Over, Part Two
Limbo

'Emotional Etsy Rampage' is the Totally Name Of My New Emo Band

The first thing I did after getting the new-and-so-fucking-not-improved news on Friday was go on an Emotional Etsy Rampage, spilling out the contents of my PayPal account (and gnawing at the edges of Instant Bank Account Tranfers) in exchange for things for the new baby. Wall decals! A custom mobile! Upcycled vintage galvanized storage containers! Bibs! A necklace that I've had in my favorites list for a year but never bought and today is the day! That necklace is mine! Suck it, sadness! Suck on shiny things and die!

I stopped only after Noah brought me the Xbox remote and a long, involved (and HIGHLY EMOTIONAL) story about a giant snake level on the Harry Potter Lego game and he couldn't finish the potion and Hermione is stuck in a corner and keeps getting blowed up by the snake and you need to help me, and I was briefly consumed with resentment that really? Really, Noah? This is the biggest challenge in your little life right now? This is the crisis that's reduced you to tears? A video-game snake? MADE OUT OF VIDEO-GAME LEGOS?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I Pain-Olympic'ed my own child. It was a really pround moment in my parenting history.

(I helped him. The snake level WAS pretty hard, and I felt much better after beating it. Haaa, stupid Lego snake.)

(And before anyone hassles me about letting a five-year-old play video games: He can only play after he earns a certain number of stickers on his behavior/chore chart. And also, I CANNOT EVEN REALLY PRETEND TO CARE RIGHT NOW.)

Over the weekend I took Noah to karate, then shared a bagel and orange juice with Ezra. I dragged everyone to IKEA. I assembled random shit from IKEA. I hung clothes and onesies and organized diapers and blankets and then tossed everything back into the center of the room to start over because I just didn't like how inaccessible that basket of baby hats was. Ezra spiked a fever for no real reason at all but I prescribed Motrin and cuddles with me, me, meeeee anyway. I comforted Noah when he left his beloved Actual Real-Life Harry Potter Lego figure at his friend's house, because that was, in fact, a pretty rough tragedy for him, no matter what you compare it to.

And then today I spent the morning in a child pyschologist's waiting room, filling out 400 behaviorial checklists while Noah went through day one of the three-day evaluation for ADD. Or whatever it is. Was. Will be. 

It still hasn't sunk in. It. You know. The news. The now, the what's next. I knew -- oh, I KNEW -- we'd reach this point, and for some reason I'd naively thought it would be a relief to put the chemo and the transfusions and the ER visits behind us. I mean, maybe it is. But not really. There's new grief and new mourning and yet he's still here and we're still here and there's karate and swimming lessons and bagels and fevers and evaluations and assessments and onesies to wash and things to hang on the nursery walls. There's life. Whatever it is. Was. And will be. 

Comments

Loralee

It's a complicated process. And you'll have another one to go through. And I am so sorry for that. xoxoxo

Martha


I prescribe virtual (((hugs))) and a definite emotional rampage of whatever is required to get through this fresh pile of steaming life you've just been served.
The roller coaster of life really sucks sometimes.

Miriam

What Loralee said....We are here to listen in all our internet anonymousness (is that a word) along with your IRL support system.

Starrynite

Thinking of you. Can't really say much more than that, cause what is there to say. But definitely thinking of all of you xx

Kimm

Hugs and prayers. Also yay retail therapy! It's good sometimes.

drhoctor2

My guys have free time..that means it's free for them to choose what they want to do..if it's video games till that time is up ? it's good by me. I lovingly urge(force)them to do all kinds of wholesome crap..they can get decadent on the xbox. ADD kids are extra good at them.
i'm hoping these next 6 months or so are as easy for you all to bear as they can be.

SarahB

Indeed, yay retail therapy. And nursery organizing therapy.

I have yet to lose a parent, but I do recall that with each of my three grandparents who went through hospice, it was a relief to know that all care at that point was solely for their comfort. No putting up with awful treatment for unclear reasons--just comfort and pain relief.

Whether that knowledge would be as much of a solace with a parent...I just don't know. I think it would be much, much harder to accept.

Becky

I fucking hate that Lego snake.

Deepest condolences on the news about your father.

