Impasse
Why We Probably Never Get Invited Places

Eight Weeks

Febreze no spill diffuser

Dear Febreze No Spill Wood Diffuser Scented Thing In My Bathroom,

I hate you. I hate you so much. I don't even know what you smell like, except that once upon a time I thought it was fairly nice but now it's the loudest, most-gag-inducing smell I have ever smelled, and I once spent my first trimester in an office with a coworker who liked her English muffins "blackened" every single damn morning. I hate you especially hard when your loud, gag-inducing, flowery, musky, whatever scent combines with the smell of the toothpaste or the shampoo or GOD HELP ME, the drain de-clogger stuff we keep having to use because MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT and honestly I think that's only about half-pregnancy symptom and half-stress-from-dealing-with-YOU and maybe some memories of the aforementioned burnt English muffins. 

Hate!

Amy

PS. Even though Jason moved you to the guest bathroom down the hall I CAN STILL SMELL YOU.

***

Dear Chipotle,

I love you. I have always loved you. Why do you hate me all of a sudden? Why do you want to hurt me? What did I do?

Whatever it is I'm sorry,

Amy

***

Dear OB,

I have to bring my two-year-old to my appointment this afternoon. Please let me keep my pants on. 

Thank you,

Amy

***

Dear Pants,

I'm undoing the top button and you can just shut up about it, okay?

Whatever,

Amy

***

Dear Face,

You are eight weeks pregnant, not eight months. Simmer down there, Puffy McBloaterchin.

Jesus,

Amy

***

Ezra-big-brother

Dear Zah,

Where did you even find that book? Who told you? You're kind of freaking me out, man. 

Love you anyway,

Mommy

Comments

Kim

Love it! And Zah looks so big. Wow...

Nicole

Congrats again =) Your misery makes me laugh (maybe it's just cause you describe it with so much humour!)

Just wanted to say, instead of a chemical drain unclogger, your hubby should buy a $5 plastic crap thing that pulls hair out of the drains. Any place like Home Depot etc will have it.

Good luck! Hope the smell aversions pass quickly. *hugs*

Truthful Mommy

Sorry, you are having such bad early pregnancy symptoms. Hope they rectify soon. But congratulations on the pregnancy!

Beccalynn

Go Ez! He has a 6th sense!! :-)

*m*

Dear Amy,

You slay me. Thanks for the Monday am laugh.

Still cackling,

*m*

Jen @ Making Messes

I'm personally a fan of Fatty McButter Pants when I'm pregnant.

:)

Christina

Just trying to read something to distract me while I try to eat with out barfing. Thanks a lot for that first letter. The rest of them cracked me up. Your 2 weeks behind you preggo reader.

Trista

Puffy McBloaterchin?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HA.
Ha.

kris

2 year olds have a very eerie sense about these things. They know! They do things that let us know they know!

Good luck with that OB appt! I know the feeling.

Maren

I had those febreze "noticables" and when I got pregnant, they were first banished to the laundry room, then to the garage, then to the shed, because dammit, they would not stop contaminating the air, and any fabric in the room. I could also smell the strawberry yogurt from an empty container sitting on the coffee table 10 feet away (getitawayfromhererightnoworIwillpuke!)

Karen

I was just telling a co-worker who scents don't bother me this time around. Not sure why, but you made me laugh out loud because I remember that gag reflex from scented things.

My hair isn't falling out but is growing thick like a freaking chia pet. Maybe we can share?

Karen
12 weeks ahead of you.

Carly

Ha! I'm almost 9 weeks along in my 1st pregnancy and smells are KILLING ME. We told my parents this weekend and they were SO EXCITED and CRIED and it was so delightful, until they opened up a bottle of wine and I wanted to puke my guts out on their white carpet. And my dad took me aside and was saying touching things to me about being a mom, and all I could think was "WINE BREATH. GAH!!!!" I hope this gets better, for you and for me :)

Leah

The first thing i did each time I took a pregnancy test that came up positive was to start purging the house of anything scented. If there was something that I needed (like shampoo) that I couldn't find unscented, I bought a tolerable scent in a brand I was ok with never ever using again after the baby was born because that scent would be ruined forever. There are still some things that I get a whiff of years later that turn my stomach. If I were you, I'd put that diffuser someplace far away if I wanted any chance of enjoying it later. It might not be too late

Mary Lou

So funny!

When I was pregnant a little while ago (my baby is 3 months old) I hated scented soaps. I thought that maybe I would like them again after I was done creating a human, but nope! All bath and body works products are hence forth banished from my house!

Jess

Mints helped me survive queasiness...altoids, gum, whatever. Of course I forgot that the second time around until someone reminded me. I was too busy puking.

Also, don't forget the loop a rubberband around your top pants button to get a few extra weeks out of them. Wait - third kid? Make that a few extra days. Totally not your fault.

kim

Bring me the Funny, and I will trade you the Sympathy. Because the smells! the Nausea! UGH.

Clarabella

I made my Baby-Daddy stop wearing cologne during my first two trimesters, it was making me so sick to my stomach.
Also, cigarette smoke made me wretch (although I had been a smoker).
Good luck.
That is all.

