Five Weeks
IN WHICH I COMPLETELY DORK OUT FOR CANCER AWARENESS

Only In Dreams

I have dreams about him.

In my dreams, he is a composite of himself: He's wearing the ivy style hat and long coat he wore to his teaching job every day of my childhood, but his face is older. He's holding a briefcase, but wearing sneakers. His hair and beard are fully gray, but thicker than it was at the end, after the chemo. The glasses he's wearing are from some fuzzy, unspecific point in between. 

They are not happy dreams: "What are you doing here?" I asked him in the very first one, bubbling over with joy.

"Your mother died," he said simply, and walked away.

W. T. F?

I immediately woke up and texted my mom -- something unrelated and upbeat, just "cuz" -- and then sat in terror as the hours went by without a response and I wondered if I could fake it through a phone call without letting on that OH HI YOUR DEAD HUSBAND TOLD ME IN A DREAM THAT YOU DIED BUT YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE SO I GUESS YOU'RE GOOD OKAY SO NEVERMIND.

Kind of a day-ruiner of a dream, to put it mildly.

Since then, his presence in a dream unsettles me. I'm afraid of what he'll say; I'm afraid that he simply won't say anything and disappear. I'm afraid of waking up because when I wake up I lose him all over again, I once again feel the full weight of he's gone, he's really gone, and I will never see him again.

Except for the glimpses of this mixed-up shadowy phantom. Who even in my dreams I know doesn't exist anymore, doesn't belong there, and who even in my own dreams I cannot seem to go up to and hug and say the one thing that was left so painfully and permanently unsaid. 

IMG_2972

"Hi Daddy, I have someone I want you to meet."

Comments

Lorii

XO

Suzanne

I wish I could give you a hug right now. The joy of Ike is meant to be shared and well, you wish he was there to share...

My dad never got to see my two sons, and my sister's kids, one who is two weeks older than Ike. More than anything, I wish they all could have known their Gramps, so your post really resonated today.

PinkieBling

Shortly after my dad died, I started having dreams of him, too, and they were almost never pleasant. Much of the time I'd be mad at him in the dream, yelling, and then I'd wake up crying, feeling terrible. Our brains can be real bitches.

I'm so sorry you didn't get to introduce Ike to your dad in person. I hope that in some cosmic way, whatever it might be, your dad knows and is happy.

Katie

I have dreams about my dad too.. It always starts out with me saying "I thought you died" and he says he did and then cue the OMG MY DAY HAS JUST BEEN SHOT TO FUCKING HELL feeling in my stomach when I wake up.

He didn't get to meet any of my kids, or walk me down the aisle. So be thankful for the times you did get..

and along with fuck cancer lets just say fuck heart disease too..

Cheek

Oh, I'm so sorry. Just so sorry. Crying for you and the heartbreaking void left behind.

Katie

oh and *HUGS*

Katie

oh and *HUGS*

Jaime

Oh darling. That's powerful and awful and sad.
While I haven't lost a parent, I came close. My dad was really sick for years before getting better. It fucked me up tremendously so I can only imagine what you're going through.
Sending you good thoughts.

Kate

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

In a perverse way, it comforts me some - my baby died two Februarys ago. My husband, my in laws...they dream of him. They get to hold him and play with him, and despite how I beg and pray, I've never dreamed of him. I sometimes wonder if I'm being the spared the godawful pain of waking up and losing him all over again. It's bad enough doing that just in my waking thoughts.

Krissa

Oh boy do I know what you mean. I dreamed about my dad a lot after he left. Sometimes I would find myself telling him something that had happened recently and ask him for his advice. I don't always remember what it was, but one time I told him, "I'm really nervous about finding a job after school!" (this was right before finishing my grad degree) and he said, "it's always worked out in the past, baby, it'll work out again this time".

I think this was my brain self-soothing over the loss of his advice, which during his lifetime had always been so important to me. Maybe your unconscious self is trying to do something similar - resolve that last big unresolved thing, which was introducing him to Baby Ike? Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't bring you too much extra grief.

