Kindergarten, Day One
Montessori Mayhem

Nothing Happened Today. Let Me Tell You Allllllll About It.

Roommates

I knew it was going to be One of Those Days when the baby woke up at 5 am. I need him to sleep until at least 5:30 am to avoid his second, for-real-and-serious waking two hours later happening smack-dab in the middle of my window to get Noah out of bed and dressed and eating breakfast. 

Now, I have never, ever been one to brag about my time management skills, because prior to having all these children I never HAD any time management skills. I was someone who routinely lied to her dayplanner to give herself an extra crucial 20 minutes of lead time for meetings and who, back when I had one teeny tiny solitary little baby, it once took over two hours to get to a Starbucks less than six blocks away. So while I don't know EXACTLY what it means that now my days are so hyper-regimented that I can basically predict that a day is completely fuxxored by 5:03 in the morning, but let's just call it "personal growth" and get on with things already. 

Anyway. 5 am. I nurse the baby and put him back down and briefly debate just staying up and showering and getting a head start on work and haaaaaaaaaaa as fucking if I totally go back to bed.

The morning went exactly as expected. Ike started howling for second breakfast the minute Jason got in the shower (WHATEVER, MR. FANCY WORKING IN AN OFFICE PANTS) and I was trying to get Noah's breakfast on the table, which I know, doesn't sound that hard, but considering Noah's breakfast consists of...

1) Dark blue bowl (NOT TURQUOISE) of dry Cheerios

2) Yellow spoon

3) Banana, peeled, on yellow plate

4) Waffle with honey, on any color plate because he's JUST SO SUPER FLEXIBLE 

5) Green fork

6) SpongeBob sippy cup of fruity milk (milk, plain yogurt, frozen fruit and vegetables, blended, mixed with a bunch of overpriced hippie herbal serums that are supposed to keep him calm, focused and from like, losing his shit over the wrong color spoon)

7) Trader Joe's multi-vitamin, please be a lion shape please be a lion shape oh it's a hippo EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE

...there's actually quite a prep work involved, and it takes him approximately two-and-a-half hours to eat all that. If I can get everything on the table by 7:30 am and keep him from launching into long-winded recaps of the Smurfs movie, he has 45 minutes before we have to leave for the bus stop.

Back upstairs, feed Ike. Check on Ezra, still asleep. Go downstairs, make coffee. Back upstairs, put on pants. Jason leaves, babysitter arrives, probably immediately finds seventeen things to silently judge me for but AT LEAST I AM WEARING PANTS. TODAY. THIS TIME. 

I put Noah's second-string lunch bag in his backpack and remind him to please please please check the lost-and-found for the one he lost yesterday, then head out to the bus stop with him, quietly panicking every few seconds because it's garbage pick-up day and EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. I hear the garbage truck somewhere in the neighborhood I think it's the school bus and that we are missing it.

We do not miss the bus, but right as it turns the corner into view, someone points out that Noah's backpack is leaking. I open it to discover that I didn't screw the top of his water bottle on correctly and the entire thing has flooded both his lunch box and backpack. I dump as much water out as I can into the grass and tell Noah his backpack will dry and luckily everything else in there was encased in plastic containers or laminated.

One of the fifth graders snottily informs me that "there are water fountains at our school, you know." I shoot them a look, because I am an asshole

Back home, upstairs. Ike is sleeping again. Advice column. Kind of a sad one. Require consolation nacho chips at 9:15 am. An interview with Carla Hall for Mamapop at 9:45, and probably the main reason I put on pants, because I think that kind of professionalism comes through over the phone. Approve mass of moderated comments at Amalah's West, attempt to get email under control and make sense of half-written notes I took during the call with Carla.

Babysitter and Ezra head out to the playground -- she asks if I want her to take Ike too, but oh, he's sleeping so nicely, we're fine, have fun, wear sunscreen, etc.

Front door closes, Ike wakes up. Okay. I type the rest of the interview one-handed while nursing. Then more nursing. Change his diaper. Put him down on the bed next to me for some song-singing and tummy-tickling and...

Oh. Time to wash the bedspread. And...the sheet. And the sheet under that. Probably the mattress pad too, just to be safe. And give the baby a bath. And never speak of that particular diaper again. 

Babysitter leaves.

Ezra goes down for a nap.

Ezra gets up from his nap.

Ezra goes down for a nap, DUDE, I MEAN IT.

