The 10 Stages of Narrowing Avoiding a Speeding Ticket
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We Called Them Rinse & Spit Cups, Even Though We Never Did Either Of Those Things

This photo is for my sister, who is currently pacing a hospital waiting room while her daughter, my niece, undergoes emergency gallbladder surgery. You know, for kicks.

Dixie cups

Yeah. It's kind of an inside joke. Which would ideally involve each and every one of those cups filled with shots of contraband Pinot Grigio. On Christmas morning. While huddled in the guest room under the guise of last-minute present wrapping. Which may or may not have actually happened. 

Anyway.

Between that and another week full of chemo treatments and bargain-basement platelet counts, I'm in a giddy sort of limbo where I don't feel particularly funny, nor do I feel capable of being all maudlin and introspective. I'm just sort of spent. Maybe I just need a drink. Or a hug. Or some kind of chocolate-y boozy drink that could be the equivalent of a hug. 

Come to think of it, those mini-sized Dixie cups seem like the perfect serving size for a pregnant woman to safely consume alcohol in moderation. Plus look! At the packaging! The cups have ARMS. I feel comforted already.

Meanwhile...

1) I am recapping Top Chef All-Stars this season at Mamapop. Unfortunately, several of my personal Top Chef All-Time Most Disliked Douchebags are back again. Fortunately, my hatred gives me strength. Delicious, bacon-foam-flavored strength.

2) New column up at The Stir, in which I pretty much guarantee myself an immediate whack in the face as the Quirky Behavior Pendulum swings back in the other direction and takes me out in the process. 

3) There's enough new advice columns up at AlphaMom to prevent you from making any stupid life choices, particularly ones involving being productive at work on a Friday afternoon. Heavens, no.

4) We have a winner in the Windows 7 phone giveaway thingie, and it's...Mrs. Q of Nuclear Momb! With apologies to those of you who tirelessly commented on that post each and every single day possible, Mrs. Q won with a single, solitary comment that she left without even realizing there was a giveaway involved in the first place. This tells me that during the next electrical storm, we should all either stand directly next to her...or as far away as possible. Definitely one of those two things. 

5) Once I accomplish a fifth thing, I will type it here. In the meantime, I'm going to eat the shit out of something unhealthy and high in butter content. Golf claps for me and thing number five!

Comments

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Thinking of your sister and niece... And of course, your father. Sending you imaginary chocolate-y drink hugs. But if I find them in real life, I'll send you some of the real ones too.

Leah

I recommend Mexican hot chocolate (spiced with cinnamon) with a teeny, tiny dash of tequila. You and the baby will both love it.

Wallydraigle

I am waiting for the pregnancy police to come out and remind you that you shouldn't be drinking. I am hoping that by leaving this comment, I will jinx that, and not a single one will show up. Hah!

I feel weird hugging a complete stranger through the Internet, but if anyone ever needed it this week, it's probably you. I hope your niece comes through with flying colors!

Rebecca

I just heard this morning on the radio about a mom who would put vodka in her chocolate milk, since that was a drink she has around with the kids. Now she marketing it and selling it!
http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/11/30/the-unlikely-four-loko-alternative-40-proof-chocolate-milk/

Would that comfort you? I mean, just a little with being pregnant.

SarahB

Yes. The Mexican Hot Chocolate. It is like a hug in a cup. I remember the first time I had it, on a very dark night the week before finals one year in college.

Best to your family during this very trying time.

Amalah

Wallydraigle - Right? I left it wide open for them and everything! Perhaps people either 1) generally get that I am joking, or 2) have completely written me off as a lost cause.

I am eating American cheese slices straight out of the package right now. Just wanted to share.

Laura

Hi Amy, I found your blog last week and good lordy you are hysterical and such a wonderful writer. I'm addicted to reading all your archives at work (I'm rockin' out everyone's tax dollars, yeah!)

When I was pregnant, I would scour the internet for sites that said it was OK to drink wine during pregnancy but alas, they are few and far between. But just think what a cheap date you'll be on the other side! XO

Britt

There's going to come a time when all the awesomeness you and yours deserve is going to come flooding from somewhere leaving you guys trying to catch your breath. It's taking a fucking while to get here, though.
Hugs.

kari weber

mmmmmmm...... American cheese....

Elaine

Oh god the fact that you are eating american cheese reminds me of one of my favorite Simpson's moments ever....

Homer: 64 Slides of American Cheese.... (eats all fo them)

Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?!

Homer: I think I'm blind!

tracey

Ok, I'm not a doctor and I've never played one on tv, but I have had 3 kids.

