Time Enough
This Post is the Blogging Equivalent to a Set of Shiny Keys

Down to the Bones

So I have no intention of trying to fake it for you guys. I'm sad. I'm miserably, terribly, fucking-ass sad. Something inside feels like it...kind of cratered last week, so I have no defenses against even the mildest, stupidest everyday sort-of bullshit. I'm getting a zit! I can't find the nail clippers! Ezra only wants Daddy all the time and it hurts my feeeeeeelings. A kid was mean to Noah and I'm the one who burst into tears. Folding laundry dissolves into a fit about gaining weight and clothes not fitting and WHY BOTHER, MAN. WHY EVEN BOTHER. 

I wish they sold Xanax or something over the counter, because I can't even deal with getting my ass in to see a doctor. I had a mole removed last week and the effort nearly killed me. I'm supposed to get my hair done in a couple days and I'm all, "I don't want to goooooo, the receptionist is always so chatttttttty." I'm supposed to be planning a birthday party for the boys like, RIGHT NOW but instead I've decided to downsize the current goal to: "Get to the store and buy a package of cookies to send to school on Noah's birthday."

His birthday is on Thursday. I have like, two-and-a-half more days to make the cookies happen. I CAN DO IT. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF! AND IN MY ABILITY TO OUTSOURCE THINGS TO MY HUSBAND.

But I know nobody wants to hear about how sad I am. (SPOILER ALERT: Pretty sad!) Sad is boring! Sad is such a bummer! Sad is just begging for someone to come around and whack me with a dose of I-HAVE-IT-WAY-WORSE-THAN-YOU style perspective, like a sock full of pennies. Plus I sense that this whole "grief process" thing has yet another violent mood swing in store for me ANY MINUTE NOW.

So instead, I'm just going to try to post about the little things that manage to cut through the sad and make me rethink that life plan of going back to bed with a bottle of Syrah and a bendy straw.

Today's thing: Glow-in-the-dark skeleton jammies


Also, maybe you can include the kid wearing the glow-in-the-dark skeleton jammies.




I don't know THIS feeling, but I understand THAT feeling, if that makes any sense at all. I've never dealt with what you are dealing with at this moment, but I have had time when the thought of leaving the house and maybe having to talk to someone and act like a normal human was just too damn much more than I could handle in that particular moment. It sucks.

That is one cuuuute kid in skeleton pjs!


Am so so so sorry. Please know that you are MORE that allowed to be sad, as sad as you want to be. Sending you so much love from Atlanta.


I lost my mom three years ago to ovarian cancer. I'm still sad sometimes. I never felt like it got better, u just got used to it. Also, do get to your doctor or another professional. The Lexapro helped me to balance my moods a lot. Then I started coping with life. I still want to punch everybody who tells me how much my mom would love my girls. I am very sorry for your loss. You have every right to everything you're feeling. Best wishes and may happy memories bring you comfort.


Okay, here's what you do. You go down to the local Walmarts, and you get yourself a can of BEAR MACE. Make sure it has the picture of a bear on it.

Then anyone -anyone, anyone- that tells you you don't have a right to be upset, or they have it worse than you... You spray them right in the fucking face with that can. And you don't stop until it's empty.

Because I'll be damned if you don't have a right to be sad, and to write about it, and to not have to worry about bullshit from other people. There's enough bullshit - don't worry about that, too.

(I might be able to send you some sort of makeshift holster for the mace. I'm thinking. It seems possible.)

You're doing good. Really, really good. Keep breathing, and you're doing alright. Freak out if you need to - it's a pressure release valve for your insides.

Um, also. I love the jammies. Especially the heart under the ribs. CUUUUTE-uh.

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)

Oh Amy, you're allowed to be sad. You're even allowed to be sad here in your own space. Because this is your own space. I'm so sorry. I fucking hate cancer.

kari weber

Yay! That looks like a COSTUME to me!!! And a more obvious one than a small red robe...
Also: I would like some in an adult large please.


