ARE YOU READY FOR SOME CHRISTMAS
My Work Here Is Done

16 Weeks, Stuff & Nonsense

AMY: Hey! Who wants to hear all the boring nitty-gritty details of a routine obstetrician visit? 

VAGUELY MUTED VOICE: ME! ME! I DO! I DO!

AMY: Great! Okay, so...

YOU: Hey, wait a second, that was you, answering your own question, with your teeth clenched like a ventriloquist or something.

AMY: No it wasn't.

YOU: I saw your lips move when you made the "M" sound.

AMY: No you didn't.

YOU: This is stupid. I wish Cake Wrecks updated more than once a day.

Anyway! Okay, so...

Sixteen-week OB appointment this morning.

Results of the genetic screening from the last appointment reveal that my risk of Down syndrome is about the same of a 28-year-old pregnant woman. I am...not 28 years old. Nor am I 16 years old, which was where the risk of Trisomy 18 fell. These are apparently very GOOD numbers, so I am going to remain content with that and refrain from Googling so if I'm at all misrepresenting the SCIENCE behind these Very Important Blood Tests I apologize to the medical community. I simply wanted to tell the world about my spry and quite-young-for-its-age uterus. Even though I'm guessing that isn't specifically what the results were saying. 

(Also: YAY. And whew, particularly on the Trisomy one.

And speaking of things that sound like bragging but I swear I am just reporting facts here: My total pregnancy weight gain so far is a big, fat zero. No pounds gained. I was genuinely unnerved to notice this, because SERIOUSLY, I have not been exaggerating at all about the amount of pie I've been eating. We went through two dozen eggs and three packages of butter over Thanksgiving, we are already running low on Christmas cookies, I have regularly indulged in chili cheese fries on a near-weekly basis and one of my Big Cravings this pregnancy has been fancy boxed chocolates.* As in, ENTIRE BOXES OF THEM, consumed in a single sitting. Two sittings, tops.

Though I'd have trouble defining what exactly constitutes a "sitting" because THAT IS ALL I DO.

*Last-minute gift idea alert! I like the ones with the gooey cream fillings the bestest.

I know the stomach flu knocked me down for about a weekend there, but for real, I technically should have MORE than made up for that weight loss since then. My doctor thought it was funny that I was "complaining" about the lack of weight gain but I really am at a loss as to how I could possibly NOT have put on a damn good 10 pounds by now, puny ounce-sized fetus aside. He was all, "Eh, it's fine. Just try to gain like, three pounds by the next appointment."

So now that it's like, an actual assignment, be prepared to see my perfectionist self completely overachieve on that goal and show up in four weeks 20 pounds heavier. I'll be like Rocky, only with less running.

And that next appointment -- four weeks from today! -- is the Big One, the Big 20-week ultrasound that will hopefully tell us for sure that we're having another boy what the sex of the baby is. I had a dream about the ultrasound, and we were told that it was actually a girl, and I immediately had to shake Jason awake while shouting possible girl names at him, because we haven't the first clue what to name a girl.

Jason always resisted the Name Discussions until AFTER we found out we were having boys, so we've never once really settled on a single girl name. Two names that I've always liked have unfortunately become tainted recently by various Hollywood and tabloid jackasses, plus I always get this compulsive need to wipe the name slate completely clean with each pregnancy, so our runners-up names from the past rarely resurface. Because...they're used names, now, you see? Hand-me-downs. Previous rejects, so giving them to a subsequent baby seems wrong to me, like "oh, this name wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for your brother, but we couldn't be bothered to come up with anything else for you, so here you go."

I mean...yeah. I realize I'm probably the only person who thinks like that. But hey! I know you people don't come here to read about someone who's really well adjusted and logical and shit. Welcome to my neurosis, and/or Why None Of Our Children Will Ever Be Named Elijah, Despite The Fact That It Is A Perfectly Cromulent Name.

