Tidings of Great Cranky Joy

500 Postings About Hair Dye & Hot Dogs, Yet No One Ever Asks About The Risk Posed By Zombies

Last week, someone linked to a verrrrry old post of mine, one I'd almost forgotten about. Even though I think I originally intended to spin it into a regular feature -- a weekly round-up of the ridiculous questions people post on pregnancy message boards and those user-powered question and answer things that quickly tend to devolve into ill-informed leading the illiterate. 

I abandoned the idea of it becoming a regular thing once I realized that:

1) The questions all get damn repetitive after awhile, to the point you get so sucked in and desensitized that you start thinking it's perfectly reasonable to post three dozen different questions about the listeria risk of deli meats but what about bologna or hot dogs or Slim Jims or sliced cheese and should I get my stomach pumped because I put lox-flavored cream cheese on my bagel OMG?* and

2) I kind of felt mean, picking on other pregnant women who are just trying SO HARD to do everything SO RIGHT and it's not their fault if their doctors aren't explaining things very well or their first-grade teacher failed to leave them with any real grasp of the alphabet. 

But hey! Once a pregnancy seems to be about a good rate, I think! 

*Totally a serious question that someone asked. I get the sense if these people saw what I ate for lunch yesterday** they would definitely judge me right back for Completely Failing At Pregnancy, so let's just say we're even.

**Summer sausage, can of black olives, Coca-Cola. And by God, I'd eat it again, if only we had any left.

Let's start off in the "Family Life During Pregnancy" section of a very popular pregnancy and baby website. However, don't let the category name fool you: All anybody wants to talk about is sex. 

i understand it is safe to have sex during pregnancy, is it still so when the woman is on top? both my husband and i enjoy sex almost every day, and our favorite position is myself on top. for me its more comfortable but lately i worry that the baby could be hurt or shaken around to much. i am 9 weeks pregnant and am starting to show.

You could honestly hold this question up as Standard Boilerplate for the sex-and-pregnancy section: Newly pregnant woman professes to Have Sex Almost Constantly, yet seems completely unaware of some of the most important fundamentals (no, the baby is not going to "see" anything, nor will your uterus pop like a balloon if he sticks his penis "really far up there"), and who responds to every question/article declaring various sex acts to be safe with an immediate, "YES, BUT WHAT ABOUT [INSERT SLIGHT VARIATION ON SAID SEX ACT DESCRIBED IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL COMPLETE WITH FREQUENCY OF PERSONAL ENJOYMENT]?"

The baby is not drinking semen, ladies. All the nutrients that go to the baby, go through the umbilical cord, filtered beautifully by the placenta. So enjoy a little high-protein drink if you want! And beware of personifying sperm. You may start having bad dreams when you start thinking about all the ones that don't make it.

This one starts out so wonderfully blunt and full of common sense, with a dash of real honest-to-God knowledge and science!

And then you get to that last bit. I think maybe I'll stick with a Slim-Fast. Or not. Do they make a vegan version?

Hi I am just beginning my 14th week and I am very worried. My husband and i had sex 2 days ago and that same evening, when I went to pee, nothing came out (if you know what I mean) as it usually would. The morning after our tryst, I went to pee only to see a long white stretch thread dangling from my body. I had to *pull* it out and it came out in one piece and it was whitish, no odor. It was like the slime I used to buy as a kid from the quarter toy machines. The quantity was about... 2/3 the size of a hershey's kiss. This morning, I had the same kind of discharge in the bathroom, although way smaller. I am terrified that this I am beginning to lose my mucous plug. I am having no other symptoms. Can sex cause you to lose your mucous plug? I am so scared, I thought I'd just gotten out of the danger zone. This is my first pregnancy. Husband says it's just (ew) day old semen and that the change in my vaginal pH caused it not to leak out right away. He didn't see it though. Help?

1) Yes, I am pretty sure you are describing -- in colorful, agonizing detail -- your husband's day-old semen to the Internet.

2) Someone answered this question (three times!) with a description of how your vagina gets swollen during pregnancy. The swelling holds the baby inside better, you see, but it can also make semen leak out slower. 


we have been having sex 3-4 times a day since i've been pregnant. is this safe? my sex drive is waaaay up.

