This Mortal Coil
That's My Boy

ANGRY BIRD

As of this morning, we were all just about fully recovered from Thursday night's excitement, AKA The Night I Panicked, Ran Into a Wall, Landed Butt-First In Dog Food, Narrowly Avoided Burning the House Down But Thoroughly Traumatized My Children Anyway. Jason and I replaced the fried oven coil over the weekend and scrubbed and re-scrubbed fire extinguisher residue off a truly mind-blowing number of surfaces and kitchen items. 

The one thing we HADN'T done, however, was actually turn the oven on. That was like, Advanced Placement PTSD level shit there, and every time I thought about it I decided that I could totally cook healthy meals for my family in the microwave. Or by shoving pizza slices into the toaster. 

I finally caved this morning and turned the oven on so I could bake a loaf of bread. (Because apparently I now BAKE BREAD. This just happened, you guys. I've even gone and acquired an attitude about bread machines, preferring to bake bread the frustrating, old-fashioned way. What the fuck kind of prairie-ass nonsense is this, I ask you?)

Anyway! I preheated the oven and everything seemed to be pretty okay in there, at least in the "Is There A Pyrotechnic Display Currently Happening Inside Your Stove Y/N" department, so I stuck the bread in and turned my attention back to making coffee. 

"HEY LOOK FIRE!" Ezra observed casually, like the old seasoned pro he now apparently is.

Indeed, the oven was smoking. There was a terrible smell. And I discovered that for all our cleaning and scrubbing, there still seemed to be some extinguisher residue on the oven door. I removed our now-probably-50%-toxic loaf of sandwich bread and took immediate action, as I am now truly a mature, capable woman with excellent life skills. 

(Translation: I called Jason and asked him what in the what fuck I was supposed to do now.)

It turned out Jason hadn't run the self-clean cycle on the oven, as we were instructed to do on some random, badly-written eHow article about What To Do When You've Gone And Probably Unecessarily Shot A Fire Extinguisher Into Your Fucking Oven. I thought he had, but apparently HIS Oven Fire PTSD had made him too afraid to try it unless he had four-and-a-half hours of free time he could spend staring directly at the oven. 

Bitch, please. I gots four-and-a-half hours. I hit the self-clean button and opened the doors and windows to let the chemical-y smelling smoke out. 

It turns out, though, that staring directly at an oven is kind of boring. So after the kids went to school I eventually wandered off to take a shower.

When I came back into the kitchen for a coffee refill, I was confronted with this:

Bird-on-the-counter

Ceiba had apparently hurled her fool self at the back screen door and knocked it wide open. And a bird flew in. And...yes. There was now a bird in my house.

Bird-on-the-micro

My first instinct was -- yes, okay -- to run for the camera to take pictures because otherwise who would BELIEVE THIS SHIT? I certainly wouldn't believe this shit. Hell, I was standing there slack-jawed and frozen a few feet away from the bird and still couldn't believe this shit. My luck is a small flappy bird, your argument is invalid.  

I snapped a couple pictures and then we stared at each other for a minute or two. Then it decided to flip the fuck out and take off for the living room. I shrieked and ducked, even though it was flying in the opposite direction of where I was standing. 

Picture 23

Indeed, Internet. NOW WHAT.

Bird-on-curtain-rod1

Cecily told me to get a broom and guide it out an open door, and several other people recommended various traps involving towels and hampers and board game lids. 

I went with the broom option and approached the bird with confidence.

Picture 31

The dumb thing took off again, through the dining room where it flew facefirst into a mirror, then fluttered around making an incredible amount of racket and I shrieked and ducked again and GAH STUPID AWFUL NATURE. 

Finally I went around opening all the windows and doors, attracting the attention of a landscaping crew right outside the front of the house, who all paused to watch the crazy woman in boxer shorts and a Les Miserables shirt from 1994 opening windows and screens while occasionally ducking and yelping for no apparent reason. 

