Why We Probably Never Get Invited Places
Nerds on Parade

Crime & Punishment

I'm fine! I'm fine! The EVERYTHING IS OKAY alarm is going off at full volume, I promise. Much like our neighbor's car alarm two nights ago, in the middle of the night, to which we responded by getting up, muttering a lot of curse words before slamming the window shut.

The next morning, we discovered that another neighbor's house had been broken into around that time, along with a good half-dozen cars in the area. Including ours. Although "broken into" makes it sound more dramatic than the reality, because our cars were unlocked. coughMORONScough. Nothing was taken from mine, though the glove compartment and center console had both been opened and tossed around, but they didn't even snag my phone charger or the stack of Emergency Tissues. 

(Here's what a dork I am: When Jason told me about the break-in, I was like, OH MY GOD THE ERGO CARRIER WAS IN THE TRUNK DID THEY STEAL THE ERGO CARRIER?)

("Um. No. That wasn't really the kind of thing they were after, babe.")

("Well, shows how much THEY know, because that's a really expensive carrier and they could totally make like, $80 at a consignment store. I'D steal an Ergo carrier.")

("Just tell me you didn't leave your cell phone in the car last night, okay?")

Jason's handsfree phone thing was taken, but even this was no terrible loss because he hated it and wanted to get a new one, and he hated it because it was so ridiculously complicated and required five specific voice prompts to make a phone call that I do kind of get a kick out of the mental image of the thieves attempting to use it without the instructions and being like CALL PAWN SHOP MAIN. NO, NOT TEXT MESSAGE. PHONE COMMANDS. SYNC. HUH? WHO IS IT DIALING NOW? OH FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

So that happened. Also, I went to a farm as a preschool field trip chaperone yesterday. Guess which thing was worse.

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Since Ezra was coming along for the ride, I dressed the boys in seasonal and easily-visible-in-a-crowd orange shirts, silently congratulating myself on being so smart and from learning so many things from my years and years of experience at maybe doing stuff like this a whole three times before. 

Let's see. A field trip to a pumpkin patch. In October. Just a few days before Halloween. The whole farm was freaking lousy with orange shirts. LOUSY WITH THEM.

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This was pretty much the way the whole day went. Viewed through the zoom lens, with the sounds of my shrieking after them to COME BACK HERE BEFORE A GOOSE EATS YOU.

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Baby pigs.

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Baby rabbits.

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Baby chicken nuggets.

(Ezra's like, "SIX-PIECE, PLEASE.")

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And an absolutely mind-blowing, life-completing encounter with a real-life SHEEP, like OMG BAA BAA BAA SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP!

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An emu. They liked it. I distrusted it.

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This is either a wallaby or a kangaroo. I wasn't paying attention. Either way, I just loved its expression of fuck y'all, I gots a TENT

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At some point Ezra got tired and insisted on being carried everywhere, and I suddenly realized how ill-equipped I am for the reality of THREE OF THESE PEOPLE. 

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Ugh. Hell in a petting-zoo pen, you guys. Noah got bit by a turkey, but he probably deserved it. Much like that turkey will deserve all that delicious, delicious gravy next month.

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Frolic.

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Strut.

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Hayride.

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Trying to catch a decent natural-looking photo before he instinctively does that exaggerated CHEESE thing he does all the time now and...

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Sigh. Never mind.

PS. New post up at The Stir. Plus lots of great stuff at Mamapop today and while no, I didn't technically write any of that particular great stuff it will have to do until I can formulate a proper sentence about last night's Project Runway finale that doesn't disintegrate into HORRIBLE SEETHING EARTH-TONED RAGE. 

Comments

Becky

I loved every single thing about this post. HAAAA! Love it.

Starbuck

Looks like a great day at the pumpkin patch! Glad the Ergo was still in the trunk. Hope the burglars get hours of fun out of the hands free device.

Jenn

Our car was broken into two nights ago, too! Except ours wasn't locked, either. There was nothing in it for them to take but I called the cops anyway and found out it wasn't just us. The guy said it was probably teenagers, who of course will probably show up here on Halloween looking for free candy.

E @ Oh! Apostrophe

Ohmagosh those boys get cuter every day. I don't blame the turkey, I probably would have tried to take a bite too.

Suzanne

A friend's car was broken into and the jerks actually DID steal a couple baby carriers. Because the only other thing worth stealing was $1.32 in change from a cup holder. You'd think thieves would have learned by now that car seat = NOTHING WORTH YOUR TIME.

Ezra's cheese face made my day. Haha cheese face.

agirlandaboy

You will not be alone in your rage. Let us rage together.