Clarabella

P.S. I should probably add that it was cologne I had bought him. Because I liked the smell so much.
Before he knocked me up, of course :)

Jen L.

Oh, God, I remember the smell aversions. Popcorn made me barf. Did I mention I work at a theatre? A theatre with a concession stand? Guess what our number one selling item is? YUP. I kept a bucket in my office for 16 weeks. Feel better.

MommiePie

Ewwwffugh! Any smell combined with toothpaste - at any time during pregnancy = GAG! I'm going thru a serious nesting phase right now (36 weeks) and decided I was going to scrub the shower (wtf?!!) with one of those Febreeze scented Magic Erasers over the weekend. Let's just say the shower will remain dirty for awhile...

Adventures In Babywearing

You're making me remember all too well. Once I had to take the boys with me to an OB appt and they assured me they were fine standing in the hall while I was "checked" and when we were done we found them down the hallway going to the bathroom with the door wide open. THEY were both naked from the waist down. Thanks, OB nurse supposed to be watching them...

Steph

Amy

I am so looking forward to all of this! I think....

hope things start settling down for you soon!

Rachel

You make me smile, thanks.

That big boy is so cute, & smart too! =)

Good luck with the OB appt.

That is all, bye.

Kacie

You make me laugh so hard. Can we hang out more? Pleeeeeease???? xoxoxoxo

samantha Jo Campen

Mmmmmmm Chipotle. . . . . .

Cindy

Thanks for the laughs, Mrs. Puffy McBloaterchin!

Becca

Last time I went to Chipotle they tried to kill me with their "medium" salsa of death. I know medium salsa. That was something beyond "hot". Nuclear maybe.

My pants didn't fit at 8 weeks either. Magical/special miracle of life, dammit.

Lisa

I say, give the damn Febreeze thing the heave ho. I'm sure your house smells just fine without it. Plus, some room fresheners cause major heath problems.

As for the drain, I found this great screen drain thing, and I put one in my bathtub, and no more slow drain:
http://www.kk.org/cooltools/archives/004608.php

I had to pull out the popup drain (It pulled right out - I watched the plumber do it, I'll have it put back if I ever sell the house), but it was really worth it. Now I just have to clean out the screen.

HTH

melissa

Love "I'm a Big Brother"! Had it memorized by the time my second boy arrived and just kept on repeating it until the 4th got here.
All my vomit-inducing smells have remained banished, even 10+ years later. Hope your symptoms ease up soon!
Thanks for all the laughs!

Alicia

I love that Ez already knows what his new role is going to be. He's very proactive in learning all of the tips to being a big brother so far in advance!

Kristin

OMG, the power of super smell was the WORST thing while pregnant. You truly have my sympathy.

Kay

Chipotle can be a fickle friend indeed.

Really you don't need any fancy hair trapping device. Just shove a wet washcloth into the overflow opening in the tub and use a plunger on that drain! Smell free and no hair wrangling.

Sarahd

You know, my oldest did some creepy things after I found out I was pregnant the second time (and before we told him a new baby was coming). Kids KNOW stuff. It IS kind of creepy. He started asking me random questions about babies and talking to my belly or to his invisible little brother. SO WEIRD!

Melanie

He looks like such a little boy and a big brother in that picture! Also, I love the sweater!

Karen

The Super Sonic Smelling Ability is insane. I am just five weeks and I was grocery shopping and I am convinced it's not normal to smell rotisserie chicken when you're in the produce section. It. Was. Gross. Also, potatoes smell horrible from across the room. I'm talking RAW potatoes, man.

monkey t

i think all air fresheners smell gross, so it must be far worse when youre more sensative to them :(

liz

A gift for you: http://www.target.com/Ginger-People-Chews-Original-Travel/dp/B001TGXAN8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&searchView=grid5&keywords=ginger%20chews&fromGsearch=true&sr=1-1&qid=1288032797&rh=&searchRank=target104545&id=Ginger%20People%20Chews%20Original%20Travel&node=1038576|1287991011&searchSize=30&searchPage=1&searchNodeID=1038576|1287991011&searchBinNameList=subjectbin%2Cprice%2Ctarget_com_primary_color-bin%2Ctarget_com_size-bin%2Ctarget_com_brand-bin&frombrowse=0

Ginger chews from Target. Because they will totally kill your sense of smell and make you not want to throw up any more.

Email me your address and I will ship you a case.

Txtingmrdarcy

Dear Amy's Pants,

Sillybandz are great for holding you shut. Since you're being jerks and all.

Sincerely,
Brooke's Pants

Barefoot Liz

The only scents I could handle while pregnant (and beyond) was pure essential oils.
Funny about the book your son's holding!

Katie Kat

Puffy McBloaterchin! Ha ha! That was hilarious.....

Rachael

I was at Target yesterday and they had these sweater pants. They were cute enough to wear out of the house and totally soft. And drawstring. Also, totally get rid of that diffuser thing. I would have thrown it against the wall by now I think.

Anna

my husband bought Febreze scented trash bags- WORST SMELL EVER! I think that would even make a non-pregnant person gag.

