'Emotional Etsy Rampage' is the Totally Name Of My New Emo Band
Over, Part Over

Limbo

I wish I knew what to say. I don't know if I have anything to say. Let's just...see where this goes.

Things are moving quickly, in the downhill direction. He's in a hospital bed in the living room, unable to breathe unless he stays perfectly still and immobile, utterly wiped out from the fight of the past six months. There is talk of moving to morphine soon. Everyone is scrambling to visit, exchanging helpless text messages about how much this sucks and...and...yeah.

How are you doing?

I don't know. You?

Same.  

Frowny emoticon.

Word.

I'm going up to see him on Friday, maybe even Thursday night. I don't know whether to go by myself or try to bring the boys one last time -- if this is, indeed, the one last time -- I don't know how to help, what to do, how to feel except bone-blisteringly, overwhelmingly sad. But it's a sad mixed with happy while I fold onesies and count kicks and kiss my children good-night, like an umbrella I keep forgetting to hold onto. 

Is it okay to change the subject? To talk about OB appointments and weight gain and belly shots? How is one supposed to deal with a timeline of birth and death or whichever comes first when it's not part of a montage in a movie, set to music, that skips all the moments in between where you sit on your bed and stare at the wall, thinking about how much this sucks, but also that wow, you really need to put some laundry away?

Because that's where I'm at. And I don't feel like folding shirts.

Photo (4)

Comments

Miss Grace

I'm sorry Amy.

MS

I'm so sorry to hear this is progressing so quickly.

Starbuck

No words, just a big hug.

MyMomShops

You and I met briefly at the Sparklecorn party at BlogHer last August, which probably seems like several lifetimes ago to you now. Just delurking to say that I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I'm praying for strength for you and your family.

Chelsie

Hug your kids. Play with your pets. Go outside and get some sunshine. And know that all of internetland is sending warm fuzzies to lift you up. We <3 you (in a totally platonic, non-stalker kind of way.)

jodifur

I'm just so, so, so sorry. And the minute you are in town for pedicures I am there.

daysgoby

Oh, hon. There is no right or wrong way to handle your grieving.

Hugs.

LauraC

My grandmother, my closest grandparent, got both diagnosed with lung cancer and died while I was pregnant with twins. When I found out she had cancer, I cried so much that I went into pre-term labor. She passed away when I was already on bed rest, unable to visit her.

For me, I needed to not focus on her dying because I had to put my babies first. I had to focus on being pregnant and getting to full term. I had to get through childbirth and the newborn phase before I could really grieve. And even then, crap I had twins, I never really had time to grieve.

5 years later, it's just not the same without her around and I never feel like I've fully grieved for the loss because I'm too busy.It's just this horrible conflicted feeling.

So sorry you have to go through this.

Jeni

I am so sorry. Have you considered your next child being his namesake?

We lost my FIL and our son was given his middle name. My husband liked this - it was touching. Like a piece of him is always there and the children are connected to him.

chris

I'm so sorry, Amy...

Marivic Valencia

Whatever you want to feel is whatever you're supposed to be feeling right now. Sorry it's all so icky right now.

Erin

I lost my very best and dearest friend two and half weeks after my second child was born. It's a tough juxtaposition and I found it to be a lot like riding a roller coaster between happiness and loss. Just be gentle and kind to yourself and take it moment by moment. Do what you need to do and not what people might expect of you.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

G.Schneider

I lost my father in 2005 to a sudden heart attack, 7 months after I was married. When my daughter was born last year I was so happy but so very very sad that he was missing this. Then I was so very very angry that he was missing this, how dare he miss this... I will always have a piece of my heart missing and it sucks but like you said there is laundry to do and groceries to buy and just life to live and survive and it is hard to know what you should be feeling sometimes...

*m*

I just lost my dad three weeks ago. It sucks.

Hold his hand. Tell him you love him. And do whatever regular day-to-day things you can deal with. It is a strange limbo you are in -- there is no guidebook, so you will make your way by doing what you can.

Know that he will live on in you, and your beautiful boys.

kelly

This sucks.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my second and my grandmother is dying of cancer. I don't think she'll be around at my due date, and because she lives very far away I won't get to see her again, nor will I be able to go to the funeral.

It's not the same, I know. Grandparent vs. parent, very different. But I do know how mixed and confusing the happy-kicks and sad-hospice combination is.

