The Incredible True Adventures of the Wonnerpets in Poopland
Friday Coasting

The Deodorant Wars, Crime Noir Edition: The Devil Had Dry Armpits

(This entry is based on actual events.)

(I mean, kind of. I made up some parts up. See if you can guess which ones!) 

(Also, certain events have been recreated for photographic purposes.)

(I wore gloves. Ew.)

(Also also, if you have absolutely no idea what in sam blessed hill is going on here, allow me to direct you to the previous entries in the Deodorant Wars Saga [linked below], which goes further and further off the rails with each ridiculous installment.)

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four

IMG_3109

The official cause of death? Accidental toilet drowning.  

"Some clumsy dumbass probably just knocked it off the bathroom counter and into the toilet with her elbow," the coroner said. "It's a real shame. By the looks of it she had a good 10, maybe even 20 clicks left in her."

I didn't think too much of it at first. Once you've been Dermatologist Tested and equipped with patented TRIsolidTM body responsive technology, you pretty much become numb to this sort of thing. I just show up to write the reports, file the paperwork. 

The name's Lieutenant Degree Men Clinical Protection. I'm a cop. Maybe there was a time when I was a good one. Maybe there will come a time when I'll be one again. Right now, most days, it's just too damn hot out there to care. 

The sweat stains are gonna win anyway, so why even try? 

IMG_3117

Her younger sister -- a sweet kid, smelled like cucumbers -- came to identify the body. And immediately started asking questions, poking around, sticking her lid where it had no business being. 

"This was no accident," she all but hollered. God, I hate when they make a scene. The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this. Them and the soaps are always getting mysteriously dropped in the shower and have been just itching to a reason to start a full-on riot over sink-side police coverups. 

"The angle, the trajectory," she went on, "It's all just too perfect. Who has that kind of aim with their elbow? Honestly. She was clearly pushed. On purpose."

"I loved my sister." Her voice was quieter now, thank goodness. "She was smart. Successful. Clinically proven."

"But she had...some enemies."

IMG_3112

She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that. 

She wasn't all aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex, though. Another look at her sister's lifeless body brought out her softer, moisturizing side.

"She always had prescription-strength wetness protection, but..."

She didn't need to say it. We were both thinking it. Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl.

IMG_3128

I needed to say something else, though, even if she didn't want to hear it. My own specially-formulated wetness protection didn't extend much further than the medicine cabinet, and if there was foul play going on here, the culprit probably didn't come from there.

No, I suspected this was the work of The Others. They'd once enjoyed a little taste of infamy and the good life -- something with the Internet, I didn't really understand any of it -- but have been banished to a bottom drawer for damn over two years now. They're well past their expiration dates but it turns out once you anthropomorphize a bunch of deodorants for blogging purposes, it gets awful difficult to just toss them in the trash. 

IMG_3125

They were a motley bunch, for sure. Shifty. Made the whole drawer smell overpoweringly like lavender-scented cool fresh baby powder mixed with the ambiguously named-by-marketing committee smells of Bella Bloom, Sexy Intrigue and Just Dance. 

You never forget that smell.

Yeah, I had my work cut out for me here, if I wanted to help this poor dame find out what happened to her sister. You can probably imagine my surprise when I realized that...I did. Want to help, that is. There was just something about her. Something about this case. It stunk, all right, just like that damned bottom drawer.

"Don't worry, Dovecakes," I told her. "I'll ask around. Just know that getting to the real truth in this town is..."

IMG_3133

"The pits."

(YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

Comments

Judy

This has just made my day...I so needed that laugh!

Courtney

"Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl." Ahh, truer words were never spoken.

BTW, I was one of the people who asked for more Deodorant Wars on twitter - so thanks for delivering! Do you think there's love in the air for Lieutenant Degree and Ms. Dove? Or was I reading too much into this post . . .

Kimberly

This stinks. (I kid! I love it.)

Roberta

Move the fuck OVER, Dashiell Hammett!

Geeg

I know you may think it is too soon to start seeing another deoderant after such a tragedy, but I think if you gave the new Mitchum Advanced Control a chance, you might be as happy as I am after years of dysfunctional relationships with sweat-fighters. Perhaps that will be the beginning of another installment...

Anna S.

Yeah!! Another installment! Love it! I didn't realize I missed these. Thank you!

