Double Indignity
In Absentia

Let's Go To The Zoo, Part Four

I believe I have made my feelings about the zoo known already. Several times, in fact. Wait, here's one more

So going to the zoo yesterday was the very definition of insanity, or completely understandable because my in-laws were visiting and getting out of the house is unbelievably critical because otherwise we all sit around while my mother-in-law helpfully folds my underwear in the living room and my father-in-law watches his laptop defrag for a couple hours. Not this time, I decided. So help me God, we will go to the fucking zoo and like it





Noah and Ezra, to their credit, had less than zero interest in those dumb overrated pandas anyway. They wanted snakes. Lots of snakes. Are we at the snakes yet? Yeah, elephants, okay, whatever, OH DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE US TO THE SNAKES.

Amy: If I'd known they were that into snakes we coulda just stayed home and sent 'em into the basement with a shovel and some flashlights.

Jason: A...shovel? 

Amy: I don't know. It just sounded right. Wiffle bats, maybe?

We spent a long, long time in the reptile house, pointing uselessly at windows.




Okay, that's more like it.


That's...probably actually a stick. Good pointing, though! 


And that's...locked, right? Seriously, I would not put anything past this one. 

It's hilarious, of course, that I have boys who love snakes and lizards and other scaly weird things. A love that has obviously developed entirely independent of me. Because no. Not really a fan. I spent about 15 minutes trying to get them to even look at a freaking lemur later in the day (IT'S SO FLUFFEEEEE), but no. If it wasn't a giant ass snake, it had to at least have giant ass teeth for it even register on their interest radar.  

But I do a good job around them of swallowing my general terror of...well, ALL OF IT.



IMG_4374 IMG_4375

Ezra was not afraid of any of the snakes or lizards or other assorted helldemons in the reptile house, but was kind of freaked out by the monkeys. Especially once the orangutan went all King Kong across the famous O Line. 



(Note that a zoo employee will guard the sidewalk underneath and warn you that yes, people totally do get pooped on, so best wait until he's across to keep walking.)

Ezra liked this fascinating exhibit about plastic trash cans much better. 




Ike woke up some time around the tigers and remained unimpressed with everything except boobs and also boobs. 

(And before anyone has to even ask, shout-out to Red Charlotte on Etsy for the Ergo sucking/drool pads that Ike is quietly, discreetly slimeing on in this photo. I also highly recommend her Stuff Sacks for keeping your baby carriers from taking over your house and life with their octopi-like strappiness. Mine matches my drool pads, because OF COURSE IT DOES.) 

After the snakes, Noah requested dinosaurs. Um. Well, honey, the thing is...


Aha! Wot's this?




And for once, zoo did not disappoint. At all. 



The last time we went to the zoo (first time with J), he was also WAAAAY into the snakes and reptiles. We also went into the monkey house, where we saw one the apes poop into its own hand and eat it, and another one--purposefully, I think--throw up and then eat it. Needless to say, whenever we ask J about the zoo, his response is "Monkey POOP!"

mark @ yelling near you

Sweet dinosaur bones! The DC zoo has totally upped its game with the bucket exhibit since I was there last (a long time ago). Will make a point to see it next time.


I simply adore your zoo posts. They are the yang to our animal yin over here. The house with cats, a dog, fish, tarantulas and geckos. Last week, I almost snagged a free turtle, but someone beat me to it.

Yes, the husband is not amused. AT ALL. Particularly since where he comes from, geckos are akin to household pests, like mice. However, he is bound to me by the laws of New Hampshire (and our bedroom.)


That last photo is just EPIC. I can't wait to show my (dinosaur-OBSESSED) Boy when he gets home from school. He will be so jealous.


Actually a shovel is much better than a wiffle bat. Growing up on a ranch we had rattlesnakes and when they came to close to the house we would grab a shovel (sorry to all the PETA people out there) and chop their heads off. So if you have to go back to the basement you really need a shovel :)


Courtney, I'll be sending you the bill for my brain bleach. Amy, thank you for the pre-emptive tip on those sucking pads. and props for your pointing skills. :)


Sucking/drool pads- man, that's kind of brilliant.


My boys would live in that reptile house if I let them. And the naked mole rats in the small mammal house never get old. They like to say it over and over and laugh.


My boys would live in that reptile house if I let them. And the naked mole rats in the small mammal house never get old. They like to say it over and over and laugh.


My boys would live in that reptile house if I let them. And the naked mole rats in the small mammal house never get old. They like to say it over and over and laugh.


My boys would live in that reptile house if I let them. And the naked mole rats in the small mammal house never get old. They like to say it over and over and laugh.


My boys would live in that reptile house if I let them. And the naked mole rats in the small mammal house never get old. They like to say it over and over and laugh.


My boys would live in that reptile house if I let them. And the naked mole rats in the small mammal house never get old. They like to say it over and over and laugh.


My husband loves the zoo, with a love that is almost unholy. I go to humor him, but I find it vaguely depressing and we never get to take the damn boat past monkey island.

Going to the zoo is going to be some prime father/daughter bonding time, though, and I can hardly wait. I think I'll buy them a season pass.


My MIL law once carried about a potty seat at Brookfield Zoo (neat Chicago) for my nephew while I wrangled my 4yo and the baby. Thanks for the reminder of THAT wonderful day.


I took my youngest to the zoo yesterday too! It was just the two of us and it was a great day to be at the zoo, the weather was not that great so there were very few people. The best thing was to see her personality come out so much more without her big sis constantly shooting down all her ideas. That was such a day to remember.