CJ

Your post reminded me of a poem that helped me make sense of these feelings when we were going through a terminal illness in our family. http://www.monroecc.edu/wusers/atippett/poetry/living.htm . I know this won't make anything better. I don't know. It still helped me, though, back then, so I thought I'd share.

Erin

It's just awful. I am so sorry. My mother never met our wonderful 17 month old son, named in her memory. It's hard to believe that he will never know her. In my good moments, I know that she is here with us and that she DOES know him . . . prayers and light and love and hope to all of you.

Erin

Kathy

Having lost my father-in-law and both parents within the past 3 years I can say that hospice is a god-send, but nothing can make you ready to lose a parent. Just spend as much time with your dad as you possibly can right now. I'm praying for you.

Gram of 4

Honestly, the situation just sucks dead bears. Really.
My mom died 3 years ago this May. We knew she only had so long to live. She lived it with a grace and courage that I can only hope to do.

If I may suggest.... focus on what you have. You HAVE time to hold his hand and say whatever you want to say. Yes, you will cry and probably so will he. And it will hurt. But you HAVE it. With a sudden death, there is always that wishing that you could have told them SOMETHING.
That's what I hung on to during those months.
My son got married 2 weeks after she died. I look like a zombie in those pictures.
The fricking circle of life right in front of you.
Retail therapy was made for times like these.
Many prayers for all of you.

Anon

It sucks, but I hope for your dad's sake, your mom's sake...that it doesn't suck for very long. For my family, it has been sucking for 5 months now. Five awful, miserable months. The only thing worse than dying is dying a slow, miserable death. In pain, incontinent, unable to walk, half-lucid (the non-lucid times are actually a relief). May it be painless and swift for your father.

Candice

I completely, lovingly support your buying out Etsy and IKEA any time, but especially as retail therapy right now. Much love to you all.

Anon

PS - Zappo's is pretty good grief therapy, too.

Eliza

Non-stalker love to you and yours.

Rebekah

Amy, I'm so sorry you've been given this difficult news. Although I'm not dealing with anything as difficult as losing a parent, I've had some tough weeks lately and your battle cry of "Suck it, sadness! Suck on shiny things and die!" hit home in such a way that I couldn't help but laugh for a long time.

I wish I could give you a big hug and have a good cry with you in person (even though you don't know me, and so you would probably find that strange)... anyhow, I really hope you have good, quality time with your dad. I'm wishing you lots of comfort and warm fuzzies. Take care.

Spicy Sister

un-lurking to let you know that my heart goes out to you and yours.

cls

have you visited Regretsy before? I recently discovered them and they are hilarious -- kind of along the lines of your posts about astonishing microwave cookbooks, marital guides from the 30s, and the deodorant wars.
(You are funnier! but this might be a nice time to get to sit back and enjoy other people's comedy).
As they say: where DIY meets WTF.
www.regretsy.com
Note: am totally unaffiliated with them, just like them and think they will be good at distracting you enough from the other difficult moments of life right now to make you laugh!

ras

Yeah, my mom died three weeks ago (15 days after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer) and I went on a similar retail rampage. My husband even had to talk me out of buying into a super-expensive and totally inappropriate vacation time share.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Wish I could make it better, but all I can say is it sucks, it'll suck for a while, and you will get through it.

Bonnie

I can so relate to the emotional etsy rampage. I also recommend the overpriced cosmetic rampage, because if life is sucking you can at least take comfort in the frillion dollar Dior mascara. I wish I had something actually useful or profound to say that would help... things won't always feel this awful, and you'll get through it.
And I want photos of the nursery.

FreeRange Pamela

So sorry for everything you're going through, Amy. Totally sucks. You deserve a little Etsy retail therapy, for sure.

Liz

Another lurker here, coming forward to say I'm so sorry. No words can fix your heartbreak, but they're all we have to send our totally-not-creepy love and support.

Karen

I'm so sorry. My brother got to meet his first nephew, my oldest, when said baby was 4 months old...but my other sons have no memories of their uncle. It sucks. It really, really does.

I can only pray that the prognosis is wrong (in the right way) and you have your dad for longer than two months. Because doctors, for all their skills, are not fortune tellers, they can't predict the future, and there are all sorts of other factors, you know? Praying for you.