I found myself thinking, "Hey, there's the Tom's!" like he's a beloved old character from the original trilogy. Because ... well, he is. Once you anthropomorphize deodorant, you can't go back.

Kristen

I like the Mr. Potatohead glasses.

Kelly

YES! More deodorant wars!!

Myranda

I just choked on my coffee. Holy shit that was what I needed today (the laughing, not the coffee choking haha)

Lis

HA! Yes. Love youuuuuuuu.

Lindsay

Oh how I've missed the deodorant saga! More please!

Also..."Dovecakes." Freaking. Awesome. :)

Lindsay

Oh how I've missed the deodorant saga! More please!

Also..."Dovecakes." Freaking. Awesome. :)

Brandi

Thank you!!!! I have so missed the Deodorant Wars!!! And this was the best yet!!!

Lauren

You're friggin HILARIOUS!

Lauren

You're friggin HILARIOUS!

Suzy Q

Haaaahahaha! Yes!

Diane

This was up to your usual standards of hilarity, and then ... the ending. OMG. I died. Completely died. Horatio humor wins every time.

Karen

Yay! Thank You!!!!

I also said, "Hi, Tom's of Maine!" I SO hope he did it!

Karly

I love you.

Alison C

I love this!

Anne

HAHAHAHA! *breathe* HAHAHAHA!

Definite deodorant wars success.

I, too, was like "ooh look, the Toms!"

Anne

HAHAHAHA! *breathe* HAHAHAHA!

Definite deodorant wars success.

I, too, was like "ooh look, the Toms!"

Jessie

This may be your best (deodorant-related) work yet! Awesome.

Lauren

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH - Oh my stars - way too funny! ~ L

Jen L.

My God, you are brilliant. "You never forget that smell." Bwaaaaaahaha! This made my week.

Dawn

HAAAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAA!
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Love the set up and shift away from soap opera to film noir. Much awesomeness.

And the ending was to....die for.

Laurie

you make me laugh!

i'm just hoping the sister will have a love interest in a later episode... old spice red zone swagger!

Julie

Yay! Loved this one! I'm intrigued now....whodunnit??

Erin

Two enthusiastic thumbs up!

Emily

F***IMG AWESOME!! just made my bad day go away. Thank you!

MissRed

AHAHAHA that was awesome!!! I have loved all the Deodorant Wars. [Yes, am a long-time lurker].

"She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that." LMAO!!

Yeah, what was up with those Secret commercials in the 80's, "Strong Enough for a Man, but made for a Woman." WTF.

MissRed

AHAHAHA that was awesome!!! I have loved all the Deodorant Wars. [Yes, am a long-time lurker].

"She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that." LMAO!!

Yeah, what was up with those Secret commercials in the 80's, "Strong Enough for a Man, but made for a Woman." WTF.

PinkieBling

BEST DEODORANT WARS EVER. I can't even pick out favorites, there are too many. Omg Amy, I love you. Still LMFAO!

MKP

Baahahahahaha. Ridiculously hilarious. Back when my brother and I were first discovering the internets there was this interactive comic-game series on AOL called "Detective....in a jar" that was a bran in a jar with some wires going around solving crime. I am wallowing in 1998 internet nerditude. Thank you.

Cristin

I just love it. That is all. LOVE IT.

Amy

God I lurve you!

bad penguin

That was fantastic. Particularly the sunglasses at the end. :)

liz

Nearly wet my pants.

bessie.viola

Love, love, love this!! The last "YEAAAHHH" was perfection... this whole entry made me think of that show.

ssm

Oh, deodorant wars! This and the microwave cookbook are some of the most hilarious things out there.

nikki

THAT, was sheer brilliance.

Vaiden

If this is your post-partum brain, we're going to need you to keep having babies. Strong, strong work.

RebeccaF.

You are such a good writer!
Thank you for that. I don't know how you find the time but hi.lar.i.ous.

Elle

Ahahahahahaha!!!!

Anthony from CharismaticKid

You are an amazing writer. How were you able to do this? See I wish I had cool talents like this.

nonsoccermom

"Sink-side police coverups", hee! This whole post was awesome!!

Laurie

You realize with every update I have to go reread all the previous ones. Much like the Harry Potter books...

cee

"The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this"

hahaha oh my god I am so glad this is back!

cee

"The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this"

hahaha oh my god I am so glad this is back!