Alana

Wow... I was fine up until that last line... Then tears! Ohhhh AMY ((((hugs)))))

Heather

When my husband died almost a decade ago, he showed up in my moms dreams every night. Finally she asked him to stop because she couldn't take losing him every day. She hasn't remembered a dream since then.

As for me, it took a long time to not announce to my dream-husband that he was dead and shouldn't be there. When I announced it he went away. I don't announce it anymore, we go sit on some generic bleachers, we talk, he kisses my forehead the way he did and walks away. So long afterward, he still breaks my heart and I wish for him to visit my dreams every night.

GGR

I dreamt about my dad nightly for months after he died. They were either the horrible "he is dying right now maybe I can save him this time" dreams or the equally horrible "we're on a lovely drive together and it's warm and lovely but he ends it by saying I have to let him go now, we can't be in the same place anymore and that's okay!". In the end I refused to sleep because both dreams had me waking up sobbing. I ended up fainting from exhaustion on a plane when I was traveling to my boyfriend (now husband) Only with him I was brave enough to let myself get some sleep. My dad never got to meet him. Or my cats. Or my future babies. It is painful. I am sad for both of us. Super lulz though - it was during one of those sleepless nights that I found your blog.

Kellie

Bless your heart...I bet Ike met him before he was born! My 6 year old son says he knows my dad but he died a year before he was born...I guess we never know for sure. Hugs...

Stephanie

I'm sorry, just so sorry.

Your words brought tears to my eyes.

Kim

When my grandpa died I often dreamed of him. He would always be somewhere safe like in a car and I would be in the pouring rain trying to get to him but he would always just wave and smile. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't my time to go with him yet. It's been a long time since he's been in my dreams - I miss him so.

Mouse

I thought it was just me. When I would dream about my dad, he was always there to let me know I was f'ing things up and that he was deeply disappointed. He took my dog away from me in one of those dreams. They eventually became less frequent and I can't remember the last time he was in one of my dreams (although I don't remember dreams any more since the toddler doesn't let me get much deep sleep).

I was only 18 when he died and my sisters are all younger, so he never got to meet any of his grandkids. I think that was one of the things that bothered him most about knowing he had limited time.

Lilly

Fuck. :'(

Helen

Shhhh, I bet grandpa met him before you did. My eldest son was born shortly after my grandpa died and when he was 3 he started to talk about my grandpa and how he held his hand. The christmas before he was 4 he started insisting that he had to have a specific ice cream dessert on christmas day, every time the commercial would come on he'd say " I need that on Christmas!" I told my mum in passing one day as I was baffled as to why he would suddenly want this one dessert but only at christmas, mum said that was the only thing grandpa had ever insisted on, that every christmas Nana make sure that one dessert was served. There's more to this old life and beyond that we know, I am sure of it.

the grumbles

It's not at all the same (at all, at all) but I often seen my dead grandparents in dreams. There's always that eerie feeling of not-quite-right when I see them sitting there and I wake up feeling... off. I intensely dislike it whenever it happens. Hugs, you sweet thing.

Jodifur

My dad's dad died when he was 15. He tells time, still, by before, and after. He still dreams about him. My dad is 65. I don't think you ever completely get over this.

Hugs hon.

Amanda

Whoosh.

You covered some serious ground in this incredible post.

Wishing I could do something other than standing behind you hissing, "Fuck cancer."

Momma21

I was "happy" to read this today, I have had hte SAME EXACT dream where dad tells me mom died and it scared the living hell out of me, he has also came to me at night and told me that he needs her and will be taking her soon - FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT, there was a point I simply said out load to him...PLEASE DON'T COME BACK FOR AWHILE, and he didn't until I asked before falling asleep to come see me one night.
Please know you aren't alone!

roo

Maybe one of these days he'll visit you in a dream, and it will feel different, and you'll be able to tell him about his newest grandson.

I hope so.

Be well.

