This Post is the Blogging Equivalent to a Set of Shiny Keys
The Last Year of the One-Handed "This Many"

Boom

I am getting REALLY sick of being so goddamned right all the time.

I knew chemotherapy would be rough on my dad. I knew his doctor was pumping him full of horseshit by saying crap like, "You're gonna feel better after just one session!" My vote was hospice, not chemo, for better, more peaceful time, not more-at-any-miserable-wretched-cost time. 

But I also knew that someone else's cancer is not a democracy. He wanted the chemo. The more. So I just hoped it wouldn't be as bad as I feared.

It was so bad they had to halt treatment just hours in because his reaction was so violent. They tinkered and restarted, but it was still so bad that by the time my mother picked him up (she couldn't handle staying there, because HER reaction to seeing other people going through it was also pretty violent, in its own way), he was running a high fever and covered in vomit. 

Within hours he was running a fever of over 103 and in an ambulance, headed to the ER. 

"Huh," his doctor said, when my mom called to find out if she should call 911. "Yeah." 

His platelets were down to 10. His hemoglobin was at 7. He was bleeding internally. He was given a private nurse IN THE ER, and it sure as hell wasn't because they were lacking patients elsewhere. 

Tranfusions. CAT scan. Up to ICU. Chemo session #2 was canceled, though he continued to insist that he wanted to keep going, because he continued to amaze everyone around him by not being at all as sickly as someone as sick as he is should be.  "Okay, we'll call it postponed, then."

Then, after all the little firecrackers that startled and alarmed, the bomb dropped: His spleen is enlarged, which means the cancer is officially Stage 4.

It was Stage 3 last week. LAST WEEK. 

That was the week I talked a good game about better time, instead of more. 

Cancer is calling my bluff. 

Comments

Katrina

Love, and prayers.

the grumbles

my heart is breaking for you. go punch something and then we can hug it out.

Anna Marie

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.

Tracy

Fuck Cancer. My Dad passed on Saturday.... I feel for you and what you and your family are going through. HUGS

Kristin

I am so, so sorry. There are just no other words.

leeann


Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

I didn't think my heart could hurt so much for someone I haven't met,
but I feel as if I just got punched in the gut.

I'm so sorry.

Jen

I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Giant hugs and prayers for you all.

Maggie

Amy,
All my thoughts and prayers are with you this week. Send big hugs and kisses to your parents from me.

OurLittleAshley

God.

I'm crying for you. For him. For Noah & Ezra.

I'm sorry.

Brenda

God. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something more concrete than pray for you and your family, but you're too far for casseroles. So pray I will.

Jessie

I am so sorry you all have to go through this. Many prayers and hugs are being sent your way.

Daisy

Wish there was something more I could do than offer my prayers & good thoughts, but as it is the only thing I can think of, I offer them with an open heart.

kdiddy

Much love to you all. And please please please let us know if we can help. I'm O negative! I have blood to give!

@tiffany

I have no words of wisdom, only, as Katrina said, my love and prayers.

Mel

Oh, fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I am so sorry, Amy.

LizScott

Oh, honey. I am so sorry.

Lori

Crap. F-ing cancer. Praying for you and your family.

Sarah

I am so sorry. There are no words that are enough, but I am thinking of you.

FUCK CANCER.

Mo

Oh Amy.

Heather

Fuck cancer is right.

I'm so so sorry- you all are in my prayers!

Redneck Mommy

Fuck Amy. Stage four.

I feel sick. I can't imagine how you must feel. I wish I could help. Sending you some emotional strength because it's the only thing I have. xo

Bethany

I'm so sorry. Tons of prayers for you.

jodifur

I'm just so sorry. And I wish there was more to say, or do, to make this better.

Starbuck

I didn't respond to your tweets last night but you and your dad and mon were on my mind all night. I will save my ranting about what kind of doctor would suggest, let alone allow, someone in as poor overall health as your dad do chemo for another time. You will be in my thoughts all day.

Shannon

I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers

B

Damn doctors...

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Michele

I am so very sorry, my family has traveled down this same path. Sending prayers for strength, grace and peace for all of you.