Kate

BRAVO!

The most creative and entertaining thing I've read on the internet in a very very long time.

Amy Lee

Is it wrong I already want the next installment?

tonya

"sweet girl, smelled like cucumbers"

Oh God, you slay me!

Alicia

I love that this was an old black and white mystery that somehow ended with a CSI Miama tie in. You're like a magician!

Alicia

Miami*

Alicia

I love that this started as a perfect black and white murder mystery that transitioned beautifully into CSI Miami. You're like a word magician!

Life of a Doctor's Wife

This is amazing in so many ways.

bethany actually

Oh man...the only thing better than Deodorant Wars is DEODORANT NOIR.

bethany actually

Oh man...the only thing better than Deodorant Wars is DEODORANT NOIR.

bethany actually

Oh man...the only thing better than Deodorant Wars is DEODORANT NOIR.

Melissa

First of all, this:

"Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl."

Second, Horatio Cane? My God, woman. How you take care of three kids and have the time to write amazingly creative blog entries is the real mystery here. If it's possible, I think I love you even more.

Also, I'm sure you saw the Diablo Cody shout out on Twitter the other day, but I was like, "Diablo and I have the same taste in Mommyblogs! Am witty/hilarious by proxy! Wheeee!"

lisa

but but what about Tom?

Heidi

I think I love you and your "mato-head" glasses.

Jill

This is the best installment yet. I am amazed at your post-pregnancy brain cells working so creatively.

Kari Weber

You put to... internets... the things that I think about all the time. I am constantly personifying things... and, well... you rock.

Brittany

BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

All hail the triumphant return of The Deodorant Wars! Wooooooo!

statia

That's minutes of my life I will never get back.

Katie

This was the BEST INSTALLMENT EVER.

"They're well past their expiration dates but it turns out once you anthropomorphize a bunch of deodorants for blogging purposes, it gets awful difficult to just toss them in the trash."

So damn funny. That's minutes I've my life I'm GLAD I will never get back.

Robyn

Brilliant!!

Tina

Thanks for the laugh!!!

Jessica

I love the deodorant wars! This was the best one yet.

Stacy

Sooooo relieved that I was not the only reader to think "Tom's!!" when I looked in the drawer.... *embarrassed giggle*

I love the deodorant wars :-)

Anne

Best yet!! I love it!

grammargeek

I love the black and white. And "Dovecakes"!

Robin

Slam DUNK!

Judy

Absolutely made my day! Your writing is spectacular--love the "Noir"--Garrison Keillor needs to hire you! :)

Carley

Awesome!

Keri

I didn't even realise I could miss deodorant wars until I noticed how giddy I was that they were back! I think this was definitely the best one yet! (And I'm thinking it was the younger sister trying to throw the detective off the case. She was insanely jealous of her older sister!) hehe

Blanche

What everyone else has already said...love it!!!

Colleen

LOL the best one yet!

Colleen

LOL the best one yet!

Colleen

LOL! Best one yet

Colleen

LOL! Best one yet

Della

Deodorant Wars is probably the biggest reason I started reading this blog.

Colleen's right: best one yet.

el-e-e

Never commented on these segments; never really liked them, to be honest, (read them anyway) but this one was brilliant, Amy. :) Excellent laugh during my workday, thank you!

Tiffany

Yep, this confirmed it. You are teh awesome.

Jessica

Thank goodness you published this. I just love a good crime story ;)

Txtingmrdarcy

Can we please get a crossover episode with the Isle of Sodor? Someone's just dying to be tied to the tracks. ;)

Kati

Brilliant! I should have done my thesis on this instead of theater for schools. And it's in a film noir style no-less! Love it.

agirlandaboy

SLAM DUNK!

-k-

Old School Amalah.. nice :)

Antonia

hahah! hilarious!!

Ashley

Yay!! It's baaaaaaack!

Valerie

This. Is amazing.

Valerie

This. Is amazing.

Valerie

This. Is amazing.

Starbuck

Brilliant!

Starbuck

Brilliant!

starrynite

Yay! I love Deodorant Wars. More please!

Zak

I die.

StatMom

Super LOLs! Perfectly done!

The comments to this entry are closed.