Forgotten

Wait! Did you say unprepared for three? Did I miss something? *going to the archives*

sam

I had an old, sun-faded beanie baby stolen from my car, along with a free with purchase umbrella and tanning lotion. They stole my whole damn car, then left it in the middle of the street a city away. Assholes.

Tracy

I hope you didn't have any extra keys in your car. A couple years ago, our cars got broken into and we laughed because they got NOTHING except the change in the ashtray. Or so we thought. Turns out there was a forgotten valet key in the glove compartment and two nights later they came back and drove off with the WHOLE CAR! Doh!

Sprite's Keeper

We're lucky we live near a drug dealer. Everyone knows which house has the cash and ours never gets touched. :-)

Erin

Oh man, a couple months ago the same thing (car break-in, not farm trip) happened to me. Because I too am a moron and did not lock my car that night. I LIVE IN THE SUBURBS, PEOPLE, IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE HERE! Ahem. (Actually, I think my clicker thingy didn't click, it needs new batteries.) But yeah, they took my GPS, my iPod, my hands-free thing, my chargers, everything. Including my husband's library card and a busted pen. They left my lip balm.

Apparently it's the new trend in thievery in the DC suburbs. A lot of streets in my area have been hit over the past few months.

Mermil

Sorry about your crimewave...and as a recent chaperone on my son's pumpkin picking trip I feel your pain. Really, the kids could have just gone for a ride around the parking lot in the bus because they screamed like it was the Beatles the minute they got on. Once they got to the pumpkins, they were basically like, "eh."

Jen K.

There must be something in the air, because 6 unlocked cars were "broken into" on our street two nights ago, too. Mine didn't get hit, though. They either had their hands full by then, or realized that people in the 'burbs keep boring stuff in their cars, like preschool art projects, reusable shopping bags, and strollers.

Rachel

This post was great, the highlights that made me laugh (alone in my cubicle) were "I gots a tent", "Strut" & "cheese". Love the adventures of you & your boys. = )

lisa

Um is it too much to ask for you to start sending out thanksgiving cards w these pictures.

Liz

We've had 3 break-ins in our neighborhood this month! I'm a little north of you.

I love Ezra's exaggerated smile. He's adorable!

Anna Marie

When our cars were broken into a couple of years ago the first thing checked was the Maclaren double stroller in the trunk. I didn't care what else they got, but if that stroller had been taken I would never have been able to leave the house again.

Your boys are so cute - I can't wait to see what the next little Storch looks like.

JB

I also distrust emus.

Kathleen

I'm totally paranoid about my car now because DUDE, that's a $200 carseat just sitting there in all its cow-patterned glory... glad to know I'm not alone...

And the rest? Nom.

G.G.R

So weird about your thestir post because I dreamt I was your baby sitter and your house kept ROLLING OVER. Baby sitter chaos! Very weird indeed. But both your babies were very well behaved, except Ezra kept trying to go outside. And also YOUR PET SHARK BIT ME. Except a medical bill.

Elizabeth

I did the same thing with bright orange shirts a few months ago! It was summer. I thought it was a brilliant idea to dress the kids in bright orange shirts. I was so proud of my mommy genius... until we got to the kids museum and I realized all the other mom's had the same mommy genius. My kids where in the middle of sea of kids in bright orange shirts and khaki shorts. fail!

Sara R.

I did a pumpkin patch (actually a big crazy fall farm petting zoo halloween experience with moon bounce that all pumpkin patches seem to have morphed into) while pregnant last year and I'm feeling tired for you!

And I totally would've taken the ergo too. Glad your thieves didn't know better!

Rachel

Hahahah! Great post! Baby chicken nuggets? Trying to get a picture before...nevermind? You are so funny. Pregnancy has just made you more hilarious, apparently.

Nicole

You know what happens when you lock your car? They break a window to get at your worthless stuff, and you then have to drive around for a week with plastic covering it, making a god-awful noise every time you go over 30 mph, which you can't actually see through, and then you have to organize a trip to the garage, and pay the deductible, and...all for what? A freaking DIAPER BAG, that was tossed in the yard a few houses away when they realized it was nothing good. Too bad there wasn't a dirty diaper in there at the time! So, in some ways, you can say you saved yourself a broken window, and at least they didn't steal the whole car!

ladykay

What color was the barn?

Catherine

Uh, I know this was nowhere near being the point of your post, but what did you think of the farm itself? We also live in NoVa(just moved here), and I am already scoping out farms for next year, as this year's choice was only so-so.

