Okay. We need to talk about something important. For once! We need to talk about my hair.
This topic is so intensely important, I felt compelled to create some illustrations. You know I'm serious when I bust out the stick figures and paintbrush tool, yo.
First, this was me (and my hair) back before I ever decided to have babies:
I mean, not that thin or out of proportion, but you get the idea. Stick-straight, fine hair that did very little besides sit there. It was very good at sitting. Also: hanging, limping, and flopping. I found it incredibly boring, and spent every other year wondering if "bangs would help," and then every other year in between THAT attempting to grow out my stupid bangs.
Then, I went on Clomid, fertility pill of the devil himself:
That shit made my hair curly. Suddenly, I had tons of natural wave and body.
I still kind of miss That Hair, though.
A few months later, though, huzzah! I was pregnant. And sometime around the second trimester, I realized I stopped shedding hair, and even though it was still fine and stick-straight, I had a freaking shitload of it:
Our tub drains rejoiced as well.
Until I was about five or six weeks postpartum, when suddenly every non-shed-over-the-previous-nine-months hair decided to fall off my head simultaneously in giant-ass chunks.
The exact same thing happened when I got pregnant the second time. Lots and lots of hair. Lots and lots of hair that saw no reason to stay confined to my head:
Postpartum hairballs and a five o'clock shadow on your LEGS. I'd like to see MTV bring those topics up on a very special episode of 16 and Pregnant.
Baby is born, hair falls the fuck out, everything once again returns to normal, which is boring, so I decided to dye my hair red:
Despite looking absolutely terrible in web-only color format, I like it. The semi-permanent dye agrees with my hair much better than the permanent blond highlights I used to get, so I sometimes even see a return to the days of the awesome Clomid waves. So when I got pregnant AGAIN, I was genuinely looking forward to how COMPLETELY AWESOME MY HAIR WAS GOING TO LOOK THIS TIME YAY.
But...this time, it's different. I still shed hair at my usual pre-pregnancy drain-clogging rate.
Instead, my head has simply decided to grow more hair from scratch. This sounds good, right? Except do you know how long it takes to grow more hair from scratch?
Have you ever seen a Chia Pet?
Yes. That. Right there, is EXACTLY how I look right now. Six months' worth of new hair growth means I have a thick coat of three-inch freakazoid hairs sticking straight up and out all over my head. They will not lie flat, they will be tamed, they will NOT just sit there and stand by while The Man attempts to suppress their attempts to unionize.
(On the plus side, my leg hair has all but stopped growing. I can shave about once every three weeks or so.)
(Don't be jealous, though, my eyebrows have decided to pick up the slack. If I stop paying attention to them, they quickly start creeping upwards towards my forehead, Donald-Trump-combover style.)
(Whatever. You can totally be jealous. Me and my bushy old-man eyebrows are totally used to it by now.)
But what I'm REALLY starting to wonder, though, is what will happen this time at that six-week postpartum hair-fall-out-ing point. Will the Chia Pet hair fall out? Or will I lose nothing but chunks of my PRE-EXISTING HAIR, and thus look something like this in about four or five months:
Moral of the story: I think I'm going to buy a wig.