Then I went upstairs and closed the door. The bird was officially on its own to figure its own stupid shit out. 

763441758_1276068

(Post-production re-enactment of presumed single glitter tear shed by bird in my absence.)

Every 15 minutes or so, I crept downstairs to check on the situation. I did wonder what I would do if the bird seemed to be gone, but without actually witnessing it making it out a door or window, would I feel okay closing everything up? What if it was just hiding? Or down in the basement, partying with the hypothetical snake? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, WILDLIFE. I HATE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW.

I needn't have worried, because every time I made it downstairs I immediately spotted the bird, usually:

1) hanging out on the pot rack, directly next to a wide-open window

2) perched on a lamp, directly next to the wide-open back door

3) back on the stupid curtain rod which was LITERALLY FOUR INCHES FROM FREEDOM.

I basically spent over half of my morning being held hostage in my bedroom by the world's most mentally-challenged bird. 

After an hour or more of this nonsense, I got fed up and marched downstairs, picked up the broom and stared down the bird directly. It was back on the pot rack. I lifted the broom to shoo it away but couldn't stop visualizing it taking off in a panic and dive-bombing directly at my head. 

I don't know how long I stood there, trying to talk myself out of my irrational fear of this small, frightened creature, only to get a good look at its claws -- its horrible scaly chicken-claws -- and a new shudder of terror would rack through my system and I'd freeze up again. 

It moved first. Downward, onto an Ikea island...

where I had put my plastic-wrapped loaf of still-uncooked, toiled-over bread...

that the bird was now landing directly on...

OH HELL NO YOU DIDN'T YOU GODDAMN FEATHERED VERMIN GET OFF MAH BREAD

This was apparently my breaking point. YOU MESS WITH THE BREAD, YOU GET THE BROOM. I shouted at the bird and charged at it with the broom. It instantly took off and flew to the other side of the kitchen and out the back door. It collided with the open screen on the way, but then it was gone. 

I dropped the broom like a mic and slammed the door shut. This was my house. MY HOUSE. I was in charge. I was capable. I was a motherfucking ADULT. 

EPILOGUE #1: And then the pediatrician's office called to find out why Noah and I hadn't shown up for his 6-year physical this morning. 

EPILOGUE #2: And then I gave up and ate some cookies.

Comments

Jenn

Dude, I would be keeping everything closed up tightly in case you end up with a squirrel or a raccoon in the house next.

Olivia

If nothing else your adventures with wildlife are much more interesting than mine. I spent Sunday afternoon cleaning the pantry and all the kitchen cabinets to try to get rid of some Confused Flour Beatles (yes that is their name). Fuckers got into a box of dog biscuits and were slowly migrating to all points of the house.

Diane

SINGLE GLITTER TEAR.

You win everything.

Diane

SINGLE GLITTER TEAR.

You win everything.

Jaime

So really all I got from this was a question about bread.
Do you have a recipe you love? I have some I like, and some that take ridiculous amounts of effort and rising and waiting and sour-doughing. I caved on the bread machine, though. Mostly because my wrists are jacked the fuck up from knitting and I can't knead without cringing and possibly shedding my own glitter tear or two. Also, I ruined my kitchen-aid by using it to knead the bread. Apparently my dough was just too tough.
And I really, really miss my kitchen aid. Am now reduced to a 15-year-old hand mixer that may or may not be possessed.

Carmen

You cannot make up SH*T like this. To FUNNY only because it wasn't happening to me.

Julie Marsh

Apparently even the pictures weren't quite enough for my middle child to believe this shit, because she looked at the bird photo and then looked at me and went, "SRSLY?!"

Kid's been faked out by too many Photoshop jobs, I guess.

Nancy Gould

hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! thanks for the laughs. between the bird and the oven fire...flippin' hysterical. traumatic for you, yes. entertaining for us? absolutely.

and the pediatrician appt was the kicker.

