Star Wars to the Rescue, Again
Life With Boys

New Year, Same Crap, Now With Bonus CAPS LOCK

So. 2011. Another year, another realization that I missed my own blog's anniversary about a month or so ago...Thanksgiving-ish? December if we're waiting until I actually started posting anything other than entries that said stuff like TESTING TESTING IS THIS THING ON HA HA IT'S A BLOG BUT I'M TREATING IT LIKE A MICROPHONE OMG I AM LIKE THE MOST ORIGINAL PERSON TO EVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO ACCESS THE INTERNET? 

Anyway. Here I am, about to embark on my EIGTH YEAR of blogging, and I feel like the first entry of 2011 should be a good one. An important one. I should at least attempt to spell things mostly correctly. And I should have a really, really good topic. 

THINGS THAT ARE NOT GOOD TOPICS, PROBABLY

1) Bitching about the person who is selling a set of bunk beds on Craigslist for $150 yet has not responded to my email about wanting to buy said bunk beds. Which means they either enjoy keeping me in suspense OR they have already sold the bunk beds to someone else, someone else who does not DESERVE THEM like I do, who will not LOVE THEM like I will, so FINE, bunk-bed seller person, I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY WITH THAT MEASLY $150, though you should know I totally would have thrown in the extra $50 you mentioned for the mattresses, provided they weren't like, gross or smelly or anything. Nothing but the best for MY preshus ruffians. 

1a) Unless you just haven't checked your email yet today. In that case I take it all back. Pick me! I am not at all the unhinged sort of person who gets completely hysterical over used furniture deals on Craigslist or anything, oh no. 

1b) I can come get them tonight! Just sent me your home address. Uh-huh. Do it. 

2) I have a cold. I would literally crush a set of solid maple bunk beds with my bare hands right now, if it meant I could take some goddamn Advil Cold & Sinus instead of all these various safe-for-pregnancy remedies that are not doing a goddamn thing. 

2a) First person who suggests a Neti Pot gets sold on Craigslist.

2b) Seriously, if it's not used in a meth lab, I DON'T WANT IT. WAH.

3) So remember that time I ran out of gas and didn't have my wallet and did a whole bunch of other dumb shit all in a shockingly narrow timeframe? And still found time to worry about Noah's bus driver getting mad at me because I didn't manage to call the dispatch depot to tell them we weren't going to be home in time?

3a) Well! I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT, because today the bus pulled up in front of our house, and waited NOT EVEN 30 SECONDS before pulling away and gunning it down the street. I literally turned away from the window to zip up Noah's coat -- with no bus in sight -- and then turned back around and BAM. There was the bus, hightailing it away from our house. I didn't even hear the brakes squeal, that high-pitched squeal that jolts me awake in a panic every Tuesday morning at 7 am because the garbage truck's brakes make the same squeal and I flip out because THE BUS THE BUS THE BUS IS FIVE HOURS EARLY AND I AM UNPREPARED FOR IT. 

3b) The bus also usually gives us a courtesy honk if we're not out there when it pulls up. But clearly, those days are over, because of That Time I Didn't Call I Just Know It. I shall now totally resume my regular topographical surveys of my backyard to inspect for possible volcano lumps

3c) Or maybe because I didn't give the bus drivers a Christmas gift? Are you supposed to give bus drivers Christmas gifts? Don't answer that. I don't really want to know. Besides, there are FOUR OF THEM, including ride-on aides, plus a bajillion alternates, and I don't really know what all their names are and frankly the pick-up people are kind of rude and scary and Noah has five regular teachers PLUS therapists and art and P.E. and I feel like the gift card/cookie basket madness had to end SOMEWHERE, but then they gave Noah a card and a miniature candy cane a couple days before the holiday break and I was like, "BAIT. GIFT CARD BAIT. BAH HUMBUG."

3d) So I had to drive Noah to school. Luckily, I was actually dressed, though it wasn't until we got there and I was mid-rant to his teacher about I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I SWEAR WE WERE RIGHT THERE BY THE WINDOW THE WHOLE TIME IT CAME EARLY AND THEN DROVE AWAY SO FAST BLAH BLIBBITY CRAZY LADY TALK that I realized I was still wearing my bedroom slippers.

4) Yep. 2011 is pretty much shaping up to be exactly the same as the last eight years or so. Personal growth and development are for suckers.

5) PLEASE PRETEND I HAD A FIFTH THING THERE. WHY CAN'T MY LISTS EVER JUST HAVE FIVE THINGS ON THEM TO BEGIN WITH?  GOD.

Comments

Miss Grace

I have the same rule about cold medicine. If it can't make meth, it is dead to me.

Kate

Ginger, garlic, cinnamon and honey. That's why my doctor told my pregnant ass to take.

This last cold (where I was violently ill for 10+ days) they FINALLY gave me inhaled steroids. Taking it from annoying cold level to googling pregnancy-induced asthma. I blame this on my partner - I'm usually healthy as a horse, but HIS child is giving me HIS immune system.

