I Know
May 24, 2011
I climbed into bed late last night. My nerves were on edge, my brain refused to stop inventorying and obsessing over the pre-baby to-do list, all the things that I MUST do, SHOULD do, WOULD LIKE to do, and was that a contraction or is the baby just stretching and jamming limbs into tender organs? I put my hands on my belly and tried to will the sensation to memory, because this is it. The last time. The last few days. Oh, but I'm so tired and sore and done. And yet not ready. Not enough time.
One week to go. Short and endless and terrible.
Eight weeks since he died. Like it was yesterday and forever ago, and also terrible.
"He just wanted to hold that baby!" my mom wailed, out of the blue, the last time we talked. She's still prone to bursting into tears at random moments in conversation, and no topic seems to be free of unexpected emotional mines for her. I don't know what else to say except to murmer "I know, I know."
I said the same two words to him, eight weeks ago, over and over again. Shorthand for I know you want to be there. I know you won't be there, that you can't be there. I know you tried. I will always know how hard you tried.
And yet. Not ready. Not enough time. Not fair. I know.
I'm still just really, really sorry.
Every time I read one of your posts about your dad, I spend the rest of the day either leaking at the eyes or openly sobbing. My daddy died on October 20, 2009, and it will forever stand as one of the worst days of my life. I'm so damned sorry that your dad won't be there to hold your newest son. It isn't fair.
{{{hugs}}}
So incredibly, completely, wrongly not fair.
Next week, my little girl will graduate from Kindergarten and my dad won't get to see her do it. Next month, my son will get his driver's permit and my dad won't get to take him out in his truck. Next year will be our 20th wedding anniversary, and my dad won't be there to tell me how proud he is of us.
So I get it. And no. It's not fair at all. I'm so so sorry.
What a horrible intersection of sadness and joy. Sending you love and strength. xo
I know. I know.
The unexpected emotion. The rationalizing of it all. The deep seeded pangs of hurt. The sudden bursts of grief. The tears. The love.
I know. I know.
Big love. And hugs.
I'm so sorry, Amy. I wish it were different.
It will always feel like yesterday and forever ago at the same time....It just gets a little easier. Just know he will be there in spirit...
Oh Amy. I don't know.
I don't know why life is unfair sometimes. And everything doesn't work out the way it's supposed to. And I definitely don't know what to say to you or your Mom now. I only hope you get to hold that sweet baby soon and see your Dad in him somewhere.
I am so sorry.
He's there. He may not get to hold your baby in his hands, but he's there.
Fuck cancer.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know sorry is so plain and boring and seemingly emotionless, but with all my heart, I hope you find peace.
I'm so sorry. I'd like to think your dad is holding him now, snuggling him right up until the last minute.
Corny, maybe. But it makes me feel better to think about things like that. Sometimes we have to impose our own order on the world, despite what does or doesn't make sense.
Fucking sucky. Sorry.
PS - totally love the photo. How would I have loved to lived in the 70's (Well, I did for 4 months, since I was born Aug. 79). So carefree and fun. A pram/stroller/bassinet thingy on wheels with netting over it. Some baby in a high chair (or the 70's version of a bouncy seat) up next to the water. Is anyone freaking out? NO. No crazy signs about drowning, running, diving, etc. that litters the pool area. Just kids and parents having a good time.
my mom died unexpectedly several years back, before i was even married, and well before my daughter was born. not a day goes by where i don't miss her, don't think about how much she would have loved my daughter. but also, not a day goes by where i don't see hints of my mother in my daughter - and in myself. she's still here, even if she isn't - and so is your father.
big hugs. and lots of them.
I'm sorry Amy. So very sorry. It isn't fair. My heart aches for the loss so great no joy can diminish it but soars for the joy so great no loss can diminish it.
Ugh. So, so, so sorry Amy.
I lost my mom one month ago. First watching her die in hospice and then navigating my own loss and grief, while also trying to be strong for my dad, has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thank God for my toddler who is constantly oblivious and such good comic relief, because without him, I don't know how I'd get out of bed. The rest of life's tasks just seem pointless when you feel this sad.
I'm so sorry.
No, it isn't fair. Some days it feels even less fair, I used to feel guilty because one of my first thoughts after my Daddy died was "he won't be there to walk me down the aisle" but I don't anymore because it's NOT fair! You will have grief bursts for the rest of your life, I'm still having them 15 years later, but now, after the tears, it's easier to smile when I think of him. My thoughts are with you.
Sorry too.
But can I just say, WOW that is Ezra's face right there?
My comment was a little flippant, didn't mean to come across that way. :(
My heart hurts for you. My dad died 2 weeks before my wedding, and I'll never see him with my daughter. I bury that a lot, try to forget it, because it hurts so much to know that.
He will be there. It's not the same, but he'll be there.
I hope baby comes soon, but then again I hope you can relish every last moment of the pregnancy.
This is awful for you, and if I could, I'd buy a case of cheap drinking glasses for you to throw against the house just to have something to pour your rage and sadness into.
This is awful for you, and if I could, I'd buy a case of cheap drinking glasses for you to throw against the house just to have something to pour your rage and sadness into.
I am so sorry, I too know. Know that in the very early days with your new son in your arms, in a quiet moment you will FEEL the comforting warmth & presence of your Dad. I know it is not the same (and that does suck), but it is a gift, he will be there with you ... I KNOW!
