Zah's Take
We Called Them Rinse & Spit Cups, Even Though We Never Did Either Of Those Things

The 10 Stages of Narrowing Avoiding a Speeding Ticket

Note: This post is a work of complete and utter nonsense. Any resemblance to actual bloggers living or typing this exact sentence is purely coincidental.

Stage One: Obliviousness

La la la laaaaa, I am driving. I am driving somewhere important, though not like, political thriller or apocalypse movie type important, where I'm driving to stop an assassination or fleeing a giant fireball of lava, but important to ME, and my little life, and I matter. I am a person with meaning and purpose. In fact, I am BUSY and IMPORTANT, so get the fuck out of my way, all you other assholes on the road! Zoom! ZOOMZOOM!

Stage Two: Oh Shit, That's a Cop Right There

Self-explanatory. 

Stage Three: Endless Possibilities of Hopeful Hope & Optimism

Maybe the cop already pulled somebody over? Maybe he's just sitting in the car minding his own business? Filling out some paperwork? On the side of the highway? Just because? No? Maybe the radar gun wasn't aimed at me? Maybe the car in front of me? Maybe I wasn't actually going that fast? Maybe he saw how great I just was about slamming on the brakes to slow down so he knows that I got the point and in the end, isn't that really all that matters?

Stage Four: Sinking Realization That You Are Likely Screwed

The cop gets back in his cop car.

The words coming out of your mouth become a strange, unearthly mix of obscenities and prayerful promises. Like speaking in tongues, in a way, only with a lot of f-bombs.

Stage Five, Option A: In Which You Prepare to Bargain

Think of an excuse. THINK OF AN EXCUSE. One of the children is sick! Or has to pee! No, I can't involve them in this...they're useless at lying on cue. I'm sick! I have to pee! How pregnant do I look today?  I'm late! I'm delivering meals to the elderly! Toddlers for the shut-ins! Medicine for the puppies! Transplant organs!

Stage Five, Option B: In Which You Realize You've Been Playing a Little Too Much Grand Theft Auto

Maybe if I just sloooooowly and caaaaaaasually move the car into the far right lane he'll lose track of me. And then gun it up the breakdown lane up to that tractor trailer, which I could drive UNDER and then lose him on the other side of a billboard or something. Look at that median. I could so totally take that median. Fuck this. I AM TAKING THIS CAR AIRBORNE OVER THAT MOTHERFUCKING MEDIAN. CIRCLE RIGHT TRIANGLE LEFT UP ARROW!

Stage Six: Asking the Eternal Question

Will it make any difference if I cry? 

Stage Seven: The Rearview of Hope

His lights are on but he's kind of far behind me...doesn't seem to be gunning it in this direction or anything...did that car just put on its turn signal? Is that car...pulling over? 

Stage Eight: The Gift of the Baby Angels From Heaven

IT IS! AND THE COP TOO! IT WASN'T ME! HE WASN'T AFTER ME! Oh my God, I will never go over the speed limit again, I swear, in fact, I think I shall just take some deep breaths and coast along at 45 or so for now. 

Stage Nine: Schadenfreude

HA HA LOOK AT THAT JACKASS WHO JUST GOT PULLED OVER

Stage 10: Five Minutes Later, In Which You Learn Nothing

Seriously, people, could you drive ANY slower? I've got places to be already! I AM VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT, IN CASE YOU HAD NOT HEARD. ZOOOOOOOM!

Comments

Kathryn

Ha, I had the exact same experience a month ago! Sheer panic when I saw those lights come on, and I found myself wondering whether I could manage to get off an exit and "lose" him before he could catch up to me. Thankfully, he was after some total asshole who was driving too fast. Pshaw.

de

haha, well, I wasn't so lucky! Nothing like getting pulled over right in front of your kids preschool at pick-up time while the other parents are rolling out. Hey, LOOK at the JACKASS that got pulled over in front of the school, realizing, wait, that's our homeroom parent! Followed by some waving to me, and possibly a few smirks! Ahhhh, the joy of being me!
On the bright side, I got to hang in court with another Mom who got pulled over the week before, but you know, not in front of the school or anything cool like that.

de

Also, to clarify! I wasn't speeding in a school zone - it's a church preschool, people! Chill! Oh, and that's like the first time I had been pulled over in TWELVE YEARS. Seriously!

Whozat

de - I can beat that. When I was teaching middle school, I was zooming down the road to work (not yet in the school zone) and evidently caught the attention of a cop. But he didn't catch my attention. Until he pulled up behind me and gave me a ticket in the parking lot. In front of the school. While all my coworkers and students and their parents were watching. Niiiice.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

You so totally could have cleared that median.