Write about whatever you want. Do whatever you need to do. Take good care.

kelly

This sucks.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my second and my grandmother is dying of cancer. I don't think she'll be around at my due date, and because she lives very far away I won't get to see her again, nor will I be able to go to the funeral.

It's not the same, I know. Grandparent vs. parent, very different. But I do know how mixed and confusing the happy-kicks and sad-hospice combination is.

Write about whatever you want. Do whatever you need to do. Take good care.

Hannah

I have lost two of the most important men in my life to cancer in the last twelve months. Both of them said that they wanted to talk about life, not death - even at the end. Just a thought.

Thinking of you during this very difficult time.

Marina

I've been lurking for about a year now, but I just had to comment on how amazingly graceful you seem to be handling this balance between life and death.

You are truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

Jen

I'm just ... sorry. Nothing else to be said, really.

Heather/Cobblestone

You get to do whatever you want. Change subjects, sit out back with your face to the sun and tears rolling down your cheeks, tell the grocery cashier about your dad while rubbing your belly. Any.thing.you.want.

Ariel

I find under these circumstances you can talk about anything you want. There are no rules.
I'm so sorry.
Hugs.

Kathy W

Amy,

Your Dad wants to hear about your life. I'm betting he will enjoy seeing your boys, but have someone who can corral them out when you and your Dad need some quiet time. It's ok to talk to him about mundane stuff. It's ok if he zones out and doesn't seem to be listening. He is. But he's going inward. He's got work to do right now, just like you preparing for your new baby.

Some words of wisdom I got from one of our hospice nurses was that when we are preparing to die, it's a similar labor to that a baby must endure to be born. The passage thru the birth canal helps with breathing and brain activity and getting all those systems up and running. Now, at the other end of life, those same systems are laboring to shut down. He's there, but he's in his head and heart and working to let go.

Tell him a thousand times that you love him. Tell him that it's ok to go..that you will miss him but you'll be fine. That you know he'll be present in your heart and thoughts, and there in spirit with your boys as they grow up and mark their milestones.

Reminisce. Share. Cry. Love. Be still and treasure the quiet.

Peace Dear Amy...I wish I could take this burden from you and your family, but it's something we all must endure. Be brave. Be strong. Be the very best Amy your Dad wishes for you...that's the best way to honor him.

((HUGS))

SarahB

May I say what a very beautiful belly shot that is?

Like someone else said, there is no right or wrong way to go through this, and it's going to hurt no matter what. You do and write about what you need to do and write about, happy or sad. We'll be hear to read it.

I'm very sorry.

Brooks

I am so very sorry Amy.

Jessica V

Oh! I'm so very sorry. don't have any words to fix this for you Amy, so I'll just send my prayers and virtual hugs. It is absolutely OK to change the subject, and to bring it back again as you need to. As much as you write for us, this is YOUR space...so use it (and us) if it helps you.

Hugs to you all.

Erin

Amy I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. I can't imagine losing a parent and I know that there are no words a person can say to help you through all of this. I am just so sorry.

Lesley

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find a moment's solace in the fact that whatever you do, it will be the right thing. You and your family are in my prayers.

Deciduous Heather

I have been a follower for a while...I am so sorry to hear how quickly things are progressing for the bad. (((HUGS))) And also, your belly makes me smile. :)

pdxhadey

Take the time to process this in whatever way you need. There is no "right" way to deal with it. Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Susan

I'm so sorry. It's not enough, but it's all I've got. ((hugs))

Jen

I'm so sorry for what you're going through & what you're about to face. One important lesson I learned a while back is that you can't grieve in advance and spare yourself any pain. There will be time for grieving, so right now focus on loving and talking and writing down history and making memories while you can. My heart is with you and your family.

Gillian

Exquisite joy and exquisite sorrow - I can't imagine the physical exhaustion from dealing with both at the same time. You talk about what you want here, and we'll follow your lead. If you need a moment to fake that everything's ok, or if you need to fall apart, your online peeps have got your back. Even if you need to stop talking altogether for a while. You'll get through, by a wing and a prayer. We're with you.

Christine

I am so sorry. It is okay to deal however you need to deal.