Glo-in-the-dark skeleton jammies = AWESOME. Any chance they come in adult sizes? For plump chicks? Because I am so there.

I've been (roughly) where you are. And a bit further through to End Game. And it's not ROUGHER THAN YOU HAVE IT, OMG. Anybody who plays that game needs smacked upside the head. A few times. And kicked when they're down, jerks.

You are totally, totally normal. Listen, if you don't want to get your hair done? Don't. You might suddenly get so annoyed with your hair later that you phone and take an appointment RIGHT NAOW and stride out the house like an avenging... hair... angel. Or something. And that'll be fine too.

Cookies for Noah's birthday will be awesome. *Don't* guilt trip yourself right now about how you SHOULD be coping. You are doing great, and it's OK to be sad, to be crippled by sadness, and to hide for a bit until you can cope. It's OK.

And we want to hear it, because we like to feel like we're helping, just a little, in the only way we can - by lending an ear.

Keep strong, do what you feel you need to do, and give yourself love (NOT GUILT).


I have a lot of those same feelings (grocery store is overwhelming, opening the mail is overwhelming, medical bills are overwhelming, cleaning house, etc.) and I've recently been diagnosed with panic disorder and adjustment disorder with anxious and depressive moods...due to a lot of shit that happened within the last two years. I am on two drugs and I'm starting to be able to cope. Not that it takes away the bad...but I can function for my family...and they need me to function. I know it's hard to get away and go to the doctor...hell, getting up for a cup of coffee takes everything I have sometimes...but it sounds like you need some help. I'm sorry.


Get thy some rescue remedy. It's like licking a xanax. It won't make you loopy, just takes the edge off.


Sad is normal. You are dealing with a whole lot of shit at the moment and it isn't going to go away any time soon. In the meantime the rest of your life still happens and you should relish those little moments of joy, that's what will get you through this. I bet your parents raised a big smile too at the photos of Noah in his super jammies.

workout momy

not boring at all. Normal. and something that (too) many of us can relate to. It's awful and it's like we are part of a special shitty fuckcancer club. And those who are not in it will tell you shit like "things will get better" or other crap that will make you want to punch them.

don't worry about the birthday cookies, just hug tight on that little skeleton kid and enjoy the smiles he and E. can give you.


Lisa V

Amy, your daddy is seriously ill. You have every right to be sad. Don't feel any obligation to anyone but yourself and your family. Bless you all.

shriek house

Sad isn't boring. Sad is real. People who care about you can deal with the sad. Don't pile bad feelings about sad on top of the sad. Because then you'll sound like Dr. Seuss, for one.

Also, one of those little upside-down hamster bottles is probably better for Syrah in bed than a crazy straw. Just sayin. xo


it's okay to feel sad. i have no other words, other than to say i'm sorry.


I lost my father to cancer when I was 18, I know that pain and my heart goes out to you and your family. I know it's not easy losing your Dad at any age, and the grief sucks so, so bad, but you have no choice but to ride it's wave. It's kinda like that second you realize you have a stomach bug, and you will be strapped to the toilet and puking in a bucket for the next 12 hours, it's awful, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

But I will tell you that there IS light on the other side, as long as you let your grief take you in whatever direction it chooses to. Eventually, there really is, I promise.


I am sorry you are going through this... And I know how hard it is for you, 2009 was that year for me too with my dad.

I just wanted to tell you though that what you are feeling, and how you are being, is normal. I know, it doesn't feel very normal but it is.

It just sucks. Plain and simple. It pisses me off, actually.

And as a long time reader yet first time commenter - your blog helped me get through my time last year - you reminded me that there was still some humour in life despite what my family was going through. And I hope that there is someone out there that will do that for you at this time. Ps - if being all bloggy SAD helps you, then go for it!


Grief is a rollercoaster that knows how to parallel park. The vigil your family is undertaking- the journey to help someone pass- is so hard.

