in the nearby river had a gaggle (or whatever) of babies. There were six in all and I was totally enchanted. I took a few pics and dragged my husband over a few hours later during an evening walk to see them.

Only instead of six, there were justtwo.

And then I noticed that this part of the river get sucked into a processing plant through a grate that they were swimming verrrry close to.

Nature sucks.

bessie.viola

Oh, I can't stop laughing! Bunnicula! I loved that book. I am going to have to secure a copy for my girl.

But that NOISE... OH MY GOD, THAT NOISE. The bunny-hurt noise is the WORST of all noises. Sends chills down my spine just remembering.

mrs. q.

Time to get a cat. Oh, you HAVE a cat. Er.

Oh, the catch-and-release hawk luncheon was so hilarious. Take that, hippie Jason, for trying to help.

Bunnies are adorable but man, I have had ENOUGH. Since going organic, our lawn is now 90% clover, which bunnies love. As well as chipmunks and gophers. They are so at home, they don't even move when we come outside. Sigh. I miss the foxes; they kept things in order.

Leslie

Your mother-rabbit seems to be... disapproving:
http://www.disapprovingrabbits.com/

You've done a good thing guiding those babies to relative safety.

Michelle Smiles

Okay, I know this has nothing to do with anything other than the 1 word title but I totally forgot about that book! That was one of my favorite books when I was in grade school.

EmRobb

Hi Amy! Have you tried purchasing one of those sonar mouse repellers? It's basically a small contraption you plug into an outlet that emits high-range sound waves that repel mice but are inaudible to humans. I can vouch that they actually do work because as soon as my roommate moved out with hers in tow my apartment was immediately infested.

Erin

Oh man, I so understand that. I had baby birds at my house a few weeks ago and literally spent ALL DAY checking on them. It was very stressful! I hope your baby bunnies grow up and move out soon!

Elizabeth @ Table for Five

My husband found a nest of bunnies in our back yard when we first moved in. He scared the bejeesus out of them with the lawn mower and one hopped out of the nest. He put on work gloves and put it back in the nest, because we read somewhere that the mother will reject the bunnies if they smell like people. A few hours later the mama showed up and moved them, one at a time, out of our backyard through a gap in our fence and into the neighbor's yard. It's been five years and I guess she likes the neighbor's yard better because we still see bunnies from time to time. So cute!

Valria

LMAO!!!

Seriously funny!

The mice have spread the word that its a safe place to take over as there is a no kill policy at your house.

Have Jason read up on Hantavirus and he may embrace the trapping (kill not release type.)

Thanks for the laugh.

Leslie

You had me at Bunniula. I loved those books as a kid! :)

Leslie

You had me at Bunniula. I loved those books as a kid! :)

Isabel @AlphaMom

Classic Amalah, for sure. REET REET REET.

Rebekah

Bunnies have been tormenting one of my hounds recently. They loll around at the end of the driveway or across the street in the neighbor's yard TAUNTING her with their evil bunny ways. She is a redbone coonhound and she desperately wants to go "play" with them. I fear her "playing" would end up more like "killed a wabbit, killed a wabbit" so I can't let her out which results in endless rooing and howling and carrying on. At 6AM. Which is awesome.

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