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September 2010

I got an email the other day from someone asking me if, by any chance, I was ALSO the author of a different blog. Like, a blog beyond any of the other four frillion sites I contribute to, maintained under someone else's name and life story, all sneaky-seekrit-identity-like. I cannot even imagine having the copious amounts of free time one would need to pull off something like that, and also the organizational skills. Like, is this the blog where I'm a boring suburban mother-of-two with a penchant for sucker-punching my readers in the vaginas at the end of every post, like "funny funny Star Wars run-on-sentence funny BAM! EMOTIONAL KAPOW! WHO'S CRYING AT WORK NOW, SUCKAH?" Or is this the blog where I'm a fabulously carefree 20-something in Los Angeles who blogs about all the interesting people she sleeps with and spells everything The British Way, because she thinks it makes her sound fancy? Or is this the blog where I'm a 40-something dude who posts a lot of Stargate fanfic and bitches about all the major dramazzz at this year's ComicCon? I AM SO CONFUSED. I DON'T KNOW HOW SUPERMAN DOES IT. Anyway. So I get this email and... Read more →


About 10 minutes or so into the Blogging Autism panel at BlogHer, the table surface started to get all fuzzy and my eyeballs felt hot. "Shit, I'm not gonna make it," I mumbled to Christina, as we'd already briefly debated the odds of getting through the session without crying. Nothing had even been SAID yet, beyond introductions to the panelists and the theme for the discussion, and yet there I was, hiding my reddening face behind my conference schedule as the weight of the previous days with Noah decided to drop from the ceiling and land squarely on my chest. "It's just been a really bad week," I whispered as my neighbors patted my back and scrambled for tissues, probably wondering what the HELL had managed to happen in that 10-minute timespan, because I'd all but floated in like, WHAT UP BITCHES, LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU WITH ANECDOTES AND EXAGGERATED HAND GESTURES. ALSO, MY SHOES ARE CUTE, NO? Just a few days before, Noah had a panic attack. A really, really bad one. And while we've certainly dealt with anxiety and freak-outs in the past, this was...different. Worse. Especially because goddammit, wasn't he doing so much BETTER, a few weeks... Read more →


And now the full story can be told. I arrived in New York with no less than 1,200 glow bracelets in my luggage. And two pounds of unicorn-shaped confetti. If I'd had my full control-freak way with everything, I would have been carrying 1,000 glow necklaces with me too, but Jason had a moment of common sense early Thursday morning and lugged those boxes to FedEx instead. I'd also, at one point, lobbied for driving to New York so I could have physical possession of 800 packets of Pop Rocks, 500 unicorn-horn lollipops, a 100 or so posters and half a dozen life-sized cardboard stand-ups of Darth Vader and Spock and the Jonas Brothers and our Commander-in-Chief. (All of these, by the way, I ordered from a coffee shop one morning during our power outage, spending literally HOURS scrolling through a dizzying array of posters, trying to find that perfect balance of GOOD pop culture crap and IRONIC pop culture crap. And then this guy was waiting for a seat and loudly bitching about how crowded it was and how rude everybody with laptops was being, saying something like, "I mean LOOK, some of them are JUST SHOPPING!") ("JUST SHOPPING."... Read more →


Oh, hi. I'm at BlogHer. It's exhausting. It's awesome. I just had to get talked off a ledge by a really nice lady in the Hilton Package Room, who cheerfully looked at her computer and was all, "Yes, we have three packages waiting for you." And I was like, 'THREE? THAT'S IT? OH SHIT. OH SHIT." And then I yanked out my laptop to show three dozen or so Sparklecorn-related delivery confirmations like, "BUT I HAVE EVIDENCE! LOOK AT ALL THESE FIREFOX TABS!" And then she assured me that you know what? Their computer system is kind of shit. Everything is there, after all. As usual, BlogHer is bigger than ever, sponsor-y-er than ever, and more overwhelming than ever. I had one of those panicked moments yesterday when I resorting to Fake Texting on my phone in a hallway just to mask my sudden terror at realizing that there was no one around who I knew, or who knew me, or who seemed relatively open to small talk with a stranger, and I didn't really have anywhere in particular to be and Twitter's gone Fail Whale and OH WOW I FEEL CONSPICUOUS AND AWKWARD. So I pretended to tap on... Read more →


I am feeling much better today, thank you. Not so much better, mind you, that I am capable of delivering a super-coherent blog entry or anything. I've yet to venture beyond Saltines, white rice and strawberry Jell-O, which means the best I can do for you today are some semi-deranged blood-sugary bullet points. Aren't you excited NOW. 1. Remember the tree that fell down after The Tornado That Apparently Happened While We Were In The Mall? This is what it looks like today: IT'S ALIVE!!!! No, actually, it's really not. A crew came by last week, hacked off all the branches, removed a couple of smaller trees that this one had taken out on the way down, and then just...propped it back up. And left it. You can still see the separation all around it on the ground, like a giant Christmas tree skirt, the only indication that this tree is NOT ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO ANYTHING, like it used to be. You know, like it was on the day it BLEW THE FUCK OVER. Things That Could Possibly Go Very Wrong Here: a) Another storm. b) Another EARTHQUAKE. c) Some goddamned wind. d) Passing texting/drunk/mascara-applying drivers and/or bicyclists. e) Birds.... Read more →


When Life Hands You Lemons, Just Barf Them Up & Be Done With It

Is there anything as heartbreakingly sweet as a child creeping up to you in the middle of the night who doesn't quite have the actual language to describe what's bothering them? On Friday night Noah tapped my arm to wake me up, babbling something about how he "didn't keep [his] mouth closed so it all came out everywhere all over the bed." I reached out to touch him and his wet, sticky pajamas filled in the rest of the details for me. (Wait, did I say something about "heartbreakingly sweet?" Am I high? No, I'm not. But I can explain.) So first, let's back up to Friday afternoon, when there was a medical disaster of the Fruit Sticker variety for Ezra. Only this time it was not a Fruit Sticker. I know because I double-checked for that. Fool me once, and all. AND I called the doctor. Who told me to bring him in, but in the meantime, to put some Neosporin on it. And what else is Neosporin besides, essentially, medicated Vaseline? Right? Totally. I felt vindicated. (Diagnosis: Some kind of abrasion of mystery, possibly caused by a very small fingernail belonging to a very curious small hand. You... Read more →