Amalah

@Olivia: WE HAD CONFUSED FLOUR BEETLES ONCE TOO!

http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2005/07/me__the_weevils.html

http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2005/07/in_case_anyone_.html

@Jaime: I like this recipe, but I do the initial kneading in my (sorry!) KitchenAid with the bread hook. Just until the dry ingredients pull away from the side, then I knead a couple times by hand. Dump in bowl, let rise for an hour. Shape in pan, let rise again. Then bake, provided YOUR OVEN IS NOT ON FIRE.

http://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/100-whole-wheat-sandwich-bread-recipe

kristen

I kept getting Buster in Arrested Development flashbacks as I read the tweets earlier. "IT WALKED ON MY PILLOW!"

Amalah

(Oh, and because I'm OCD about recipe tweaks -- I replace the sugar in that one with honey. I think the dough comes out too dense and cake-y with sugar.)

sweetney

You need a vacation. A BEACH VACATION.

Kristin

In high school I worked at a T-shirt shop (tourist town) and one day a BAT flew in the front door. My co-worker just shrugged and handed me the phone to call "the bat lady down the street." No joke.

Maria

This is 100% as good a wildlife story I've heard in some time, including the time a bat (eek!) squeezed it's tiny gross body through the vent in our A/C window unit in the middle of the night, flapped violently past my head and proceeded to circle my room. The room with my new infant son sleeping peacefully. Needless to say, holy crap. Glad the bird got out. I love nature, but it needs to stay outside.

Bridget

So...this is awesome. Especially because I totally identify with this story. When I was in college we got a bat stuck in our apartment. And because we were brilliant we called the cops. Like the bat was B&E or something. And it turns out that the cops? Not much more useful than a couple of girls screaming and ducking.

Heather

This post totally made my day! I heart how you share so many details of your hilarious daily adventures....

Candace

"I dropped the broom like a mic"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA omg I'm going to kill myself crying.

*m*

I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that the fumes from self-cleaning ovens are deadly to birds. So if this were to happen again, I suppose you could lock the place up tight and let nature take its course.

(My apologies to the bird-lovers out there. But they FREAK ME OUT. Especially inside. NO.)

Hillary M

I just cried I laughed so hard. I have to say, you are far braver than I.

Felicity

After reading this, one thing is clear: my life is so boring. Though my mom once had a bat -- A BAT -- terrorize her.

Brilliant storytelling.

Felicity

After reading this, one thing is clear: my life is so boring. Though my mom once had a bat -- A BAT -- terrorize her.

Brilliant storytelling and very brave picture-taking.

Olivia

Oh yeah, I had forgotten about your weevil incident, Amalah. We first got them about 3 yrs ago (when I was heavily pregnant) so at least the food was safe this time. But seriously, nature can kiss my ass right now. Flour beetles, mosquitoes, spiders, fruit flies....WTF? It's October!

Stacy

Please send the Carolina Wren this way. I have 7 birdfeeders and I can't get any of the birds to come close to me. However, I probably would not want one in my house either.

rkmama

I realize this is completely selfish but could you maybe just throw up a dozen or so webcams around your house? I'm a little bored with TV lately and your life would make a great sitcom :).

Nothing But Bonfires

Oh god. Once, a very long time ago, when I was at boarding school in England, I went innocently down to breakfast in the morning and came back up afterwards to find A PIGEON IN MY ROOM. And it wasn't just in my room, it was IN MY CLOSET. Yes, I opened up my closet (probably to get out my plaid shirt and my Doc Martens; it was the 90s) and A PIGEON FLEW OUT AT ME. IMAGINE THE HORROR. I screamed and flapped and most likely rolled up a Pearl Jam poster (again: the 90s) to chase it away, but actually I couldn't tell you for sure what I did, because I think I have at last successfully blocked it out. THE TRAUMA!

Caroline

How the hell does this stuff happen to you??? **wipes tears of laughter**

Caroline

How the hell does this stuff happen to you??? **wipes tears of laughter**

Babs

Finally, someone who understands my issues with bird-feet.