Oh, bite me.

And now on to the more general batshittery of the "Is It Safe?" section of question topics...

If I go to a haunted house and get scared at 4 weeks pregnant will that hurt my baby?

Yes. Absolutely. What the fuck are you thinking? Do you have any idea what would have happened to human beings as a species if pregnant women ever allowed themselves to feel emotions of any kind? That's why you see all those cave drawings of primitive tribes with the men running from dangerous predators while the ladies sat down and did some yoga. STOP BEING SO SELFISH WITH YOUR INSTINCTS.

I get bikini waxes regularly and now that I'm at week 16, I'm not supposed to be lying on my back even to rest. Is it safe to lie on my back for the 30-45 minutes it takes to get my wax?

The only times it is safe to lie on your back while pregnant is during ultrasounds, every prenatal visit ever, and probably for the duration of your labor if you give birth at a hospital with an epidural. Otherwise, STOP BEING SO SELFISH WITH YOUR VAGINA.

I just found out that i have been pregnant for 6weeks and in that time i unknowingly got my belly button pierced..could that have been or could be harmful to the baby or puncture the cord or something along those lines?

Hang on. Let me check my resource on anatomy first -- the toe bone's connected to the ankle bone, the ankle's connected to the leg bone, the belly button's connected to the life-giving umbilical cord of your unborn fetus which is why everybody knows you just shove your prenatal vitamin directly in your belly button unless you have an outie bone...


I was trying to take a picture of my son crawling through a tunnel, and without thinking I laid down on my belly. Immediately, I realized that I shouldn't be doing that, and it felt uncomfrtable. I moved right away, and was only laying on my belly for a few seconds. I am 22 weeks... Is this something that will hurt the baby?

Don't worry about it. My second kid came out kind of dented but I totally love him just as much as the first one anyway. At some point you just have to relax and not blame yourself for everything lol

would it hurt the baby to smoke cigarettes?

The power of Web 2.0 crowdsourcing at its finest, people. I mean, where else could user space_cake6 have EVER found this sort of valuable information before someone invented the Internet Q&A board format? Plus there's the bonus of having a good 100 people type variations on "YOUR A MORAN" in response to her question. 



... were we as a species this stupid before the internet? No, seriously, is it slowly destroying our IQ points one by one, till all there is left is the ability to play Farmville and drool onto YouTube comments?


I am laughing my ass off. My oldest is nine (today) and I bet I asked some ridiculous questions the first time around...yet none were quite this bad. Or funny.




I ate poached eggs while pregnant with Sam. Like, every day. And salami.

Someone call the police! Or, at the very least, Baby Center.

Do You Come with the Car?

I am very, very concerned that the woman in question is going for bikini waxes that last for 45 minutes. Is she a Sasquatch?

E @ Oh! Apostrophe

This post and watching marathons of Teen Mom on MTV make me feel SO much better about my future parenting skill level.


As a newly pregnant woman, this bit of humor was particularly well-timed. Thank you. :^)


And that just provided me with a much needed laugh! Thank you!


The only time I worried about laying on my stomach was when we were installing a toilet and my husband had to hold it up while I /dived/ into place with my 28 week pregnant belly ground against the floor to get those damned screws into place. But that's okay. I was grouting tile three weeks later.

(then again I have to confess I was reading a lot of these message boards at the time for the simple reassurance that I wasn't the stupidest one in the herd.)


Oh I love this so much. You are braver than me, I can't even look at those message boards.


It's the "2/3 of a hershey kiss" description that does me in. I mean, I'm sitting here in a coffeeshop, trying not to make a scene laughing.

Heather B.

Great. Now I get to spend my lunch with someone who is a) clearly having more sex than I am see exhibit A, the belly and b) is more of an expert in it probably because she has more of it and c) OMFG why am I not getting any?? That's my Smackdown question for you.


I'm with @jonniker -- the day-old semen description made me want to curl up under my chair and cry a little. While squirting bleach into my ears to cleanse my brain. What was THAT conversation with her husband like?!?! "Hey, honey, come look at this before I flush it!!" AIEEEEE!!!!!!