Heidi

OK so there are several parts of this post that are cracking my shit UP (inaccessible basket of baby hats being one of the main ones). But, I am also so so sorry about what is happening with your dad, Amy. I do think hospice care will give him better quality of life, but... gah... I'm sorry, I know this is such a shitty situation. I'm just really sorry.

cagey

I am so, so sorry you are going through this, Amy. Truly.

re: video games - of course, my 5yo is playing our Wii. I had a kid for the express purpose of creating the Ultimate Gaming Machine. He's in training, that's all.

Leah

God, I am so, so sorry.

Kathy W

I posted a note to your ACS Another Birthday post two weeks ago while I was caring for my dying Mom in hospice. I too know what you feel...that horrible out of control terror that overwhelms you and leaves you reeling. It gets better Amy, I promise. Make sure you tell your Dad how much you love him, how much you don't want him to die, but more importantly, it's ok that he lets go and is free from his pain and suffering. Let him know you and the boys and your husband will be fine---and that you'll talk to him every day. And then tell him again and again how much you love him.

I did that. My mom slipped peacefully away, free from her terrible fucking cancer pain, one day after her birthday. I am mourning her loss, but I AM ok...I accepted her decision to let go...and helped her along her final journey.

And tell your Dad how much you love him.

(((HUGS)))

Jenny Joy

Ummm... first of all... no apologies for YOUR child playing video games. Hell, even if he played 4 hours a day and was up until midnight beating those damn snakes, it's no one's business but your own. (Surely I don't let my child play video games all. the. time. and feel defensive in the judgements of others. HA.)

And I've been thinking about you and your dad and the whole sitch. I know I'm a random internet stranger, but I'm sending love. And virtual pretty, shiny things in your direction.

Jenny Joy

Ummm... first of all... no apologies for YOUR child playing video games. Hell, even if he played 4 hours a day and was up until midnight beating those damn snakes, it's no one's business but your own. (Surely I don't let my child play video games all. the. time. and feel defensive in the judgements of others. HA.)

And I've been thinking about you and your dad and the whole sitch. I know I'm a random internet stranger, but I'm sending love. And virtual pretty, shiny things in your direction.

MommyNamedApril

i wish i had something remotely comforting to say. but i'm sending love and comfort vibes to you. xo

Kim

Doesn't matter how much/long you KNEW about it, still absolutely hurts like hell when it happens. Some things you just cannot prepare for, no matter how hard yout try. I like the coping methods, though. Maybe not the initial reaction to Noah, but wth, you're allowed to be human.

erin

1. I love you
2. You make me feel more normal that I probably am
3. I have been praying for your Dad and your unborn little pumpkin pie and your cute boys
4. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us

Liz

I'm so sorry.

Babs

Dear Amy,
My husband's father lost his battle with cancer after 3 years on 2/22 this year. And the family is pissed. Pissed that he never 'accepted' it in the form of a formal goodbye to his wife and kids. Pissed that other people get 10 years to battle cancer and they only got 3. Pissed that after all they had prepared they still weren't at all. Not really, not when they woke up and realized that their dad wasn't there with the whole family and all the friends they ever knew. He was always there.

And so my point, if I am supposed to have one, is that you can try as you might to be ready, but you won't be. Because you'll miss him. More than you will be glad his suffering is over. And you have every damn right. Also, I am so glad your daddy gave the blog world Amalah, and her Noah, Ezra and baby TBA. So you can thank him for all of your readers, adoring and trolls alike.

Many prayers to you and your whole family.

Nina

here listening. My heart goes out to you and your parents.

patriotshak

I'm so sorry about what your going through. I've been there (not pregnant) but been there and its not easy.

Oh a lighter side, and hopefully not insensitive, what Etsy sellers do you like for baby stuff? You should check out Sweet Pea Hats (more info on facebook) they are AMAZING!

the mommy therapy

oh this just sucks. it so painfully sucks.

keep etsy binging and organizing the hell out of that baby stuff if it helps even the slightest.

Dena

I'm really sorry Amy. Be strong.

