Selective Hearing
Grasshopper, Part II

The Orange Drank Diaries

(AKA glucose tolerance testing, TAKE TWO)

7:59 am. Stumble downstairs, open fridge, confront today's nemesis: EASYDEX 50 Oral Glucose Tolerance Beverage, Orange Flavor. Ooh, variety! 

8:00 am. DRINK.

8:01 am. You know, the orange version isn't half bad. 

8:02 am. It tastes exactly like the orange drink McDonald's used to serve at birthday parties.

8:03 am. Does McDonald's still sell that orange drink?

8:04 am. Does McDonald's still do birthday parties?

8:05 am. Because hell, I feel guilty enough copping to the occasional drive-thru order of chicken nuggets and chocolate milk, I can't imagine sending out invites to a McDonald's-themed birthday party, which in this neck of the yuppie/hippie woods might as well read COME PARTY WITH SATAN! CELEBRATE CHILDHOOD OBESITY WITH THE SILENT TEARS OF UNETHICALLY RAISED BEEF. ALSO, THERE'S DIABETES IN THE GOODIE BAGS.

8:06 am. Aw, the drink's all gone. It was kind of yummy.

8:10 am. And I feel still feel fine, actually. 

8:11 am. Question: If I'm a yuppie and a hippie, would you call that yippie? Or a huppie? 

8:20 am. Still feel fine.

8:21 am. Clearly, I have developed immunity to the glucose drink. 

8:22 am. I EVEN FOUND MY SHOES IN THE VERY FIRST PLACE I LOOKED.

8:22.3439890 am. THEY WERE ALREADY ON MY FEET.

8:23 am. WHY AM I THINKING IN CAPS-LOCK?

8:27 am. Vaguest sense of intestinal foreboding. 

8:30 am. Side effect warning on bottle mentions possibility of "nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fainting."

8:31 am. Just like McDonald's! RIMSHOT.

8:35 am. Digestive tract up and officially revokes glucose drink immunity status. Jesus Christ. 

8:40 am. Cat sympathy-vomits all over the bed. 

8:50 am. In car, driving under the influence of sugar, thanks to husband's job that wouldn't let him get the morning off and now he has to miss an ultrasound and that really sucks and

8:52 am. HEY SELF, SEE THAT CAR STOPPED AT THE RED LIGHT? THAT ALSO MEANS YOU SHOULD APPLY YOUR OWN BRAKES IN A TIMELY FASHION AND

8:53 am. Hey look! When I slammed on the brakes a lipgloss rolled out from under the seat! I've been looking for that one for ages!

8:57 am. Arrive at doctor's office. 

9:00 am. Two pregnancies ago, I took the glucose drink right here on this very couch for the first time and then passed out cold 20 minutes later. Jason said I even drooled a little bit.

9:02 am. Fucking Angry Birds, man.

9:04 am. Scale time. I've gained three pounds, for a measly total of seven.

9:05 am. Nurse marks my weight gain in my chart, scowls a little. "Bitch," she thinks, probably, as I have decided that the sugar pulsing through my system has made me telepathic.

9:06 am. I refrain from making a joke about managing to leave a good one or two pounds behind in my bathroom that morning, thanks to the glucose drink.

9:07 am. Good thing, because she's the one with the needle. 

9:15 am. Blood test complete. Am moved into ultrasound exam room, which is plastered top to bottom with Lady Period-Product-Centric Posters Featuring the Metaphorical Freedom of White Linen Pants.

Posters

9:23 am. The wallpaper in this room is so ugly that I think I might love it. 

9:25 am. Ultrasound reveals that everything is still fine. Baby has flipped over, is still in possession of the necessary parts and organs and boy genitalia, is measuring close to three pounds already and on-track to not fit into any of the newborn clothes I purchased this time because I DIDN'T PURCHASE ANY NEWBORN CLOTHES LAST TIME, what with Noah being 10 pounds and not fitting into any of the newborn clothes I had, and then Ezra was a smallish little peanut and now this one is going to be another giant and it's all because I dared to get attached to all those little stripe-y onesies with the squirrels on them, isn't it?

9:40 am. All done. Back in two weeks.

EPILOGUE

2:40 pm. Seriously, does McDonald's still sell that orange stuff? Because I feel like my blood sugar is dropping for the first time since Monday and I could really use a fix. I mean, just 'cause it's tasty. I don't have a problem or anything.

2:43 pm. I CAN STOP TAKING GLUCOSE TESTS WHENEVER I WANT, YOU GUYS. 

EPILOGUE, PART II

2:44 pm. No. McDonald's has replaced the original Orange Drink with "Hi-C Orange Lavaburst." which offers the lofty promise of "refreshingly delicious orange taste." Orange taste! The color, not the fruit, I imagine. Dream big, Hi-C!