HolyMama!

if you'd really somehow evolved into something better or different than this... i woulda stopped reading years ago. here's to your year 8!

Suzy Q

How about next year you give the bus people full-size candy canes? That'll trump their minis!

Hope you feel better soon.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Yay for Year Eight!

Sorry about the bus sitch - that sounds very anxiety-ridden. Yikes. Also because bus drivers who bear accidental-call-failure and/or I-didn't-get-a-holiday-gift grudges probably shouldn't be driving buses full of small children.

Issa

This: First person who suggests a Neti Pot gets sold on Craigslist.

Can I use that on Twitter the next time I'm sick? Holy crap the Neti Pot lovers are scary. "It cured my botulism in one day. And? Then a money tree sprouted outta my arse. You NEEEEEED to do this 62 times a day."

Peachy

I have a pair of ancient sweats I wear as pajamas, and I can only put them on after the kids are in bed. Why, you ask? Because the tush-al (it is SO a word) area is worn through along the seam and they are threatening to split outright any minute and meanwhile are virtually transparent. So guess what I wore to drop my son off when *I* got to race to school!

I feel ya.

MommiePie

Cool! I am definately not a sucker! Happy New Year!

Hannah

Amen on DO NOT WANT the Neti Pot. My husband uses one now and just the sound of him administering it to himself makes me want to die.

And yet people swear by them... even though you have to keep using it until the cold goes away. If you could only use it once and be cured, OK, maybe. But no, it's just blowing your nose with warm saline. YERK.

Melissa

Not related to the current post, but since I've only been reading your blog for a year or so, I clicked on the link to read the previous post.

My first real boyfriend, who gave me my first real kiss, and asked me out to my first real dance, and then stood me up for the dance to go ride four-wheelers with his buddies, prompting in months of crying and torturted writings in my journal...yep, future husband's best friend and best man at our wedding. So you're not alone.

Also, he's now a firefighter, which is all well and good except that I live in a city that happens to publish a very popular calendar every year of their hottest firemen...guess who's been featured in it for several years running?

Apparently he didn't make the cut for 2011 - I'd be lying if I said it didn't totally make my day.

Leigh Ann

Congrats, and oh my freaking God you just reminded me that I forgot to make cookies for the trash men. Because my kids aren't in school yet, so I cling to the people who lovingly dispose of their stinky diapers.

Christmas, you win again.

annemarie

This is why we love you.

annemarie

This is why we love you.

Starbuck

5. Got some of the most delicious coffee in the mail for my birthday. (tell me arrived ok and not beaten to hell)

Heidi

So I spent a day last week looking at what I could take for my cold compared to what I was comfortable taking as I am *that* paranoid first time pregnancy gal, just about to hit the third trimester mark. I had tried the standards of tylenol, sudefed and benedryl to no avail, so it was time to look for something different! I finally settled on getting Alavert-D and it has been awesome. I only took it for a couple of days because I'm paranoid like that but... It worked wonders and I was extremely relieved to learn that little pregnant rats and rabbits showed no signs of issue from the medication! (I hope not too many people think I'm a horrible person for being so relieved to find that the animal testing showed no signs of issues.)
Hope you feel better and that the craigslist person at least responds to you! As for the bus driver seriously, give people a break!

Monica

After the 3 teachers and 3 teachers aides, I'll admit I skipped the speech therapist, audiologist, etc. this year.

One year I gave the bus drivers $20 Giant gift cards. (Random but I figured they would use it.) No one said thank you so this year they got $5 tiny poinsettias. That'll show 'em.

A random gift I would suggest in the future that is cheap and easy to buy is lotto tickets. Sure they all think I'm weird now, but when they win big they'll be thankful. In fact if I were you I would have Noah make a New Year's card (or just buy one), stick in some lotto tickets, and tomorrow say, "So sorry we didn't make it out of the house fast enough. Here's the card we were going to give you yesterday. Happy New Year!"

Then a couple days later see if you can get a cell phone number out of them. It's awesome to be able to text them if they don't need to come.

Erin

I had no idea I was signing up for present-giving hell! Do you think my husband would accept that as a valid reason for changing my mind about this whole "getting pregnant" thing?

Shannon

This Christmas my kid's bus driver gave every kid on the bus a tube full of bubble gum (the tube was about the size of a can of pringles!!!! OMG!) But he gave it to them 2 days before the last day of school before the xmas holiday. If that isn't bait, I don't know what is!!

Susan

From the other side of Craigslist - do people actually BUY anything off of that? Because every email I get in response to things I've posted is a scammer just trying to get my email address or phone number. Now I'm getting spam texts on my phone for payday loans - HA on them, I don't have a payday, I'm a SAHM.

Happy 8 years - don't change a thing (and stop letting those preshus ruffians grow up so fast).

Vidya

Happy Anniversary!Love the way you write.

Wallydraigle

I am almost certain you can take pseudoephedrine during pregnancy. The real kind that you have to ask for at the pharmacy counter, not the crap they've replaced it with on the shelves. But don't base your child's future well-being on that because my memories of pregnancy tend to be hazy. At least look it up on the Internet or something first.

