Welcome to the Nursery
Over, Part Two


So I'm pretty sure I mentioned once or twice or fourteen frillion times that we signed up for a family membership at the YMCA, mostly so we would finally get off our butts and get the boys some swimming lessons. 

HOW'S THAT ALL GOING?, asks absolutely no one in the world.

GREAT! LET ME TREAT YOU TO A PAINFULLY DETAILED RUNDOWN, responds boring, self-centered mommyblogger.

Noah is doing well. I was nervous that we'd waited too long for swimming lessons, but now I'm glad we waited until he was past his fears of the water and a bit more coordinated with that whole vestibular system thing or whatever, because he LOVES swimming. He's much braver about getting water on his head and face and you know, not clinging to our necks in fight-or-flight terror. He can at least do a pretty decent dog-paddle on his own and do something vaguely approaching proper swimming form with a little assistance. Between swimming and karate, he's packed on a good two pounds of solid muscle in just two months.

Ezra is...well, EZRA. In what I'm beginning to sense is going to be the theme of this child's life, he has already -- in the span of three classes and a handful of recreational swims on the weekends -- completely leveled out of the under-three swimming class, skill-wise. He doesn't want to be bobbed around in the water by me while we squirt water on his head with bath toy froggies and sing the Wheels on the Bus, he wants to SWIM. He wants to do the arms-over-head "rocket ship" move that he sees Noah do before jumping in, he wants to use a kickboard and paddle the length of the pool, and dammit woman, I'm just going to climb out of the pool, walk around to the other side and jump the hell in, WHEREVER YOU ARE NOT, if you continue to thwart me with this baby-swim-class nonsense.

Last night we got out of the pool to dry off, and after I retrieved his towel I turned around and saw that he'd promptly dashed back, jumped in the pool and was about halfway down a lap lane while looking over his shoulder at me like, YEAH? AND? (He was still, thankfully, wearing his little float-y backpack.)

I see a lot of private lessons in our future. Either that, or a string of fake IDs. 

Meanwhile, I signed up for a prenatal water aerobics class. I am the only person currently signed up for this particular prenatal water aerobics class. Which...is weird. The instructor is a 65-year-old woman who has been teaching swimming at the Y for 30-plus years now, and the solo sessions just include SO MUCH SMALL TALK, and there's no buffer zone of other people, and so I feel expected to chat and be all perkily personable the whole time we're doing semi-ridiculous things involving pool noodles, and I'm not talking small talk like the weather. No more than 10 minutes into my very first class I learned all about the restraining order she currently has against her husband of 40+ plus years and how her current class schedule interferes with her domestic violence support group meetings, OH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU EVEN SAY TO THAT. 

Other things I've learned include:

1) Horseback riding gives you very strong inner thighs.

2) Her last baby was a surprise because she got drunk one Christmas.

3) But she has always suspected that her no-good husband liked to poke holes in the condoms or something, so WHO KNOWS.

Plus, you know, we're both in bathing suits. It just makes everything so much more awkward. One time I think she moved in like she was going to hug me before class and while I usually self-identify as a total hugger (just ask anyone who's met me at BlogHer), I learned that this is NOT THE CASE when we're talking poolside hugs and my winter-white thighs are hanging out, because I will kind of jump back and squeak helplessly at you instead. 

(I should also mention that there's a specific mix CD she brings for the prenatal class. The first song is the theme from Titantic.) 

But honestly, I'm about five minutes and one more anecdote about The Christmas She Got Drunk And Knocked Up away from declaring her the most awesome person on the entire planet. Plus it's a pretty decent workout. So. 

Let's wrap this up with some Friday Beefcake:








OMG! There's a reason I'm not around small children anymore. From the pictures all I could think of was how nice that they made an Ezra-sized time-out locker. Insert child, lock door.


I like the fake id idea. I think you're going to need to start writing down the wrong birth year every time you sign up for an activity.


Hmm. I AM around small children, and the time-out locker doesn't seem like that bad of an idea, really. At least they're safe in there!


Baby swimsuit calendar!


I miss eye candy Friday at mamapop and think y'all should dedicate a day to David Tennant's hair.... I mean really.

Also, I was in water aerobics at 25 because of weak knees. I got a lot of glares at the start of class but if you ever want to know how to sprain a knee in a pool class - just let me know. The ladies got friendlier after that.


Pictou & Candace - Right? At first when Ezra got obsessed with hiding in the lockers I tried to discourage it because I was paranoid he'd find a way to lock himself inside one...and then I realized that I needed him to entertain himself and stay put while I change out of my swimsuit and stuff, so...LOCKER HIDEYHOLES FOR EVERYONE!