Angie

I have those exact same dreams and it has been 30 years later (I was 14). I have joy in that I will see him again and he will see my children. My Christian upbringing gives me peace. I hope you are able to find that same kind of peace. You are not alone.

Andrea

*SOB* I'm so sorry. Just so very sorry.

liz

SOBBING.

beegirl

I dream of my dad too, and it's been over a year since he died. He says irrational things, and seems grumpy fairly often. I try to remember the dream as much as possible, but it is both confusing and comforting to have him there. Hugs.

heather

I feel the same way with my mom. She died when I was 8, almost 26 years ago and those dreams still hurt. I miss her so much and lose her again when I wake...

Susan

I like to think a dream with my loved ones who've passed is a visit from them. Even the not so pleasant ones. At least it's a visit.

And I choose to believe that my parents, gone before my child was born, are well aware of her. In fact, when she was still a newborn she would look up at the ceiling and smile. I'd tell her to "say hi to Grandpa!"

bessie.viola

Oh Amy... I'm so sorry. It is so unspeakably sad and unfair that your dad never got to meet Ike. In this life, anyway... I like to think that they met somewhere beyond. It's what I tell myself about my much loved Grampa and my daughter.

Issa

Hugs honey. Just hugs.

Lorrian

I think your Dad met Ike...and then sent him to you with extra hugs.

Maxine Dangerous

Sending love. <3

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Beautifully said. I hope eventually the dreams will be less unsettling.

What a wonderful gift for Ike to know your father through your words. You really can make someone so vivid and real, just by writing about him.

Sara

Aww sweet heart

Amber

I often dream about any and all of my grandparents who are all dead. I take comfort in knowing we can see them again. There is something to be said for the teachings of childhood. I grew up in church, as you did, so I am a believer in Heaven. And I can't wait to get there.

notsupergirl

I have been aching to dream of my sister who died in February. I can't seem to do it. I want to see her so, so much, even in a dream. It hadn't occurred to me that it might nto be pleasant. There are a million things I want to say to her, significant momentous statments and silly throw-away comments. Mostly I want to hear her say things. I want to hear her wish her youngest daughter a happy birthday for the first time or comment on her middle daughter's first loose tooth or tell her oldest daughter a goofy joke that makes her giggle in a carefree way that I haven't heard from my old niece in a while. The desire I have to dream of her is so strong that it hurts, but I don't want her to say someone else is gone. I know I can't handle that. So, I'l hug my two daughters and my three nieces close, and I'll do my best to see Jacque in their faces. If you want to see photos of my amazing, gorgeous and hilarious sister, they're here: http://atplayphoto.com/blog/?p=2166
All my best to you as you try to take in all the pain and joy of life,
Jen

Katy

I'm with Kellie. Your Daddy met Ike before you did.

TwoBusy

Ow.

This was a sad and lovely -- and funny, for that brief moment, in a way that made the sad and lovely that much sadder and lovelier.

Heather R

I know I have had a few dreams with my dads in them, although I honestly can't remember the specifics. Nothing like the ones you describe, nothing significant about them. He died 26 years ago when I was 7. But I had a dream after my grandmother died, when I was 19, that I remember very well. I was in her kitchen and she was cooking and everything was perfectly normal, like it used to be. Then she looked at me and said, "You know I'm dead, right?" and I just looked down and said, "yes." I woke up realizing I had been in complete denial and really needed to deal with my feelings. I don't think I've dreamed about her since.

Kari Weber

Everyone says posts like this always make them cry... But I am sobbing right now. It caught me off guard. My father in law never even met me... Let alone his beautiful grandchildren. If you believe in heaven, you believe he HAS... But it isn't the same. It is NOT the same. I feel cheated... And I feel cheated for my husband and my children. Cancer took that too.
But I try to teach them... And try to appreciate what I have. I am so sorry that Ike, and the rest of you, lost him.