I'm such the accidental hippy, but there will never be a backyard chicken coop. EVER.

Babs

Finally, someone who understands my issues with bird-feet.

I'm such the accidental hippy, but there will never be a backyard chicken coop. EVER.

Babs

Finally, someone who understands my issues with bird-feet.

I'm such the accidental hippy, but there will never be a backyard chicken coop. EVER.

Susan

Reminds me of my best wildlife in the house story...

Last year I was sitting in my family room, probably on my computer or something else intellectually stimulating. A mouse runs across the floor in front of me, followed by my two cats. The mouse gets away and hides, only to pop out shortly afterwards, hide again,etc. It does this a few times. Finally it runs out again, followed by my cats. The mouse runs into my sneaker and UP THE INSIDE OF MY PANTS LEG. YES - IT WAS ON MY LEG, INSIDE MY PANTS, RIGHT AT KNEE LEVEL. At this point I calmly start screaming (at nobody), "THERE'S A MOUSE UP MY PANTS! THERE'S A MOUSE UP MY PANTS!". I don't know where my mind was at, but I leaned over and grabbed the bottom of my pants, folding over so that the mouse couldn't escape. I limped, hunched over, to my front door, holding the pants closed, still screaming. I manage to get the front door open, let the pants go, the mouse drops out, pauses...and runs into the night.

Since then I've seen two mice in my house. Luckily, none have been up my pants since then.

Next time I will tell the story of the lizard I lost when I was trying to get it outside...

Angie @ Musings of a Violet Monkey

I would have freaked the fuck out, as well. Saw the tweets and wondered how it (or IF it) ended.
You are the bestest storyteller in all the lands. :)

Thanks to @Jaime for asking about the bread recipe, as I was going to do the same thing. I baked bread on the weekend for the first time in long time, and *almost* used the KA recipe, but went with the Deliciously Organic recipe instead. It wasn't great. Will try yours now! :)

I have an attitude about bread machines, too. Accidental hippy thy name is Angie.

~

Amy in StL

I used to get birds in my house in Iowa - they came from the basement somewhere... I think. Anyway, I always got them to leave by trapping them in the living room/dining room and then closing all the curtains and leaving the front door open with the porch light on. Worked every time... even if it was a little stuffy in summer.

eden

this is the shit they don't tell you about when you decide to work from home. lmao! ......("what did you get done today hun?!")

eden

this is the shit they don't tell you about when you decide to work from home. lmao! ......("what did you get done today hun?!")

Susan

An oven that spontaneously combusts, homemade bread AND a bird squatter all in the same week? Bloggers everywhere are green with envy.

Broad

I am sitting at my desk at my office right now laughing hysterically - mascara pouring down my cheeks, gasping for air. No one else understands why I am in hysterics, and I can't share, because, well, I'm at work.

That was a wonderfully written sequel to the last hysterical post. Sorry for your bad luck, but thanks for the excellent reads!!!

MKP

BAHAHAHAHA OMG I just startled a whole batch of Starbuckian laptoppers by cackling at this. I want "SOON" to be the prank desktop wallpaper I set on my not-boyfriend's computer next time I'm near it unattended. Omg. Hilarious. I hope you explained to the pediatrician that your bird overlord refused to sanction your departing with Noah as scheduled.

MKP

BAHAHAHAHA OMG I just startled a whole batch of Starbuckian laptoppers by cackling at this. I want "SOON" to be the prank desktop wallpaper I set on my not-boyfriend's computer next time I'm near it unattended. Omg. Hilarious. I hope you explained to the pediatrician that your bird overlord refused to sanction your departing with Noah as scheduled.

Kimm

Birds are so scary! You were brave. I had to catch a hurt bird in my hallway- it later died in the open dog crate I had set outside at the edge of the garage. Poor thing but birds creep me out. 4 dogs and they can't at least kill it dead, just enjoy maiming things, also I have had to chase frogs with legs missing around the living room, ugh. They are pretty lively even with missing legs.