Christy

Hahaha! This is classic. "Asking the Eternal Question." Love it. You are so funny.

HomeValley

SPOT. ON.

Dawn

Yup. Of course I was less lucky a month back and got nailed with a nasty speeding ticket. Been debating paying it or maybe going to court, but I live in the evil tri state county that shall not be named and never lets off speeders:<

Amy

Classic Amalah. This is why I fell in love with you.

Avitable

I think this post needed photos of various facial expressions.

Avitable

. . . to accompany each stage (is what my comment would have said if I hadn't prematurely enterjaculated.

Jaeley

Here's the only thing better (and this happened to me last week):

You're speeding. The cop pulls out from his hiding place and you know you're screwwwwwed. You throw on your blinker and are just about to pull onto the shoulder when some MONSTROUS idiot flies past the both of you. At the last second, the cop car screams after him. And you're safe. And shaking. And never going to drive again. Nope. I'm done.

Belle

Maybe you need to work with Noah and Ezra on the lying thing... it's a valuable life skill.

Jenny Joy

I heart you.

Katy

OMG, this happened to me like TWO DAYS ago and it was the BEST feeling ever realizing that po po wasn't coming to get me. Zoom!

Lisa

Oh yes, thank you for writing my life. I am 46 years old and have NEVAH gotten a speeding ticket. And I feel like I am jinxing myself every time I write that little fact. But haha - coppers will never catch me! (please)

Kristen

This is my life story, as far as driving goes. Especially the too much Grand Theft Auto part.

Karen

I got pulled over going 50 in a 25 MPH zone...oops. It's a speed trap, I should have known better--one of those roads that is leading out to the rural area, but it's not 50 MPH yet...

And my kids were all with me. When I am pulled over by a cop, I cry. I cry buckets. I cry because I think my husband will be angry (he never is),I cry because I'm so embarassed that I was speeding like that, that my kids saw me...

Anyway, this stupid woman cop was pretending to be all sympathetic and everything, while writing up the ticket and she actually asked my 10 year old "So are you gonna yell at your mom when I'm gone, tell her she shouldn't have been speeding?"

I love that kid because he stared at her and said, "No, I can't imagine ever yelling at my own MOTHER." He was all, come on, lady, do you see how upset my mom is? Why don't you give her a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

Kacie

Um, Grand Theft Auto much? You and Scott need to talk for reals. HE IS ADDICTED!!!! And I just sit there and yell at him for running that lady over, or stealing that cop car, or (God forbid) jumping that median! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

liz

I have gotten a couple of speeding tickets. And after the accident I was in early last month, I am no longer speeding. Nor am I taking left-turns at uncontrolled intersections.

And I'm yelling at every asshole who is driving at dusk without their headlights on. Because that's who hit me. But it was my fault for taking the left.

So be careful out there. Use your headlights. And your seatbelts.

Issa

Were you in my car this morning? Or yesterday? The day before that? Hmmm, I may need to go look in my backseat under all the Cheeze-it's.

SarahB

Karen, that is the best comment story ever.

Heide

Love this story.

Txtingmrdarcy

Stage 8 & 9 = me doing the silent laugh of doom in my cube while worrying that my boss will appear in MY rearview mirror and "catch me reading those damn blogthings again"

Yezelbelle

Is it sad that I totally love the GTA comment...and that I may have also thought the same?

Who says video games ruin our youth?

Catherine

This EXACT thing happened to me last week. Except you forgot the stage where you get all shaky with relief when you realize it's not you he's after. Or, uh, maybe that was just me.

Sarah

Classic Amalah for sure! And yes, Karen, that story wins.

Kirby

I always think the cops are about to pull me over, even when I'm not even close to speeding. Of course i also have the same issue with imaginary authority figures as you have described, so having REAL ones even in the vicinity makes me very nervous.


This link has nothing to do with speeding, but i thought of you and your adorably nerdy family when I saw it.
http://www.geekologie.com/2010/12/arts_crafts_diy_paper_star_war.php

Serena

Hilarious! I've had the exact same thing happen to me on the beltway more times than I can remember.

Also because I majored in English and please don't hate me... "narrowly" :)

Melissa

Too funny.

My DH and almost half of his family are police officers in the area where I live - so my chances of actually getting a ticket are low, but I still freak out when I see a cop. Then, I remember that my husband stapled his business card to my registration, insurance card, anything he could get his hand on - since I told him I'll never pull the old "Sorry officer. My husband will be so upset with me. Do you know who he is?"