Everything you've ever hear about the stages of grieving will be more intense than you imagined. The Anger? Yeah. I almost skinned someone alive for jingling their keys while digging in a purse for their phone The Day After.

The sad is.. well, you're there. But the denial can also feel blessedly numb, so use that time to regroup and rest your heart, and know that when it someday comes, the peace and acceptance can also feel supernaturally still and soothing and divine.. a certainty that your loved one is safe, free from hurt, and well... home. Even if you don't believe in a traditional Judeo-Christian Heaven , you will have a moment when you just KNOW, he's home, and that stage? That stage is good.

But by going through it together, you'll also get the gift of never doubting how much you love each other, and when you're on the other side of this, you'll never be sorry that you were there for your mom and dad. You'll never take your family for granted, and you'll likely not leave things unsaid that need to be said and heard and shared and offered. Some families never get those chances, that validation, and it is good, too.

To quote one of my favorite songs, "For all the sand that gets inside this world, we should all be motherfucking pearls."

You are a pearl. Take gentle care.


Oh jeezus you mean you're human?! I'd be surprised if you weren't sad. If I were closer, I'd be doing your cookie shopping.


Amy, you are allowed to be as sad as you want. And this is your blog, so you write whatever you want or feel. If you're pissed and upset, let it out...we are here for you. No one expects you to be hilarious all the time. We read your blog because we love all your sides!

And I so wish I lived close because I would make cupcakes, cookies or whatever you needed for Noah's class. He is so darn cute...love the pj's!!


The "so and so has it worse than you" stories NEVER made me feel better when I was going through a hard time. Exactly the opposite, feels like they are trying to diminish what you are going through. I'm so sorry you're going through this, thank God for the kids to help you through. That's what helped me--having to keep it together for them. Hope you can find more moments like the skeleton jammies to crack through the fog but don't beat yourself up if you can't.


We've been mired in a lot of suck too lately. I don't say it to indicate that we've got it worst than you, but more like, oh man, do we know both suck and sad around here lately. So yeah. If you need a drink en route or back from your parents the next time you go up, I live in Center City and as a result of the Sad and the Suck we have a fully stocked bar at all times, but I recommend you bring your mixer of choice. (Oh and we may be running low or out of Johnny Black, but hey! that's what the green is for.)

Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts.

Amy @ purewellnessamy

I've been wanting to comment since I first read about your father, but I was at a loss for words. I just found out--about half an hour ago--that my friend's husband was diagnosed with cancer last Friday. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. And that is just from hearing about my friend's husband. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. It's devastating on so many levels for you, your mom, your kids. Ah, I don't want to make you feel worse! I'm sorry! Try to check off at least one thing on your to-do list each day. And definitely get your hair done. Having nice hair always makes me feel better. Take care~


hugs to you. Seeing the picture of your dad....well he looks like my dad.... who I lost 1.5 yrs ago and I still cry.


This is your place on the internet Amy, and you have just as many readers for your posts about Happy as you do Sad.

If you never had post about Sad anything (even something as small as a hangnail) you would be unreal and clearly manufactured by some publisher, instead of the real, loving and feeling woman that you are.

Hell, I'm local to you, and I'd hug you if I saw you at the grocery store right now.

We don't tune in just to read about Happy, we tune in to read about YOU.



Sometimes you have to embrace the sad...wallow in it even. Besides - sad is your reality right now, and your gazillion blog readers appreciate your "realness" (is that a word?) - good, bad or otherwise. :)


It sucks. Big time. And we understand you are miserable and wish it weren't so. But it is, so we'll all send you hugs, knowing they won't make it any better but maybe, for a brief moment, it will lighten the misery just a little.

Katie Kat

I know a lot of people have been sympathetic here, but honestly Amy, I can SOOOOOOOOOOO relate to this! Not because I'm in your situation, but because I struggle with the same anxiety issue (like EVERY SINGLE MONDAY MORNING WITH A VENGENCE!). When I get to feeling like that, I don't even want to BREATHE. I can't imagine getting to the store after work or even getting through work itself! I know how hard it is to even get up when those days hit, so I truly "get it."