My sister-in-law's mother passed away last week. She was 59 and suffered from congestive heart failure. She died exactly 4 years to the day after my sister-in-law's daughter passed away at 16 months old. In between those 4 years, my sister-in-law also lost her father to cancer. In the span of 4 years, she lost her daughter and both parents.
The one thing keeping her going right now? After not knowing if she and her husband would ever have more children, she's about 15 weeks pregnant. Alternating between sorrow and joy constantly and simultaneously. I don't know how one can really balance those emotions well. I'm trying to figure out how we celebrate this new life while grieving her loss...and I have no idea how we do that.

I wish comfort and peace for your Dad and you and the rest of your family.

Jessica

I think your readers have amazing words of wisdom. And I am learning so much as I read about how you are traveling through this rough, sad time. I think your dad and you are both being very brave.

Beth

I'm so sorry.

I wish I couldn't relate, but I can. My mother-in-law had her "we can't do anymore" conversation with her doctor last January (with leukemia, after fighting for years, and taking some ridiculous treatment risks) when I was 4 months pregnant with our first. She was told best case scenario was 6 months. It wasn't.

If it would help to chat with someone that has walked that very same emotional tightrope (though certainly under different family dynamics), please feel free to drop me an email.

Thinking of you, and holding you all in my heart.

Dawn

Ironically enough the day to day business and mundane things that you have to do to go on will help you to cope with the grief and sadness. When you have kids, jobs, responsibilities, things you have to do, you just get up and go and work through it. Don't feel guilty. I have been there myself and felt guilty because I couldn't drop everything to grieve, but in the long run I think staying busy was better than just wallowing in self pity and guilt.

Arwen

Yeah. What they all said. So sorry, so sad. Hugs. FWIW and if it helps, when my uncle was dying, my cousin said the sagest advice she got was this: The life you've lived up to now is what counts with your dad, and the life you live from now on is how you'll honor him. I reckon that second part goes double-point-five for moms of 2.5. :)

JB

I'm so, so, sorry. You got it exactly right - "limbo" really, completely, sucks. I like @Arwen's advice, too.

kellyhere

So sorry and heartbroken to think about what you're going through. If you bring the boys for a visit, maybe try to leave the door open for another visit, even if you think it's unlikely. When everyone's aware of the fact that it's the "last visit," it's just so unbearably sad, and hard. At least it was for us, when I had to say my last goodbye, with my baby daughter, to my grandfather.

MJ

Yes, it is okay to change the subject, and to talk about OB appointments and weight gain and belly shots. It's even okay to talk to your Dad about all of that. Kathy W gives you some good advice up above. Know that our thoughts are with you as you go through this complicated time.

Mar

That is a perfect photo for this post - you look fiercely strong and delicately frail at the same time.
From where I sit, it seems you are doing the hardest things right now, all at once -- but I know you can do them.

brandi

My grandfather died 4 days before my scheduled induction. He was in a nursing home but this was very unexpected and more of an accident than a medical issue. I felt terrible because I felt I couldn't grieve didn't know how to handle my emotions of sadness and oh my god i'm having a baby!I couldn't comprehend what my mom was going through as she welcomed her first grandchild into the world after losing her father 4 days earlier. This was early November and he was supposed to meet his great-grandson at Christmas. I'm not sure I ever truly got over it or mourned properly. Your dad wants you to be the awesome mom he knows you are...

Marilyn

So sorry about your Dad, Amy.
You will be in my thoughts & prayers. I say take the boys if it's ok with everyone. It will lighten the mood and bring a ray of sunshine around such sadness. My best to you!

Courtney

I'm so sorry. That has to be so difficult. I'm thinking about you and your family.

Ami

Sure it's okay to change the subject. "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life." PUnch me now! Now you can change the subject to stupid old theme songs that get stuck in your head. (I'm just lamely trying to make you snort a little, really.) :o)

Kacie

Oh hons...I don't know what to say except that we are thinking of you all. I am so very sorry. PLEASE let me know if I can do anything at all.

allie

no words will comfort, I know. It is just so sad. For you , your mom, your dad, and everyone. I lost my dad 2 yrs ago this month. Still hurts.

Jean

Thoughts, prayers and love coming your way. I am so so sorry.

Rachel

Hugs from North Dakota!

