When Life Hands You Lemons, Just Barf Them Up & Be Done With It
BlogHer, Part One

Trees, Knees and God-Knows-What Else (Nonsensical Bullet Point Edition)

I am feeling much better today, thank you. 

Not so much better, mind you, that I am capable of delivering a super-coherent blog entry or anything. I've yet to venture beyond Saltines, white rice and strawberry Jell-O, which means the best I can do for you today are some semi-deranged blood-sugary bullet points. Aren't you excited NOW.

1. Remember the tree that fell down after The Tornado That Apparently Happened While We Were In The Mall? This is what it looks like today:

Photo (44) 

IT'S ALIVE!!!!

No, actually, it's really not. A crew came by last week, hacked off all the branches, removed a couple of smaller trees that this one had taken out on the way down, and then just...propped it back up. And left it. You can still see the separation all around it on the ground, like a giant Christmas tree skirt, the only indication that this tree is NOT ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO ANYTHING, like it used to be. You know, like it was on the day it BLEW THE FUCK OVER. 

Things That Could Possibly Go Very Wrong Here:

     a) Another storm.

     b) Another EARTHQUAKE.

     c) Some goddamned wind. 

     d) Passing texting/drunk/mascara-applying drivers and/or bicyclists.

     e) Birds. Fat ones.

     f) Vicious regenerating zombie trees of the apocalypse.

Things That Could Possibly Go Very Right:

    a) FRIENDLY regenerating zombie trees of the apocalypse.

Moving on.

2) I got a mosquito bite that looks like the devil. Or possibly a very angry bull.

Photo (45) 

Oh, come on. Don't pretend like you don't see it. Just ignore my alarmingly knobby knees and turn your computer screen upside down. It'll come.

3) Robots, take note. You are NOT WELCOME at Noah's summer camp.

Photo (42) 

4) Blogher. I KNOW. The pre-conference freak-out posts on other blogs start earlier and earlier each year, usually ending just in time for me to realize that:

     a) Oh shit, it's Blogher! and

     b) There are Christmas trees at the mall already, MY LANDS.

In honor of our 12th wedding anniversary, I am dragging Jason (hereforeafterever known as Poor Jason) with me this year, and to several of the parties. If you see or approach us, please to be prepared for:

     a) Me to hug you, only in a horribly spastic way that might trigger your instinct to protect your head, and...

     b) Jason to look at you with wide eyes full of terror, and possibly slip you a note promising you one (1) slightly used purse dog or child (your choice) in exchange for safe passage OUT OF THIS CIRCLE OF SOCIAL HELL.

"But it's our ANNIVERSARY," I said to him several months ago. "We CAN'T spend it apart. Blogher will be FUN. You can learn about ISSUES. And MONETIZING. And WOMEN." 
 
I won that argument, so he's coming. Poor Jason.

5) I don't really have a number five. Here is a picture of my baby going down a slide.

Photo (46)

I feel like there used to be a lot more slide, and I don't quite know where it went. 

Comments

Courtney

Actually, the bug bite looks like Tubey from Television Without Pity. Happy anniversary!

Samantha

I think the bug bite looks like an ostrich trying to put his head in the sand.

Sheryl

Sweet beans! Now not only will I look for you, but Jason as well!
You guys will have a blast. He's sure to fit in with the 10% of other men there...

jonniker

Shut UP! You mean in addition to finally meeting you, I get to meet Jason? SHUT UP!

(Dude, Adam would sooner gnaw off his own arm than attend BlogHer, because he's, a) totally anti-social; b) totally anti-social; and c) see a & b. Seriously, he'd CHEW IT OFF IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.)

Frieda

Why are robots so hated?

C @ Kid Things

Oh that's your knee! OK, because for a second there I was like MY GOD that thing swelled.

Sprite's Keeper

My daughter's daycare class has that same sign. Damn robots are becoming a menace..
Enjoy BlogHer!
Not going this year since my kid thinks Disney World is so much more important. And she won THAT arguement.

Megan@Blueberry Scones

Wait. I want to hear more about the robots, and why they're banned from the summer camp!

Megan@Blueberry Scones

After I posted, I figured that you - and the camp - meant actual toy robots, and not, like, a bunch of kids who like to do "The Robot."

Jill

I think it looks like Gonzo, actually. And I too was glad you identified it as your knee, cos I was getting all kinds of freaked out.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Jason should be up for some sort of Blogger Husband of the Year Award. (No way would my husband ever accompany me to BlogHer, should I ever grow the balls to go.)

Now go Benadryl the crap out of that bite before it eats your ankle.

Erin

That right there is a HIVE, ma'am. You, uh, might be, shall-we-say, allergic to mosquito bites. If, indeed that was what bit you. (And you wondered where Ezra gets it from! Kids! They help us learn all kinds of wonderful things about ourselves!) Benadryl might help it not be so itchy.