Julia

this exact thing happened to me on Sunday after driving my son back to the airport. I didn't even tell anyone because the story just wouldn't be that good, except now you've told it for me! maybe I will steal your delivery :)

Jenna

Oh this made me snort my spiked cider all over my keyboard!

'Toddlers for the shut-ins'?? I L O V E love you for this.

Rachel

Yeah... I will never forget driving home from one of my college classes a few years back, I was sick with bronchitis, felt like crap and just wanted to get home. Well, I hit the long stretch between the interstate and home I was going about 65 in a 55. The second I came over the hill and saw the cop coming the other direction I had that "I'm screwed feeling". I slowed to 55 and watched. Yep. He turned on his lights and pulled into the U-turn area.

Well... you know usually your first reaction is the whole "crap" thing. Not mine. I was a good ways ahead at this point and my gut reaction -- well I got in the right hand lane and turned myself directly onto a neighborhood road that runs about 6 miles to another part of town. I turned down a side street and saw the cop turn as I disappeared from sight. I proceeded down a few more side streets before directing myself back to the road I was on.

My family had a good laugh about that for a while. Of all the instincts to kick in... I run from the police! lol.

My mom asked what I would have said if he'd caught up and pulled me over?

I hadn't thought that far ahead yet! :P

Julie

This has been me more than I'd like to admit!! So Funny!

also, been reading about your latest Angry Birds continuing obsession over at twitter and realized that perhaps you are or are not aware of these sweet little finds: http://shop.angrybirds.com/
I hear Santa may be leaving a few under the tree at our equally obsessed house....

Karen Sugarpants

Hahahaha...I live this daily. I now know exactly where the cops hide, and I slow down for those spots, but this morning they were radar gunning from an overpass and my heart stopped, because I was thinking there was a criminal type gunman shooting all the drivers but realized all the cars in front of me were still driving like normal and not like possibly shot people would drive, because shot people wouldn't be able to control their cars properly, so I knew it was a cop with his radar gun thingy and I was all "oh no way motherf*cker!" and then I saw they had no less than FOUR other people pulled over. PURE REJOICING after passing them all - the cops were too busy to bust my ass for going 24km over the speed limit. WHEW.

Katie

The EXACT. SAME. FUCKING THING. Happened to me last week. Except my "I will never go over the speedlimit again, swear to god" lasted the rest of the drive.

. . . okay, it lasted about ten miles. And I felt bad about it when I went fast!

Is there anything better than the feeling of relief when the cop pulls someone else over when you TOTALLY deserved it? I think not. ;)

Lana

Upon reading this post, I realize that I have found my "Tribe"...Wonderful!

KimberlyC

Notably, in the first year of marriage, I ducked out on a cop. He saw me at the bottom of a hill, turned out and I took a shortcut through a neighborhood. My husband thought I was the sh*t. I felt like a shit. Usually I just pull over when I think that they have gotten me. Ya know what I think is funny? My mother in law just got her first speeding ticket and STILL thinks that the officer was in the wrong because "they will give you five miles over" But yeah, lady. If you are going 15 miles over, you are getting a ticket for 15 miles over the limit, not ten. She still doesn't get it.

Plano Mom

If you were in Texas, you'd factor in the amount of time that had passed since your last Defensive Driving class (one year before you can take it again and keep the ticket off your record).

Why is it so hilarious when you say it? It's EXACTLY what goes on in my head.

Elaine C.

Ha, great post! This is so ridiculously realistic; I love it!

Smitty

While driving cross-country in college (in a Mustang convertible, of course, only enhancing my total and utter obnoxiousness), I was cruising along at about 90 mph through a particularly flat portion of Kansas (as if there's any other kind) when I saw a cop coming from the other direction. Sure enough, he turned around in the median...but I pulled off the next exit immediately, cruised into a McD's parking lot, parked behind a huge 18-wheeler, and ran and hid in the bathroom for half an hour until my friends told me the cop had finally left. Dignified? No, and certainly not as bad-ass as GTA...but I still relish that single victory in the face of ten speeding tickets over the last 20 years. It can be done!!

ccr in MA

"No, I can't involve them in this...they're useless at lying on cue."

Fantastic! I was trying pretty hard not to laugh out loud reading this at work.

BarbG

Ok. Truly this is why I'm such a fan. And my dad is a JUDGE! Imagine the 'splaining I have to do when I'm pulled over!! And I have one of those little badge-y things in my wallet that shows I'm a family member of a judge. Yeah, it never works either.. Love you, Amy!

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