EPILOGUE, PART III

2:48 pm. Orange Drink has a Facebook page. Just FYI. 

 

Comments

bob

First

typelittlea

In both pregnancies all I ever had was the orange drank variety. If you can get it down in gulps it's not bad.

My sister had a COLA flavored one. She said it was HEINOUS.

Annemie

There are worse things than McDonald's birthday parties... try a McWedding: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2055444,00.html

(YIKES!!!)

Lee Anne

I really hope you do not have to take the three-hour glucose challenge test. I did, and someone had to drive me home. The nurse called the drink "the orange juice they serve in hell." It was awful!

souphead

The orange flavored glucose drink sitting in my work fridge actually looks yummy to me. I have to stop myself from drinking it occasionally - still about 3 weeks before the test, but it's the only thing other than water in there usually.
If they have a 5 minute window to draw your blood 1 hour after the drinky-drink, what happens if it takes more than 5 minutes to find a vein as it usually does w/ me? Hrmmmm

Dawn K.

"8:27 am. Vaguest sense of intestinal foreboding."

YOU RAWK. One of my favorite words is foreboding.

I have a "foreboding sense of dread" that I enjoy referencing in casual conversation.

Stephanie

Love those period pictures of white linen pants. Because THAT's freedom. :)

Glad baby Storch is still truckin' along.

Erin

So, I'm not pregnant (yet), but I'm actually thinking I might need to start practicing for this glucose test thing. Is it mandatory? Or just for people's whose telepathy is triggered by sugar?

If McD's still sold that orange drink stuff, I'd go find some RIGHT NOW and start my training program.

A

Not even sure if I should post name or email, but - uh - I work for the company that makes NovaS*re and A*iana and no lie, we all snicker at the white linen pants.

JJ

White Castle has a WONDERFUL sugary drink that tastes like the glucose drink. I am diabetic and one sip will send my sugar THRU THE ROOF!

charlie

Yes, they do. Nothing like a slider and orange drink. I remember that feeling and my stomach reeling. glad everything is ok

Kate

Yes, the nurse was definitely thinking "bitch," as are the rest of us.

Revel. In. It.

rkmama

I so went to McDonald's birthday parties when I was little and always picked the orange over the red shit during my glucose tests out of nostaglia for The Hamburgler et all.
What does it say about me though, that I always thought it could've used more sugar. I'm a terrible Yippee.

Tasha

I LURVED that orange drink from both my ob/gyn AND McD's. All of my friends called me crazy...can we be friends?

p.s. Fanta isn't that far off if you need another fix, just sayin'

SarahB

"Cat sympathy-vomits all over the bed."

I think that was my favorite part of your ordeal. It sounds like something my cat would have done.

Glad baby is doing well! :^)

April

We still have the orange drink here in Canada. Horray!

Ann

try tang! It's orange the colour flavoured instead of orange the fruit flavoured. Just make sure you mix it really really really well. That powder can be pretty stubborn

L.

Oh lord, LOVE the orange drink! For some reason at my elementary school super special hot dog days (!! even kids who went home for lunch were allowed to stay!!!11!!) orange drink was served even though there was no McDonalds in our town.. Also, does anyone remember how good the cake was at McDonalds birthday parties? Deeelicious.

Melissa

My kids love the Hi-C at McDonalds and who am I to deny them. The first time I asked the oldest what she wanted to drink there she asked for 'Hic'..like hiccup..hic...hic.. She'd never heard Hi-C so she assumed it was just a word with a weird bar in the middle. Hic. Husband and I busted up for awhile about that. Probably not as funny as I think.

LB

I volunteered for a program which taught safety rules to kids going into kindergarten for 5 summers when I was a teen. McDonalds provided the snacks- Orange drink which was made from a powder and little bags of cookies which tasted like animal cookies but were shaped like Ronald and the Hamburgler. This was the late 1990's, and I don't think they still offered the orange drink at restaurants. Maybe the stuff still exists.

Christina

Loved this post. Made me laugh...and laugh.

Alicia

This is a bit off topic, but I'm currently watching TLC's A Baby Story and the last name of the family being featured is Storch. I'm guessing this is a coincidence. Right?

Joy

Did you actually throw up after drinking the drink and before the test? Because that means the stuff didn't get into your body and the test results may not be accurate. You should mention the throwing up thing to the doctor or nurse, just to be sure.

Lindsay

I was at a pancake supper (in Canada) on the weekend for which McDonalds provided the orange drink, which I requested as I do not drink coffee or tea. I had to water it down because it was so sweet but it did rekindle my sense of nostalgia of the childhood birthday parties at Mickey D's. Whatever happened to the Hamburglar and the other characters anyways?

