The Incredible True Adventures of the Wonnerpets in Poopland
Friday Coasting

The Deodorant Wars, Crime Noir Edition: The Devil Had Dry Armpits

(This entry is based on actual events.)

(I mean, kind of. I made up some parts up. See if you can guess which ones!) 

(Also, certain events have been recreated for photographic purposes.)

(I wore gloves. Ew.)

(Also also, if you have absolutely no idea what in sam blessed hill is going on here, allow me to direct you to the previous entries in the Deodorant Wars Saga [linked below], which goes further and further off the rails with each ridiculous installment.)

Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four

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The official cause of death? Accidental toilet drowning.  

"Some clumsy dumbass probably just knocked it off the bathroom counter and into the toilet with her elbow," the coroner said. "It's a real shame. By the looks of it she had a good 10, maybe even 20 clicks left in her."

I didn't think too much of it at first. Once you've been Dermatologist Tested and equipped with patented TRIsolidTM body responsive technology, you pretty much become numb to this sort of thing. I just show up to write the reports, file the paperwork. 

The name's Lieutenant Degree Men Clinical Protection. I'm a cop. Maybe there was a time when I was a good one. Maybe there will come a time when I'll be one again. Right now, most days, it's just too damn hot out there to care. 

The sweat stains are gonna win anyway, so why even try? 

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Her younger sister -- a sweet kid, smelled like cucumbers -- came to identify the body. And immediately started asking questions, poking around, sticking her lid where it had no business being. 

"This was no accident," she all but hollered. God, I hate when they make a scene. The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this. Them and the soaps are always getting mysteriously dropped in the shower and have been just itching to a reason to start a full-on riot over sink-side police coverups. 

"The angle, the trajectory," she went on, "It's all just too perfect. Who has that kind of aim with their elbow? Honestly. She was clearly pushed. On purpose."

"I loved my sister." Her voice was quieter now, thank goodness. "She was smart. Successful. Clinically proven."

"But she had...some enemies."

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She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that. 

She wasn't all aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex, though. Another look at her sister's lifeless body brought out her softer, moisturizing side.

"She always had prescription-strength wetness protection, but..."

She didn't need to say it. We were both thinking it. Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl.

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I needed to say something else, though, even if she didn't want to hear it. My own specially-formulated wetness protection didn't extend much further than the medicine cabinet, and if there was foul play going on here, the culprit probably didn't come from there.

No, I suspected this was the work of The Others. They'd once enjoyed a little taste of infamy and the good life -- something with the Internet, I didn't really understand any of it -- but have been banished to a bottom drawer for damn over two years now. They're well past their expiration dates but it turns out once you anthropomorphize a bunch of deodorants for blogging purposes, it gets awful difficult to just toss them in the trash. 

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They were a motley bunch, for sure. Shifty. Made the whole drawer smell overpoweringly like lavender-scented cool fresh baby powder mixed with the ambiguously named-by-marketing committee smells of Bella Bloom, Sexy Intrigue and Just Dance. 

You never forget that smell.

Yeah, I had my work cut out for me here, if I wanted to help this poor dame find out what happened to her sister. You can probably imagine my surprise when I realized that...I did. Want to help, that is. There was just something about her. Something about this case. It stunk, all right, just like that damned bottom drawer.

"Don't worry, Dovecakes," I told her. "I'll ask around. Just know that getting to the real truth in this town is..."

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"The pits."

(YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

Comments

Greg S.

Hooray! Deodorant Wars is back!

Barefoot Liz

That's hysterical! It also reminds me that I need to throw out all the almost empty deodorants in my medicine cabinet.
I'll think of you as I dispose of their bodies. I mean, dispose of the containers. heh.

Crazy Wienerdog Lady

I freakin' love you, that's all I can say.

Sara

You MUST pitch this (and the others) to some deoderant company. Hysterical. WOULD WIN BEST COMMERCIAL EVER!

The Mommy Therapy

I'm not even sure I know what to say.

It's this magical combination of strange, smart, funny, ridiculous, marvelous, cheesy, hysterical....anything able to have that many adjectives associated with it must work.