Melanie

I am so sorry Amy. I wish there was more I could say or do. I am not a very spiritual person, but I do believe our loved ones who have passed look over us and our loved ones. My Papaw passed not long after my nephew was born. He was very sick and in the hospital for the entire time B got to know him, but after he passed B would look into the sky and say things like "Papaw". There was also some other random stuff that made us feel that he was there. I am sure that your dad has had the opportunity to see Ike and knows how much you miss him and want the two to meet.

Hollie

I feel you on this one, big time. My dad didn't see me marry, or have a child, or hasn't seen me hit 25, 30, or beyond. And I named my son after him. So, sometimes, its a lump in my throat when I call my son's name. After awhile, it feels more like a gentle reminder that he is still a part of our lives. I hope you start to see him in your every day life and how he shaped your world and maybe not so much in funky dreams.

the grumbles

awesome to come back and see i mis-typed see as "seen" in my very serious death-dream comment. oh wait not really.

Kimtoo

For me, the hardest part about losing my dad was all the times I'd catch "glimpses" of him in a crowd, out of the corner of my eye. I'd get this jolt of recognition followed by the memory of his loss, and oh man was that hard. The dreams were different. The waking up was hard, but for a few moments I'd get to have the rhythm of his conversation again. You have pictures, even videos, but that particular form of give and take just can't be captured. And I miss it, even after all these years, but Amy? I promise it will get easier. I miss it, I miss him, but it isn't gutwrenching anymore.

Erin

no matter how wonderful the baby is, and how busy life is... you just lost your Father a short time ago. It's okay to grieve and talk about him. :( feel so bad for u :(

Monique

:'( That last line made me so sad. I'm sure he is so proud and full of love for both you and little Ike! {{HUGS}}

Erika Mitchell

Ah man, I know exactly how this feels. I still have dreams about my Dad 1-2 times a week, and he's been gone almost two years.

Eventually those dreams are kind of nice, though. It does get better.

Jana

Oh, Amy. Saying I'm sorry is so lame, but I am. I'm so sorry. I also have to say that, maybe I'm a pollyanna or deluded or something, but I do believe he still exists, in some way. Maybe not in the streets of gold way that I was brought up to believe, but in some lovely cosmic/energy/soul way. Or maybe I'm just trying to make my own self feel better about my beloved stepfather's recent and rapid entry into what is most certainly the beginning of the end. But for certain, I send you good thoughts for comfort and peace.

Barb

Silly "girl"
You think he hasn't met him?

Liz

At least I got home from work today before you made me cry. (Hugs.)

Liz

At least I got home from work today before you made me cry. (Hugs.)

Ashley

GAH woman... sobbing like a fool. But everyone is totally right. He's met him :-) Hugs.

ccr in MA

When my dad is in my dreams, they're never good dreams either. He usually looks lost or confused, not like himself, or not like the way I want to remember him. Sometimes I only realize after I wake up that that was him, because he isn't himself. It's terribly depressing.

He doesn't talk in these dreams, so he's never given me a scare like yours (you poor thing). Right after a friend died, I dreamed that my mother died and it was so awful I woke up sobbing, and had to call her right away. That was 12+ years ago and I'm tearing up thinking about it. These emotions get a choke-hold on the heart.

Ani

It gets better.

sarah

Oh, Amy.
You have many gifts, and two of them are a father that you had a connection like that with, and the ability to write really, really well.

Corie

Oh my gosh, Amy, I know. I KNOW. My father passed away 3.5 years ago. My son was born a year to the day before Ike. Our son's middle name is Michael, after my father, which was a decision we made the night my father left us, after a sudden heart attack. Not a day goes by that I don't wish that he was here to meet his beautiful grandson, and any children that may follow. But like many others, I think they have met. I think, when my son is looking at nothing in particular and starts laughing, that it's really my daddy there entertaining his grandson as I know he couldn't in life.

