Selective Hearing

The Red Drank Diaries

7:43 am. Ezra appears at the side of my bed, just at eye level. "MOMMY! WAKE UP!"

7:44 am. When I fail to WAKE UP in an adequately enthusiastic fashion, he beans me in the head with a small rubber SPÖKA nightlight. "MOMMY! KITTY SAY WAKE UP!" 

7:45 am. I wake up. We bought two of those suckers at IKEA this weekend, and they make deceptively good weapons.

7:50 am. Both boys are in bed with me. Noah has brought along a ROTERA lantern that he's grown incredibly attached to and a blanket that is actually an Invibbability Cloak and is talking about Harry Potter, at least Harry Potter According To A Child Who Saw 20 Minutes Of The First Movie And Plays The LEGO Game Version On The Xbox And Thus Maybe Has Some Of His Facts Wrong. 

7:55 am. We all hide under the Invibbability Cloak from Lord Baltimort. Or a bear, depending on which kid is currently steering the narrative.

7:59 am. My brain joins the rest of my body in WAKE UP VILLE and I remember the bottle of awful sugary bright red liquid sitting in the fridge that I'm supposed to spend the next five minutes chugging for my glucose test.

8:00 am. Sitter arrives. I swap children for EASYDEX 50 Oral Glucose Tolerance Beverage, Fruit Punch Flavor.

8:01 am. DRINK.

8:02 am. Oh God, it's like medicinal Kool-Aid laced with reconstituted Pixie Stix.

8:03 am. DRINK.

8:03.38932730 am. I'm totally going to start an urban legend about someone mixing this stuff with Red Bull, then thinking she could fly off the roof, right before Satan appeared and told her to eat some Pop Rocks too.

8:04 am. DONE.

8:05 am. Brush teeth. Spend next four minutes spitting out bright pink saliva into sink.

8:09 am. Shower. Feel mostly kind of normal, surprisingly enou...


8:11 am. SUGAR!!!!11!!!!!

8:15 am. I can see my heart beating in my chest.

8:20 am. The bone part of my skull feels itchy. 




8:36 am. *trips over shoes* 

8:37 am. Found them!


8:41 am. Phone rings. It's the OB office. Doctor was called to a delivery and needs to reschedule my appointment.

8:42 am. "Okay I understand but see the thing is I was supposed to have the glucose test today and I already drank the drink like 40 minutes ago and I can kind of see forever and it's full of stars and can someone please take my blood anyway before my heart stops beating or something and hey look I found my keys they were in my purse."

8:44 am. Am informed that only the receptionist is in the office. There's no one available to take my blood at that location and since I can't get to the other, farther-away office or get a referral to a lab within the next 15 minutes or so for accurate results, it's probably best if I just swing by later for another bottle of satan-sugar-water and try again on Wednesday morning. 

8:45 am. The kitchen countertop feels sooooooo nice on my temples, which are kind of maybe starting to throb.

8:50 am. I should probably make some coffee to counteract the whole. Thing. That happens. After I drink. The. Whattayacallit.

8:57 am. Do you know what's really heavy? Shoulder blades. Right? Lay off my back, you stupid bones.

8:59 am. I was supposed to get an ultrasound too. I'd probably be disappointed if someone hadn't come along and yanked my will to live and/or give a shit about anything out from under me about 11 minutes earlier. 

9:00 am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.




Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog

That SUCKS. Big balls. My dr always made me drink it at the office (to make sure I didn't cheat, I'm positive) so I never had the whole drink and drive issue. Seriously, driving on that shit could cause actual harm.


You poor thing!! OMG! I would have gone postal.


Oh lame! I cannot believe they had NO ONE else in the office that could even take your blood? I think that receptionist might have it in for you....


LOL!! Also, WTF.


Oh, just hell. They want you to drink that godawful stuff twice? No no no no! Stoopid other pregnant ladies with their fancy emergencies!


I feel for you! It's awful!

Here they also take a bloodtest before they make you drink the stuff, to have something to compare with. Needle and sugar feast!


I feel your pain; that sh*t is disgusting. I actually made my husband drive me (the all of 1/2 mile) to the lab and stay with me after I drank that crap because of how I react to sugar. I was waffling on staying with the same practice or hauling my ass the 45 min to the birthing center next time but when the midwife told me I'd have to take the GD test multiple times next pregnancy starting at 6 weeks(!) because of my huge (10 lb) baby that pushed me right over the edge. She agreed with me that there was no real reason to suspect that I had undiagnosed GD last time (baby's blood sugars were fine after birth and he wasn't fat, just tall and he's still off the charts for height because my husband is 6 foot 4) but that it was their "policy." Screw that; I'll gladly spend the extra time in the car to avoid that junk.


Whenever I've had that test they have me drink the awful stuff while I'm sitting there in the lab. I have never had a doctor tell me to take it home, drink, and THEN drive under the influence of sugar to the lab. That's just....horrid.