Okay, one last dumb story and then you can get on with your lives: My OB was in surgical scrubs when I arrived this morning, and I assumed he was either coming from or on his way to a delivery, but it turned out the office had just performed one of those fancy new non-surgical tubal sterilization procedures. (Adiana or Essure or whatever other one there is with the posters on your OB/GYN's walls with all the women gazing out over the ocean or the nearby fields of gold while wearing white linen pants.) During my appointment, he was quite adorably jazzed by how interesting the procedure was and wanted to tell me all about it, and then right after checking the baby's heart with his Doppler he stopped and asked, "So...how many children do YOU want?"

Nice SEGUE, doctor! But I think you'd better hold off on that particular upsell for awhile. At least let me finish baking this one before I start making big life decisions like that. Right now I mostly just want to think about where I can pick up another box of chocolates on my way home. 

Comments

Jenn

Man, I wish my gynecologist would try to sell me on something like that because I would seriously hurl myself off the table and demand it right there on the spot.

Issa

I actually love these updates.

I am betting girl. Mostly just because I had to girls and then a boy. You are the opposite, so yep. Girl.

Okay, I'll just say this...maybe you have gained a bit of weight, but possibly you'd lost some in the stress of the fall? So maybe you feel like you haven't? Just a guess.

Either way, your doctor just told you to eat pie and truffles and ice cream, that I am sure of.

Mouse

I think I surprised my CNM with the vehemence of my answer that we're done having kids. She was not, however, trying to sell me on any procedure.

We generally had names picked out well before any pregnancy that stuck. With our first, the girl name was iffy, so our son made sure we didn't have to use it. As a result, we had a completely different girl name ready to go for son #2. I tried to hand that name down to my now-pregnant sister, but unfortunately one of her friends just used it.

FreeRange Pamela

You're TOTALLY not the only one who thinks that way about the names. With #2, we started completely over with names, and none of the runner-up names came up again. They are not worthy! Anyway, good luck on the girl front. It would be nice to shake it up a bit (can you tell I'm living vicariously through you?), though already having a complete hand-me-down wardrobe wouldn't be so bad, either.

Erin

Nice use of the word cromulent. Also, love the OB upsell...that's kind of hilarious. :)

Congratulations on your uterus passing all its tests with flying colors!

Heide

The baby that never came was going to be named Max. When the surprise baby came along ten years later, that name was ... used. So I totally get it.

kellie

You are totally not the only one who does not re-use unused names from previous pg's. They are *leftovers*. :)

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I LOVE the story about the OB trying to determine whether you'd be the next person on whom he'd perform the cool procedure. Hilarious.

And way to go on the 28- and 16-year-old risk stuff. That is super cool!

Melissa

I'm so glad I'm not the only woman who took issue with the hand-me-down names! My husband totally did not get it but I refused to use the rejects from kid #1 for kid #2. I'll be the same way if we have a 3rd (which I'm assuming would be a 3rd boy, because I already have two and THERE ARE NO MORE BOY NAMES I LIKE).

Happy to hear everything is going well with you & baby. Don't worry about not gaining weight. I lived on salads with my pregnancies and gained over 50lb each time, so please enjoy your good fortune and eat more pie and lots of Christmas cookies for the rest of us!

Have a wonderful holiday with your awesome family. :)

Deanna

I know someone who loved and was determined to use a name, but didn't use it until her 3rd son was born because the name just didn't feel right on the first two.

Alli

I'm actually really glad my mom didn't "regift" her boy's name when she had a girl (me) the first time around -- if I was a boy, I was going to be Bart. My brother was lucky and got Scott instead.

Kate

Um, ten bonus chocolates for nonchalant use of the word cromulent. Also please note that your comment box spellchecker doesn't even recognize "cromulent", which I do believe means you are smarter than THE INTERNET. Ten more bonus chocolates for that!

Maggie

Im with kate and erin- way to go on cromulent! I work with college students and use it a lot, just when they start to piss me off :)

Kate

Also: my parents had the ZOMG PERFECT baby girl name picked out for my youngest sister, and then my dad's cousin had a baby girl five weeks ahead of him and named her EXACTLY that. Same last name and everything. So they had to scrap the name at 35 weeks and start over. Bastard cousin.