Lindsay

Also in a nice effort to match the ads to the topic, the ad at the top of the page is for a rechargable diabetes meter and the ad on the right side of the screen is for Jones soda that the labels can be personalized.

Anon

Hahahahahahaha! I love this so much I am delurking for my first comment. You have nailed my demographic of childhood McDonald parties, mom guilt, glucose tests, and more.

Ariel

fucking hilarious

Someone Being Me

I craved Sunkist both pregnancies after seeing a co-worker drinking one in a meeting. It has even more wonderful calories and sugar than other cola like drink. Orange sugary goodness in a can. Guess that's why I had absolutely no problem drinking the orange drink for both glucose tests.

Ashley

Oh my hell. I thought the SAME THING about the orange flavored glucose drink - that it tastes exactly like McD orange drink! I chugged that shit like a sweaty 5 year old in the McD play place. 45 minutes later a nurse was spoon feeding me yogurt and rubbing my back while I cried. Then I passed out. They let me nap on the exam table for 2 hours before calling my husband to come get me. Oh, the memories. BTW, the Hi-C Orange Lavaburst is THE BOMB.

Sheila

@ L at 3:40: OMG YES! They have that orange drink at my kids' little league and soccer events too. Maybe after they lost the McDonald's contract they went into cheap special events for kids. How is that even a thing?

-k-

8:06.. HA.

Lisa

I used to work at Mickey D's back in the day, and yes, those cakes were DELISH. So good.

You used to be able to "rent" an orange drink machine thing for fundraisers. My dad's softball did it a couple of times and omg. I loved that stuff.

Tam.

Hey, that's funny. I was thinking "bitch" too. :)

Wendy

I dreaded the glucose test my whole pregnancy, but ended up with the orange stuff, and wondered what the hell everyone complained about? That stuff rocks! The crash afterwards sucks though...

Also, I'm in Northern VA, and I SO understand about McDonald's. We occasionally sneak there for the nuggets, and I have to look around to make sure no one is judging. But why is Chick-Fil-A perfectly acceptable? I just don't understand the DC 'burbs sometimes. Oh, and in Arlington? You should SEE the lines of yuppie North Arlington moms at Elevation Burger (all organic meat and fries fried in olive oil). I can just imagine my PA family and friends rolling their eyes and walking out at spending $10 for a fast food burger and fries...

JB

I can't even add to that. You are hilarious. That is all. :-)

Shannon

Hilarious- I loved the shoe part

Bren

The orange stuff is good - that is until you have to do the extended glucose monitoring test and have to drink multiple bottles over an extended period of time and the hospital giving the test isn't nice enough to chill them. Ugh. That turned me off of ALL orange drinks!

Brandi

My sister had a McDonalds party. It was great! The cake was so good! I don't remember the orange drink though. The only draw back was that we all had cheeseburger Happy Meals and they have onions on them, which I still hate. But otherwise it was fun. They even gave us all Little Mermaid ornaments, some got Flounder, some got Sebastian. The only question is why she had a McDs party when my family never ate there. My parents didn't like their food so we always ate at Wendy's or Burger King. And yet she had her party there... I guess I need to call my mom for the answer to that question!

Suzanne

That stuff was Hi-C 6 to 1 orange drink concentrate, and McD's should still sell it to organizations for fundraisers. Show them the belly and tell them you're craving it and perhaps they'll let you buy one!

I wish they still offered it in the fountains because I loved it (albeit half water, half orange drink or I'd get as hyped as you did on Monday)

Oh, and don't get any ideas with that NovaSure sign, possible 3rd c-section mom. Depending on how your scars fall, there are some *interesting* things that can happen, like pockets created by those c section incisions that the tools can't reach...

Bridget

Wait, you threw up and they aren't making you retake it? I want your OB office!

Ashe

And this is why brain filters exist. You'd probably look like Charlie Sheen if you just said all that out loud*. To like, people, or something.

*Blogging it does not count.

Jujyfruit

"the Metaphorical Freedom of White Linen Pants" BAHAAAAAA!!!

mrs. q.

I totally remember the orange drink. And mc birthday parties, where the parting gift was a plastic Grimace barf bag/puppet. Awesome.

Amalah

(Note to people wondering if I vomited and thus maybe screwed up the test results. No. I did not vomit. Keep looking at the side effect list and guess again.)

(I KNOW I KNOW I HAVE NO SHAME.)

jaelithe

I was coming in here to be all like, "Pssst, the Magical Drink of Orangeness you seek is at White Castle," but then I saw that someone else beat me to it. So now I have nothing of worth to say, except to tell you that I might possibly maybe have made my husband take me to the White Castle drivethru for "cheese" fries and "orange" drink NOW NOW NOW DRIVE ME THERE NOW OR YOU WILL DIE BY THE VERY SOUND OF MY SCREAMS once when I was pregnant.

