Hey look! I'm LIKEABLE, dammit! Likeable! I'm having a hard time refraining from typing a riff on Sally Fields' Oscar speech that includes the word "cocksuckers." But you're all probably imagining it now anyway. So there. I'm done here, let's move on! So. Noah. Costumes. Playing dress-up. Not at all a thing he enjoys. We successfully got him into a costume last Halloween at the 11th hour when he suddenly realized that Mommy and Daddy weren't playing: There was free candy to be had if you wore one. Okay Earthlings, I will indulge you this time in your strange fun-sized candy-procuring middle-man ritual. THIS TIME. Afterwards, though, whenever I mentioned next Halloween, he would do some kind of dramatic fainting-couch thing and announce that he was NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. NO. NOT EVEN. Time went by, and he seemed a bit more open to the idea -- probably because in the wake of us cracking down with a righteous vengeance on food dyes in his diet, he's figured out that Halloween is his once-a-year window to fuck up his nervous system with all the Red 40 and Yellow 5 he wants because CHILDHOOD IS AWESOMMMMMME -- but he said he... Read more →

Honestly, I was almost shockingly non-emotional about back-to-school this year. With all of Noah's assorted stir-crazy regressions that started almost immediately after he was set loose in my unstructured care, I was downright looking forward to getting him back to school. Besides, he's still not starting kindergarden, he's simply going back for his THIRD YEAR of preschool. We've been calling it pre-K all summer to soothe Noah's hurt feelings over not going to kindergarden, like many of his friends from the private school, which was a mixed-age classroom. And to distract him from the fact that he won't be going to the private school again. (Cliff Notes to That Whole Thing: both private and public options for this year were in the afternoon, so we had to pick one. We went with 1) free, 2) close, 3) where he'll be attending kindergarden anyway, and 4) 5) 6) freeeeee.) But I knew better: same old, same old. I got him a haircut and a new backpack. That was the extent of our back-to-school shopping. It didn't hit me until yesterday, when we stood outside waiting for the school bus. I lifted the camera to my face and looked through the viewfinder... Read more →

I woke up yesterday morning completely incensed at John Cougar Mellencamp. That asshole had the nerve to get MAD at me after I called him "John Cougar Mellencamp" in my dream, because I simply forgot that he dropped the "Cougar" part, like who can keep it all straight all the time, and even after I apologized he yanked my wine glass out of my hand and and said "this is going to kill you one day, young lady" and then I woke up and was like, don't you judge me, John Cougar Mellencamp. For HOURS. Possibly even still now, a little bit. God. He was just so fucking CONDESCENDING about it. Anyway, after I woke up and had a whole imaginary defensive conversation about my imaginary intervention with an imaginary John Cougar Mellencamp, I had to start frantically cleaning the house for our Labor Day party, to which I had invited the local Mamapop contingent -- Sarah, Laurie, Jodi, Tracey, Charlie -- to come over and start drinking before noon. The party was a great success, if I do say so myself, judging by the two (2) recycling bins we done filled up with wine and beer bottles (STOP JUDGING... Read more →

So, this has been happening: Every night, they try to convince us to let them have a sleepover. Noah promises me that they'll sleep. Ezra closes his eyes and pretends to snore. Ezra cries when we take him back to his room and calls for NONA, NONA. Noah wails that he wants his little brother back because he looooooves him. Add in the fact that Ezra's figured out how to escape his crib already, and I think you can see exactly what crazy arrangement we are seriously (AND CRAZILY) considering. A big boy bed is imminent, as I really don't see this one being happy with a crib tent. So where to put it? Because I have a feeling this is where he'll end up anyway, at least once he masters the doorknob. I know for a fact that this is where he'll be happiest, because it's really only sort of about THE BED, if you know what I mean. They go to bed and wake up at the same times. Ezra takes a nap in the afternoon, but Noah never spends that time in his room anyway because his toys are all elsewhere. But this room is really too... Read more →

(Please read Part One, from yesterday, to find the much-needed WHAT THE HELL IS THIS background.) At some point, while working very, very hard on my very, very important coloring book, I obviously decided that I was done with writing stand-alone stories about each of the pictures (either that or I simply didn't know how to tie the rest of them to JESUS GOD SON and/or the lovly Indians). Instead I tried to create a cast of recurring characters: Translation: Hi. we are best friends. we play together all (triple underline!!!1!) the time. (we're also brothers and sisters!) our m names are; Kate, Jenny, Sarah, Johnny, Minnie and Flora. Sometimes we fight, but we make up! Jenny Let's us ride her mule, Senny. Which we like. The End By this point in my young life, most (if not all) of my much-older half-siblings were graduating from high school and moving out of the house. So I was far too busy constructing elaborate wish-fulfillment scenarios about lots! of sisters! who would play with me! all the time! to ever notice or write any reasons why Kate, Jenny and Minnie HAD NO FUCKING EYEBALLS OR FACIAL FEATURES. You see what I did... Read more →