Pinkie Bling

Ugh, what is UP with the medical upsells? I hate that! My dentist is the very worst about it. He regularly gives me complexes about things I'm completely sure no one else would every notice. Except me, now, every time I look in the mirror. THANKS, doc!

Like other commenters, I'm impressed by your use of the word "cromulent." :)

Merry, merry Christmas to all of you, including the one still in the oven!

Pinkie Bling

*Every = even. Bleh.

Rachael

Me TOO!!!! On everything. Well, except we've had a girl's name picked out forever (well, it has changed, but the gist is the same) and we will still use it but I'm pretty sure this is a boy and I have no idea on boys' names. We didn't even have runner-ups for our 1st, but I knew if he ended up miraculously being a girl, we would not have reused the name we'd promised for him. We find out Jan. 3rd.

And the weight gain - ME TOO. I have been eating horribly. HORRIBLY. Everything doctors have ever preached about pregnancy diets is complete BS and this pregnancy proves it. I have chocolate pretzels for snack. I've eaten an entire pineapple-upside down cake. I've gained NADA. I'm 18 weeks. I had pre-eclampsia with my first despite following Brewer's DIet to a T - my entire pregnancy. I started having high BP at my 1st visit with that pregnancy. This time I still have completely normal BP despite my lack of protein or caring that I take my prenatals. Whatevs, dude. This baby is awesome!

Lisa

I feel the same way about baby names....I love the name Jamie but its an also-ran three pregnancies in a row. I'll never have a kid named Jamie, because if it wasn't good enough the first three times, its not good enough on the fourth.

Marci

Congrats on the good news.

It is a strange time to bring a tubal up with you. Although, for years women made that decision prior to having their last child...but having a tubal after a C section is difficult.

That said, I had the Essure procedure a few years ago and it was the best decision ever. No cutting (of DH)and very little recovery. I highly recommend it. It is best for older women who are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE they don't want any more children, as it is permanent birth control.

Have a Merry Christmas!! Can't wait to see pictures.

Kim

Well, my first had a family initial (Jewish-style) so both names started the same. Having kids with the same initals is a little cutesy for me, so the boy's name got scrapped the second go-round. I was so relieved when I had a girl, because no other name even came close to that one. Still love it, still don't know any babies named it. However, I too am jazzed about a non-surgical tubal and may be calling my doctor soon. DH is not stepping up, to my irritation.

Coleen

I had a dream last night that you had a boy, and you named it something that starts with the letter P. I can't remember the name, sadly, but there was definitely a P and it was a boy. Good luck!

Kim

PS: am looking up cromulent.
PPS: Jeremiah? Micah? Zebediah?

sara

Previous rejects, so giving them to a subsequent baby seems wrong to me, like "oh, this name wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for your brother, but we couldn't be bothered to come up with anything else for you, so here you go."

This is totally how I got my name! My mom wanted my name (Sara) for my older sister, but my dad didn't like it. Then when I came along five years later(surprise!) and I turned out to be a girl (surprise - daughter #3!) my dad was like "name it whatever you want," so Sara I became.

Sonja

I had actually lost 4lbs by 16 weeks - not because I was throwing up, but because I constantly *wanted* to throw up to the point where food and I couldn't really be in the same room together.

By 24 weeks, I was a mere seven pounds above where I had started.

I'm 28 weeks now and I fear that the 3rd trimester may just kick the smug right off of my face and replace it with pure fat.

Crabby Apple Seed

*sigh*. why am I the only pregnant woman gaining a single damn pound?! Everyone I talk to is gaining nothing, but me? Five solid pounds ahead of where I was at this point in my last pregnancy. AND?! I had to go for an extra ultrasound this week because my fundus measured SMALL. Fanfreakingtastic.

And I don't have any issue with "regifting" names, but my husband is adamantly opposed. I think maybe I'm in the minority on this, actually.

