A Pregnant Woman's Ultimate Dream TV Wish List
January 06, 2011
Or, A List of TV Shows That Don't Actually Exist Yet, But Totally Should
Or Or, Why I Should Be In Charge of a Television Network Already
Or Or Or, Why I Should Probably Never Be In Charge of a Television Network
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MAN V. (PREGNANT LADY) FOOD
In which Adam Richman is challenged to explore and partake of some the craziest, weirdest pregnancy cravings from across the country. Forget pickles and chocolate ice cream, we're talking the seriously gross stuff you eat right out of the fridge when no one's home, like bologna-wrapped summer sausage or black olives dipped in pudding. Got a secret desire for a Wendy's Frosty using barbecue Pringles instead of a spoon? The ever-adorable Adam won't judge, he'll join in and declare it delicious. And in fact, you look so good and pretty and maternal right now, why don't you go ahead and order another one, super-sized this time?
A BABY STORY SUPERCUT
Takes entire seasons' worth of A Baby Story and Maternity Ward and edits them down to just the good parts -- a near non-stop montage of the second after the baby is born, AKA the part right after the gross bits that always makes you cry. Perfect for when you NEED that good hormonomotional release of an all-day Baby Story marathon but don't have the time, or if your significant other has banned all viewing of childbirth-related TV shows because seriously, they're just freaking everybody out at this point, okay?
FOOD NETWORK THIS IS YOUR LIFE CHALLENGE
Five professional cake decorators are brought in to compete for cash and glory while creating mammoth, gravity-defying cakes...AND while being reunited with long-lost childhood friends, idols and maybe even a birth parent or two (you know, for sweeps). The sap is as thick as the fondant and the tears fall as fast as a structurally unsound sugar showpiece, so it's highly recommended you keep a dozen emergency cupcakes on hand to sustain you through it.
Joining the stellar line-up of HBO, HBO2 and HBO Family, Comedy, Signature, Latino, and Zone, comes HBO WORMHOLE, which through the power of science and subatomic physics, has managed to rip a hole in the space-time continuum in order to reduce the wait in between seasons of your favorite shows. It also allows your television to operate in an alternate reality universe where none of your favorite shows have been cancelled, regardless of their original network. Fresh episodes of True Blood, Mad Men and The Walking Dead are available every week without fail, as are Arrested Development and Pushing Daisies.
(Upgrade to the optional multidimensional remote and use the rewind button to erase unfortunate episodes and even entire seasons from existence, like the Seinfeld finale or the post-Palladino-era Gilmore Girls, and start over fresh with episodes based on all that awesome fan-fiction you wrote back in college.)
STEEL MAGNOLIAS: THE ANIMATED SERIES
Self-explanatory. I'm kind of irritated that this hasn't actually happened. It's perfect! Because it's animated you can bring back all the original actresses from the movie but still have them play younger versions of themselves, from before Shelby dies. And then Shelby can die all over again, even though you thought she CAAA-AAA-AAAAN'T! And maybe some other people die that the ladies care deeply about but still soldier on bravely without, never missing a hair appointment or nothin', because that's just how it's done in Chinquapin Parish. The series can also finally definitive address the fuzzy math of Annelle getting married on Halloween, but having a baby by Easter, mm-hmm, you think I didn't notice that, Miss Churchy Church Annelle? You watch something 783 times and you start catching stuff like that. And coming up with ideas like, say, Steel Magnolias: The Animated Series.