Backwards Motion
Trees, Knees and God-Knows-What Else (Nonsensical Bullet Point Edition)

When Life Hands You Lemons, Just Barf Them Up & Be Done With It

Is there anything as heartbreakingly sweet as a child creeping up to you in the middle of the night who doesn't quite have the actual language to describe what's bothering them? 

On Friday night Noah tapped my arm to wake me up, babbling something about how he "didn't keep [his] mouth closed so it all came out everywhere all over the bed." I reached out to touch him and his wet, sticky pajamas filled in the rest of the details for me.

(Wait, did I say something about "heartbreakingly sweet?" Am I high? No, I'm not. But I can explain.)

So first, let's back up to Friday afternoon, when there was a medical disaster of the Fruit Sticker variety for Ezra. Only this time it was not a Fruit Sticker. I know because I double-checked for that. Fool me once, and all. AND I called the doctor. Who told me to bring him in, but in the meantime, to put some Neosporin on it. And what else is Neosporin besides, essentially, medicated Vaseline? Right? Totally. I felt vindicated.

(Diagnosis: Some kind of abrasion of mystery, possibly caused by a very small fingernail belonging to a very curious small hand. You can find out more details in my upcoming book that I made up just now, entitled "THEY TOTALLY GET BONERS: And 250 Other Things Nobody Told You About Mothering Little Boys.")

Anyway, after spending most of the day fussing over the Not A Fruit Sticker problem, Noah came down with a stomach bug, the kind that required our presence every hour on the hour, for many, many hours. Finally he lay shivering in bed and pleaded "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE," which: awww. And yet, dammm. 

Regardless, it was a good weekend! Turns out my children are at their most-ideal-most-charming setting while semi-recovering from illness or other NOT A FRUIT STICKER indignities. It was such a good weekend, I started saying crazy shit about having another baby OUT LOUD, which Noah unfortunately heard, so Sunday morning started off with him sneaking into our room very early and climbing up on the rocking chair while expressing his DISTINCT REQUEST for a baby SISTER, this time, because he already has a baby brother and that's boring, he wants a SISTER. 

And then he just sort of sat there staring at us for awhile. Like, well? Get on it, you two.

So of course, after refusing to let mysterious penis injuries and projectile vomiting fully remind me as to Why This All Sucks Something, I was way past due for a nice rude wake-up call of suck. Which happened, IRONICALLY ENOUGH, during last night's True Blood*. About halfway through I realized that the violence was actually making me a little queasy. Usually I just sort of bray uncomfortably at it, like HA HA THIS SHOW IS NOT TOO VIOLENT FOR ME OH NO, NO, FOR I AM A SOPHISTICATED GROWN-UP AND GAAAAH HOLY SHIT WHAT TEH FRACK.

So you see where this is going.** I came down with Noah's stomach bug, and then Ezra did too, almost exactly one hour later. Jason changed crib sheets every hour or so, in between holding the poor baby up over the toilet ("ALL DUN!" he shouted desperately, over and over, "ALLDUNNNN!") while I dragged my diseased ass back and forth from the bed to the bathroom and tried to remember to hold my own hair. Jason brought me some ice chips, which I managed to do okay with before getting dehydratingly greedy and deciding to drink two whole sips of the melted water in the bottom of the cup. This did not end well. 

So that was my night! All the way into the wee morning hours. I still am not feeling quite 100%, or even 50%. Pick something in the single digits and we'll talk. At least this is the perfect pre-Blogher crash diet? 

(UGH.)

*GEDDIT? Suck? And...you know...suck? Like vampires? Oh, shut up. 

**You know you've been writing on the Internet too long when one of the FIRST ACTUAL THOUGHTS you have while throwing up in a toilet is that the first person who says anything at all about pregnancy is going to get beaten in the head with a rusty shovel.***

***Way harsh, Tai. I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean that. I just wasn't exactly in the best mood right then, what with the vomiting. Let's just blame HBO's violent prime-time programming instead and make up. You wanna cuddle? I'm curious to know the exact incubation time on this sucker, for Jason's sake. 