#1 pregnancy: no caffeine. No alcohol. No weird foods. Produced lovely son with ADHD, Executive Functioning Disorder, etc. Etc. HIGH MAINTENANCE CHILD to be kind.

#2 pregnancy: itty bit of caffeine, a few wines, and an accidental bungee jumping incident before we knew I was pregnant (my bad). Produced a fairly normal son with some high emotions. Overall, an easier child but still needy.

#3 pregnancy: said screw it and drank at least 2 coffees a day, indulged in wine all the time (but never more than 1 a day! I'm not THAT bad), and ate weird and salty foods whenever I felt like it. Produced a daughter that slept through the night at 5 days old, reading at age of 4, social butterfly with more empathy than my boys combined. Overall, the easiest child of ALL.

May not be highly scientific, but I am thinking that stimulants and alcohol are given a slightly bad rap in pregnancy... DRINK ON!

Nancy Clark

Eat chocolate and cheese. They are good for you. Like everything else in life this will also pass. I lost my mother when I was six months pregnant with my third daughter. We both did survive. I hope the same for you.

Kimm

We had tilapia encrusted with corn chips-like Tostidos, called Sanitas-for supper. Cooked in butter, nicely browned, with salsa...mmmmmm. I'm 25 wks preg., and highly recommend this.

Virginia

Wait. Did the Universe not get the message? Amy's family has had Enough Already! That surgery had better go well. Keep hanging i there.

And as far as Alcohol in pregnancy - our adopted son has FAS/FAE - sorta mildish seeming right now but we won't really know the full extent of the damage 'till he starts making important decisions as a tween and teen. You know - decisions like whether or not to realize he needs to pay for that comic book before he walks out of the store with it or whether or not to mouth back at the teacher or grab that cute girl's ta-tas while he is speaking to her. FAS/FAE is not fun, the frontal lobe gets utterly Fried and any progress you can make is only the result of constant, ceaseless, continuing and repeated efforts to rewire synapses around the fried area. And some progress today and tomorrow doesn't guarantee that next week you won't be back at square 1 or square -5 and have to start all over. Again and again. It is exhausting, discouraging, heartbreaking and no one knows how much or at what point in pregnancy is enough to cause damage.

Just trust me and eat chocolate instead. All you want. And have a hug, too.

Virginia

Sigh - just read the rest of the comments and I guess I'm the pregnancy police. Sorry to be the party pooper. I just know that all the research I've done is pretty darn damning and discouraging. Some days I'd like to beat the s*it out of my son's Bith Mom and she claims to have stopped drinking the minute she discovered her pregnancy.

Jacqueline

I keep wine hidden in my suitcase when we visit my grandmother, and my husband and uncle are known to sit in our car in the driveway and drink beer. We do what we have to in order to stay sane during family get-togethers.

Christina

"Or some kind of chocolate-y boozy drink that could be the equivalent of a hug."

You have to try this ... in moderation of course
http://chocovine.com/

It's chocolate wine! And while it sound gross, it's yum yum yum! No really it is!

Barb

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
Got that from a dixie cup back in the day.

Shannnon @nwaMotherlode

Off topic, but I was in Williams Sonoma last night and thought of you. They had all kinds of Star Wars goodies: cupcake kit, cookie cutters, pancake molds, Darth Vader spatula (too funny) and aprons.

Enjoy!

Susan

Snackbox just turned two yesterday (what?!) and my best friend gave him a pretend coffeemaker and toaster. I opened the box and he said "Mama's coffee!" - obviously he watched me drink a cup daily while pregnant with his little brother.

Also, dog bless the midwives who told me that it's okay to drink a little red wine and sit in a 99 degree hot tub while enormously preggo - I think they were more concerned with my husband's safety as I am not a nice enormously preggo person.

Siobhan

I hope everything goes well with your neice's surgery. I had to undergo emergency gallbladder surgery when my son, who is now five, was just four weeks old. Basically my entire last trimester when I kept telling my doctors I was in horrible pain and they kep telling me pregnancy is hard, suck it up, I was having horribly damaging gallbladder attacks. They didn't figure it out until the baby was no longer inside me and I was still in pain and viola! Emergency surgery. Point being, after she recovers from the actual surgery, which isn't too bad if it's done laparoscopically, she will feel so much better. Gallbladder attacks are extremely painful, like worse than transition labor painful. Of course I don't know how long she's had the problem but even if she's only had a few attacks, just knowing she won't have to go through that pain again will be a huge relief. The worst part of the surgery recovery is just the pain you get in your shoulders from all the air they pump into your abdomen during the surgery. I never had a c-section but I believe it's similar. And much smaller incisions than a c-section as well. She should be up and around in a week or so. I am really sorry though, the universe needs to lay off your family already.

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