Alaina

OMG I totally just snorted waiter out of my nose at the Neti Pot comment!!! I am 10 wks pregnant and just had the worst cold ever! Everyone kept telling me to get a stupid Neti pot and my aunt even felt the need to text me about it the next day to make sure I knew it was at Walgreens and only $12. Gag.me.with.a.spoon.

Alaina

* Or I snorted water even. Waiter would be much more exciting though!!!

Kimm

You're so funny. Love your blog. Not that I care-I just notice these things-but I think you spelled EIGHTH wrong in the second paragraph-"EIGTH" I wouldn't have noticed if it hadn't been in all caps:) Breathing steam from a pot with a towel on your head might help some, my Ob has given me antibiotics since colds turn into sinus infections for me-there are some antibiotics that are safe. Good luck!!!

Amy

To Alaina, above: Joke's on your aunt--snorting water out your nose is waaay more cost-efficient than a $12 Neti pot. ;-)

Also, while I'm a fan of the squeezey-bottle style alternative to the Neti pot (I really don't understand how anyone has the nasal coordination to use those things), I gotta say--in my experience, vaguely salty water up my nose works way better for prevention than for relief once I'm actually sick.

On the other hand, pretty much every time I succumb to my desperate need to clear the congestion and take Sudafed, I wind up with a raging sinus infection, which is way worse than the cold and always requires antibiotics eventually. So, you know--be of good cheer! You're dodging that bullet! No, no, don't thank me--helping you in your hour of need has been my pleasure!

On a more serious note: More fluid intake than you think you can stand *does* actually help with the congestion. As do those dumb looking Breathe Right strips. (Why yes, I do believe orange juice and nasal dilators *are* used in meth labs...)

ellie

I'm going to second the "eighth" misspell, but only because you stressed the importance of spelling things correctly on this most important of posts. It's charming and endearing and I love reading your blog!

rory

Too effing funny.
We don't even have kids but that was flippin' hilarious!

Mel

My brawny son and I occasionally help out my neighbor with her bus issues. Her son, a lovely and dear man, is severely handicapped and lives away from home. Three days a week the city FlexTrans bus drops him and his gigantic wheelchair off eight houses and a steep hill away from her door. I believe budget cuts are to blame for the end of door-to-door service and the beginning of her crazy logistical nightmare. You should hear the anxiety in her voice when she is running late, or her scheduled wheelchair pusher has not arrived yet. The bus driver gives her demerits, and once she has accrued so many NO BUS FOR YOU for a period of time. Who gave these bus drivers so much power?

Claudia

Oh my....Amy, you are too funny! Shit like this happens to me all the time, only I could never make it sound like anything anyone would ever care to read about. Which is why I love your blog. Do not change a thing!

mrs. q.

My initial thoughts were: A used Craigslist mattress? Eeeww. and Oh, I wonder if she remembered Christmas gifts for the bus drivers?

Um...

At least I didn't suggest a Neti Pot!

Taylor

not to be the downer, but do you really want to buy used mattresses after all those bedbug stories?

ew.

AmyC65

Afrin nose spray. But rather than spraying it - which works great until it wears off and you bounce-back twice as stuffy as before - soak a Q-tip and insert it up your nose as far as youcan. Wiggle it around to expose as much sinus lining to the juice as possible. It sounds icky, but it works with no rebound stuffiness after. I hate colds. A lot.

Trista

So...have you tried squirting homemade salt solution up your nose with a turkey baster?? HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Just kidding.

I also can't take cold meds (thyroid disorder, not preggers) so I tried a neti pot. Only succeeded in practically drowning myself and pushing a bunch of snot into my ears getting a double ear infection.

Death to the Neti Pot. Its just unnatural. And Bus drivers are crazy. Think about it? Who in their right mind actually SIGNS UP to drive a bunch of screaming mimi's around. Not sane people, that's who. :)

(no hate mail from bus drivers...its was a JOKE people. A joke)

Amalah

I totally misspelled "eighth" on purpose. Totally. As a juxtaposition to the importance of spelling things correctly thing two sentences later. Yeeeeahh, that's the ticket.

(And I was JOKING about buying used mattresses. JOKING. I've been known to do that over the last eigt/eght/ate/eight years or so, from time to time.)

(I did get an email about the bunk beds. They sold them to someone else. Next time I'm promising candy canes and gift cards.)

Brandi

Second the NO on the neti pot. I still remember the pain of the water fountain squirting up my nose in kindergarten, so i'll be damned if i'm going to do that again voluntarily. Hope you feel better soon!

Leah

Yeah, my mother made me try the Neti Pot once. Never again. It's too reminiscent of accidentally inhaling water while swimming.

Big Gay Sam

"EIGTH YEAR"

Is that German for LGBT? (kidding).

Heather Ben

You are awesome - don't change a thing!

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karengreeners

Since I'm a pretend hippie, I have a neti pot, but I've never used it. It's just for show.

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