Photo (73)

Realize there's a series of increasingly-annoyed voicemails on my phone from an appliance repairman who was supposed to come to look at our non-freezing freezer today but I forgot about it and didn't hear the phone and now he is leaving the neighborhood and we need to call to reschedule and why didn't he just knock on the damn door? Whatever, FLOUNCE CAT. And whatever, three-year-old malfunctioning WHIRLPOOL PIECE OF CRAP. 

Nurse. Sense that I have forgotten to do something, as usual.

Ike goes down for a nap. Oh my God, the impossible dream. Achieved in my lifetime and...

Ezra gets up from his nap.

I find myself explaining -- in great detail, too -- why we don't wipe our butts with paper towels. 

Ezra goes down for "I don't care what you do, but you will do it in your room, and you will do it QUIETLY."

The toilet gets a good plunging. 

Text Jason about the repairman snafu and that we will probably need to by a new bedspread, or else buy another decorative pillow that brings a delightful shade of mustard yellow into the room. Also we should probably not talk about the hallway bathroom for awhile.

Try to finish up assorted odds and ends, start this blog entry...and realize that hey. If I can wrap this up within the next 10 minutes before Noah comes home, I'll have gotten everything done after all! Unbelievable. See, self? This three-kids thing really isn't that bad, provided you have help when you need it and prioritize and don't let little things rattle you too badly. I mean, going back and re-reading this I'm actually not seeing anything that went too neglected or...oh. 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Hire part-time babysitting help. Then skip every last basic aspect of your personal hygiene, from showering to brushing your teeth, and eat nothing except a handful of nacho chips at 9:15 in the morning. You'll be fine.

EPILOGUE: OH MY GOD I AM SO HUNGRY.

Ike-8-29-11 Ike-8-19-11-2

And also you smell like poop, a little bit. 

Comments

Mary

Oh, this sounds so familiar! I only have 2 boys (ages two and six), but I'm a single mom and work full-time, and am raising them by myself.

It's just nonstop! I somehow manage to work my ass off 7 days a week, yet never seem to really accomplish anything. I mean, I guess I accomplish stuff, but there's not much evidence of any accomplishment other than the fact that my house and children stay relatively clean and we get where we need to go every day.

Hang in there! I hear it gets better, time passes quickly...something along those lines. I'm too tired to remember right now.

Bridget

Yikes. I have only 2 kids and this is ridiculously familiar. Every night I congratulate myself on the survival of everyone in the house.

michele

all in all not so bad at all, except now I'm wondering, did Ezra get any breakfast or lunch??

Angie @ Musings of a Violet Monkey

Oh, Amy. I relate. And I don't even have any kids of my own, yet. (I am, however, a full-time (and then some) Nanny for two children under the age of four. So my day is eerily similar - except I have to get up and leave my house by 7:15 am and don't get home until 6:45pm... and then deal with all of that stuff, inbetweenn. Funsies.

At least you make us laugh, right? Silver lining and all that. ;)

~

Amalah

@michele: Yes. Because I pay the babysitter money, and she keeps my middle child alive AND fed. Total bargain, if you ask me.

Tomorrow she isn't coming, though. Perhaps I should tell Ezra to hoard some snacks.

Peachy

I have 3: 9, 4, and 3. The little guy is autistic. If they're all alive at the end of the day (so far, so good), everyone ate something that was an actual food product (or at least claimed to be on the label) at some point, and nothing valuable (read: living creatures and/or the objects they totally fixate on) got broken beyond repair, I did it right. You're awesome :)

Erika Mitchell

Yikes! That sounds exhausting. Also messy.

Reading (and chickens)

I know this is going to sound exceedingly strange, but I think you kind of just described my perfect day (minus the water bottle spill and the rude 5th grader).

Reading (and chickens)

I know this is going to sound exceedingly strange, but I think you kind of just described my perfect day (minus the water bottle spill and the rude 5th grader).

allison

Hysterical!

allison

Hysterical!

Jessica

Thank you! I also accomplished "nothing" today and it's nice to be reminded how much is actually done, even if it doesn't count as "something."

Leeann

Hey, you're in good company with the thermos fail. My oldest child is freaking 16 so you'd think I'd have it by now. Clearly not. Fourth grader came home and his thermos had leaked All. The. Milk. The good news is that I now Assume Failure and so I send all thermoses in ziplock bags. So yeah he couldn't drink it but at least it stayed contained. Btw, I learned to do this when I had a chocolate milk fail AND a strawberry lemonade fail all in the same year. Yeah, I'm a winner!