(and I like Kim's guesses. Micah would go along well with Noah and Ezra.)

Caitlyn

I suppose baby naming is one of the advantages of doing the whole God-thing - the runner-up names weren't "not good enough" they just weren't what God was calling us to do. Maybe God was saving that name for later. Or something. Let's go with that.

I dunno. We settled on Beauty's name almost instantly, so I don't have that many runner-ups to cope with.

Issa

I wanted to come back and add, I so do that with baby names. The rejects from the first kid, even the non-used other sex name? Never been added to the list the next time around.

el

I'm a week behind you in pregnancy land! I just got my bloodtest for chromo disorders and I'm a little freaked out (this is my first baby). I told the docs I don't want to know the results before Christmas.
Ugh. The waiting! How do you deal? Besides with cookies.

Leigh Ann

We had two excellent girl family names picked out the first time around, and how could I possibly decide??? Lucky for me (or rather joke's on me...), I had identical girls twins.

So when #3 was cooking, we were a bit stumped. Had we not pigged out on pizza and watched Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof," we never would have settled on her name.

Maxine Dangerous

Yay for good news (and the Cake Wrecks line, which made me cover my LOL with a reading-blogs-at-work-fake-cough :)). Belly pictures, please. :D

Katie

You make my day. So glad I discovered your blog. My boys are grown. It's nice to relive the times we had through your experiences.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Elizabeth

With #3, I was 20 weeks before I gained any weight - it wasn't for lack of trying. My OB nicely said that I needed to gain weight by my 20 appointment or I was going to get a lecture. At the 20 week appointment I had gained 1 pound. (With #1 and #2, I gained about 10 pounds the first 12 weeks!)

Also with #3, at my first OB appointment, I requested to have my tubes tied as soon as #3 was out.

Alison

I am a regular reader, but have been dreading reading your pregnancy updates because I was a few weeks behind you in my second pregnancy and then had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. But your columns never fail to make me smile, even when my first thought is to be sad for myself. So thank you for being you, for entertaining your readers, and for bringing a bright spot to my day.

Erin

I completely agree about starting over with names. There are still names I love from the first go round, but they were flat out rejected by my husband so to think he might change his mind now, is just silly. Clean slate it is.

Can't wait until Jan. 25th when we have our gender reveal! Bonus, it's my birthday, hoping baby cooperates and shows us the goods!

Hez

Guess I'm the only one who thought "twins" when the doctor asked how many? I'm sure I'm off base, right???

Cincy

@Lisa--Hope you were gonna name a daughter Jamie because Jamie is a girl's name. Or so I am repeatedly told by my 18 year old son, Jamie.

Amy in StL

Oh come one! Wouldn't looking fabulous in absolutely crease-free white linen pants be worth considering the procedure. Personally, I might look into it if it meant I looked cute in white pants. Srsly.

As for girl names, I got nothing. I think Amy is a great name, but naming girls after their mom weirds me out a little. No. Idea. Why.

Patti B.

I'm with Hez! Are we reading more into it than there is? Maybe it is because I have twins that my ears always perk up for multiple mentions! Good luck!!!

Zanbar

I had to look up TWO words today, so cheers for stretching my vocab.

And one more time.... please PLEASE call him Tiberius!

Suzy Q

I want preggo pictures! Even if you're not showing, you rascally non-weight-gainer.

KTSchoger

nah, we tossed our first pregnancy girl name too..Mostly because of Miley Cyrus' slut whore, little sister. (Ironically I was in love with Noah for a girl...but agree, should best be left for cute little boys who don't think Christmas trees should ride on the tops of cars and love hanging orbbmamints.)

Congrats on your young uterus!

Roberta

Oh, I *have* missed your pregnancy updates. For realz. I means it. Yes, I realize I have a problem.

Adventures In Babywearing

I did the same thing with baby names! Always started "anew" with each pregnancy (which, by the 4th, I was almost ready to start using up the leftovers.)