JBre

I say bring the boys. If you decide that it is too much for them once you get there, I'm sure Jason or other family will help you look after them so you can spend some time with your Dad. When my mom passed a few months ago, it helped us all immensely in those days of waiting for my then 14 month old to be there. He got us out of the hospital room for walks or food and actually got a few smiles out of us. I'm sure your Dad will want to see them as well. It's hard. Just remember to take care of yourself and #3 too.

wordnerd

My own loss to cancer, that of my fil in January - is still too real, too fresh for me to be of much help. I can cry with you, though, and I can smile at the sweetness of the last days we had with him, and tell you that you, too, will have those days to cherish. Whether he's alert or not, tell him you love him, and tell him it's ok to let go. I've now been thru the deaths of my two parents as well as my in-laws, and I learned that they need to hear that. And you need to say it.

Love to you from across the 'net.

Melissa

Oh Amy, I am sooo sorry. There is no right or wrong way... there is just whatever you can do whenever you can do it. If the laundry doesn't get folded today, it'll be there tomorrow too.

And yes, like everybody else said, change the subject if you need/want to. Your dad may really appreciate it. Maybe even make him laugh - even if it's not what you want to do. My mother, before she died... liked to tell (really bad) jokes... even to the doctors and nurses. When things got bad, a joke or a story could still brighten her day. Take her mind off things, in a way. Maybe it will help your dad as well.

Monica

Do what you need to do. Losing a parent and preparing for birth is bittersweet, I went through it myself. Just focus on what is good and what you can share with your dad before his time. Spend as much time with him as you can - the kids too, everyone will appreciate it. Write what you feel, what you know, we will read! Hugs to you.

electriclady

I'm so sorry. I remember it was like this with my MIL--once they made the decision to stop treatment and go to hospice care, things indeed went downhill very quickly. Whether you bring the boys to see him or not, just know that there is no wrong answer--whatever you do will be the right thing. And it's OK, as someone said above, not to consciously make it your "final" visit. I think the last words I said to my MIL were, "I love you. I'll see you soon."

Yezelbelle

Thinking of you and your family during this time.

Hugs from across the inter'webs'.

Cora D

Death doesn't wait for life and life doesn't wait for death. They should really see a therapist and learn to compromise more.

And know that your umbrella includes your readers, who are, at least for me, are willing to share a bit of your sadness and joy.

PJ

So sorry about your Dad. Only you and Jason can decide how to let your boys do this.

When my husband's grandmother was dying (Alheimer's/dementia) his own father didn't want him to remember her like that, and we were in our late 30s by then. When my in-laws died (in an accident), my own boys were 6 and 1 1/2, and we took then to the service, but the baby (now 19) was clearly too young to remember them. But they have had two grandchidren and a great-niece, who were born after they died, named after them, so that does kind of live on.

The stories, pictures and memories you have of them will be what they remember.

One thing I do know is that your family will help you bear this sadness.

Jaclynn

Amy my heart is absolutely breaking for you.

Steph

I have been where you are...pregnant with a cancer ridden parent. It just plain sucks ass....you feel how you feel. Part of you just wants it to be over and the other part wants to stop time. There is no written way to grieve a person...you just feel how you feel.

velocitygrl

I am so very sorry you are all going through this. Do whatever you want right now. There is no right way to feel. There is no right thing to do, except to care for yourself and your family, and try to fit in as much love as you can in the time you are given. Treat yourself gently.

I remember bursting into the ugly cry when an unsuspecting massage therapist asked "And how are you today?" as my grandmother was dying of cancer.

I wish I could lift your spirits. I would take you out for Chipotle.

Lizgizzy

Losing a parent is so very hard. Change the subject as often as you feel like.

Spend as much time with your dad as you can, bring the boys too. It isn't easy but in the end, you will have fewer regrets.

My mother held on as tightly as she could at the end and it was horrible. The nurses recommended that when I felt ready, to tell her that I loved her and that it was OK to go, that we'd never ever forget her. It felt like an elephant was sitting on me because it so wasn't ok, but I held her hand and told her. She slipped away the next day, no more suffering.

But whatever you choose to do or not to do is OK. Folded shirts or no folded shirts.

Hugs from a dedicated lurker.

amanda

So sorry honey. I think of you often.

WifeMotherMe

Go alone. Be free to visit with your Daddy without the responsibly of the boys (or the security blanket that they are.)

Allow yourself to feel what you feel without the detraction.

I am just so sorry.