Comments

Beth

blerg. I do not envy your house right now. Be strong! Soldier on! I have been in the trenches and know the sweet smell of victory. By which I mean air that no longer smells like vomit and diapers full of sick.

Feel better!

Leeann

Haahahahaha. I'm sorry about the illness but you are the Queen of making anything funny.

I bow down.

Kelli

Major bonus points for throwing in a "Clueless" reference while feeling like warmed over ass.

CJ

Oh what vomit teaches us... last night, 10 minutes after I got all cozy in bed, I thought, "that's odd, I feel like I might throw up. Hmmm.... maybe it will go away" and I close my eyes again. And suddenly I saw images of disastrous, zero notice pregnancy vomits. And suddenly, I was motivated to get up and do something about it! I fought it off, but weird!

Sprite's Keeper

I can only say, "feel better" and thank GOD I have a girl! Of course, you'll be laughing at me when puberty strikes..

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Oh man. Three stomach bugs in a row sounds pretty hellish. Hope you and the boys all feel better quickly!

Alicia

I had never read the "fruit sticker debacle" post and am now officially frightened to have boys. If I do though, at least I know to go straight for the Vaseline!

Lauren

Stomach viruses are the suck. I hope you all feel better and that it really is ALLDUNNNN now.

jodifur

Um, now might not be the time to tell you I had a stomach thing Tues night of the power outage... so maybe I had it Monday when you saw me and you brought it to Noah so somehow this is all my fault?

But hey, you could be pregnant right?

(ducking)

Mel

I had that exact same virus last Sunday and was still a disaster Monday. You'll be much much much better tomorrow, promise. Hate. Stomach. Bugs.

amanda

Ugh-nothing worse than the dreaded stomach bug. Feel better!

Stephanie

As mom of one girl (and as an only child with no siblings), I did not know until last Saturday that little boys get boners. I was informed by the mom of one boy. And I was shocked. I don't know why, but I was (and still am!)

Anyway, sucks about the stomach virus. Have fun at BlogHer!!!

Megan@Blueberry Scones

I have been sick like that. It's all I could do not to climb into bed and pray for death. I hope you all feel better soon!

Dawn

I hope you are all on the mend soon. I do not look forward to when multiple people in my house have a stomach bug. So far, me and my 6 month old son have just had colds at the same time. Also, I knew little boys were curious but I didn't expect it so soon (hence the 6 month old and his new fun "toy" he has discovered). I also was not prepared for the day at the mall when I was changing him and realized that a stand of my hair was tightly wrapped around his you-know-what. Thank goodness my hubby was there to help. But we both winced as he tried to get the hair unraveled and it just wouldn't budge. But when you pulled on the hair, it would make said body part shoot out pee. Thankfully finally got it. Yikes!

Karen

"THEY TOTALLY GET BONERS: And 250 Other Things Nobody Told You About Mothering Little Boys.")

I literally laughed propel out of my nose. OMG yes, someone should tell us these things. I appreciate the "he will pee when you change them so cover it" suggestion but what about the boners....OMG the boners!
In the middle of the kiddie exhibit, "mommy...it is haaarrrddd again."
ick.

Big Gay Sam

Wouldn't this be a great time to start the old famous gross out game..

"you know what's gross?"

I won't offer any examples. Not with your stomach and all. :p

LL

how awful, you poor things!

I tried to get into Tru Blood, but it was just too disgusting for me, and I LIKE to watch shit like face lifts and open heart surgeries on TV. What ever that says...

Katie

'And you know where this is going...' I opted for door number 2 - SHE's PREGNANT! AAAAA! And then I realised you were JUST sick.. haha. And the thing about kids being 'charming' when sick - I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this!!

sarah

LMAO @ "THEY TOTALLY GET BONERS: And 250 Other Things Nobody Told You About Mothering Little Boys."

Shelley

Did you seriously manage, in the midst of your illness, to get a Clueless reference in there? Impressive. PS. Is it normal for boys to get little bits of...diaper fuzzy? stuck to it? As my face was 2 inches away from my son's *ahem*, trying to figure out a) what it was and b) if I should try to get it off, I thought, "Aaaand this is a good jumping off point for his therapist."

D.

