Bounceback
Tidings of Great Cranky Joy

500 Postings About Hair Dye & Hot Dogs, Yet No One Ever Asks About The Risk Posed By Zombies

Last week, someone linked to a verrrrry old post of mine, one I'd almost forgotten about. Even though I think I originally intended to spin it into a regular feature -- a weekly round-up of the ridiculous questions people post on pregnancy message boards and those user-powered question and answer things that quickly tend to devolve into ill-informed leading the illiterate. 

I abandoned the idea of it becoming a regular thing once I realized that:

1) The questions all get damn repetitive after awhile, to the point you get so sucked in and desensitized that you start thinking it's perfectly reasonable to post three dozen different questions about the listeria risk of deli meats but what about bologna or hot dogs or Slim Jims or sliced cheese and should I get my stomach pumped because I put lox-flavored cream cheese on my bagel OMG?* and

2) I kind of felt mean, picking on other pregnant women who are just trying SO HARD to do everything SO RIGHT and it's not their fault if their doctors aren't explaining things very well or their first-grade teacher failed to leave them with any real grasp of the alphabet. 

But hey! Once a pregnancy seems to be about a good rate, I think! 

*Totally a serious question that someone asked. I get the sense if these people saw what I ate for lunch yesterday** they would definitely judge me right back for Completely Failing At Pregnancy, so let's just say we're even.

**Summer sausage, can of black olives, Coca-Cola. And by God, I'd eat it again, if only we had any left.

Let's start off in the "Family Life During Pregnancy" section of a very popular pregnancy and baby website. However, don't let the category name fool you: All anybody wants to talk about is sex. 

i understand it is safe to have sex during pregnancy, is it still so when the woman is on top? both my husband and i enjoy sex almost every day, and our favorite position is myself on top. for me its more comfortable but lately i worry that the baby could be hurt or shaken around to much. i am 9 weeks pregnant and am starting to show.

You could honestly hold this question up as Standard Boilerplate for the sex-and-pregnancy section: Newly pregnant woman professes to Have Sex Almost Constantly, yet seems completely unaware of some of the most important fundamentals (no, the baby is not going to "see" anything, nor will your uterus pop like a balloon if he sticks his penis "really far up there"), and who responds to every question/article declaring various sex acts to be safe with an immediate, "YES, BUT WHAT ABOUT [INSERT SLIGHT VARIATION ON SAID SEX ACT DESCRIBED IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL COMPLETE WITH FREQUENCY OF PERSONAL ENJOYMENT]?"

The baby is not drinking semen, ladies. All the nutrients that go to the baby, go through the umbilical cord, filtered beautifully by the placenta. So enjoy a little high-protein drink if you want! And beware of personifying sperm. You may start having bad dreams when you start thinking about all the ones that don't make it.

This one starts out so wonderfully blunt and full of common sense, with a dash of real honest-to-God knowledge and science!

And then you get to that last bit. I think maybe I'll stick with a Slim-Fast. Or not. Do they make a vegan version?

Hi I am just beginning my 14th week and I am very worried. My husband and i had sex 2 days ago and that same evening, when I went to pee, nothing came out (if you know what I mean) as it usually would. The morning after our tryst, I went to pee only to see a long white stretch thread dangling from my body. I had to *pull* it out and it came out in one piece and it was whitish, no odor. It was like the slime I used to buy as a kid from the quarter toy machines. The quantity was about... 2/3 the size of a hershey's kiss. This morning, I had the same kind of discharge in the bathroom, although way smaller. I am terrified that this I am beginning to lose my mucous plug. I am having no other symptoms. Can sex cause you to lose your mucous plug? I am so scared, I thought I'd just gotten out of the danger zone. This is my first pregnancy. Husband says it's just (ew) day old semen and that the change in my vaginal pH caused it not to leak out right away. He didn't see it though. Help?

1) Yes, I am pretty sure you are describing -- in colorful, agonizing detail -- your husband's day-old semen to the Internet.

2) Someone answered this question (three times!) with a description of how your vagina gets swollen during pregnancy. The swelling holds the baby inside better, you see, but it can also make semen leak out slower. 

The_more_you_know

we have been having sex 3-4 times a day since i've been pregnant. is this safe? my sex drive is waaaay up.

Oh, bite me.

And now on to the more general batshittery of the "Is It Safe?" section of question topics...