Swistle

Dear Amy,

LOVE THIS. And also: sorry, ick, pregnancy sucks.

Love, Swistle

jonniker

Ugh, the SMELLS OF PREGNANCY. BLERGH.

We lived in a big farmhouse with a downstairs tenant when I was pregnant with Sam, and one day -- an ENTIRE DAY -- they were deep-frying shit. First, onion rings; later, jalapeno poppers. Still LATER, CHICKEN STRIPS.

I do not exaggerate in the slightest when I tell you that Adam received no fewer than a DOZEN phone calls that day (I was working from home) from me, crying about the smell. He came home, and I was a sobbing, miserable mess. Later, I locked myself in the bathroom with a ginger candle, crying the whole time, flat-out refusing to come out until the frying stopped.

Catherine S

Is it normal to be jealous of morning sickness? Mmmm, probably not. Feel better and congrats!

mrs. q.

OH! I'm long since pregnant and the frebreeze description is making me gag. Just thinking about what perfume did to me during my two pregnancies is making the bile rise. And I really disliked the smell of my husband's head.

Just an FYI: Ginger made me barf. A friend and shiatsu specialist told me that ginger 'heats' your body up and when you are pukey, you want a cooling agent. Peppermint tea (and gum) was the trick.

sharon

A bit spooky, but I can better that. Because I was such a champion at not staying pregnant we had decided not to tell anyone at all about any pregnancies until we reached the 12 week mark. When I was 7 weeks along for the fourth time in just over a year, my son, then just turned 4, threw his arms around my flat tummy one afternoon and said 'That's our baby growing in there!' He had never done that before and never did again. But indeed that was the only other baby I carried successfully. Sixth sense do you think?

By the looks of it, Ezra is obviously going to take this big brother gig seriously ;-)

Olga @ MangoTomato

LOVE Chipotle too. A lot.
Funny, my initials are OB. If it was up to me, I'd definitely let you keep your pants on ;)

melissa

Another reminder why I'm so grateful to have found your blog years (wow) ago...you make me laugh, and boy do I ever need a laugh! You are so talented. thank You!

Alecia

SO.DARN.FUNNY! I am at 13 weeks and feel your hate for the same things! My co-workers apparent lotion smelling party almost did me in on Friday afternoon. Seriously people, show some respect.

Alecia

Oh and I just noticed my hair falling out today. With my first one, I felt like I had a strong mane. What's up with the hair loss? I thought that came post-pregnancy.

Jennifer

funny, funny shit

maggie may

i'm 35 weeks pregnant and could not eat Chipotle this entire time, when before i couldn't NOT eat it.

Isabel

Does Ezra read your blog when you aren't watching? I keep reading that two is the new five when it comes to technology. :-)

Peachy

HAH!

The way I first figured out I was pregnant with my oldest? I could smell the dirty wet water INSIDE the running dishwasher from upstairs and across the house. Like, smell it enough to yell down the steps "What did you do to that dishwasher?? Why in god's name is it making that smell?!? (Answer: "WHAT smell?" from the man standing next to it.)

Yeah, I threw up from then through delivery. Preggo spidey sense is no joke!

P.S. Try McD's vanilla shakes when the going gets rough. Rumor has it they possess the nutritional content of ground-up, frozen, whipped Lego... but they sure feel good!

JennyM

I don't have anything to say except:

LOOK AT THE LITTLE ZIPPY SWEATER! SMOOSH!

That is all.

Rachel

Just had to say when I saw the title of the post hadn't changed from yesterday, I thought "oh well, I'll just scroll down to the cute pic of Ezra at the bottom." =)

Did you get to keep your pants on?

Christina

6 weeks, and I think I must be 16 & Pregnant. Because my face! The acne!

The pregnancy glow is coming from the whiteheads! Awesome!

Still Pissed Off About That Miscarriage Post

Dear Google Reader,

Please delete Amalah. She is just straight up obnoxious these days apparently.

jadine

Dude, throw the diffuser thing over a neighbor's fence...or hurl it out of your moving vehicle on the way to get donuts. Noxious smells are ...well... noxious. For me it's coffee. Smells EXACTLY like fresh cat poo. Gah.

Elizabeth @ Table for Five

"Puffy McBloaterchin" made me LOLZ, man. Ha! I know what you mean about smells, everything just smelled wrong to me when I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant with Nathan when I tore open a FedEx envelope at work and the smell of the glue almost made me barf. Hang in there!

Amanda

I love you and your chin and gagging. And Zah. All of it.

Apropos of nothing: There's an ad at the bottom of your page that says something something something and somewhere in the box it says "Disney" in that fancy Disney Logo Font, and I just wanted to share with you that when I was little, I thought the D was a backwards G because hello, that's what it looks like. So I always thought it said Walt Gisney, as in Jizzney, and now I can't stop seeing it that way. I'm almost 30, and I read it like that every time I see it.

Do you see it? Does it look like (backwards G)Gis(Jizz)ney? Are you reading it in your head like that? You won't be able to stop now.

You're welcome.

Supra Shoes

Love's tongue is in the eyes. There is no hiding from lover's eyes.Love is a fabric that nature wove and fantasy embroidered.

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