Stacy

I loved this post because 1) it made me smile and 2) I really needed to smile.

Thanks.

Barefoot Liz

Love the cheese grin!
We get a lot of car break-in's here. But people here supposedly leave their cars unlocked with $10k watches and Macbook Air's. duh.

PaintingChef

heehee... baby chicken nuggets. WIN!!

beta dad

Geese are bastards. In general, I mean. Based on my experience. I'm sure there are some nice ones too.

Halala Mama

earth toned rage...amen. I'm with ya sister.

Crabby Apple Seed

I'm sort of hung up on Noah's chill attitude during that hayride. The hay doesn't send him over the sensory edge?!?!? Because *I* cannot handle hayrides, with all the poking and itching and hatefulness.

Amy

I support the unlocked car. The only difference would be that you would be paying for a broken window and cursing the missing fun of the hands free device. Clearly, this makes you the smartest of all neighbors.

Alicia

1. I was going to ask what color the barn was and if it passed Noah's test, but I see somebody already beat me to it.

2. I once got bit by a llama when I went on my pre-school field trip to a petting zoo and I will never trust those mother effers again. I only WISH we could eat them so that I could feel some vengeance.

3. Speaking of you having 3 adorable children, where are the belly pictures? I feel a bit deprived...

Britney

The cheese face just made my whole horrible week! You make pretty babies.

Jen L.

You're right not to trust the emu. One bit the shit out of me when I was Ezra's age. They're shady.

Kailee

I love the progression of the animal photos. Sweet, fuzzy, totally normal farm animals segueing to a fucking kangaroo. On a farm. In Maryland.

Too funny!

Suzy Q

Baby chicken nuggets. Bwah!

Sara

Last time my car was broken into it was also unlocked and all they took was my case of snapple that was in the back seat. They left the good stuff (CD player, CD's, garage door opener) and walked off with a multipack of Ice-T.It was very strange although it was on 4/20 International Stonners day, so they may have just been thirsty, who knows!

chiquita

umm... Spoiler alert! next time maybe not so much PR foreshadowing. tks.

Belle

Wait, what's wrong with the cheese face? It makes me hungry. For Ezra.

Heather

This whole thing made me laugh, but this line made me laugh the most: "Noah got bit by a turkey, but he probably deserved it."

Home Sweet Sarah

My best friend is a teacher and her classroom got broken into a couple days ago and she was telling me all the things they stole: computer, mini fridge, projector, etc. and I didn't really think anything of the projector, other than that it was sort of a strange steal.

Then a couple days later we were talking again and she mentioned the projector and said something about it playing movies...And I finally had her explain this newfangled projector to me.

Turns out it was not one of the projectors WE were used to - the kind the teacher had to wheel over and which had the light that needed to be adjusted. No, apparently projectors nowadays hook up to your computer directly and can play DVDs and show Word docs and spreadsheets right off your computer.

Anyway, I was sort of disappointed learning this, as it was kind of hilarious imagining the high-school brats who likely stole her stuff trying to sell a massive old-school projector on the black market.

Megan

Completely with you on the Runway rage - my husband grabbed the remote out of my hand just before it went flying toward the new flatscreen. Mondo! Mondo!

Jennifer

Umm, hi, name's Jennifer. Long time reader, first time commentor. Okay so jsut had to say you kick ass, love both of your boys because of your awesome portrayal of them. Don't think any parent is ready for a third, or second for that matter, I know I wasn't. And, oh yeah, when we went to the Fair at the beginning of this month my 22 month old son saw the chickens after I said "look Levi Chickens", first thing he said was "Meat!" Hahaha.

Judy

You'll handle three just fine, because by the time #3 is as big as Ezra, Ezra will be a big boy like Noah, and Noah will be something majorly awesome and mature and walking alongside you and helping corral the little ones. Then we'll be ready for #4!!

Danielle

Still laughing out loud about the Ergo and the thought of some random thief yelling at a hands-free device..Funny lady!

kim at allconsuming

Dude, when you have three of these the older two just go off on their own terrorising animals and being completely inappropriate while you sit sculling the vaguely appropriate beverage for the venue pushing the stroller with the wrap clothes-pegged over the top willing the baby to stay asleep.

And I can say with great authority that is a kangaroo and their expression is either one of fuck you or what the fuck was that noise. The end.

kim at allconsuming

Dude, when you have three of these the older two just go off on their own terrorising animals and being completely inappropriate while you sit sculling the vaguely appropriate beverage for the venue pushing the stroller with the wrap clothes-pegged over the top willing the baby to stay asleep.