Kimm

Birds are so scary! You were brave. I had to catch a hurt bird in my hallway- it later died in the open dog crate I had set outside at the edge of the garage. Poor thing but birds creep me out. 4 dogs and they can't at least kill it dead, just enjoy maiming things, also I have had to chase frogs with legs missing around the living room, ugh. They are pretty lively even with missing legs.

Lindsay

Seriously. This shit ONLY happens to bloggers.

Lindsay

Seriously. This shit ONLY happens to bloggers.

Jen

Your life is awesome.

Jen

Your life is awesome.

Della

The best part about this is it happening on top of the oven debacle. The most exciting part of my weekend was when it stopped raining enough for me to carry drywall out to the driveway for bulk pickup yesterday. And my barely-2yo hiding a toy where the 3yo couldn't reach across a baby gate, and shouting maniacally "MMUUUAHAHAHAHA, NO BALL FOR JOSSIN!" so I heard it at the other end of the house (seriously, she said it just like that) and her other frequent theme shout "I'm TRAPPED! Get me out [of] here!"

I think mine is better just because it doesn't involve fire or vermin, although it did involve screaming, crying, running around in a semi-panic, and all those other things you had.

I hope you threw the toxic bread out into the birdfeeder.

CS

Oh, so hilarious! Great story. You're such an awesome writer.

Joanna

Call me crazy and I hope this isn't inappropriate. I'm not really all that hippy-dippy, but I really believe in these things.

Did it occur to you that maybe the bird wasn't actually a regular old wren at all, but your daddy just checking in on you, letting you know he's looking out for you and making sure you're doing okay? I believe in signs like that (especially in the form of birds) and I don't think that was merely a coincidence. :)

Brent

When I was growing up, I used to have to mow the lawn. There was a blue jay nest in one of the trees, and as I would circle the lawn on the riding lawn mower, the blue jay would circle and dive bomb me repeatedly. My parents thought I was crazy, because it never attacked my dad.

Since the best defense is a good offense, I thought I'd just get rid of the bird. I decided it was a good idea to use my little sister as bait, by puttng her on the mower with a bucket on her head (the bird tended to aim for the head when dive bombing) while I attempted to shoot the bird with a slingshot. Mom wasn't too happy that I was shooting the slingshot in the general direction of my sister's head.

Plan B was to put on my dad's motorcycle helmet, grab a badminton racquet, and swing like crazy while trying not to run into anything.

That bird (or its descendents) is still there today.

g.schneider

Okay, instead of the bird on my curtain rod insert a 6 foot long black snake. Yeah. That happened. My husband casually called me at work one day to inform me he had caught a glimpse of the curtains shifting out of the corner of his eye and immediatly turned his head to yell at the cat. Except the cat wasn't there. But a snake was dangling off the rod. He grabbed it with his bare hands and a towel and snapped its neck.

Wombat Central

I thought those little bastages in my awning were bad enough, but the kitchen?! On your BREAD?

You showed that little peeper. Go on, girl!

Erika Mitchell

That's right, lady! You show that ballsy sack of feathers who's boss! Make him eat bristles as you show his pointy little butt the door.

Mary

omg i just laughed till I cried. I needed that today, thanks!

Cath @ 7 Million Wonders

This is because of that picture of the drumstick in Ezra's play kitchen that you posted last week. This bird is here to avenge his plush brethren.

maggie

Oh, you city folk! Nothin' but a harmless ol' tweet bird that got himself all confused!
Seriously, I laughed so hard I peed.
Thank you.

Melissa

Your life is like an episode of "Modern Family." (I mean that in a good way.)

Dawn

"YOU MESS WITH THE BREAD, YOU GET THE BROOM."

Mwa ha ha! That's the rule in my house, too.

At least your bird got free.