I know, too. :-( . (Not that that helps in any way, shape, or form).
That is a very cute picture of you, though. Why does it become less "cute" as we get older to look chubby in bikinis ;-) .
I've been precisely where you are. Pregnant and one foot in the world of new life, one foot in the world of a life letting go, a life lost. There are no words for it- so I'll just echo the "I know."
No assvice here. Other than to remind you that you are.living.through.this. Every day, every breath, growing stronger and stronger. Your life. And it is tragically beautiful.
Oh Amy...I'm so sorry.
two of my babies were born as 2 of my grandparents left the world. i have photos of each of them, barely holding on to life, holding my newborn infant - their great-grandchild. it is a surreal feeling and very stirring to stare new life/death in the face. praying you feel your dad's presence as you welcome your new son into the world. i'm so sorry.
So sorry! I know how you feel. My dad just passed from cancer 3 weeks ago and it is still so raw. Reading your posts makes me feel like I am not the only one going through these same emotions. I go from mad to guilty to sad to feeling guilty that I am happy. Every milestone is happy but sad at the same time. Hang in there......
I am sorry Amy.
Amy, I am sitting here right now with tears streaming down my eyes, not only from your beautiful post, but from all of the comments. The thought of your dad holding your baby right up until the last minute and sending him down to you to you knowing your dad is with you in the smallest things you see in and around your new baby is absolutely breath taking.
Peace to you.
This sucks. I'm sorry.
My dad died 14 years ago today - he was 57, I was 26. I think of him every day, I miss him every day................I'm so sorry Amy.
It sucks, all right. Wish I could give you a hug. Just today, I found myself thinking that my dad died 25 months ago, which is such a weird way to put it, but the sense of time is so elastic.
"Like it was yesterday and forever ago, and also terrible." Exactly right.
I don't think we can say this often enough or loudly enough... FUCK CANCER.
"Like it was yesterday and forever ago... "
That's the best description I've ever heard. My mother died 21 years ago this month and some days it feels like I just talked to her yesterday.
Of course it's not fair. And the way you feel is 100% okay. I'm so, so very sorry that he won't be there to hold your son, but just know that he'll be looking down from above.
((HUGS))
Love you Amy.
Fuck cancer. :(
Ah, Amy. Sending my love <3 Again, still. I'm so sorry.
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No, not fair. I hereby give cancer the double fingers.
My mother died 15 years ago this July. My second is due mid June. I'm right here with ya. :(
Like someone else said, he IS there, just not in the way you want him to be. He is in you, your baby, your sons. I know it's a crappy substitute for your flesh-and-blood dad, but it IS something. And who knows? Right now your sorrow is a real, almost tangible thing surrounding you. But maybe the belief that your dad is still here will one day become just as real to you as the pain you feel now, and maybe that's how people are able to heal.
He will be there....you may not see him, but he will be there....
Sending you (((((((hugs)))))) because it is just so unfair.....
I'm still so sorry for your loss... and for the little losses that ripple out from it. I know... I know all those little moments where it hits again.
The grief will ebb & flow like the tides. My dad has been gone 20 years and I still miss him. I will never forget on my parent's anniversary the year my dad died. My mom called and said, "I miss that old gray head on the pillow next to mine."
"I know. I know," I said.
I hung up. Then I cried.
Oh Amy. My Mom died three weeks before Ryan's first birthday. At his birthday party, every person who said to me "I know your Mom would have wanted to be here", all I could say back was "I know. I know." I know how hard this is. Sending big hugs.
I am sorry Amy
There are no words to accurately convey the sadness of loss... But you always seem to find pretty good ones.
Just accidentally posted as Karl... Christ.
One day...you'll let your new baby boy read the Cliff Notes...and your Dad will be there nodding his approval! :)
I lost my wonderful dad to cancer 31 days before my second was born and I was so sad and terrified that I would not feel happiness or joy when she was born, but instead would slip into a deep grief-and hormone-induced PPD. I will say that my baby healed my heart and she continues to make it better each day. While its been hard b/c I know my dad would have loved this child, her life has pushed out the sadness in my heart. I hope the same for you. Those last few weeks of pregnancy are horrendous, but I hope your new baby heals your sadness.
I think every "I'm sorry" represents about a thousand of us who thought "I'm not going to bug her by saying it again."
But we are. So sorry. It's just not fair.
I'm so sorry. I won't say I know exactly how you are feeling, but my father died at the end of February. I am getting married in November, and we're having a lot of the same type of conversations in my family right now.
It's just...you know...it sucks. A lot. But sometimes it helps to know someone else is doing something similarly sucky. It's helped me to read your posts about your dad. I feel less alone.
Best of luck and all the joy to you as your little one comes into the world.
What a cute little meatball you were (and what a tiny little thing you grew into--even nine months pregnant)!
I am so sorry about your dad. It is not fair.
What a perfect and nostalgic photo of you two. And what a gorgeous baby!
Baby is looking very naughty and Cute. I’ve never seen before this type of beautiful Babies. Your effort was really appreciable.
I'm afraid it will be hard for a long time. The first year was the worst for me, the pain dulled a bit after that. It's your job to survive it. Sounds like you are doing just fine with your mom.
On a happy note, are you picking your nose in that baby photo? :)