It sounds stupid, but breathing exercises have helped me a lot with this. I'd read up on anything you can about reducing anxiety - and also the grieving process itself. Talk as much as you want out here about how you feel and then don't read the comments (FUCK THE HATERS!). You have EVERY reason and every right to feel bad - REAL BAD - for as long as it takes to get your feet back under you. And hopefully, with all the love from your boys (all THREE of them) and us, that will be sooner than later.


Shannnon @nwaMotherlode

We want the real you.

Katie Kat

Swistle - the room in Hell idea was BRILLIANT (and hilarious)! I feel the same way! Just because other people may be worse off in other ways doesn't negate someone else's feelings or right to be sad/bummed/depressed, etc.! GAH that makes me mad!!

Katie Kat

P.S. Amy!
Maybe this will make you feel better (and hopefully give you a laugh), I was SO friggin' distraught after the finale of the TV show "LOST" that I literally couldn't stop crying for an hour, and then I had to call in late to work the next morning. That fog of sadness hung over me for days! NOT EVEN F'ING JOKING. :P


Many of us have been reading you since before you had Noah. We love you and your family. I check your blog everyday and look for new posts especially now just to make sure you are ok. What you are going through is normal. We want to hear about your life, its the least we can do for the woman who brought us deodorant gang wars.


There is a scene in the first season of Mad Men where (spoiler alert) Betty's psychiatrist tells Don that the death of a parent (Betty had recently lost her mom) is "extremely destabilizing". And that made a lightbulb go off over my head. Because that is the perfect phrasing. Our parents are our foundations. From the first hour of our lives we look to them to find our footing. So when they are sick or in decline it shakes us to our core. So add me to the ginormous chorus of people saying this is very normal. When my mother in law was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer I felt much the same way as you describe. The best way I could put it was heartbroken. I was heartbroken that this had happened to her, to someone I loved so much. And it happened to all of us too, her family. And it was awful and horrible and I felt so very sad. And that is a normal reaction. So you feel the way you feel. Blog about it. Like so many have said you've given us so much joy and laughter, now we can give back with our support and encouragement and prayers and good thoughts. I am praying for you and your family, so do what you have to do. We'll be here.


I'll parrot many others and say, be sad. Let yourself be sad, and we'll clobber any asshat who tries to judge you for being sad.

Also, cookies totally don't have calories when you're using them for medicinal purposes.


Just remember dear, tomarow is another day.............


You go ahead and feel sad. Because, like 734252 people before me said, THIS IS SAD. And a kick in the ass and so many other things.

I've been thinking about you and your dad (and family) and sending positive thoughts your way.


I did a yoga workshop a few weeks ago on depression and anxiety. One of the things we talked about is how we all think it's not ok to be sad because we'll make people uncomfortable, or others have it worse, etc. etc.

The thing is, when we don't let ourselves be sad, then we can't fully experience joy either. I thought that was interesting enough that the other day I let myself just sob my way through Oprah when normally I would be scoffing at the touchy-feely.

Point is, those who get judgemental and uncomfortable probably wish they could feel emotion the same way. =)


You know google actually had 'glow in the dark skeleton pyjamas' as a suggested search term. I think GAP/Gymboree or wherever you bought those should be paying you royalties.. I'm wanting some for my 6 year old daughter!

I just lost a close family member to cancer - funeral was Monday. So yeah. I'm passing you some virtual Xanax to help out, cause I don't have any of the real stuff either.

Elizabeth @ Table for Five

Honey, it's okay to be sad. Talk about it as much as you want.

Noah is adorable in those jammies!

Carrie (in MN)

Chiming in with the rest of the internetty world to say you have every right to be sad and to write about being sad and anyone who doesn't like it can go somewhere else. My husband lost his mother to cancer this year and fuck cancer indeed. It is lonely and sad and I wore sunglasses inside on more than one occasion - it might feel good to have someone pamper you for an hour.

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