With my second one, I had to take the three hour one in the office. I was literally wallowing around on one of their couches trying to stay awake and not puke. The very nice vampire-lady had to go find me some water and crackers after, to get me out the door. At least I passed, right? (barely, but it counts)

Suzy Q

You did more before 9:00 am than most people do in a day. Welcome to the Army!


wow that's awful. I went to a Birth Center, so there were enough people to go around....

come to think of it, what would they do if two or three women were in labor at the same time? Tell one of them to come back Wednesday?

anyway, I drank half the OJ and half the sugar gloop, and the combination wasn't too bad.

cindy w

I just hope you pass the test on Wednesday, because I seriously had to white-knuckle my way through the 3-hour test today, and that shit is BRUTAL. Good luck!


ooooh, that's awful. they let you do that at home now?! my last pregnancy the stupid drink was orange and you had to do it at the dr office. i threw it all up on the ugly waiting room couches.

maybe that's why people get to do it at home now!


LOL, oh man, I can only laugh at you because I've BEEN THERE! (Except worse, because I had to get my nauseous butt to the doctor to DRINK the drink, then stay there until the blood draw). I also had to do the 1 hour test, and then the 3 hour test TWICE, so I know how truly awful that drink is! Good luck on Wed!

Amelia Sprout

I would have shot someone. Seriously. That is just evil of them.


My teeth hurt just thinking about that "drink". I'm sorry you have to drink it again!


All I remember about tha tdamn test is the headache I got from it afterward. It was like my preshus baby was using magical fetus powers to aim his kicks at a nerve that ran straight into my skull. Or something like that.

Parsing Nonsense

I didn't get much of a sugar high from the drink, but I sure as HECK got a crash afterward. Wes had to take me out for rescucitative beef burritos.


Oh man, that sucks! No one wants to drink that sugary drink more than once! Doesn't sound like your boys are letting you sleep much either. On the issue about Noah might have ADD, have you ever heard or vision therapy? Kids are wrongly diagnosed with ADD when it's actually their eyes not working properly. It's a simple test at the eye doctor and normal eye tests don't necessarily look for it. It made the biggest difference in my son. He's much happier and more successful at school. The test is generally covered by insurance. It's worth a shot and couldn't hurt to either find out or rule it out.


Oh, no, that's terrible. I had to drink it at the doctor's office too. Ick.


This isn't really related to anything except -- I bet Noah will LOVE this show -- they actually made the house from Up! :


I *still* get the shudders whenever I think about that nasty flat orange syrup stuff. My last pregnancy I had to do the 3 hour test as I was just *barely* high after the one hour one. And that is even WORSE as it's 100 mls of glucose, not just 50. GACK!

Also: sucks but hope that the crash wasn't too horrid the rest of the day. Can Jason get you Indian and/or burritos to help?


Um, that should have been 100 mgs of glucose, not 100 mls because if that was the case, I would have hurt someone fierce.


Ummmm, no fair that you got to drink that crap at home. They always make me drink it at the doctor's office with hall-monitor chaperones making sure I drank the whole thing. Do I really look that untrustworthy to them??


I'm not sure it's a good idea to let women drink it at home. I was so shaky I wasn't sure I could drive aferwards. I had to stay in the lab waiting room the ENTIRE time, and I had to go back for the 3 hour one. It was horrible. And when I left the room to use the bathroom, they came running after me.


Am I the only person alive who didn't have any side effects from the "drink?" It didn't taste bad at all and I had no problems with shakiness or puking or a crash later. Maybe this solidifies what I've suspected for awhile that I am not normal......


We have a Spoka, too. Have had it for about three years now, and it goes on vacation with us - always. It actually makes a nice nightlight. (We pronounce it spoo-ka, in case you were wondering.) I blogged about how much I loved Spoka, but had to dismantle my blog because of a weird, creepy, stalker dude. The End.


Oh, our Spoka is taller and blue.


First, am SO jealous that you have easy access to IKEA and adorable lighting options. Even when the one opens here next year it will be a 45 min drive from my house, so probs not a frequent outing.

Second, did you have to drink the whole thing? My midwives only ever had me drink 1/2, which was better for me since I am super sensitive to sugar crashes and would have just keeled after consuming the whole bottle. First time around I made DH drink some of it so he would get to share the adventure. Both times I opted for the orange, which they claimed was Pina Colada flavored, though I detected no rum - FALSE ADVERTISING!


Just a pity post. That sounds horrid.


OMFG! That glucose is terrible, awful stuff! For you and your dear fetus. I drink the gunk with my first. My second pregnancy, my new midwife actually suggested I not due glucose tolerance testing. I had no symptoms, yada yada so I didn't do one BUT if I opted to she prefers a "sweet breakfast" test or jelly beans.


Holy spelling errors batman!
I would like to add that I am nursing my daughter and typing with my left hand and drinking coffee.


So sorry, that ain't right.


I would do the test over again if it meant not having to give myself 5 shots of insulin a day and check my blood 8 times a day, and count every single carb I ate. Which is what I had the joy of dealing with during my pregnancy. The test was nothing compared to the aftermath of failing them...

Maxine Dangerous

You kill me! :D I'm sorry you had to do that once, let alone that you'll have to do it again, but thanks for making the experience so damn funny. :)




SO well done!! (The writing, I mean...not the awful doctor's office snafu.)