Mrs. CPA

I promise not to let any roommates of mine do a spit take on you. And I promise not to call you a Gerber puffs hater.
Anything else remotely embarrassing or possibly weird and there are no guarantees that it will not happen.

Suzy Q

Your mosquito bite is impressive. And it looks like a bear. A walking bear.

Now, I'm really sad I won't get to meet/hug you and horrify/meet Jason at BlogHer. Have fun!

sheilah

Hmmm...does Noah's summer camp have a real problem with rogue robots sneaking in?

Adventures In Babywearing

Oh my gosh, I didn't realize it was a pic of your knee at first and thought that was ALL bite.

Have a fab time at blogher! If I took my hubby he'd do all the talking for me. Hmmm... not a bad idea.

Steph

Judy

Amy, I love you.

michele

I would like to vote for the Zombie trees. Because, well, unlike the others, zombie trees actually are actually real...fear the apocalypse peeps!

Peace

My husband went to Comicon this year even though it was the same time as our 16th wedding anniversary. I knew he wanted to go so I bought him the passes & plane tickets as a gift. Unfortunately he loved it and wants to go again next year for our 17th anniversary. He's saying he won't go if I don't want him too, or I can go with, but who are we kidding here? I'll send him again just to be a good wife :-)

Anne

OH! Despite your devil-knee (EGADS!), I hope I'll run into you and Jason, just so you can introduce him to that stranger you met on Twitter who then babysat Ez. Ha!

Maria

Heh heh... that skitter bite looks kinda dirty if you flip the computer screen upside down. Just sayin'. (Oh I'm sorry, was that the point?)

ccr in MA

All I can see in that bug bite is ITCH! Ow ow ow... (wanders off scratching sympathetically)

Swistle

OMG for a second I thought your KNEE was the bug bite.

Momnivore's Dilemma

Your bug bite looks like an angry lobster. Pour some vinegar on that asap.

Diane

sorry-but I thought at first that was a picture of your bewb! And then I thought, wow, she's brave to post a picture of a slightly hairy bewb (not judging!)on the interwebs!

Moleskine Mama

Dude, that's not a baby. That's a full on BOY. (Sorry to be the one to break the news to you)

Elizabeth @ Table for Five

I see the devil/angry bull! ow.

If I don't run into on Thursday or Friday, I'm coming to Sparklecorn. Sign me up for an awkward hug, and yay, Jason!

betsy

I'm so glad you clarified it was your knee. I thought you had grown an angry mastitic breast on your arm.

mrs. q.

Oh, that BITE! I have to say, if that were on my body, I'd be freaking the hell out, since we live in the official Triple E capital of Massachusetts. Devil bites cannot be good.

Shawn

Met you at Blogher in San Jose four or five years ago! I remember Jason joined us for drinks...he's brave.

Still love your writing.

Alexandra

Oh, that is a hive. I know, I have 3 boys who are allergic to mosquitoes. Do you have benadryl gel or creme in the house???

tracey

POOR Jason, indeed!! You have some seriously amazing argument skills, girl.

Jennie @ ModernMamaz

I can see that. Robot's would totally disrupt the camp.

Tracy

I actually think that tree is safer for passing texting/drunk/mascara-applying drivers and/or bicyclists. When they run into it, it will fall right over. It's an idiot-safe tree.

Also, all I can say about your bite is "hook 'em horns."

Nanette

Re: #4 - I hope to get to meet you! Wheee!

MommiePie

I hope you and your mosquito bitten knobby knees and Poor Jason have fun at BlogHer. But will he wear the CheeseburgHer Hat??

Sunny

I totally see the devil/bull and wow, it's frickin huge! Which made me wonder why the horns...venom spreading down? Holy shit, I just got the heebie jeebies.

Which made me google heebie jeebies and it's totally in wiki and has several definitions!! I'm addicted to googling nonsense.

Sarah

Long-time reader (current and archives), not first time commenter but close enough: based on your descriptions, I know that I live and work farily near to you. So when you posted those before and after pictures of the zombie-tree, I had to show them to my husband (his first respons? "they were without power for 53 hours? we win!" because we were without for 98...but I digress). He wondered if maybe the deepest roots of the tree were wrapped around gas lines or some other buried utility so it got propped back up rather than doing the real (and better) work of digging the rest of it up and all the utility hassle that would cause. Not a good solution, in fact not a solution at all, but at least it provides some basis for such stupidity.

momtomomhealth

OMG I know we live in the same area because that was the same reaction I had when that tree went back up! Now was that an unbelievable picture when the tree fell from the storm, then I went to the mall as I saw them chopping in the yard. Come back to find the men had left and the tree was lifted back up, my oh my what are they thinking??? And how are the owners handling this? Hopefully today's storm hasn't done further damage.

Cincy

My son just wandered in to show me a bug bite--similar to one I had just recently seen...on your blog! So I cruised your comments to see what your peeps said it was. Aha! A'hive'! Thanks, Amalah's Comment Crew! (Sadly, his is just a blobby shape, no devils or bulls here.

The comments to this entry are closed.