Allyson

I'm hate this so much for you. I lost my mom 7 years ago and it is awful. It hurts, it makes you furious and feel helpless. I can only say that I'm sorry.

sharon

And no matter how much you rail against the injustice of it all, 'normal' life keeps on rolling along. You go through the motions when feeling it is too hard and cry when going through the motions doesn't work anymore BUT you take each day as it comes, try to find something, one tiny little thing, that makes you smile and focus on that. The crap will happen regardless but not every thing in every day is crap. Remember there are still good times - even now. Love will get you all through this horror because love is in every part of your family. Now breathe honey, and go fondle the shiny things ;-)

Janelle

Hi Amy

You continue to be awesome even though you're going through a shit time, the absolute shittest. I saw this the other day on etsy and thought of you and your boys - a cool Empire poster. More fuel to the etsy rampage! Do whatever you want during this time, no-one can give you a hard time. Thinking of all you guys, especially your lovely dad.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/67801780/star-wars-the-empire-strikes-back-retro

From Belgium

You totally deserve that necklace!

mosprott

You're awesome.

Don't worry about whether people are gonna be judgy - that's their deal. Your boys aren't going to be scarred for life because you snapped at them - you recognize when you need to put on the brakes. That's all anyone can ask.

Peachy

Suck, it sadness, indeed.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Suzanne

I just want to say, with everything else you have to deal with, don't stress on Noah's evaluations. You know he's been through evaluations before, and diagnoses evolve and change. Whatever comes of this particular one will just be part of the total picture. You already know the issues he needs help with, this evalaution is just to get it in writing to make sure the school has the right support for him. Remind yourself of that and it will help.

amy

~hugs~ Deep breaths.

Robin

The whole "life going on in the midst of death" thing seems like the most painful and poignant part.

I hope it's not too weird to say that I think you're amazing the way you open yourself up and write about it.

More thoughts and love your way.

Shawne

I'm so sorry Amy, so very sorry. My father-in-law never got to meet my youngest son who just turned 5 yrs old yesterday. FIL passed away from leukemia on Feb 2nd 2006, Landon was born March 21st 2006. It's not easy, even *knowing* it's coming. My fil visited us, one at a time, to tell us that he accepted the fact that he was going to die soon and asked us to please give him permission to go. To tell us he loved us and he wanted us to love him enough to let him go.

One thing that we did, not knowing if he'd make it until Landon was born, was have a 3D ultrasound. When the u/s tech heard why we were having one done so early on (end of Dec '05) she took tons of extra scans and pictures and prodded little man around a bit and got some super face shots. My in-laws chose the one that they loved the most, framed it....and when he died, it went with him. So, in a way, he "met" his grandson (his namesake) before he was born....

Sending much virtual love and hugs from the Midwest.

Sara

Oh Amy - this brought me back to the day that my mom's blood levels reached the point of no return and we were sent home from the hospital to wait. I want to tell you that it's easy etc - but it's not. I will tell you that being with my mom when she died was a peaceful, closing type experience - I no longer fear dying. I know that life continues, and life can be happy - and that they are somehow still with you...(I like to think that she chose my son for me). Thinking about you so much...hug all your boys and relish in the life of awesomeness that you have.
x

Virginia

Someone asked that you thank your dad for us. yes. Do.

Let him know that he is famous in the blog world - not for being fabulously sexy or controversial or talented in some flashy sort of way - but for being the sort of man that helps produce a woman like you. We need more like him. I'm sorry that he has to leave. I'm grateful he is leaving behind a healthy, growing legacy of goodness and talent.

Brandi

ah the grief shopping. did this after my MIL died of pancreatic cancer. my thing was clothes for my American Girl doll. my husband bought video games. take care of yourself Amy. it's a crappy time that only gets crappier so do what you have to to get through it. ((Hugs))

Emily

I don't know what to say Amy. But, I agree with everyone else that has posted...we're here to listen (even though you don't know most of us), and to offer virtual hugs...and to cry with you too.

Lisa

I can't imagine the myriad of emotions you are feeling. It's emotional enough being pregnant without dealing with your father's illness, Noah's struggles, and everyday life with 2 young kids and a hubby. You and your family are in my prayers. On Noah's issue, there is a thing called 'Vision Therapy'. Sometimes kids get wrongly diagnosed with ADD when actually, their eyes are not working properly. It's a simple eye test to determine if Noah would have any of these problems. My son was diagnosed in 5th grade and while he's definitely improving, I wish I had caught it when he was Noah's age. I simply didn't know about it. It's just a suggestion, but I know you must be totally overwhelmed at the moment.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

I know I don't comment here as frequently as I once did, but Amy, I still read and your family is still in my thoughts. I haven't known what to say throughout any of this and I still don't. I hope you just know that in your life there are many, many people who love you and your family and who want nothing more than to be there for all of you as you navigate this part of life - and that in your blog readership there are many, many people who love your family too and are here to listen, to encourage, to empathize as this unfurls. I'm sending warm wishes and love. Lots of love.