And the dreams. I know all about the dreams, too. They're both beautiful and terrible all at once. You look forward to them, because, for a little while, it's almost like they aren't really gone. But then it hits you, even while you're still dreaming, and you're right - it's like you're losing them again. Those days are the hardest for me. I'm not going to say that it doesn't still hurt, because it does, but it has gotten better for me. I haven't had a dream about my father in a while - they've gotten fewer and farther in between. Now they tend to come around certain times - the anniversary of his death, his birthday (which, ironically, is only a couple of weeks later), and around Christmas (his favorite holiday).

I don't know what I can say to help. As all of us have expressed, you're not alone - many of us who have lost a parent or grandparent have gone through this. It sucks big fat donkey balls, and it leaves you in a funk that can last for a day or more. But in the end, life goes on, and you have three little boys who need you. Even though Ike never got to meet your father in person, I'm sure you'll help him get to know his grandfather through your photographs and the stories you'll tell him.

Hugs to you.

Schweeney

Your Dad exists as long as you hold him in your heart and share your memories of him with your kids.
My Mom does, and she's been gone from this earth over 10 years. We still joke about her even though my daughter and son were both rather young when LaLa died.
I just dreamt about her last night, the dreams have gone from disturbing to very calming. I hope the same happens for you. Time heals alot.

Erin

I laughed my ass off reading about 5 week old Ike. Then you go and make me sob with this one. Oh honey...It just sucks. It will get better.

KMax

Oh, oh, oh.

My dad died almost five years ago, suddenly. Heart attack, instantaneous.

There's a long story about geography in there, but let's cut to the chase and say that my sister and my two little nieces were in NJ with me on that day, and my mom, brother-in-law, and father (the guy who died) were in NH. My nieces were five and two. My sister and I proceeded back to NH, and didn't tell the kids at that point--she wanted them to be with their dad, as well. But, honestly--they knew.

In the weeks and months after, they both saw him. Over and over and over. The younger saw him in the trees, constantly: "Look! There's Papa!" Just thrilled. The older would talk to me--only to me--about how he was "standing right next to [her]." This would be while we were on the phone. She'd tell me to hold on, and she'd babble away in the background--pauses, laughter, a whole conversation. Those were with my dad, apparently. She'd come back and say, "Papa says he loves us. And he misses us. And he prays for us." The "pray" part was odd, because my niece had never been to any church. And my sister and brother-in-law aren't religious. It felt like she really was seeing my father. Mostly, I was thrilled that she appeared to still be talking to her grandfather.

I guess my point is that it's better to dream of him, keep him alive however, than not to. I dreamed of my dad the other night, and it was good--it will get better for you. We all do this, from the littlest to the adults; it's the way we process it. You know this. At some point, you'll get to the point I have: I look at my boyfriend, who never knew him, and say, "You are so much like my dad. I wish you knew him. Also, I'd like to punch you." Not in the same way, maybe--you don't have a boyfriend who didn't know him--but in this loving, happy, missing way that just makes you realize, all over again, how great a dad he was, and how much you miss him--but with less hurt. It does fade. It does get replaced with some kind of deeper love. xoxo

KMax

Oh, oh, oh.

My dad died almost five years ago, suddenly. Heart attack, instantaneous.

There's a long story about geography in there, but let's cut to the chase and say that my sister and my two little nieces were in NJ with me on that day, and my mom, brother-in-law, and father (the guy who died) were in NH. My nieces were five and two. My sister and I proceeded back to NH, and didn't tell the kids at that point--she wanted them to be with their dad, as well. But, honestly--they knew.

In the weeks and months after, they both saw him. Over and over and over. The younger saw him in the trees, constantly: "Look! There's Papa!" Just thrilled. The older would talk to me--only to me--about how he was "standing right next to [her]." This would be while we were on the phone. She'd tell me to hold on, and she'd babble away in the background--pauses, laughter, a whole conversation. Those were with my dad, apparently. She'd come back and say, "Papa says he loves us. And he misses us. And he prays for us." The "pray" part was odd, because my niece had never been to any church. And my sister and brother-in-law aren't religious. It felt like she really was seeing my father. Mostly, I was thrilled that she appeared to still be talking to her grandfather.

