My Natural Born Talent, Part Two
September 01, 2010
(Please read Part One, from yesterday, to find the much-needed WHAT THE HELL IS THIS background.)
At some point, while working very, very hard on my very, very important coloring book, I obviously decided that I was done with writing stand-alone stories about each of the pictures (either that or I simply didn't know how to tie the rest of them to JESUS GOD SON and/or the lovly Indians). Instead I tried to create a cast of recurring characters:
Translation:
Hi. we are best
friends. we play together
all (triple underline!!!1!) the time.
(we're also brothers and
sisters!) our m names
are; Kate, Jenny,
Sarah, Johnny, Minnie
and Flora. Sometimes
we fight, but we make up! Jenny
Let's us ride her
mule, Senny. Which we
like.
The
End
By this point in my young life, most (if not all) of my much-older half-siblings were graduating from high school and moving out of the house. So I was far too busy constructing elaborate wish-fulfillment scenarios about lots! of sisters! who would play with me! all the time! to ever notice or write any reasons why Kate, Jenny and Minnie HAD NO FUCKING EYEBALLS OR FACIAL FEATURES.
You see what I did there? That little "I'm Sarah" that totally ties the characters together and makes it all circular and connected and stuff? Oh, yes. And I would do it for PAGES and PAGES more. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW BOOKS ARE WRITTEN. FACT.
Translation:
Giddyup! Oh,
Hi! I'm just
playing cowboy.
I'm Johnny.
I like to pretend
I'm a cowboy
rescuing a pretty
girl from bad
guys. I win always.
Opps, gotta go now.
Its dinner time
The
End
Here we have a pretty good glimpse into the psyche of a little girl who knew next to nothing about little boys, thus dooming herself to give birth to an entire baseball team of 'em later in life.
The year is probably 1985 or '86, and I have already developed the cursive handwriting of a serial killer.
His horse is called "Wild Texaco. Named after Wild Tex in a movie and a gas station." You guys, I think this was me trying to be FUNNY.
I honestly have NO IDEA what I was going for here, but am pretty sure that Ming Ming from the Wonder Pets owes me some money for copyright violations.
Seriously. What the HELL. Why couldn't I have just scanned some embarrassing prom pictures like a NORMAL blogger?
Translation:
Oh! I can't belive
it! US! Kate, and
Flora! get to
see the beutiful
shooting rainbow
stars! right
by us! our
brothers and
sisters will
never belive
us! if they do
they might be jealous!
The
End
Translation to the translation:
My older brother and sister just went to see Ghostbusters without me so I'm just gonna sit here and color beutiful shooting rainbow stars and then cry about it, probably.
There are seven sets of parentheses on this page. SEVEN.
Translation:
I am rapidly losing interest in this undertaking.
Fuck this.
Yo, Kate, Jenny, Sarah, Flora here. Whaddup. We're OUT. PEACE.
*DROPS MIKE*
I don't remember presenting this book to my parents -- whether I wrapped it or made a big deal about it or was just like, "here, I have no money, Merry Christmas." However, if you perhaps are looking for the perfect gift for someone, I would like to point out that this exact book is STILL AVAILABLE online, for $2.50, which is probably what my parents paid for it in 1983. (Shipping will cost ya seven bucks though. Inflation!) I can certain attest to the fact it indeed did bring me years and years of enjoyment, right up until this moment right now. Give the gift of DREAM HORSES today!
Frankly, this is awesome.
Also, I just found my childhood blankey and it is in WAY worse shape than yours.
I don't even know where to begin. Genius, is what this is. Don't ask me to pick a favorite-there's just too much.
I especially love your use of the huge-circled-dotted i. :)
OK, these two posts MADE MY DAY. More, please!
I love how you called Johnny out for being tone-deaf. You obviously perfected being snarky at a young age!
I have very fond memories of writing fake communications between imaginary people in different types of handwriting and wowing my parents with my writing versatility.
Now I have the sinking feeling that they weren't as wowed as I thought they were.
But I LOVE this little expose. I hope you have more treasures waiting in the wings to share!
You are just so freakin awesome. PEACE OUT. (Drops mike)
Do I have a dirty, dirty mind for immediately thinking of vaginas when I read "I like her flower". HAHAHAHA! Thanks for the laughs Amy! :D
You know...you still do the parentheses thing, don't you? Started early, didn't it?
Now we just need to figure out when you started with the CAPITALS, MAN....
(PEACE OUT...)
I was going to say the same thing about Johnny! Man, give the kid a break, he's only PRETENDING to be a cowboy....
Also? Costumes are SUPPOSED to be that way. ;) ;)
Haha!, thanks for the laughs as always :) .
Thanks Amy's mom for being the kind of mom who actually saves her children's works of art and literature.****
****Hides own head in shame for tossing 90% of my own kids crap/genius works into the recycle bin.
Great blog 'o joy! This was hilarious!
Hilarious.
My mom has passed my wise tomes on to me, but I have not been brave enough to release them upon my masses (all three of them).
I do have to say, I have long been a fan of de Grazia (viva la Tuscon!) and your pictures really, *really* threw me off. My brain was all "eh....hmmmm.....uhhh...HUH?" because well....the coloring was just not, um, quite right. Then, you brought me back down to sanity when I realized it was a COLORING book.
Whew!
Thanks for flipping my lid. :-D
Oh lord. My sides ACTUALLY hurt right now. This is frickin' GOLD.
Jenny's mule? Made my life.
If you'd posted this last year you could have argued that you invented the new Old Spice Commercial.
http://bit.ly/cpvLq8
If you'd posted this last year you could have argued that you invented the new Old Spice Commercial.
http://bit.ly/cpvLq8
I started off yesterday being sort of thankful that my mother has probably lost everything like this I ever made for her.
But by the end of post two, I find myself coming around to wishing I could dig up my long-lost childhood writings, because this is ready-made comedy gold.
BTW I when I was a kid I used to HATE girls who dotted their Is with circles. Totally secretly, of course - I had a proper liberal upbringing and thus would never have revealed my terrible I-circle bigotry to the world. But having read this I find I would have had to have liked you, had I met you when we were kids despite the circle thing. To think - you could have cured me of a secret prejudice with your lovly Indians.
Oh, you were one of the cool girls who dotted her "i" with a circle! (I really thought that way)
I always wanted to be one of those, but I would forget until I was halfway through a paragraph or sentence. Then I decided it would make me look like a faker if I only had half the "i"s with circle dots...
Agree on the circle dots. Only the cool girls dotted their i's with circles. I didn't have the balls, the few times I tried I felt like a wannabe poser.
Do you remember paint pens, where semi-professionals would personalize t-shirts and all manner of plastic container, they would put a dot at the end of all the lines in each letter? I tried to do that for a little while, but it was exhausting.
Dude, I cannot express how entertaining I find your blog. I'm sitting here, in my office, with tears of mirth streaming down my face while I gnaw on my fist to keep myself from screaming with laughter.
You are an absolute nut, and I love it.
Dude, I cannot express how entertaining I find your blog. I'm sitting here, in my office, with tears of mirth streaming down my face while I gnaw on my fist to keep myself from screaming with laughter.
You are an absolute nut, and I love it.
(Don't be a hater). (I love parentheses). (Too).
Well, I've always WANTED to give the gift of dream horses...
Those drawings are amazing!!