On my 39th birthday, we heard a noise in the chimney. Sounded like a bird scratching around and sure enough, when I held a mirror under the chimney there was the biggest mofo of a starling I had ever seen perched on the flue. Dumb ass had fallen down the chimney and, of course, couldn't fly out again. We tried everything to get rid of it. Called chimney sweeps, animal control... no one could guarantee getting it out without maiming the bird or preventing it from flapping around my living room wiping soot all over everything. The only solution? Let it starve to death, after which it would fall out into the fireplace. Let. It. Starve. To. Death. Now I love me some little furry (or feathered) animals, so this was one of the worst things I've ever had to do in my life.

And to add to the fun, my birthday is Dec 23, so we had a bird squawking and starving to death in the chimney over Christmas. Yeah. Fun times.

erin

1. You are flipping nuts.
2. I love you.
3. Take the rest of the week off cause it's pretty hard to improve upon a bird crying a glitter tear in your darn kitchen.

erin

1. You are flipping nuts.
2. I love you.
3. Take the rest of the week off cause it's pretty hard to improve upon a bird crying a glitter tear in your darn kitchen.

Jessica

I feel like this should have ended "tune in next week for more Adventures with Amalah!"

mark @ yelling near you

I saw this documentary once called The Birds by Albert Hitchcock or something and it was all about how evil birds are. Watch out, cuz they like to bring their friends back for the next round. Amalah 1 Birds 0

beegirl

I may have to stop reading for a while because last night I had a dream that my oven caught fire because I left my prefold diapers in there somehow! Thanks Amalah! Now time for the bird nightmares!

Margie

A certain person I live with who shall remain nameless has a slight mistrust of birds as well (he had a rooster incident when he was young, so it's understandable, but HILARIOUS, because he's not really scared of anything else). We have had a couple of birds brought in by our stupid cat (still perfectly alive and only slightly wounded, but doomed from her poisonous cat saliva of death), and all I can do is laugh hysterically as we try to deal with the situation and he shrieks and I try to help, but it's hard when I'm doubled over with the most serious case of the giggles ever. Glad you can say you won this time!

Bridges

I love you. So, so much.

Bridges

I love you. So, so much.

Ashley

Ooh, I had a bird fly into my house once. I trapped it in the bathroom and waited until it got dark (because it took that long to formulate a plan), then turned off all the lights in the house except the front porch light, opened the front door wide, and released the bird. It worked like a charm, thank God.

Ladotyk

@Kristen, my thoughts exactly!

"Mother, it's a bird!"
"I know it's a bird; I'm on the phone."
"It walked on my pillow!!!"

Whozat

I'm sitting here with my couple-of-weeks-younger-than-Ezra daughter in my lap, cracking up, and then trying to explain to her "What's funny?"

"See the picture? That lady has a bird in her house!"

"What's funny?"

"It's on the microwave!"

"What's funny?"

"Nevermind"

....

HAHAHAHA!

"What's funny?"

"This other lady had a mouse in her pants!"

"A mouse in her pants? What's funny?"

Nevermind.

Whozat

I'm sitting here with my couple-of-weeks-younger-than-Ezra daughter in my lap, cracking up, and then trying to explain to her "What's funny?"

"See the picture? That lady has a bird in her house!"

"What's funny?"

"It's on the microwave!"

"What's funny?"

"Nevermind"

....

HAHAHAHA!

"What's funny?"

"This other lady had a mouse in her pants!"

"A mouse in her pants? What's funny?"

Nevermind.

Stevie

I... I just...

I just love the stuffings out of you. That is all.

You have absolutely made my morning. :-D

Denise

This happened to me once, except it DID make it down into my basement, and I was two weeks away from delivering my daughter. I was a nine-months-pg-broom-weilding ninja. Fun times.