I guess my point is that it's better to dream of him, keep him alive however, than not to. I dreamed of my dad the other night, and it was good--it will get better for you. We all do this, from the littlest to the adults; it's the way we process it. You know this. At some point, you'll get to the point I have: I look at my boyfriend, who never knew him, and say, "You are so much like my dad. I wish you knew him. Also, I'd like to punch you." Not in the same way, maybe--you don't have a boyfriend who didn't know him--but in this loving, happy, missing way that just makes you realize, all over again, how great a dad he was, and how much you miss him--but with less hurt. It does fade. It does get replaced with some kind of deeper love. xoxo

KMax

(Let me qualify the "punch you" thing. My dad was irritating as hell at times, as he chatted and bantered and poked incessantly...and I'd tell him I was going to hit him. You know--with love. My father really never understood that he wasn't our older brother, as well. He was funny and a pain in the ass.)

Darla

Hear hear on the Fuck Cancer. I'm sorry you are having to go through that. From a vivid dreamer and a midnight texter (my poor Twin has had to hear her fair share) I send support.

Kelly

Such a beautiful post. And I am still so sorry for your loss. <3

Ashe

I'm so sorry, Amy. I hope the dreams turn into more positive ones. I used to have a lot of dreams like this just after my father passed away (he had Lupus) but I've noticed that over the years they've gotten "better." Not so much sad but comforting, normal almost, like nothing has changed. I think it's fairly normal to have these kinds of dreams, shitty as they can be. Hearts and things lady.

Melissa

I also lost my dad to cancer, one year ago. My daughter is 11 days old now, and while I am awash in the joy that a newborn brings, I can't help but feel sad at the things my dad and she will never know together. I dream about my dad often, but the last one I had, months ago now, was different. His smell was overwhelming. I cannot remember ever smelling a scent so strongly in a dream before.We were driving. He told me he missed us but he was ok. When I went into my 2 year olds room that morning upon waking, she was babbling nonstop about 'Papa,' not a subject we spoke about with her. I can't help but think he visited my, and he visited her, and he is watching over this little baby as well, who, in my eyes, bears a striking resemblance. I believe this is the case for you as well. He knows that baby. I wish you peaceful nights and days...

Luisa

I'm so sorry.

Sarah

I hope you could find a little consolation in the fact that really only one very important thing remained unsaid. You really did get to say, or were wise enough to say, the other important things, and I hope you can focus on those.

Brie

::hug::
It never stops sucking, but you kinda learn to live around it. My four year old got it in his head that the birthmark on his cheek is from where my Dad kissed him before he was born (cancer's a bitch), and so he mentions that every now and then. It still makes me get misty.

So yeah, I'm sure hugs from random internet person that you don't know aren't particularly helpful, but just...hugs anyway.

Rebecca Van Hout

Sobbing here too! HUGS!!! Not only your poignant post but all the comments. The dreams really get to you. Sometimes I want them but other times they are too painful. My last one of my grandmother was years ago but she told me she loved me and she was proud of me and somehow I don't think I'll dream of her again. I hope you have a transition in your dreams to ones that are more pleasant. So sorry about your dad!

lisa

your dream really resonates with me as last year my husbands grandfather passed 5 days before we got married, and both his dad and my grandma were fighting cancer. They won this round but we both so want them to at least meet our first born. Only to find out that we are having some major problems trying to concieve and feel like we are up against a clock we cant see so we dont know how much time is left. And every month is a disappointment and the fear that neither one of them will be here to see our child.

Here is a big hug for you and your family.

Nann

Hurting for you

Nann

Hurting for you

The Mommy Therapy

I recently had a dream that my father had a heart attack on a boat, fell in the water and died. I woke up with the feeling of loss and doom. I was terrified that I had somehow forseen the future. I immediately called my father. He answered and I immediately made him promise he wouldn't go for any boatrides...to which he responded that it was rainy that day and he hadn't been on a boat since 1987. I guess this was good news.

I'm so sorry your father isn't here to meet that beautiful baby boy. There is little doubt he would have delighted in him...