WifeMotherMe

Go alone. Be free to visit with your Daddy without the responsibly of the boys (or the security blanket that they are.)

Allow yourself to feel what you feel without the detraction.

I am just so sorry.

mrschaos

love and hugs to you. lots of it.

Denice Johnson

sad face with tears and huggie arms emoticon.

Denice Johnson

sad face with tears and huggie arms emoticon.

Lorena

I just lost my father to lung cancer in December, so I understand what you are dealing with and going through. He passed away the day he was supposed to start his first round of chemo. We only had him for 9 weeks after diagnosis in November; his only wish was to make it to Christmas, and Thank God, he did. He was on hospice for 4 days and I am so glad for it; those people were so incredibly helpful in dealing with so many things, both before and after he passed away. As far as the morphine you seem to be so afraid of, my dad was on morphine to allow his lungs to expand which helped him have better air flow. Pain management was secondary. Take your boys. The guilt of not taking them and (God forbid) something happening, will eat you up inside.

I'm praying for you and your family. These are some hard times, with harder times ahead. Enjoy as much time with him as possible...

Jill

It's okay to be happy and sad at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive.

Know you are loved.

Lisa

I'm so sorry.

Babs

If you don't want to talk about IT, can you talk about your ring. I like it a lot.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

You feel how you feel, and that's perfectly okay.

I am glad that you have joy and anticipation in your life right now - even if they have to live alongside worry and grief.

lindsey

Oh Amy. There are no words.

And I love your ring.

jennamom

Sweetie, do whatever you need to do. Talk about it however it helps you to process it. Hang out on the couch and kiss your babies that are here and think as much as possible about the one that's coming.

But go see your dad, as soon as possible, and go by yourself (or maybe with Jason) and plan to stay as long as you can. If you do take the boys, make sure someone is with you that can focus on them, so you can focus on your dad. All you need to do is sit with him and hold his hand and tell him you love him and that you'll be ok. For the rest of your life, you will cherish and hold onto every moment you spend with him from here on out, so get in as many moments as you can, while you can. Sending love and hugs from St Louis.

Violet

I'm so sorry, Amy. My mom died 2 months ago of cancer. She was given 3 months to live, but died just 1 week after they said that, so I know how quickly things can progress. This is so tough, but you and your family will make it through.

Amy in StL

Crap, I had to quit reading the comments because I was tearing up here in my grey little cube. You have the best readers who all would come and bring you casseroles and fold your laundry if were meatspace friends. I'm so sorry you're having to live in such a crappy emotional place right now. All I can offer is a virtual hug. (Which is really the best kind since there's no awkward boob to boob contact with a stranger.)

Heather

I'm so sorry, Amy. Sending lots of love and thoughts of comfort your way <3

Jenna

Fucking-A. I click over here with bated breath these days, unable to skip reading, but holding my breath and reading through my fingers. My dad's latest brain MRI was yesterday. We're awaiting the results.

Urp. I feel ill.

But I just had to comment to say: I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace through this terrible time.

Natalie

I don't know if this will help, but my grandmother passed away in August after a long 'fight' against dementia... not that you can really fight it...but my grandfather elected to keep her in the house and it was a very long and stressful two weeks BUT bringing my 2 year old over, and having my cousins kids there seemed to help my grandfather (and my grandmother, in some way it seemed) so I think it is okay to talk about the other stuff and to share the joy in your life with him while you still have him here

good luck and know that many of us are thinking of you and your father

Rebekah

Amy, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My heart aches for you - I teared up just reading this.

As many have said before/will say again - please don't invalidate anything you're feeling. Grief affects each of us differently, and as a funeral director I know that lots of people struggle with the thought that they're not feeling/doing the right thing. I hope you can take each moment as they come, and allow yourself to be in that moment - right there, feeling what you feel without having to analyze or worry that it's not the "right" way to feel/act.

Another side note, you may or may not be aware, but many hospices have grief counselors/chaplains on staff that will work with family members for up to 13 months after a loved one passes away. It has been a big help to many families I've served to take advantage of that.

I am thinking of you, and wishing you much comfort and peace in this difficult time. Take care.

Sarah

I'm so sorry.

beegirl

Delurking to say I am so very sorry Amy. Just breathe and get through. One day at a time.

Emily

I am so sorry, Amy.