Sam

I am so sorry, Amy. I hate that you were right, if you know what I mean. (I mean, of course you were right!) But I know you love your daddy, and I hope you spend as much time as you can with him. And can we wish a karate-chop on your dad's stupid doctor?

Becky

Thinking of you - hang in there.

Lori

Fuck. FUCK. I want to punch the walls in your behalf.

Jae

Hugs and good thoughts your way.

Also, fuck cancer. Fuck it right in its cancer-y fuck cancer-spot. *hmph*

Eliza

Hugs to you and your family, your mom and your dad.

Hannah

Oh, I was so afraid something like this would happen. Fuck cancer indeed.

Heather/Cobblestone

Dear Cosmos,

There is a beautiful funny woman that I have read on the internet forever. She has a deep glowing love for her father which is obvious in every word she writes. I humbly ask that the awful, terrifying path that she is walking with her family, and particularly her father, be smoothed. May the answers be clear and bring a fragile peace to their lives. Please find the time for everything that is necessary and protect them from excessive, avoidable pain. I hold them all in my heart.

Heather

Amy

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry. This fucking sucks balls.

Melanie

Amy,
I've been where you are and it sucks! Just know that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of prayers up. Hugs to you and your family.

Deidra

Amy,

As someone who is going through "more" time because my mother-in-law doesn't have an option of better time, I assure you that better time is the BEST time. Visit and love and reminisce. I am so sorry that you have to go through this painful process.

Diane

Dammit, cancer. DAMMIT.

Julie @ The Mom Slant

Amy, I'm so sorry. How horrific.

Wishing you strength.

MS

Damn-cancer is such an asshole! Sorry about this latest development Amy (and family). I'll be thinking of you all.

(I'd also like to poke that Dr. in the eye with a sharp stick for all the sunshine promises, just sayin'. If you need someone to do that, let me know).

Denise

I am so sorry for you and your family. Cancer sucks so bad, and it's taken both my mother and my step-father, so I am feeling your hurt. *hugs*

parodie

Oh amalah, I am so, so sorry.

Heather

Well shit.

I am so sorry. God I hate cancer.

I wish I could say something that mattered.

liz

Thinking of your family and sending love and prayers.

I'm so sorry. So very very sorry.

Jess

Sending love.

heidi

I have no words so I'll just say you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

shriek house

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you often, and sending wishes for comfort and peace for all of youl

C @ Kid Things

I am so, so sorry. And your dad is obviously fighting SO hard. Fuck cancer. You've all been in my thoughts.

Valerie

Thinking of you.

Susan

I am so, so sorry. Fuck cancer, indeed. ((hugs))

jody

Trying not to cry so that I can get my kid off to preschool on time. Wish I could sit here and type you a heartfelt email instead. Checked your blog right before bed and now before breakfast...wishing the updates were better. Sending hugs and swearing up a storm inside my head (trying to spare 4 year old and one year old...) Thinking of you and your family.

schni

I'm so, so sorry. There are no words. You're in my thoughts.

Dr. Maureen

Oh, Amy. Many prayers. Fucking fuck cancer. I'm so so sorry.

susan

I just prayed for peace and happy moments together for you and your family. Love each other. My thoughts are with you.

Jessie Mae

Oh dear. My thoughts are with you and your family.

tara

My heart hurts just reading this, I can't imagine living it. Peace and strength to you and your family.

Michelle

I'm so sorry for you and your family. My prayers are with you.

Jennifer

Ditto to everything above.

I wish there was something more, something BETTER than "I'm sorry" but I know there's not.

Please know there are many of us out here in the Interwebs thinking of you.

schmutzie

Amy, I am so freaking sorry that this thing is moving so fast, or happening at all. If it helps in any way, know that you are in mine and Aidan's thoughts and hearts.

kellyannecat

Sending you love.

Christina

I am sorry... cancer man. It is pure evil. I have seen so many beautiful wonderful amazing people go from this earth due to it. I am sorry.

You need to visit this web site: www.letsfcancer.com. I want one those t-shirts!!! They say it best.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

katie

I wish I could change all of this for you Amy, I really do. Fuck cancer.

Melissa

My God.

I am so sorry, Amy. So very sorry.

Angella

I don't know what to say, other than that I'm sorry.

Hugs and more hugs.