Oh what "very popular pregnancy and baby website" could you ever be referring to?


Oh, but you forgot this one. And it's a doozy.

Or maybe you didn't; the response reads like something you might write. ;)


These are all really funny, and I would make fun too, except that I was incredibly paranoid about things when I was pregnant, in face I didn't even want to swim in deep water because I kept feeling like the baby was drowning (completely impossible, I know, yet I couldn't shake the feeling).


Er, in fact, not in face. I'm awesome.



I feel very inteligent, because the only things I've been concerned about during this pregnancy have been a) caffeine and b) poached eggs.

I think I shall have a poached egg tomorrow for breakfast, WITH A RUNNY YOLK NO LESS, and I will enjoy it.


I feel even smarter now that I see I misspelled "intelligent" in my comment above.

I blame the baby, man. Those little buggers suck your brain cells like you wouldn't believe.


If we are getting these posts once a pregnacy, I can't wait until your 4th! Love it! My whole office is laughing:)


Oh, thank you! I can't stop laughing.


It's "Idiocracy"! I'm skeerd!


OMG. I wish there were more questions like these on my pregnancy boards. Mine are just full of self-righteous beeotches who want to put every one else down while proclaiming to be the only person ever who hasn't popped yet/popped so early/felt movement at 2 weeks pregnant/has feelings that matter etc.


Excuse me while I recover from the laughter brought on by your dented child.


Do you ever answer/post on these boards? I have seen those same questions and I usually just sit back and watch the responses come in. Once in a while I feel bad for the asker, because they seemed sincere (although stupid), and they get so beat down by everyone else.
I love later, at the end, when people start posting about what works/doesn't work to induce labor. One of the best that I saw said that semen spread on the outside of your stomach or ingested was better for inducing labor than semen in your vagina/near your cervix. Sure it is....

blodia old semen.

I burst into tears laughing right about when I got to the "The More You Know" image. *wipes a tear*

Overflowing Brain (Katie)

The day old semen thing will haunt my nightmares. And I will never be able to eat a hershey's kiss again. Especially not the white candy cane ones...GAG.

Jenn Bo

I love these more than the deodorant wars. Thank you for the laughs and the sage advice.
btw: I'm 15 weeks, you must be about that too!


good grief you are a funny lady.



Here are the ones I wrote down from my baby boards unedited (June 2009):

1) Could iceing my crotch give baby brain freeze?

2) I might sound dumb asking this question but my favourite movie is out today "Wolverine"!! I was wondering can I go the movie theatre or is it way too loud?? I am afraid it's too noisy for the I over reacting??

3) My wife is due with our first on June 16. We are having a boy and are very excited. I have been reading the posts on here for a while and haven't seen this question yet. Since this is our first my wife have breastfed yet and we are just wondering at what point do the breasts get the hole in them. I didn't know how to word that any better.

4) I'm 9 weeks pregnant and wondering what birth control you're using now because don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be pregnant, but I don't want to get pregnant again

*There were hundreds of responses to this, mostly in the form of you obviously don't know your body at all. But what really got me was when the poster then responded, I don't understand why all of you are reacting this way - Irish Twins is a real thing. It's when you have children less than 12 months apart, which can only mean that you're not done being pregnant with the first before becoming pregnant with the next. To which one person responded, yeah, but you're not pregnant for a YEAR!


Stephanie - Oh my lands, those are fabulous.

"at what point do the breasts get the hole in them."

*runs away screaming*

cindy w

Holy mother of... something.

This explains why I never go to message boards for anything. Ever.


I'd like to know how in the world these women have energy for sex!! My God, at 9 weeks I was puking every 30 min. Sex was the last thing on my mind!


When I was newly pregnant with my first kid (14 years ago and before birth club message boards) I made my husband call poison control because I ate an apple seed. He thought I was crazy, but he humored me.

I would have totally posted a dramatic "what-have-I-done-to-my-bay-bee?!?" post if there had been one available for all of us July 1997 Mommies.

I would have fully deserved all the snarky get-a-grip answers thrown my way.