Bessa

How have I been missing out on Amalah's West? Love it.

The Mommy Therapy

This is one of the reasons why I love you. Hysterical post about a normal day.

My child has to catch the bus at 7:00. Wow.

I love that moment when the baby wakes you up really early, but a time when some people do actually get up, and for a moment you think you could be one of the productive...but no.

I will never understand why repairmen don't just at least try to knock. That's almost as annoying as your freezer not freezing to begin with.

The Mommy Therapy

This is one of the reasons why I love you. Hysterical post about a normal day.

My child has to catch the bus at 7:00. Wow.

I love that moment when the baby wakes you up really early, but a time when some people do actually get up, and for a moment you think you could be one of the productive...but no.

I will never understand why repairmen don't just at least try to knock. That's almost as annoying as your freezer not freezing to begin with.

The Mommy Therapy

This is one of the reasons why I love you. Hysterical post about a normal day.

My child has to catch the bus at 7:00. Wow.

I love that moment when the baby wakes you up really early, but a time when some people do actually get up, and for a moment you think you could be one of the productive...but no.

I will never understand why repairmen don't just at least try to knock. That's almost as annoying as your freezer not freezing to begin with.

Jill (mrschaos)

OMG YES.
And that very last sentence made me snort laugh. I'm not proud of it.

Marcy

I think this needs to be marketed as a diet plan! Have three kids and you'll hardly ever eat!

Marcy

Also, I'm jealous that you have a babysitter! My husband & I work opposite shifts so someone is always home with the 3 yr. old, 2 yr. old and 5 mo. old. It's pretty much like being a single parent. I'd love a hour break in the evening : )

Alison

I shoot them a look, because I am an asshole. LMAO!

Brie

I laughed so hard I cried, because this is SO TRUE.

And I only have two.

Thanks as always for bringing the funny.

Caro

If you ever have that kind of thoughts coming to your mind nursing the baby at 5 a.m. (should I get up, take a shower while everyone else is still asleep...?), DON'T listen to your inner tired voice, DON'T go back to bed! Because... you know. So true. Love your post!

Eden

i only have one, so i cant relate(even though he manages to make my head spin just as fast). BUT, your kids look beautifully happy! keep up the great work mama!!!

sheilah

My mother had 3 children under age 4 and started having problems with her teeth. The first dentist she went to blamed it on 3-children-under-age-4 syndrome - he was wrong and the 2nd dentist found her severe gum problems.

Hang in there...

sheilah

I hit post too soon...I was gonna say that they are all still alive...you may be smelly and dirty but, still alive.

That is a win.

sheilah

I hit post too soon...I was gonna say that they are all still alive...you may be smelly and dirty but, still alive.

That is a win.

xtina

Ahhh, my favorite blog just linked to my completely unrelated second favorite blog. Internet wormhole of doom!!!!!! (CF4L)....P.S. you get 1st place for the completely nomable babeez.

SarahB

Hmm...I am going to read your starbucks post as, on day four of "home with three week old baby by myself," I suspect you will be describing my life.

Right, my to do list for each day is 1) feed and tend to baby, 2) feed self (as necessary to keep feeding ravenous baby), 3) bonus anything much else.

Amy in StL

I noticed in the last week or so that Alphamom is blocked by our websense program at work. No idea why it's suddenly a malicious site - as websense claims - but it sucks. Now I actually have to surf the web in the evenings too. Boo.

Deb Vallet

Boy, your kids are cute. That is all.

functional art

Just a short note because I'm in the middle of scrambling to survive myself. But throwing your comforter outside to sit in the sun for a while might help those...organic stains to fade. Can't hurt.

ladotyk

Your chaos made my day! Please save this and and show your kids someday when they complain about being busy. Or maybe even when they complain about being bored.

Becca

I am new to this sah-parenting gig...I loved this, sounds much like many of my recent days, except I only have 2. But oh! Two! Much harder than one. Between changing diaper blowouts and encouraging the big sister to use GENTLE HANDS, we are slowly, SLOWLY getting the hang of this. Anywho, you crack me up, so thanks!

Nan

You are an awesome Mom! I love this story! Keep up the good work!

evan

thank you for this. i have 6wk, 23 month & 5yr old girls. i am also typing with one hand. i try to work from home too and you pretty much re-caped my last 6weeks! nice to know i'm not alone or crazy!

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