And I can say with great authority that is a kangaroo and their expression is either one of fuck you or what the fuck was that noise. The end.

Rachel

I'd be worried about the Ergo Carrier too. Those things are not cheap but they are excellent.

mrs. q.

Project Runway: WTF, universe??

Kristin

Oh I absolutely LOVE that cheese eating grin.

Anna

Love love LOVE the strut picture!

Zu

Oh, I am so with you on the Runway Rage. Mondo COMPLETELY deserved to win. I HATED Gretchen and her boring clothes. My 20 Y.O. daughter hated Gretchen and her bland boring wrinkly crap too. Nina Garcia and Michael Kors must have been on some serious meds to see Gretchen's crap as win-worthy. Also I am freakishly mesmerized by Kors' eerie, shiny botoxed forehead - creepy! TEAM MONDO! Don't even get me started...

Zu

Also, Gretchen's jewelry was the ugliest garbage I have ever seen. I would not even put it on my dog as a joke.

Carrie Jo

I totally hid my ergo when I left it in the car last week because I was worried about it being stolen. They ARE expensive!

RHWKai

I can't believe the emus have prompted my very first comment! You're absolutely right not to trust them - they are Pure Bird Evil!!

Most Australian kids would have a story about their close encounter with an emu - one even poked it's head right into the driver's side of our car when my dad foolishly left his window rolled down while driving into a BBQ area...picture one man frozen with shock and three kids clipped into the back seat screaming blue bloody murder..

On a side note, is it normal to have a kangaroo and an emu at a petting farm in the States???
Looks like there were enough friendly animals to make it a fantastic excursion for the boys though :-)

ugg outlet

Your blog is so funny that I can not help to finish it front and back. It is of help during my boring work.

Sarah

Tis a Wallaby if I'm not mistaken. I tend to just glance at them from the corner of my eye as I drove past and hope like hell that this isn't the crazy one that hops on the road, making me swerve. Evil, like emus and cassaweries.

I'm trying to avoid going downstairs and locking my car, and we live in the middle of nowhere! What if they steal my sleeping bag? Or my lip balms?

Elizabeth @ Table for Five

omg, the field trip photos made me want to swoop both of your boys up in my arms and smooch them because they are so ding-danged CUTE. That's not weird, right?

My van gets rifled through a couple of times a year. They open the glove box, pull out the drawer under the passenger seat, take the change in the change sorter thingy. I purposely don't lock the doors because I figure it's better than having the windows smashed. I don't keep anything in it, and they've never done any damage. And we live in a really nice, safe neighborhood, too.

Josefina

Hahaha! Great post. I love the pictures. My 7yo son & I keep laughing at the last one.

Becca

You know what's funny? My sister's car was broken into a little bit ago, and the only thing they took was her Ergo.
She was devastated.

Esther

HAHAHAHAHA! "Noah got bit by a turkey, but he probably deserved it. Much like that turkey will deserve all that delicious, delicious gravy next month." That will make me giggle all day.

Elizabeth

My car was broken into (okay, fine, I left it unlocked) a year and a half ago, and all they took was my Maclaren. I would have worried about the Ergo, too.

Lady in a Smalltown

I swear the beginning of this post happened to me last week, except for the car alarm part. My husband had to move my car to get to his and he called me to tell me it had been "broken into" (it was also unlocked). The first thing I said was, "Is the Ergo still in the back? How about the MacClaren?"

Happy Halloween.

Della

But was it lousy with ATMOSPHERIUM, is what I want to know. (if you don't automatically "get" that, please disregard)

I've been loving reading about every thing Ezra does (is it acceptable to call him Zah because I think of him like that, or is that too internetstalkerish?)

Anyhow, I've been loving it because we're not all that far ahead of you (mine is 2.5) and so, yeah.

Re: Ergo... I may be slightly paranoid in that I typically put it in the trunk when I'm out of the car (at the state fair parking lot...or the mall) but I have been known to hem and haw over whether we ought to also see if the CAR SEATS would fit in the trunk because look, man, two car seats, that's $400 just sitting in the back of the car for the world to see....

Melisa at Shiny Brite

re: the P.S. -- anxiously awaiting a sentence (or more?) on the "PR" finale, preferably one with LOTS of horrible, seething, Earth-toned rage. you know, when you have time. :)

AMP

UGH. Please, PLEASE write a scathing review of the wretched Project Runway Finale. I. HATE. GRETCHEN and ridiculous Nina and Michael who decided to mess with Mondo. I mean, really? Gretchen? Obviously, because every girl longs to be a shapeless, lifeless sack of organic hot mess.

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