The Orange Drank Diaries
March 09, 2011
7:59 am. Stumble downstairs, open fridge, confront today's nemesis: EASYDEX 50 Oral Glucose Tolerance Beverage, Orange Flavor. Ooh, variety!
8:00 am. DRINK.
8:01 am. You know, the orange version isn't half bad.
8:02 am. It tastes exactly like the orange drink McDonald's used to serve at birthday parties.
8:03 am. Does McDonald's still sell that orange drink?
8:04 am. Does McDonald's still do birthday parties?
8:05 am. Because hell, I feel guilty enough copping to the occasional drive-thru order of chicken nuggets and chocolate milk, I can't imagine sending out invites to a McDonald's-themed birthday party, which in this neck of the yuppie/hippie woods might as well read COME PARTY WITH SATAN! CELEBRATE CHILDHOOD OBESITY WITH THE SILENT TEARS OF UNETHICALLY RAISED BEEF. ALSO, THERE'S DIABETES IN THE GOODIE BAGS.
8:06 am. Aw, the drink's all gone. It was kind of yummy.
8:10 am. And I feel still feel fine, actually.
8:11 am. Question: If I'm a yuppie and a hippie, would you call that yippie? Or a huppie?
8:20 am. Still feel fine.
8:21 am. Clearly, I have developed immunity to the glucose drink.
8:22 am. I EVEN FOUND MY SHOES IN THE VERY FIRST PLACE I LOOKED.
8:22.3439890 am. THEY WERE ALREADY ON MY FEET.
8:23 am. WHY AM I THINKING IN CAPS-LOCK?
8:27 am. Vaguest sense of intestinal foreboding.
8:30 am. Side effect warning on bottle mentions possibility of "nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fainting."
8:31 am. Just like McDonald's! RIMSHOT.
8:35 am. Digestive tract up and officially revokes glucose drink immunity status. Jesus Christ.
8:40 am. Cat sympathy-vomits all over the bed.
8:50 am. In car, driving under the influence of sugar, thanks to husband's job that wouldn't let him get the morning off and now he has to miss an ultrasound and that really sucks and
8:52 am. HEY SELF, SEE THAT CAR STOPPED AT THE RED LIGHT? THAT ALSO MEANS YOU SHOULD APPLY YOUR OWN BRAKES IN A TIMELY FASHION AND
8:53 am. Hey look! When I slammed on the brakes a lipgloss rolled out from under the seat! I've been looking for that one for ages!
8:57 am. Arrive at doctor's office.
9:00 am. Two pregnancies ago, I took the glucose drink right here on this very couch for the first time and then passed out cold 20 minutes later. Jason said I even drooled a little bit.
9:02 am. Fucking Angry Birds, man.
9:04 am. Scale time. I've gained three pounds, for a measly total of seven.
9:05 am. Nurse marks my weight gain in my chart, scowls a little. "Bitch," she thinks, probably, as I have decided that the sugar pulsing through my system has made me telepathic.
9:06 am. I refrain from making a joke about managing to leave a good one or two pounds behind in my bathroom that morning, thanks to the glucose drink.
9:07 am. Good thing, because she's the one with the needle.
9:15 am. Blood test complete. Am moved into ultrasound exam room, which is plastered top to bottom with Lady Period-Product-Centric Posters Featuring the Metaphorical Freedom of White Linen Pants.
9:23 am. The wallpaper in this room is so ugly that I think I might love it.
9:25 am. Ultrasound reveals that everything is still fine. Baby has flipped over, is still in possession of the necessary parts and organs and boy genitalia, is measuring close to three pounds already and on-track to not fit into any of the newborn clothes I purchased this time because I DIDN'T PURCHASE ANY NEWBORN CLOTHES LAST TIME, what with Noah being 10 pounds and not fitting into any of the newborn clothes I had, and then Ezra was a smallish little peanut and now this one is going to be another giant and it's all because I dared to get attached to all those little stripe-y onesies with the squirrels on them, isn't it?
9:40 am. All done. Back in two weeks.
2:40 pm. Seriously, does McDonald's still sell that orange stuff? Because I feel like my blood sugar is dropping for the first time since Monday and I could really use a fix. I mean, just 'cause it's tasty. I don't have a problem or anything.
2:43 pm. I CAN STOP TAKING GLUCOSE TESTS WHENEVER I WANT, YOU GUYS.
EPILOGUE, PART II
2:44 pm. No. McDonald's has replaced the original Orange Drink with "Hi-C Orange Lavaburst." which offers the lofty promise of "refreshingly delicious orange taste." Orange taste! The color, not the fruit, I imagine. Dream big, Hi-C!
EPILOGUE, PART III
2:48 pm. Orange Drink has a Facebook page. Just FYI.