You're braver than I. We've only gone to the zoo once.

die Frau

First of all, love the sucking pads. I may have to pick those up, stat, because Mr. Drooly has covered just about everything with his special slime.

Secondly, I have to admit that I love the reptile house. I find them fascinating...behind glass.


My husband also hates the (non) fucking pandas. He takes every opportunity to tell them it is their own damn fault that they are almost extinct, since they won't have sex, and eat bamboo, which has as much nutritional value as, say, wet cardboard. This is what he tells my daughter while she gets jealous of the ball in the panda's enclosure. Sigh.


But the pandas are so fluffeeeee.

Glad you finally had a good time. Once we were treated to an up-close live action display of mommy and daddy chimpanzee trying their hardest to make a baby. That was fun to explain to the four-year-old.


I don't think we've ever had success at the National Zoo. Nor have we ever seen the O line in use (though we did have our lunch stolen by a golden headed whatever that thing is one time).

We really like the Reston Zoo even though it is tiny and expensive and not very impressive for adults. Way more fun for kids, though. Probably not opened this time of year, I guess.


Thanks for the shout out Amy. Glad Ike likes nomming on his sucking pads and that the Stuff Sack is serving you well. By the way, I feel the same about the zoo. It's my damn agoraphobia.


OMG, Noah in a dino picure EVARRRRRR.

Except perhaps the zonked out Ike in the second picture.

Or Ez pointing at the bukkets.

I can't decide. You pick. :-)


I am with Ezra, monkeys are creepy. I will go in the reptile house, no problem, but I flat out refuse to go in the monkey house because 1) it smells like poop and 2)it's full of monkeys!


OMG, I think your in-laws might actually be my parents. I can never quite figure out why my mom would rather fold my laundry - including my thong underwear - than do almost anything else with her granddaughter. And I do spend an awful lot of time showing my dad how to do things on the computer. I don't think I'm related to Jason, but are your in-laws leaving your house to come to AZ this weekend? Cause that's when my parents are showing up at my house. Either way I'm hiding my underwear.

Also, I have a logistical question about the orangutan. If the rope goes over the sidewalk where people walk, how do they prevent him from jumping down onto the sidewalk and running off with a kid?


Oh, our favorite part of the zoo is the gorilla house, where they do indeed eat their own poop - endless entertainment for little boys.

The Denver Zoo has a Bird house where the birds roam free in indoor habitats - who thought THAT was a good idea for toddlers?

I too have toted a potty seat (not the insert for the big toilet but the actual POTTY) to the zoo... despite watching the animals do their business in public, Snackbox preferred to wait until we got home (a minor victory in and of itself).

bethany actually

My friend Sonja figured out a way to fold up an Ergo into a neat little package and I was so happy when she showed me how to do it. But I'm still gonna go check out those carrier stuff sacks. (Email me if you want instructions how to fold up your Ergo! It's really pretty easy.)


Last time I went to the zoo my son was 2 1/2 and my daughter was 6 months old. I was almost by myself, in that I was with another mother who brought her sister and mother to help her with her two kids and everyone refused to help me with mine. At one point I was sitting alone at a table with my children to try to feed the older one lunch and nurse the younger one while they were both simultaneously screaming. Also, I had STRANGERS asking me if I needed help, but not the people I went with.
I'm still kind of bitter about it.


Ha! I won't let my mother in law get near my undies. She insists on doing laundry while visiting so I go through and pull all of my undies out of the hamper. She must think that I'm just going commando all the time!


Yeah, all right, I'm in love with the drool pads. So much that I think I might make some, because they are full of awesome.


Do we share a MIL? I refuse to do laundry when they are here!


Since Bokito the Gorilla escaped from the Blijdorp zoo I haven't been to a Zoo anymore.. These pictures are a huge temptation though. My twins are 10 and the youngest 9, I think I know what to do coming weekend. And walk around the gorilla compound :-)


Just don't go in the spring, as all the animals are, well, you know what they do in the spring. Lots of explaining had to be done to young children, as well as elderly Polish mother-in-law.


My MIL does our laundry and I have been absolutely MORTIFIED a few times when I have realized some of the articles she has washed/dried/folded...and yet I still never stop her from doing the laundry when she is here.


Though my son is getting better with the joint attention, taking him to places where you have to play where's Waldo is an exercise in futility. It used to be so painful, but now he's learned to compensate by being able to take directions really well. He made it a point to learn left and right really early on to help him seek and find. Thank God.

Thrift Store Mama

Hey Marnie - I don't know what keeps them from coming down, but they never do.

Amy - be careful around those orangutans. One of them pooped once from the wire crossing and it literally landed 3 feet from my kid. The husband and I both saw it - we were watching them watch in front of us - it was hysterical.


I found your blog on Babble's top 50 mom blogs. That is quite a distinction, Congrats!I love your article. I hope you love my blog at where we have a great crib sale.


I'm sure I won't be the first to say this.. but you should write books! You'd be a bestseller!!!


People still defrag their hard drives?!


The pandas are my favorite. They are lazy and weird. This kid I am carrying had better like them because that is what he will be for Halloween every year until he rebels.


Yeah, the zoo gets better as your kids get older. Plus, being a local, you don't have to feel obligated to see it all every time you go. Because you'll be coming back another time, sooner or later.

The comments to this entry are closed.