Maybe.

Amy

I can totally taste that orange drink. I knew as a kid it wasn't even very good, but it always signified some sort of gathering or celebration, so I loved it anyway.

Andrea

You are HILARIOUS!! I spit out my tea this morning when you found your lipgloss due to excessive braking!

Thanks!

Hannah

Yes, oh, yes, the orange glucose drink. YUM. I could feel the pulse beating all over my body as I drove to the hospital for the blood draw. It was like having a completely useless superpower.

Oh, Orange LavaBurst, how I love you.

Wiley

Can't get you birthday party information, but how about a wedding?

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/world/asia/28hong-kong-mcdonalds-mcweddings.html

Karen

Now I'm hoping I get the orange drink in four weeks when I go to do my glucose test. I really don't understand why they make you drink it at home, though. I've been told to come in about 15 minutes early, go to the lab, drink the stuff, then come to my appointment, then go back to the lab so they can draw my blood within an hour. I still have to drive home, but I'm planning to bring a huge protein-laden snack to eat after they draw my blood, in hopes that will counteract the evil sugar.

May I just say, that your posts about your pregnancy are brightening my days as I gestate my fourth? You make it funny and poignant at the same time.

reenie

Am laughing at 2:43pm. Also the rest of it.

HolyMama!

my kids call the Hi-C stuff, "HICK." Because they are new readers, and do not know any better and i don't correct them. i just laugh and say no.

Sherri

I walked into a McDonald's in New Delhi and there was a Birthday Party in progress...orange drink included. Only they don't serve burgers there...they serve Majarajah Macs with chicken patties. Otherwise, the same.

And I've tots had sugar induced telepathy. It's real.

Judy

Just FYI, I marched myself over to the "Bring back McDonald's orange drink" Facebook page and liked it in your honor.

Monica

Yep, McDonald's still does birthday parties. We went to one in NOVA in December. Kind of weird, as it wasn't even one with a playground, and all they gave the kids were fruit smoothies. FRUIT SMOOTHIES!

The humanity!!!!!

Liana

I love you. I am also partial to orange-flavored drinks/sodas. :)

Guest

OMG YOU GUYS IM SO DELICATE I EITHER THROW UP OR FAINT IF I DRINK A DRINK W SUGAR! BC IM SO THIN, REMEMBER? SO TERRIBLY THIN, I'LL REMIND YOU AGAIN TOMORROW ABOUT HOW THIN I AM. God, you are so fucking boring.

Cincy

Oh, so you fainted? KIDDING!

Amanda

In Marin (northern suburb of San Francisco) there are many hippy/yuppie mixes. I think people briefly referred to them as Yippies, but I don't know if that stuck. Think - dad is pissed bc he had to trade in the lexus for a prius, and mom sends the nanny to shop at Whole Foods. We have a few McDonalds but I feel judged every time (ahem, maybe once a week) when I pull in to the parking lot with the kids...

Shelly

I love reading your pregnancy posts - at 18 weeks I have not gained any weight either and I like hearing that someone else is having the same issue. As for Guest at 9:44 - oh shut up if you don't like Amy don't read her. Nasty comments are not necessary.

Meaghan

Awww, I used to love the McD's Orange Drink! Glad you got through the glucose test okay this time, it is kind of icky I think. Also, for the record, I had a wonderful time at my fifth birthday party which was hosted at our local McD's! We had a tour of the restaurant, we played on the little indoor playground, we got hats and goodies and sundaes... I loved it. And yet now, with the world we live in, I would be WORSTMOM if I hosted a birthday party there. Interesting how twenty years changes things...

Della

Oh you are so glad you are at your ob's and not mine (as opposed to last week when mine was better)... because... at mine, if you threw up during the test, you failed, and had to do over.

Glad you're feeling good :)

helenel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YId_ArKyoYs

die Frau

I just did the glucose test on Thursday! It was nowhere near as exciting as yours, and my orange drink did remind me of McDonald's orange-like drink. The bitch of it was that I was dumb enough not to know I'd have to wait for an hour afterward...fortunately, my sister informed me.

So I got to sit in a dingy waiting room filled with men while Oprah's show dealt with the fun-filled topic of male molestation. Thank God I brought a book.

I'll find out my results next week.... Meantime, I'm trying not to hoover down Cadbury eggs before I get my results.

Misguided Mommy

we got invited to a mcdonalds birthday party for my 5 year old and i just remember thinking REALLY I MEAN REALLLLLLLY MCDONALDS!!!!!!!

MKP

Bahahahaha. I just found my way here via Brigid and am giggling like mad. Love the live blogging and general derangement. Also your kids are cute. My lil brother was diagnosed ADD when he was 7 and is currently 6'3", still ADD and not unlike Big Bird in his level of general delightfulness.

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