Sprite's Keeper

Prayers and rest for your dad, prayers and support for the rest of you.

schoolofmom

Oh God. I am so very sorry.

Stacy

Cancer just doesn't play nice at all. Holding you in the light,

sm

duchessbelle

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Katie

I wish someone would kick that doctor up the ass from your teh internets' friends - that would be one helluva painful reminder of how to talk to patients and their families. I am sorry you have to be going through this. I hope the Cosmos will get Heather's letter.

Leandra

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I wish you weren't right. {{hugs}}

April

So sorry to hear this sad news. My mother passed away in February from an autoimmune liver disease. She dealt with it for 14 years, even had a transplant once only to have it come back. This may sound cruel, but I do hope that for you and your family's sake that this doesn't drag on. I know how that feels. The last year of my mother's life was a big giant blur of not much of anything for me - just constant worry of when "it" was going to happen. Try and focus on what sweet time you do have left with him and I'll be thinking of you.

Krista

I am so very sorry.

Kathryn

I'm sorry, Amy. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you.

sheilah

Oh man...that sucks so bad. Certainly this is one time where you would have been skip-down-the-road joyful to be wrong. My heart breaks for your family.

Marianne

Oh, Amy.

Fuck cancer.

Thinking of you and yours often.

Snarky Mommy

I am really, really sorry. Have you read the recent New Yorker article about end-of-life care and how hospice can actually extend lives because the patients are more comfortable? Not sure if it's good read right now for you, but if you're interested, here's the link: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande

The New Girl

Amy, this is almost exactly what happened to my mom.

Almost exactly.

Thinking of you and your family. Sending love.

Kori

I'm so so sorry.

lindsey

I'm so sorry, Amy. ((e-hugs))

sharon

So sorry the chemo has done what you feared. My hopes now are for a peaceful end. Cherish every minute you can, all of us out here in the web will be thinking of you.

Jackie

De-lurking to give you a big (((hug)))

Kacey

I'm so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

G.G.R

Sounds like your dad is in denial. He's cheated death so many times, maybe he just doesn't believe it can actually happen to him. I am so sorry. So so sorry.

Jen

I'm so sorry. Love and prayers. And strength for you and your family...

Shannon

So angry at that doc for pushing chemo and EVEN MORE ANGRIER for his dumbass "huh." Also fucking angry at cancer. Sending lots of love :-(

Carolyn

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

Courtney

You have a ton of comments already, but I figure I'll add mine because you could use every ounce of support. This sucks, and I'm sorry. I hope that your family can find a peaceful way through this.

Meghan

Love to you and your family, Amy. I'm so sorry.

Bean

Just delurking to say how truly sorry I am.

Jen L.

I wish there was something more than good thoughts and internet hugs that I could do for you. Praying for your family.

Suzanne

Oh man. I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

bethany actually

Oh, Amy. I don't know what else to say except I am so sorry and I'm praying for your family. I hope there is more 'better' ahead.

Mir

Goddammit. :(

Go be with him, if at all possible. It will suck horribly and you'll wonder why you went, but later you'll be glad you did.

Thinking of you all. Praying for peace.

Ms. Huis Herself

Oh, sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. So, so sorry. Prayers & warm thoughts to you and your whole family.

Mermil

I don't know what to say, except to echo everyone else. You were right, and sometimes, it sucks ass to be right. I only found your weblog about two months ago, but I have grown very attached. What can I say? I am stunned and appalled by this turn of events-- I actually felt my gut clench when I read this, and it makes me want to shake my fist at the sky and yell at God for this, and for all the other senseless things that happen. Sorry isn't the right word-- I think sorrow is. I am in sorrow for you and your family.

Swistle

This is hellish.

melissa

I'm so so sorry.

O know your dad's cancer isn't a democracy but has anyone talked to him seriously about prognosis and time. About the way he wants to spend the likely time he has left? About what hospice does -- that they don't just drug you into a stupor and leave you.

I'd try to get his doctor to read this: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all

lisa

I am so very sorry. Wish there were some magic words to make you feel better. This just sucks.

The Other Laura

Lighting a candle today for all of you.

*m*

Horrific. You and your dad and your family are in my thoughts.

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