It must be going around because both my Sweet Girl and I got it last week. Me on Monday, SG on Thursday night. Girlfriend was vomiting every. seven. minutes. Both carseats got baptized in vomit, and I'm just cringing in anticipation of my husband's first complaints of a stomachache.

Now, off to hose this place down with bleach.

rachael

OMG crying real tears with full on belly-shaking laughter over your book title. For real, no one ever told me a 5 month old would want to play with himself and then would end up with a boner. These are facts mommies should be made aware of.

Jen L.

Oh, noes! Feel better soon, please. No barfing at BlogHer!

Also, baby boners freak me out.

j.lee

Hilarious!! Hope you feel better soon!

j.lee

http://pearlsandgreentea.blogspot.com

KTSchoger

Seriously, write that book (with reader contributions)...I would totally buy it. It would be one of those books that stuck out at you in the bookstore while pregnant and you saw it and said to yourself "Holy cow, I only know about 15 things about penis's, I wonder what the other 235 are. I need to get this." At least, I would think that, or something similar.

Hope you (and the boys, but mostly you, b/c you are going through my worst nightmare right now) feel better quickly.

tracey

Only Amy can make puking such an engaging story...

Hope it's GONE by now. And that Jason escapes its wrath.

robin

Ha! "Way harsh Tai." Almost peed myself. Clueless ref. gets this post bonus points.

Swiggy

I wanna know what a "not a fruit sticker" ailment entails.

Hope everyone's back to 100% soon.

Debbie S.

When my now 21 y.o. was about three, he told me he had a "magic penis"...I asked him what a magic penis was, and how did he know his was one...He proceeded to pull his underwear down and went to the coffee table(which was exactly penis-high to a 3 y.o.)and said "If you wub you penis on the taybu, it gwows, so it's magic"!!!
Gotta love those boys and their built in toys!!

Alissa

Hope your're feeling much better.

ccr in MA

My mother watched the True Blood series for a while (we both love the books), but recently told me it's just too violent for her. Makes me think I'll never watch it, ugh. In this case, I think reading the book and having the limits of my imagination protect me is a good thing.

I was sick a week ago, and OMG did I ever want to be "all dun" with the throwing up part, as well as the feeling like I was going to throw up, but not quite throwing up part. Hope you (all) feel better soon!

Jackie

Oh, poor Ezra! I think that's the saddest thing I've ever read...when I get sick, all I can think is ALL DONE too, little man.

Melissa

***Way harsh, Tai.

so love you for that.

Kate

Well, sh*t. Mothereffers who wrote the Friendly! And Totally Intimidating! BlogHer 2010 Guide! totally left out that diet.

Jennie @ ModernMamaz

You KNOW you've been writing on the internet too long when writing on the internet in any sense comes up while blowing chunks into the porcelain god.

From Belgium

Since I now have two lovely daughters I will not be buying your book. Sorry.

statia

Seriously. Every time my son would get a hard on, he'd say his pee pee hurt. And having language issues, I don't have the wherewithal to explain erections to him.

And also, is it not so frustrating when they can't explain to you and don't quite know what they understand? I've been barfed on so many times because I never know if "my mouth hurts," means he's going to vomit, until I'm wearing it.

Jessica McFadden  - A Parent in Silver Spring

I hope you're feeling better. I hate when we get the quadruple play barfies and skitters here too. It's hell.

BTW I wanted to comment way back when that your son's happiness about the Up house in that video got me so excited and then a tear came to my eye with that Pixar music and I'm probably about to get my period but dude, he's just the most awesome kid ever.

OF course, I couldn't write that there b/c all the craftastic chicks were all waa-waa-waaa.

mary

OMg the "ALL DUNNNN" reference (which I can totally hear my daughter also doing) made me laugh out loud at my desk for several minutes, pause, and laugh again. I'm just lucky everyone else is out right now, or I'd have some serious 'splainin to do. thanks for the chuckle on an otherwise bleary day. hope you are all better soooooooonnnnn!

statia

So you won't be all running for the door when I approach you like, "OH EM GEE, YOUR SON AND MY SON ARE EXACTLY THE SAME LET'S BE BFF'S AND DO A PLAYDATE NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN PHILLY."

No? Good.

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