Read this on my lunch break. I'm pretty sure Minestrone just came out of my nose. Could this hurt my baby, even though I'm not pregnant?

Jen L.

Oh my GAWD. The day-old semen. Jesus Lord Have Mercy. I cannot stop laughing.

cristina t

I almost choked on my lunch when I read the first one. if you ever need a source for additional content, baby-gagas forums are almost painful!


i'm a midwife and this entry brings special joy and laughter to my heart. the next time someone asks me if it's a dangerous problem that sometimes she goes to sleep on her side and wakes up on her back, i'm going to recommend she tie herself down in the side-lying position. because it's the only safe way. if you wake up on your back, call 911!

other classics include (but are not limited to); the baby moves too much - does it have ADHD? ... "i got a bee sting, no allergy, is it dangerous?" ... and someone who had diarrhea twice in one day and diagnosed herself with listeriosis.


OMG. 2/3 of a Hershey's Kiss?! I now have an interesting picture of a very non-traditional Hershey's Kiss in my mind!

I'm pregnant with my first, and I will admit that I Google some pretty weird/probably naive shit. And now, I am really curious about this 3-4 times a day lady! When exactly does that symptom start?!


I lost it when I saw the More You Know image.


This has completely ruined white chocolate Hershey's kisses for me. Like forever.

Emily in IL

*face palm* I'm laughing so hard at these questions - I swear you've been trolling on the bump :D

birdgal (another amy)

These questions are the reasons why I got so depressed watching Idiocracy--we're practically living in one now!

Seriously though, good stuff--I was doing the 'silent laugh' in my cube (holy shit, day old semen!).


I am no pro, but what bikini wax lasts 45 minutes?

I think I'll just keep not going to message boards when I get pregnant.


Who are these people with insane sex drives during pregnancy? OH MY GOSH. Why can this not be universal?


Oh please don't limit yourself to one per pregnancy. In fact, if you can find posts that ruin other types of candy for your readers, it would be the most awesome Amalah weight loss plan. You could make a fortune. And potato chips. Is anyone out there comparing vaginal discharge to potato chips?

Ashley F

I am DYING over here. And seriously? Insane sex drive? I wanted my husband FAR FAR away from me when I was preggo. Namely because he smelled a lot like boy and that was totally gross. Ew.


..........LOL..Oh gosh..those are some special, very detailed, questions.

Caroline in Hawai`i

Amy, I haven't been pregnant for about a hundred years, but I swear by all that's holy that if YOU wrote a pregnancy Q&A column in *exactly this tone* I would be a Constant Reader Of It. Because holy shit, this is the funniest thing I have read for a long time, and I READ EVERYTHING.

People are so stupid anymore, huh? Sheesh.


my favorite is certainly they day old semen. that is freaking disgusting. like why are you posting that on the internet?


My question is, if you are truly afraid that your mucus plug came out why are you consulting message boards AND NOT YOUR DOCTOR...gaaah! sounds like someone who'd call AAA to unlock her car door because she locked the keys in her convertible with the top down ::shakes head::


First of all, STOP making me laugh so hard, I may lose bladder control and I'm not pregnant so I can't blame it on that.

Second, now I have that "The More You Know" jingle stuck in my head and now every time I see one of those commercials I will be reminded of day-old semen.

You are so frickin funny!


UNKNOWINGLY got her belly button pierced?! I'd be more worried about the amnesia and whatever caused it hurting the baby.....


Am I the only one who totally lost it when they read Outie Bone?

Home Sweet Sarah

HAHAHAHA, I'm dying. And also staying far far away from pregnancy message boards.

Suzy Q

Thanks for the update on your lunch. I forgot to put black olives on my grocery list! I'm a moran.


Love this post so so much.


:) I read some preg message boards, and this is exactly what's on a lot of them. Sex sex sex. It's so funny and eww people will write such gross details, why do they think we want to read that.



The bellybutton piercing one? REALLY?!

Also, I just want you to know that I *had* been eating a cream cake when I started reading about the day-old semen.

It may well be the ONLY time I've ever suddenly lost my appetite for cake. :os


I've been reading your blog since Noah was born and this is my first time commenting! this is my favorite post yet! Keep it up!


