I know I know I KNOW.
If you are looking for someone to blame for the sporadic posting, blame the fetus. Which I know you won't actually do, because what are you gonna say? BAD FETUS! STUPID UNBORN CHILD! YOU'RE MESSING WITH SOMETHING VAGUELY ENTERTAINING THAT I OCCASIONALLY CHECK OVER LUNCH BREAK IF I REMEMBER SO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!
Yeah, go ahead. It can't hear you anyway. It doesn't even have any ears yet. Nyah.
No, but seriously. This week was quick and mighty payback for a whole heapload of bragging I did last weekend. I told at least four or five separate family members that I feel great! Easiest first trimester yet! I had two or three uncomfortable days there but I seem to be past all that now! Already! I can't believe it! Just a couple weeks to go until the second trimester so maybe I've escaped the worst of it all together!
So, of course, I am currently on day number five of the same low-grade, persistent headache. It goes away with some Tylenol but then creeps back within an hour or two. I have thrown up almost every night this week, usually dashing down the hall to the bathroom in the middle of bedtime stories with Noah and Ezra. I don't have morning sickness; I have It's Officially Impossible To Get Through Knuffle Bunny Free Without Crying Or Puking Or Both evening sickness.
After a good round of barfing, it's usually straight to bed. Until I wake up at midnight, and then again at 3:30 to pee, and then at 5:15 with the headache, and then at 6:45 when my lousy, still-effed-up-from-Daylight-Savings children start howling for Cheerios.
And then! It turns out that there is nothing that can lull me to sleep better than the soothing, pristine whiteness that is the blank New Post page for my blog. I stare at it, I peck at a key or two, and then...
Wait, what was I talking about?
Eh. Probably wasn't anything important.
What else happened this week? Well, I wrote a lot of other things other places, including making Joel McHale vaguely uncomfortable on the phone, I completed some cross stitch projects for our kitchen, learned the importance of getting three different estimates for home improvement projects because the first one will be all, "THAT WILL BE FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS" and you will cry, because you do not have four thousand dollars, but then estimate number two will be all, "THAT WILL BE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS THAN FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS" and estimate number three will say, "IT'S A LIMBO CONTEST! HOW LOW CAN WE GO! PRETTY DAMN LOW, AS IT TURNS OUT!"
Jason's ready to make a decision, but now I'm tempted to keep going. Maybe after another estimate or two we'll get somebody to do the job for five bucks and a couple cans of tuna fish.
(The job involves replacing carpet with laminate flooring in the basement, in case you've got a hankering for tuna. I could possibly go as high as to include mayonnaise, as well.)
I attended the first parent-teacher conference of the year and learned that NOT ONLY did my temperamental question mark of a son willingly sit down and participate in a standardized kindergarten placement test, he completely ACED the thing. Top marks, across all subject areas. I have absolutely no punchline to that story; I included it simply to brag. Because this is that sort of blog.
I'll spare you the whole story about Ezra vomiting up an entire meal of stuffed shells in the car yesterday, though. I mean, I guess that kind of IS the whole story. Moving on.
I dropped my phone on the sidewalk and shattered the screen (and apparently damaged the battery somehow, because it's no longer holding a charge). I have exactly two months left on my contract, which means I've found it terribly amusing to show the phone to Jason and wail about it only having two months to go before retirement! And then this!!!11!
He laughed the first time. I don't know what his problem was all those other times.
Okay, the headache is back and I'm tired. You can go away now.