My grandfather was both diagnosed with cancer and passed away in the span of April-August last year. I remember it was a very short time once he went into hospice. I was very close to him, and he had baptized my daughter (his first great-grandchild) almost exactly a year before he died. I'm expecting our second at the beginning of July, and now that we are planning this baby's baptism, I am grieving all over again that he won't be a part of that.

Death is so hard, and so painful. But life, I think, is here to remind us that there are things worth pushing through for. You deserve to grieve, but you also deserve to rejoice in the new life. Remember that this new life is a part of your father's life, both tied to each other forever, whether they ever meet or not.

You and your family will be in my thoughts an prayers.

Michelle

Delurking again to say that I'm so very sorry. I'm praying for you and your family. I don't know what else to say, because there's no possible way to gloss over this god-awful situation you're in. But the fact that you're functioning bodes well for you, right? Because I'd be catatonic... Stay strong, as best you can, and don't feel bad for breaking down every now and then or EVERY 5 MINUTES. You're allowed... for realsies.

Betty M

I'm so sorry that this is all going too fast. No advice other than to just go and be with him as much as you can.

Sarah

Fold the shirts, don't fold the shirts. Do the thing that will give you a little satisfaction. There is nothing wrong in choosing something that will give little brightness to a time of sorrow. Take the boys, don't take the boys. Only you and Jason, and then also your father and mother get to weigh in on this. Your mother might really need to hold them for a little while, or she might equally need to be free of them for a little while so she can concentrate.
I am almost twice your age, and I sometimes think about when I would have stopped time if I could have. Keeping my father would have meant no grandchildren, and how could I get by without them? This heartbreaking thing is going to happen, and you have to go forth in the faith that some good things are going to happen again. Not the same, but good anyway. A new baby is not going to diminish pain, but will be something to rejoice in. It's fine to do some rejoicing now. It's not disloyal, it's just the way life is. I wish I had something helpful to say to you.

PaintingChef

Sending so very much love. I wish someone could tell you that in time it will get easier or that it gets better but shit just sucks. I'm so sorry.

kellie

Hi,

I lost my much loved dad a month ago, I'm still numb with grief and don't know how I will feel from day to day.

My dad was in hospital and had his leg removed due to an issue with ciruclatory artery. He was GREAT, just coming along but had a case of diareah (sp?) we were told this was normal. He actualy had C Diffus. My sister left hm on Sunday he was smiling and happy, she returned on Monday am, he ws screaming in pain and spent the day like that until she begged the dr. for morphine and such. He told her that my dad had C diffus and was very very ill. He died that night at 2am. Where was I? I was away for work in the US (i'm Canadian) my dad was adamant not to visit as work came first i talked to him daily those 2 weeks he was great. My sister called me Monday and said she was worried, the next call was that he had died:( Go and see your dad, its something you will never regret its the biggest I have , i should have said fuck it to work and just went. I miss him and love him so much to not have said goodbye and held his hand, kissed him one last time. My kids are 10 and 12 and I should have had them say goodbye.

Anyway i'm a long time reader who never posts but after this month i feel we (anyone who has lost a parent) have that bond now, one i will hate and have to live with.

helenel

Amy - my mother recently passed away - geez, it's been nearly 3 weeks already now - of lung cancer.
Hospice had put her on morphine to control pain, but she was still aware, even if she didn't respond all the time - there would be a smile, even a dirty look occasionally, if my aunt and I were razzing her. :^)
Several days before she passed, I brought my 6 1/2 year-old twins to see her. She made SO MUCH effort to BE THERE for them - eyes bright, touching them, asking about their day. She could only do this for a couple of minutes at a time, and I had them go to her seperately, with a little rest time between. I think it did them all good.
So. Just a thought. Pleaes do what you need to do for you.

I am so sorry for your grief.

DianaCLT

SO sorry. So very, very sorry. I was in my 6th month of my 1st pregnancy, when 3 very special people unexpectedly left this life, in a 2 1/2-week span. My life became a series of funerals, memorials, struggling with the up-down emotions, and yet...looking forward to that beautiful child within me...who, sadly, would never meet these 3 people. Some told me to stop going to these hearbreaking services - that it wasn't healthy for me or my baby; but it would have been more heartbreaking if I had missed them. I know ME, and I needed to be there, to pay my respects, and to grieve. Thankfully, my OB agreed. She said that if I hadn't gone, and I had bottled up these huge feelings, it would have done far more damage to my little baby (she knows me pretty well, and how I deal). Do what feels right for YOU. So many offered have offered such great insights, but listen to your heart and let it guide you. I'll be keeping you, your dad, and all of your dad's loved ones in my thoughts and prayers.
Remember: your dad will always be with you. A part of him is being carried in that little baby of yours, right now. I don't know how you are, regarding spirituality, but I believe that my son has 3 great guardians, watching over him...that couldn't be here when he was born.