I believe the correct variation would be, "'You're' a moron," smoking momma!


This is funny. I know it's funny. Except. I'm an adoptive mom and so I didn't get to pass my genes on. But THOSE PEOPLE DID.


mrs. q.

oh my lordie-- I was laughing so hard until I realized these people will have children that may be in school with ours. And possibly date them. *shudder*


I had actually read the original post and was wowed by the stupidity of the question askers, but this totally trumps any of those idiots. It's a good thing these people are able to ask the internet because I can't even imagine them having to ask real life people because MY GOD.

PS. Forever more will a "protein drink" make me think of all of the little potential babies that just never had a chance... Thank you for that one, Internet.

lorrie @ clueless in carolina

Can I just say, being the Grinch that I am, that I get sick of pregnant mothers spitting out a small sip of champagne (as Rachel did on Friends?) Now they are saying a small amount of alcohol is actually beneficial. I have massive experience with FAE and it's no joke but these mothers are draining a bottle of Jack Daniels a night. Please don't flame me, people.


Bwahahahahahaha, I guess I shouldn't admit to drinking lots of coffee (the full test version) and tons o' diet coke through all my pregnancies. I might be branded a villain.

Amanda P

I actually got grief for drinking......(drumroll) Sprite...yeah you know all that "limon"-y goodness was going to make my childs head shaped like Stewie from Family Guy.


I appreciate with your information and i thin that you have to provide very useful information.


Oh lord, I get such entertainment out of my birth board. I do get all "Rawr, science smash" on the flu shot threads though. (Or as I tell my husband, someone is wrong on the internet and I have to stop them!) So many posts of "I ate/did/was within a 20 mile radius of X and I'm worried I killed my baby." You probably didn't, and if you're really that concerned, call your damn doctor!


A friend recommended to her sister to take a nice relaxing bath, since she was uncomfortable at about 34 weeks. Her sister replied with, "OMG I can't do that! I'll drown the baby!" My friend laughed until she realized her sister was freaking serious.

shriek house

But a cigarette isn't THAT much bigger than a pre-natal vitamin, and if those things can be shoved in through the belly button (unless of course, as you so sagely mention, one has an outie bone), I don't see the problem with giving the baby a drag once in a while. Moran.


Of course it will hurt a baby to smoke cigarettes. I hate to see a fetus with a cigarette hanging out of its mouth on an ultrasound. Nip that in the bud.


Ok, I'll confess that I worried about hot baths baking my baby, and was careful not to let the hot shower run on my belly too long, but I KNEW that was crazy and I didn't ask the internet their opinion!

The sprite comment above reminded me that my doula told me that when she was pregnant with #5, her #4, then 3 years old, told her not to drink sprite because the bubbles might go through the baby's "extension cord" and hurt him :-)


I could have gone my whole life without reading someone describe the size of a gob of jizz to a freaking Hershey's kiss. GAH.


OhmyGOD I love this! It almost makes me sad these are real questions.


I just had to comment because my husband's brother and his wife are currently expecting their first and while they are seemingly intelligent people (he's an established Aussie businessman and she's a Jordanian woman working on her PhD) they have made two decisions with her pregnancy that baffle me:
- she will not fly during her pregnancy because she read somewhere that flying is bad for the baby
- she continues to smoke during the pregnancy because by dear BIL read somewhere that giving up smoking is harder on the unborn child than just continuing to smoke through the pregnancy


I had to share because they are morans :)


I think there are several things going on here: breathtaking dumbness is, obviously, one. But I think a deeper issue is the culture of fear that pervades North American baby-rearing. Everything you do screams DANGER DANGER, ALARM! DANGER! Maybe because the advice-givers are afraid of being sued. I donno.

We all need to chill the eff out and relax a bit. Have a small glass of wine! Eat a piece of sushi! Because, you know that the French and the Japanese are living like that and their babies come out just fine.

Me, I was totally afraid of zombies, because I kept singing this song to my baby:


Well, maybe Space_Cake6 got pregnant by a Zombie. In that case her baby is already undead, so smoking will probably not hurt it, and it's also the sort of coping mechanism she will need when that baby comes out. I bet you never thought of that. Now who's the moron?


