It's Like Winning the Lottery Only More Contagious-Like
April 14, 2011
Because I am pretty sure this pregnancy JUST WON'T COUNT without at least one unwarranted, after-hours trip to Labor & Delivery, I went and diagnosed myself with pre-eclampsia last night and called my doctor's answering service in a panic.
I'd had a headache all day that was getting worse by the hour, and I was feeling increasingly woozy and tired and out-of-it. My body was a mess of weirdly unspecific aches and pains in my back and sides and shoulders and maybe my abdomen or maybe my uterus, I don't know, it just allll hurts, and I was having these really ridiculously violent coughing fits where I would basically cough until I threw up. By the time I realized I was ALSO running a fever, I was convinced that I was dying of pre-eclampsia or HELLP syndrome or an acksploded gallbladder or something else bad and awful and very dramatic, I am sure.
The on-call doctor returned my call, listened patiently to my moaning and agreed that the headache in particular was disconcerting. I put on my shoes and made a mid-air thumb-wrestling gesture to Jason that completely baffled him, even though I don't know HOW it could have been clearer that I wanted him to text our babysitter to find out if she could come back and watch the boys because WE were going to the hospital. I mean, DUH.
Then the doctor asked me a couple other questions and it was my turn to be baffled, because she was asking about things that were totally NOT on any pre-eclampsia checklist I'd ever read on the Internet, and I'd totally read at least five or six that day, but I answered them anyway while mentally assessing the hospital-ready state of my underwear.
"Yeah...I'm pretty confident it's NOT pre-eclampsia. I'm actually gonna say that sounds an awful lot like the flu," the doctor said.
"Ohhhhh," I said. "Yeah. Now that you say that..."
And then: "But I already HAD the flu. In JANUARY. And it's APRIL. How do you get the flu in APRIL? For the SECOND TIME? And...and..."
"Yeah," she responded. "That's some really lousy luck. Lemme call in a prescription for Tylenol with codeine for you."
Wake me up in June, maybe, fuck this, the end.