((HUGS))

Fairly Odd Mother

Oh, I am so, so, so sorry that he is worsening so quickly.

I found that my kids did SO MUCH for my dad when he was suffering. I would stand there in shock, eyes welling with tears, unable to breathe, and they would play tag around the bed, try to grab his toes, ask a million questions. Everyone's kids are different though and do what is best for your family. There is no "right" way to do this, you know? It just sucks that we have to lose the best people in our lives sometimes.

Sarahd

I think it's SO okay not to know what to do or feel right now. There just really isn't a right answer. Embrace it, I guess? Throw up your hands every few minutes and just say "What the fuck?!" and then go on with your day.

Molly

I'm delurking to say that I understand much of what you're going through. The night my husband and I decided to tell my parents that we were pregnant turned out to be the night he told us he had esophageal cancer and the odds of his surviving another year were small. It was a very difficult road, the twinning of life and death, and I felt a thousand emotions each second. I'm so sorry for this pain. My dad survived, is surviving, one of the 10 percent. One of the most beautiful moments occurred when he held my newborn, red-headed daughter, and he remembered his father had had red hair. In that genetic line, we felt the continuum of life, and whatever happened with my Dad, I knew each time I looked at my children I would see him living forever in them.

Erin

Shit damn fuck piss
Mad mad mad
I speak for all of your creepy Internet friends when I say we would all love to come help u fold your laundry.
:( sorry

nonsoccermom

I don't have anything to say except I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry that you're having to deal with this.

Dawn

It's hard to enjoy the joyful situations when also facing the saddest, isn't it? I think you need to be able to switch gears here as required. You have both intense happiness and intense sadness needing to be felt and neither should be stifled. Both are valid. (Gah, that sounds pompous. I mean do whatcha gotta do.) If you weren't feeling bone-blisteringly, overwhelmingly sad one minute then joyful about the baby the next I'd question your grasp on reality.

Regarding whether to take the boys to see your dad, I would if I were you. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer while I was pregnant with my first daughter and had surgery only days before I had a Caesarian section. We lived 1,000 kms apart, so neither could be there for the other.

She was told there were no more treatment options while I was pregnant with my second daughter and she passed away just before that baby turned one. I was very grateful that I was able to go take the girls and go to care for my mother during her final weeks. One of the few joys for my mom during that time was getting to see her granddaughters whenever she wanted to. She probably didn't mind seeing me either, but I wasn't half as cute...

It never failed to put a smile on her face when my youngest, who was just learning to walk, would stumble into Mom's room with that big, silly, triumphant baby smile on her little face, that said, "I'm walking! Lookit me! I'm walking!"

I hope knowing that your readers have you in their thoughts and prayers holds some small comfort for you.

Andrea

God speed to you and yours, Amy. I hate this for you.

Liz

This sucks, and I'm sorry you have to go through it, especially now. But I have to say when you mentioned "belly shots" the first thing I thought was IVF because I'm doing IVF (and it's all about me, an Internet stranger, right?) and giving myself three shots in the belly every night. And then I realized you can't be doing IVF because you're PREGNANT, and thought you were doing shots off your belly (like body shots). Then I thought long and hard and understood what you meant. Ack.

Sarah

If I lived anywhere near you, I would hop in a car and drive to give you a hug. Cancer f*&^ing sucks...no way around it. :(

Black Belt Mama

When my Grammom was dying last year and was on in hospital hospice care, I spent one whole afternoon doing nothing but ironing my girls' clothes. She would spend hours ironing and always looked perfect. I felt like she would want me to be doing that and so I did instead of sitting with her one day. It was a break I needed and one I told her about that night as I held her hand and talked to her. When someone you love so much is leaving, you can't stop living; but it's so hard to feel a good balance and not be overly sad or guilty about it. I wish you and your family peace during this difficult time.

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