Lauren

Tell Noah not to worry -- that's a really fucking hard level of Harry Potter.

Signed, 27-year-old who took 15 minutes to beat it with her 29-year-old brother

sarah

Thinking of you and your family.

Danabee

Wow, really well said, Babs and Gram of 4.

Amy, yeah, keep on marching.

A word of encouragement about ADHD: My 14YO son was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive Type late last year. DUH. It all explains so much. The most helpful thing anyone has said was his psychologist who said: "He can do anything anyone else can do; he will just have to work harder or approach it differently." It put things into perspective for us. He is a brilliant, witty, delightful young man maybe because of the ADHD, not in spite of it.

Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog

The tedium that is everyday life seems so inconsequential during a tragedy... but it is those very minor details that we live for and that your father wants you to enjoy. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. That your mother has to go through this and that your father's body is suffering...

Many, many hugs to you.

KristenM

So, so sorry for your pain. Someone above said you can prepare all you want but you won't ever really be prepared -- so true. Someone else said to cherish the time you have because it's time -- also so true. It's a gift not always given. My mom's prognosis was 6 months, but it turned out to be only 6 weeks. But I am so very grateful for those 6 weeks, to be able to say everything there was so say, including goodbye. And yet I sit here now crying, almost 4 years later. So, yea. Still not really prepared. Hug those beautiful kids tight. And you last line -- There's life. Whatever it is. Was. And will be -- is just lovely.

Kelly O'Brien Hugenot

Hola! I am sorry to hear the news about your father, which absolutely sucks when you are about to have a new little one. Get mad, then get even. Squeeze every moment of joy you can out of life Right Now. Hug your dad and your kids often. The time to grieve is coming; don't cave into it yet. Chin up, tXXXs out!
Adios,
Kelly O

Genevieve

Here's to your shiny new necklace and shopping therapy that doesn't quite help, but helps a little.

And also, Lego XBox games are cool. I let my four year old play the Batman one and not just when he earns it.

Thrift Store Mama

You've got three major things that you're dealing with right now in your life, and that's a lot. Next time you are at Ikea, another great place for retail therapy is Franklin's General Store, about 5 miles south on Route 1. The store has a large gift shop component full of jewelery, purses, little books, scarves, wine and accessories, and tons of great quality toys for the kids. No affiliation, I just live about a mile north of there and love getting lost in the store.

Debbie @ Better Than The Bully

I'm thinking of you and your family. ((hugs))

Best,
Debbie

Deidra

In Noah's defense, that level WAS pretty hard! ;)

We're thinking of you. Hospice makes everything less painful. They are experienced and will help you all through everything.

**Hugs**
Deidra

Idaho Dee

I've never commented before, but I've been reading you for a long while. I've been following your posts about your Dad because my Mom had been very sick as well. She passed away on February 26th. I totally understand the happy/incredibly sad times, the staring at the wall. For me, the day she passed there was something very comforting that life in the assisted living home she was in kept on...meaning, the other residents still needed breakfast, and the owners little girl still wanted to go to the children's fair that day. In the middle of it all, it seemed life slowed and stopped for my Mom, would always be different for me...but life keeps on, the world keeps turning. There is a sad beauty in that.

I'm thinking of you as you go through this with your family. It's a tough, tough time. I hope hospice helps your family as much as it did mine...it was truly a blessing when my Mom finally accepted hospice care.

Idaho Dee

Diane

I have lost both parents- they never got to meet my children.
Sending lots of thoughts and hugs your way and wishing they were enough.

wholesale cellular accessories

I’m so sorry for that Amy. Entertain yourself. There is a much better way to do than to mourn. Go out and have fun.

Brittany

I am so sorry you for what you all are going through, I am thinking of you all so much.

P.S. Listen, I totally helped my 4 yo beat Harry Potter Lego, and we are now OWNING Lego Indiana Jones, so if you ever have any questions or need some cheats...OMG I AM NOW THAT PERSON.

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