CoraD

Big, huge, bone crushing, pain anihiilating hugs.

Jae

There are so many ways to think and feel about these dreams of your father and his "messages." Perhaps, in a way, your mother has "died" as in changed profoundly. I almost lost my husband two years ago and after our life together, I know I would "die" if he did.

And it is incredible, how very much your new son looks like your father!

Peachy

Next time, ask him if he has seen Ike. And when you've had your chance to talk, tell him he can't come visit you for a while because it hurts too much, but in about a year, you'd love to see him again. He's still your dad, still loves you, and will listen.

As will we. {{{{hugs}}}}

Suzie

Not sure if you're reading down this low, but every night for a long enough time I too dreamed about my dead father. He'd walk in our living room, I'd say 'Dad, I thought you'd died', and he'd say "oh no, it was a mistake'. They were deeply distressing dreams.

Night after night.

Now that he has been gone for over ten years, and I feel like I am forgetting how his voice sounds, I often dream nice dreams of him, where his voice is strong and clear and I remember everything about him.

They are wonderful dreams.

I hope you don't have to wait ten years for those dreams, Amy.

Best of luck,

Suzie

Courtney

After my mom died (I was fourteen) I had a reoccurring dream where I saw her at a bowling alley and when she realized I had spotted her she took off. I guess its not too hard to read into the meaning of that! Abandonment issues much? Not that it makes it any less unnerving, but I suspect those kinds of dreams are pretty common when we're grieving. :(

Sarah

Kia Kaha Amy and all of your reader who have had such a loss. Kia Arohanui.

Plano Mom

It so sucks to be a member of this club.

The dreams get easier to take after a while.

Bozoette

I have dreams about both my parents - my mom more so, since she died 18 months ago. The first dreams of my mom were very troubling, now they are more like visits. Try telling yourself that you will introduce Ike to your father in your next dream. Say it to yourself just as you are falling asleep. Sometimes setting up those dreams can help you steer them.
And, as others have said, it does get better - the raw grief mellows into a sort of fond sadness. I know that doesn't sound any better, but it is. Hugs.

julie M.

I'm so sorry. I had these dreams about my mother quite often when she first died. The good news is that they became less frequent as more time passed. I do still have them a few times a year though and its been 14 years.

Tambam

That right there is why I made my husband get a vascectomy 10 days after my Dad died. Hugs! I wish he could have met your beautiful son.

Lizigizzy

This post left me feeling sad and relieved all at the same time. I've been having dreams about my mother on and off for almost 4 years. They usually involve me going home and somehow realizing that she's alive and healthy, the mother I remember before the cancer robbed her of everything-the joy I feel is overwhelming. But when I arrive home the house is dark and empty. There's nothing left, no note, nothing, they are both gone. I realize that they've moved and left me no way to find them. I wake up so terribly sad.

I wasn't sure what to make of those dreams, but al least they aren't unusual.

Amy, you said it perfectly, they represent so many of the things left unsaid.

yale

There’s a discount on the new Laurie Berkner DVD and some of her other CDs at Zulily.com. My kids love her. Definitely recommend taking a peek! :)
http://www.zulily.com/e/laurieberkner-061111.html?pos=9

Shelbey

Gah! That last line killed me! I'm so sorry...But man, you can sure make beauty out of a hard situation!

Shelbey

Gah! That last line killed me! I'm so sorry...But man, you can sure make beauty out of a hard situation!

RzDrms

Oh, I *truly* believe your Dad met Isaac before you did...

...and I know he chose him *just* for you and your family. Ike fits in far too well to be a brand-new stranger from another planet. Well done, Papa.

(and virtual hugs to kate. i am so saddened to read of your loss.)

Jen

Ugh. My dad died almost ten years ago at the age of 53 from a malignant brain tumour. It took years for him to not be sick in my dreams. Now he's just normal. It's just normal. (Kinda, except for all the totally messed up dream scenarios.)

It won't always feel so crushing.

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