BTW, your little visitor appears to be a wren. They are sweet looking, but territorial as hell. I had one in my back yard last summer while I was quietly reading and minding my own business. It would perch nearby, chirp loudly, and when that didn't get the results it wanted, it would hop closer and chirp a little louder. This bitching went on for an hour before it went to the other side of the lawn. I had to pee really bad, but I wasn't moving just because a goddamn little bird told me to.

Aaaaand, this qualifies as the weirdest post I've ever left anywhere.

Denise

This happened to me once, except it DID make it down into my basement, and I was two weeks away from delivering my daughter. I was a nine-months-pg-broom-weilding ninja. Fun times.

BTW, your little visitor appears to be a wren. They are sweet looking, but territorial as hell. I had one in my back yard last summer while I was quietly reading and minding my own business. It would perch nearby, chirp loudly, and when that didn't get the results it wanted, it would hop closer and chirp a little louder. This bitching went on for an hour before it went to the other side of the lawn. I had to pee really bad, but I wasn't moving just because a goddamn little bird told me to.

Aaaaand, this qualifies as the weirdest post I've ever left anywhere.

Denise

This happened to me once, except it DID make it down into my basement, and I was two weeks away from delivering my daughter. I was a nine-months-pg-broom-weilding ninja. Fun times.

BTW, your little visitor appears to be a wren. They are sweet looking, but territorial as hell. I had one in my back yard last summer while I was quietly reading and minding my own business. It would perch nearby, chirp loudly, and when that didn't get the results it wanted, it would hop closer and chirp a little louder. This bitching went on for an hour before it went to the other side of the lawn. I had to pee really bad, but I wasn't moving just because a goddamn little bird told me to.

Aaaaand, this qualifies as the weirdest post I've ever left anywhere.

Donna P

Don't you have a cat? Where was the cat during all this?

talix18

OY with the birds. I have a woodstove that no fewer than three birds found their way into. The sound of rustling in the stove struck fear into my heart. After the first time, I knew they would fly toward the light (which in my poorly-lit house was the open window [out of which I'd thought to pop the screen] or back door).

But then there was that one time that the bird got stuck in the chimney. That time, I managed to find the people who'd lived in my house before me (they live at the end of the street)(Yes, I went out into the street looking for help). They came over with their young son and a couple of his strong friends, MOVED THE STOVE AWAY FROM THE CHIMNEY, freed the bird, helped herd the bird out of the house, and cleaned up the mess.

Then my next-door neighbor built a screen around the top of my chimney. I love my neighbor.

Jaime

Thanks for the recipe link! I may have to try it - it looks simple enough.
Also, I appreciate the ocd recipe stuff. I like to know precise steps and changes and whatnot.
Also again - when I was a teenager my parents had 5 separate giant black snakes in their house at the same time. One was in the laundry closet on top of the hamper and reared back when I unknowingly opened the door.
FREAKED ME OUT.
They found that one in my dad's boot later.

Jaime

Thanks for the recipe link! I may have to try it - it looks simple enough.
Also, I appreciate the ocd recipe stuff. I like to know precise steps and changes and whatnot.
Also again - when I was a teenager my parents had 5 separate giant black snakes in their house at the same time. One was in the laundry closet on top of the hamper and reared back when I unknowingly opened the door.
FREAKED ME OUT.
They found that one in my dad's boot later.

Rebekah

Sounds like you deserved the cookies after these past days' events! I would love - LOVE - to see Allie from the blog "Hyberbole and a Half" illustrate your past few days... I don't know if you know her stuff, but that is how I picture you in these stories so I'm dying laughing! Thank you so much for sharing - please keep writing - you're great!

csw

This reminds me of another bird/wildlife encounter my sister had that I really think you'd appreciate. It's three parts but here is the first part: http://goodenoughtoread.com/?p=828

Janessa

I once had a bat fly into my house. I hid under a blanket screaming for my husband to catch it with a pillowcase or shoo it outside. The bat eventually flew outside. Holy crap!

Debbie

Dude. Post a Depends alert, next time, before I pee in my good yoga pants laughing!

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