Cecily T

Yeah, I hate that stuff. In fact, I hate it so much that I refused to do it the 2nd time I was pregnant. This is my soapbox, my *thing* for pregnancy. The data for the magic line (140 or whatever) is such junk from the 70s...they were testing pregnant ladies' blood sugar to see which ones developed diabetes AFTER they were pregnant due to the stress of the pregnancies on their bodies, so the numbers come from pregnancies as early as 13 weeks all the way to 40, so AFAIK, the data's never been collected to find out what the number is that actually causes a problem during pregnancy. Also, my MWs warned me that I was NOT ALLOWED to walk around during the 1-hour wait, lest I skew the results. Anything that uses a f*cked up sugar drink that you would never consume in real life and then disallows something as normal as walking is weaksauce in my book.

After they LOST my blood the first time, which I had carefully prepared for and gamed the system by eating only protein and drinking a ton of water and taking it first thing in the morning, I had to retake it 3 weeks later when they found the error (the later in pregnancy, the more likely the test is to be positive), on a day when I had eaten cereal and a bagel and it was 4 in the afternoon. OF COURSE it came back positive. I refused the 3-hour, and did a fasting blood sugar and a 2-hour post-prandial (which is much more normal, you just fast, and then you eat, like a normal person). My babies were fine.

The more you know... /endsoapbox


I was allowed to drink a whole bunch of orange juice really fast - like 20 or 30 ounces within 5 minutes - instead of drinking that syrupy stuff. Maybe that would be better?


I have to do this Friday, although the way they do it here is that I go to the lab in the hospital, drink the stuff, go have the appointment with my obgyn, then go back to the lab and have my blood drawn. All in the same building, plus I'm taking the tram to and from.
I'm kind of scared about how I'll react to it now though...


Did I ever tell you about the time I was already in a panic because I was bleeding in my 1st trimester therefore not paying attention to my stellar level of care - and the ditzy "nurse in training" had me drink that crap only to realize that I was "ooops, already a diabetic", thanks for nearly putting me into a diabetic coma..yay


When I was pg (babies are 11 & 14 yo now) they had us drink orange soda (crush) or eat a 3 muskateers candy bar before the test. Yum to either one, no big deal! =)


Oh no they didn't make you drink that nasty-a** sh** for nothing. That's just wrong. I'm really interested to read in some of the comments that ladies didn't use to have to drink it, or are currently opting out. Some of the pregnancy stuff they do now is pretty annoying, like making me get an IV drip of antibiotics (b/c of positive strep-B swipe) when they knew it was too late because I was about to give birth. Plus almost giving me penicillin even though I'm allergic to it--thank God my husband was there!! I'm still giving birth in a hospital for #2, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't equally as dangerous as a home birth.


While reading your tweets yesterday I couldn't help but think of my last glucose test. When I drank the glucola, proceeded to get in the car and drive to the clinic and have an epiphany half way there that ohmigod my appointment is TOMORROW! Then I frantically called the office and pleaded to get seen. I was, I passed. Crisis avoided.


With both pregnancies I had to go to the lab and drink it there. With my first son I had high readings and had to go back for the 3 hr. I also failed with my second son and ended up with gestational diabetes. Sitting at the lab for 3 hrs is crazy. I actually brought a portable dvd player and they let me lay down in the back.


I drank my red drink yesterday around 8 am, too. Sorry you have to do it again!!!


Ugh. Sorry for your misery, especially now that you have to do it again. However, I really appreciated your laugh-out-loud break down of the experience.


One plus of hospital bedrest was that I had them come to me to do the glucose test. I aced it with my first pregnancy, but I failed by one point on this one, so I had to do the three-hour (which I passed every component of, so really didn't need to drink that 100mg version), but again, they came to me!


Oops.. I erased my actual comment. Red was my favorite of red, orange and lemon-lime.


Was it the sugar that made you go bonkers or something else? Also... I can't stop laughing right now.


Oh SUCKAGE that you have to do it again. I'm so sorry. They should give you a medal for drinking it twice! I gagged several times while trying to get that down. I'm jealous yours was fruit punch and not the sickly orange drink. You are the woman.


That is just flipping ridiculous. Of course, part of me says that because my OB/GYN is in an office with 6 other ones and they have two nurses each and a full-time plebotomist for probably just this exact reason, so I can't imagine having my one doctor gone to a birth and having NOBODY LEFT IN THE OFFICE, I mean, seriously what if it was an emergency? What if someone else goes into labor like 10 minutes before you do? Do they have a backup!?! And if so, why didn't that stupid backup come take your blood for you? Sigh.

Anyhow, I feel your pain. Sorry they suck.


I just had mine today. (Agent) Orange flavor. I had GED with number 2 so I don't know why I even bother with the test. I should just get my glucometer fixed and deal. But instead I came home and had a giant bowl of fruit loops. I hope your next attempt goes better. My sister in law is a midwife and says you can also eat 18 Jelly Bellies. That's 50 g of glucose too. And super fucking tasty.

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