If I go to a haunted house and get scared at 4 weeks pregnant will that hurt my baby?

Yes. Absolutely. What the fuck are you thinking? Do you have any idea what would have happened to human beings as a species if pregnant women ever allowed themselves to feel emotions of any kind? That's why you see all those cave drawings of primitive tribes with the men running from dangerous predators while the ladies sat down and did some yoga. STOP BEING SO SELFISH WITH YOUR INSTINCTS.

I get bikini waxes regularly and now that I'm at week 16, I'm not supposed to be lying on my back even to rest. Is it safe to lie on my back for the 30-45 minutes it takes to get my wax?

The only times it is safe to lie on your back while pregnant is during ultrasounds, every prenatal visit ever, and probably for the duration of your labor if you give birth at a hospital with an epidural. Otherwise, STOP BEING SO SELFISH WITH YOUR VAGINA.

I just found out that i have been pregnant for 6weeks and in that time i unknowingly got my belly button pierced..could that have been or could be harmful to the baby or puncture the cord or something along those lines?

Hang on. Let me check my resource on anatomy first -- the toe bone's connected to the ankle bone, the ankle's connected to the leg bone, the belly button's connected to the life-giving umbilical cord of your unborn fetus which is why everybody knows you just shove your prenatal vitamin directly in your belly button unless you have an outie bone...

OH SHIT, DUDE.

I was trying to take a picture of my son crawling through a tunnel, and without thinking I laid down on my belly. Immediately, I realized that I shouldn't be doing that, and it felt uncomfrtable. I moved right away, and was only laying on my belly for a few seconds. I am 22 weeks... Is this something that will hurt the baby?

Don't worry about it. My second kid came out kind of dented but I totally love him just as much as the first one anyway. At some point you just have to relax and not blame yourself for everything lol

would it hurt the baby to smoke cigarettes?

The power of Web 2.0 crowdsourcing at its finest, people. I mean, where else could user space_cake6 have EVER found this sort of valuable information before someone invented the Internet Q&A board format? Plus there's the bonus of having a good 100 people type variations on "YOUR A MORAN" in response to her question. 

Comments

Rebecca

I just read this aloud to my sister as she did my hair and we were both laughing so hard there were tears streaming down our faces! LOL

Jane

Best. Post. Ever!!!
You made my night!

Kyla

This makes me miss the baby boards a little. Haha! So many idiots procreating!

Barefoot Liz

Never underestimate the stupidity of people. It's both funny and scary how clueless people can be.

Sara

Can we perhaps require a test before people get pregnant? Basic anatomy, Sex Life 101, identifying day-old semen? Too funny.

April G.

I'm grossed out that Day Old Semen Lady called it a "tryst" with her husband. Barf.

Liz

This is possibly one of my favorite blog posts ever. EVER.

Also, I envy your summer sausage. I'm not overly-terrified of listeria I don't think, but even I won't eat Something That's Been Sitting On a Plate Outside Yankee Candle For God Knows How Long. I suppose it might be time to actually -purchase- one if I keep thinking about them this much though...

Rachael

It is unfathomable to me that people are so ignorant. Really? You think getting your BELLY button pierced could hurt your baby physically? Are you unaware of human anatomy and the size of your baby at that point? Dude.

My Mom dated a guy once who was in his 30s and HAD A KID who thought that the in utero baby got nutrition by PULLING ON THE UMBILICAL CORD when it was hungry. Like to... order food? And he was totally serious.

Emily

I seriously laughed out loud. Several times.
And mostly about the anatomy.

ah.... pregnancy forums. They can be great ab exercise.

Swistle

It has been a long time since I laughed so hard. So thank you.

Rach from Planet-Cards

AS IF she described (in wonderful detail) her husbands day old semen.... my colleagues were bemused by my cries of 'omg. please tell me she did not just write that on the internet'..... oh how i laughed!

linka72

Amalah..I just scream-laughed for 10 minutes after reading this...I'm 12 weeks pregnant..will this hurt my fetus???..LOL

Dawn Moffat McMaster

I'm currently in my 8th month (because I'm not so great at keeping track of the exact week this time around)and trying to avoid grading the latest round of college papers, and good gad! that was exactly what I needed. Seriously, my dear, best of luck, and thanks for the laughs. Keep it coming - you're one of my sanity refuges these days.

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