The theme from Titanic, really! This makes me laugh so hard. I just picture a bunch of pregnant women doing some sort of interpretive move with their arms above their head and slowly sinking into the water. I may possibly need to get out more.


Now I want to get pregnant just so I can take a class with that woman. She sounds awesome. And I have so many questions! *Why* does she have the restraining order (is it because of the condom hole-poking, or ...)? Are they still married? Is she in great shape because of all the water aerobics? (Because for some reason I'm picturing a big matronly grandma, which makes her random small talk so much funnier.)

P.S. I totally knew that about horseback riding, because of reading The Thorn Birds when I was little. Anyone?


WTF, are all the YMCA's on some kind of universal curriculum, or something? Squirty water things? Check. Wheels on the Bus? CHECK.

Also, Sam locked her friend Jacob in a locker at a class once, and it took his mom and me a full five minutes to figure out which one he was banging from. Awesome.


OMG, that doesn't sound like small talk to me!


Oh my gosh, lmao about this instructor, I think I might sign up at the Y for these classes in hopes I will get someone equally interesting.


Your little swim stars are so awesome.

Sometimes, even though I'm not pregnant (yet), I kinda want to take prenatal yoga & swimming classes. Is that weird?


What is it about swimming for babies and singing Wheels on the Bus anyway? We do other more water-themed songs (Slippery Fish and Motorboat) but ALWAYS two rounds of Wheels on the Bus. I just think it's weird - not related to swimming! We don't even do a "fish on the bus" verse or anything! And we live in Vancouver and go to a non-YMCA rec centre for our lessons. There is definitely a universal curriculum going on!

Your water aerobics teacher sounds awesome. I am jealous.

Miss W

Is it just me, or was Ezra going for the Mario Batali look? ;) (Though if that's the case, I think he might need to eat a few more bowls of pasta)


Domestic Violence perpetrators really do stuff like that, you know. Increases dependence, decreases the likelyhood she will be able to leave.

The theme from Titanic for a prenatal swim class? You can't make stuff like that up. HA!

Love the cutie baby in a locker. :)


I know your swim instructor, my kids have been taking classes from her at the Y for 3 years. So I know all the stories, too! As my husband says, "nod and smile, nod and smile". Although I've always had a buffer... thankfully... :)


Once I was the only person at a Zumba class at my gym. Talk about awkward. I could almost FEEL the instructor judging my total lack of rhythm. And the whole time, in my mind, I was playing the conversation she would probably have with her boyfriend later, "You would not BELIEVE the lady in my Zumba class..."

But, I think doing water aerobics to Celine Dion with water noodles AND an over-sharing instructor wins!


I used to lifeguard for those classes..heh heh..brings back memories! Awesome! They ALL play mix CDs like that! And yes...horseback riding DOES make your inner thighs very strong..it's the only way you STAY ON, or at least the only way I stay on!


Apart from the way I looked (and how I felt about that), I always loved being in a pool while pregnant. It made the whole gravity thing irrelevant.


Can I please just second the idea of a baby swim suit calendar?


I'm praying that my future children are talented enough to go pro at whatever sport they like so that I can retire. That's the point of having kids, right?

kari weber

I took a water aerobics class when I was preggo with my first, and can I just say, the workout ROCKED! It wasn't a prenatal class, but they modified exercises for me. It was also a good way to get exercise since I was pregnant in the dead of winter.

Also: Time-out lockers looks like a money maker to me!


I'm pretty sure your water aerobics instructor was the same lady that I took private swim lessons from at the Y. She didn't seem to have the domestic issues back then, or none that she revealed at least. On the other hand, she's a great instructor who helped me make great strides in building confidence in the water.


Ha! We must belong to the same YMCA. About this time last year I enrolled in the prenatal water class and I was the only person. But they told me they weren't going to have the class, sounds like it was my loss because I didn't get any of these stories! I heard she teaches the infant swim lessons too, I hope she keeps the stories a little more family friendly.


omgggg... i LOVED prenatal water aerobics. except totally not for the aerobics part of it... i just liked to float around and not feel like i weighed eleventy billion pounds. half the time i'd just scoot my noodle down to the end of the pool and bob around while the rest of the class worked out. because that's how i roll.


hot dang, you are too funny. I have been busy and haven't kept up on my favorite blogs, but I knew I needed to come check in over here. you make me want to be pregnant again, and I already have a 8 month old. I know, I be crazy for saying that, but it's true.

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