So going to the zoo yesterday was the very definition of insanity, or completely understandable because my in-laws were visiting and getting out of the house is unbelievably critical because otherwise we all sit around while my mother-in-law helpfully folds my underwear in the living room and my father-in-law watches his laptop defrag for a couple hours. Not this time, I decided. So help me God, we will go to the fucking zoo and like it.
CAN YOU NOT SENSE OUR COLLECTIVE JOY?
WAKE ME UP WHEN AMERICA REALIZES THAT PANDAS ARE THE MOST BORING ANIMALS EVER.
Noah and Ezra, to their credit, had less than zero interest in those dumb overrated pandas anyway. They wanted snakes. Lots of snakes. Are we at the snakes yet? Yeah, elephants, okay, whatever, OH DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE US TO THE SNAKES.
Amy: If I'd known they were that into snakes we coulda just stayed home and sent 'em into the basement with a shovel and some flashlights.
Amy: I don't know. It just sounded right. Wiffle bats, maybe?
We spent a long, long time in the reptile house, pointing uselessly at windows.
LOOK LOOK IT'S OVER THERE CAN'T YOU SEE IT I MEAN I AM POINTING RIGHT AT ITS GENERAL DIRECTION FROM 10 FEET AWAY JESUS CHRIST NEVER MIND IT'S JUST A DAMN TURTLE ANYWAY.
Okay, that's more like it.
That's...probably actually a stick. Good pointing, though!
And that's...locked, right? Seriously, I would not put anything past this one.
It's hilarious, of course, that I have boys who love snakes and lizards and other scaly weird things. A love that has obviously developed entirely independent of me. Because no. Not really a fan. I spent about 15 minutes trying to get them to even look at a freaking lemur later in the day (IT'S SO FLUFFEEEEE), but no. If it wasn't a giant ass snake, it had to at least have giant ass teeth for it even register on their interest radar.
But I do a good job around them of swallowing my general terror of...well, ALL OF IT.
HI THERE. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. JUST FYI.
Ezra was not afraid of any of the snakes or lizards or other assorted helldemons in the reptile house, but was kind of freaked out by the monkeys. Especially once the orangutan went all King Kong across the famous O Line.
GAH NATURE IT'S JUST SO HORRIFYINGLY REAL SOMETIMES
(Note that a zoo employee will guard the sidewalk underneath and warn you that yes, people totally do get pooped on, so best wait until he's across to keep walking.)
Ezra liked this fascinating exhibit about plastic trash cans much better.
Ike woke up some time around the tigers and remained unimpressed with everything except boobs and also boobs.
(And before anyone has to even ask, shout-out to Red Charlotte on Etsy for the Ergo sucking/drool pads that Ike is quietly, discreetly slimeing on in this photo. I also highly recommend her Stuff Sacks for keeping your baby carriers from taking over your house and life with their octopi-like strappiness. Mine matches my drool pads, because OF COURSE IT DOES.)
After the snakes, Noah requested dinosaurs. Um. Well, honey, the thing is...
Aha! Wot's this?
And for once, zoo did not disappoint. At all.