Day old semen? Could have used a little warning that this would be the grossest (is that a word?) thing I've ever read...yikes. The yogurt I was going to eat for breakfast is not looking quite as appealing as it was a few minutes ago :-(


This post made my day!! I spotted this 'query' on my local baby board a couple of months ago and have been dying to share it!

*This is word for word!*

Since i get married (Dec 2007) i did't miss my period. I'm so happy because i miss it on July is my last period for 7 days.. My last period on 15-20 July. We having sex on July after period ..
But on 14 and 15 August period for 2 days, but not normal, a few only in pink colour.. I'm not having sex on August.
i check it up with Doctor on 22 Sept, Doctor told me im not pregnant after scan. What i suppose to do? It is i must wait for another 1 month to check it up? I'm pregnant or not? I'm so confuse

*No one even bothered to respond with a 'Moran' comment!*


Oh my goodness, thank you for this post!! I am 18 weeks pregnant, completely hormonal and needed to laugh. Hilarious!

Trista Have these people never heard of it?? Seriously...Not that your answers are genius and all...but really??


*AREN'T leaving out that contraction, I basically called you an idiot.

My appologies.


And this is why I avoid pregnancy boards. I often worry the stupidity will wear off on my unborn child and I will be left with a child who is unable to do simple arithmetic. That can happen right?


"loser pants" is one of my favorite posts ever! This post, with the smoking babies, is just as funny.

Jamie B.

Here I am, 25 weeks pregnant with #2, and feeling oh, so, superior. Where do they find these "morans"? Of course, during my first pregnancy, my own OB and the Internets scared the hell out of me because of...menthol cough drops. Seriously. "No more than one every two days or you and the baby will both perish in some dramatic way"...or something. Gah! And, no, I still won't touch them, though I've been battling an awful cold for over a week. Loser. But bring on the caffeine and the soft cheeses!


I'm cracking up at STOP BEING SO SELFISH WITH YOUR VAGINA! I have to find a way to work that into my daily conversations!


TOO FUNNY! Amazing post!


More! More! More!


Question: I am just now 7 weeks with my first baby. I just laughed hysterically at this post. Have a hurt the baby?

Also? Swear to God. Right before I read this post, I looked up if it is safe for me to eat cream cheese. Honest.

Give me a break, this is my first time and someone on Twitter jokingly (I thought) mentioned something about cream cheese and a pregnant woman and I did that little, 'oh wait...' thing.

I'll look forward to more of these posts please!!!!!!


Um, Hi. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and nearly choked on my lunch while reading this. Is it possible that my coughing did something to the baby???? DEAR LORD

I'm with you in that, it's scary sometimes to be pregnant and be worried that everything you do is going to hurt the baby. But at the same time, GOOD LORD, common sense people.


Yes. Yes, it would definitely hurt the baby to smoke, to say nothing of the vaginal burns you'll experience when you shove a lit cigarette up there.

A little common sense, please.


Like Marianne, I am choking on my food at my desk at work. Hilarious!


You are awesome!!


Made. My. Day.

And this day needed to be made. Thanks!


I love you more just because of this post. More making fun of Morans, please!


Keep 'em coming Amy! This post has just made my day! ROTFL!!


"YOUR A MORAN." So awesomely clever. Great way to end such a funny post. *loved it!*


My word, I have not laughed so much in days. What a fabulous post, although I really wish those weren't real posts. Eeks. The 90+ comments are pretty great too, what a fan club! I love the one about the toilet installation at 28 weeks. I'm wrapping up week 24 and very much enjoyed my sushi and moderate serving of wine last night. Bet the kiddo did too!


Best. Post. Ever.
I'm new to your site (found you through AlphaMom), but MAN! this is great stuff.
...this post, and "Teen Mom" really DO make me feel like a qualified person to have a child. ;)


I used to love reading those Q&A's on babycenter. "Is it safe for my baby if I jump out of a plane? What if I go waterskiing in my 8th month?" Darwinism, people. I blame reality TV for reducing our collective IQs by 50% (except for Top Chef which is hi quality, because I watch it.)

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