I know exactly how you will feel whether it's a boy or girl- I was so relieved in some ways our 3rd was -yet- another boy, but when we found out the 4th was a girl that was also a whole other amazing experience.

And while I think we are done (no soldering of the old tubes planned) my ovaries sometimes ache for another boy.

Steph

Elizabeth

I completely agree about the names. 'Your brother was too special for that one, but it worked ok for you.'

Also, I totally have three girlfriends who've recently had that spay procedure done (yes, I think in cat sterilization terms) and said it was rad.

Amy

I say its a girl and only b/c at 34 weeks now with my first girl, I have only gained like 15 pounds...which is totally different than the 50 I gained with the boy. And I have sustained myself on nothing but pie, Christmas cookies, hot chocolate and Panera. Girls agree with me...and I'm betting #3 is a girl for you too!

sharon

Yay for the good results! Still thinking girl for you although I can see that boy would actually be easier ;-)

Darlene

Color me jealous! I'm 15 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I was saddened to learn I had already gained 10 pounds. It was a sad sad day for me. Who thought a diet of cheese fries, those Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes, and milkshakes could make you gain 10 pounds? I had no idea!

Crystal

I <3 pregnancy updates.

My daughter Elanor is about a month younger than Ezra, and we had just decided to start trying for #2 when you announced this little bean's imminent arrival. Sadly, I had a bad reaction my mirena removal (apparently my uterus was stupid enough to actually BELIEVE that it was pregnant and grew 2 years worth of lining which I then start hemorraghing once the damn thing was removed, & had to have a D&C) and now have to wait 2 months before I can start trying again. So YAY for pregnancy updates...I need to live vicariously while my uterus hangs out by the pool in Bali, drinking.

Cheryll

We totally did the "new name" for the second pregnancy and possibility of a boy baby and that was 28 years ago! (we have two daughters). We had the girl names picked out both times, no problem. But for boy names the second time --- No recycling for us!

Christen

You were totally going for "Snooki" in the event of a girl until those Jersey Shore kids ruined it for you, weren't you? They ruin EVERYTHING!

Hollie

OMG, thank you for discarding the "used" names - I have a SUPER Christmassy name because my parents picked it for my older (male) sibling as their girl choice, then just kept it for me. I have felt a little bitter about it for, oh, around 25 years. TOSS THEM OUT :)

ella

That's awesome, a free pass during holiday season, what could be better:)

And, at the risk of sounding creepy, what happened to the belly shots this time around? I miss those.

Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey

Congrats on the zero weight gain! And the heathy baby! And Merry Christmas!

But I DO wish Cake Wrecks updated more than once a day. Maybe we should form a coup.

Marianne

I think these updates are hilarious too... They make me a little breathless, because they're so fast-paced.

So, seriously, I think that was TERRIBLY inappropriate of your OB to ask you how many kids you want. Is it me?

Erin

I had the Essure. Not that I can "really" get pregnant or anything, but you know, just in case . . . Best decision EVER. Easy, Cheap, Done! This is after years of birth control pills and Mirena (which was awful for me), even though my chances of getting pregnant were very slim. Still glad I got it!

erin

is it wrong that I desperately want to know what the "tainted" girl names are?

erin

is it wrong that I desperately want to know what the "tainted" girl names are?

Sarah

OMG! So I haven't been reading any of my regular blogs for what I thought was only a couple of weeks because I've been super busy. Now on Christmas holidays catching up on everything and it turns out it's been at LEAST 16 weeks and you spent that time growing another human!

Congratulations! Noah and Ezra are both gorgeous, and I think if anyone should breed, that it should be you and Jason.

I promise never to stop reading again (who knows what you'll do next).

Julia

I had this dream a couple weeks ago that you had a girl and named her Amanda. Yeah, I thought it was weird too-- that I, random reader, had a dream about the sex of your baby. But now I see that a previous poster dreamed that you are having a boy. So either you have a very impressive, half-correct pool of psychic blog-followers, or Coleen and I are a wee bit crazy-like...

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