Fantastic.

The Mommy Therapy

I'm not even sure I know what to say.

It's this magical combination of strange, smart, funny, ridiculous, marvelous, cheesy, hysterical....anything able to have that many adjectives associated with it must work.

Fantastic.

Barb

Never was a fan of the deodorant wars. I've crossed over!! Best stinky post ever!

Amber

The person who suggested a crossover with Sodor: BRILLIANT!

Also, I have an old Tom's that I just feel badly for because of this series, even though it honestly doesn't work. I let my kids play with it. :-)

lizneust

Dear Lord, woman. That is hysterically funny and very, very well written.

BarbG

Well since I memorized the other deodorant wars entries word for word.... I mean, Bitch, please! I'm little black dress approved! Lol-- Amy, the only thing that"s more amazing in this entry is the fact that the language is clean enough for my tween an teen to read. You rock and they're going to laugh their heads off tomorrow at breakfast...

Tila

I really needed a laugh tonight! Thank You! My husband thinks I've lost my mind because I'm sitting at my desk giggling like a fool and all he can see are pictures of "pit stick". Your Blog makes me happy!! Keep writing!!!!

Leah

I have to go back and see what Liquid Rock did in earlier episodes, because that's the one I use. Sorry to see it malingering in that bottom drawer there, possibly getting into trouble (but not contributing to the smell, let's be fair).

oakley

Good article5688888

urban wear

Ohh! i also missed the deodorant saga. Saga produces all kinds of aerosol products, like deodorant.

Natalie

I love your blog.

Jen

When I saw the little (1) by your name in my reader, I was all,"Sweet! New Ike pictures!" But then I clicked through and saw Deoderant Wars. Yay!!! This day is gettin better and better and it's only 10am!

Jen

When I saw the little (1) by your name in my reader, I was all,"Sweet! New Ike pictures!" But then I clicked through and saw Deoderant Wars. Yay!!! This day is gettin better and better and it's only 10am!

jive turkey

I fucking love this really hard.

Marci

Oh my stars, that was HYSTERICAL. See how Tom is a little separate from the rest? He has something to hide.

steph

That was definitely the best one yet!! Thanks for the laugh, and the little bit of pee in my pants.

Nicole

Ha! Deodorant Wars return and bring the (sun)glasses of justice. Awesone!

Cindy B.

Delurking to say - that was the best thing I've read all day. OMG you're awesomely funny.

Loretta S.

So I think you need to take this to the next level. You've got to get someone to do a stop animation of this...and someone else to do the voiceovers. If this really works out for you...you could take over the Digital Shorts on SNL from Andy Samberg!

Kyla

Very funny.

KayTar and I were having a tickle fight the other night and she referred to her armpit as a restaurant called "The Pit" and asked me if I had reservations.

Kyla

Very funny.

KayTar and I were having a tickle fight the other night and she referred to her armpit as a restaurant called "The Pit" and asked me if I had reservations.

Terry

I've gotta quit reading your shit at work. Tears of laughter rolling down my face and I look up to see all of my co-workers staring at me! Thanks for making my Friday Amalah. :)

Stacey

OMG, I'm so glad they're back! Even if there was a murder.

Marianne

Hahahaha. I can't believe you consider this breathtaking dumbness. It's hilarity, I say!

Meredith

The best!

Rachael

I am finding such amusing and often entertaining blogs on Babble today. I really enjoyed this, you have given me quite a laugh!

oakley

Good article5688888

Rebekah

HAHAHAH - you are so funny and clever in your writing! I really admire that. :) Well done, I actually laughed out loud several times. I needed something to brighten my mood - thank you.

avishan

you. are. a. GENIUS.

heather morgan

i don't think george lucas has anything to worry about, but i'm hooked, because i too do not get out enough... more more more please!!

MOlly

looooooooooooove.

Jess

Love it!!

colette

poor baby....you haven't been getting enough sleep huh?

colette

poor baby....you haven't been getting enough sleep huh?

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